Paint it Black; chapter 2
Title: Paint it Black
Fandom: Glee
Rating: R
Pairings: Blaine/Kurt, Finn/Rachel
Warnings/Themes: Rape, victim-blaming & asexuality
Word count: 2024 (this chapter)
Summary: In the aftermath of a sexual assault Kurt struggles to recover while coming to terms with the fact that not everyone is equal in the eyes of the law.
Past chapters: Chapter 1
His hands are shaking as he finds Blaine’s name on the long list of contacts and, after a moment of hesitation, takes a deep breath as he presses the call button. The phone rings once, twice and then Blaine is picking up, his voice cold and angry.
“Yes, Kurt? Something you need?”
That’s right. They’d fought. He’d almost forgotten about that completely. It takes him a while to answer. His mind feels slow and sluggish and his words are stuck in his throat.
“I…” Kurt can hear Blaine sighing impatiently and briefly worries that the other boy will hang up on him. He doesn’t and Kurt breathes out in relief. Of course he wouldn't. It's Blaine. Perfect, polite Blaine.
“I-Im sorry. About before.” He can’t remember what happened, but he’s certain now that it was his fault. Must have been. It’s always his fault. Blaine stays silent.
“I really am sorry, but I r-really need you to come pick me up. I’m sorry.” His voice is shaking and he winces at how pathetic he sounds. How helpless. Blaine must think he’s such a crybaby; completely unable to take care of himself. And yet, Kurt really needs the other boy right now. He feels detached from reality, like a backseat rider in his own body and Blaine is the only one that can make things normal again. He just knows it.
“Kurt? Are you all right? Where are you?” Blaine still sounds a bit angry, but a hint of worry has wormed its way into his voice. Kurt takes that as a good sign.
“I’m in Lima. And I’m not sure.” Kurt answers honestly. He’s not sure how he feels and it’s hard to concentrate properly. He feels like everything else is moving at normal speed while he’s stuck at slow motion. Like he can’t keep up at all. He doesn't like it.
“Are you hurt? Wait- You’re in Lima? Why can’t you go home? Something happen with your dad?” The anger from earlier is completely gone now, replaced by that calm, confident, I-can-fix-everything tone. Kurt almost smiles. Almost.
“I don’t know how to get home from here. I’ve never been here before. Can you come get me? Please. I need to go to the hospital.” Kurt answers, feeling frustrated by his own simple, almost childish sentences.
“Hospital?” Blaine sounds alarmed, his voice rising in distress. “Damn it! It was Karofsky wasn’t it!?” He can hear Blaine fumbling with his keys, clearly trying to talk and get ready at the same time.
“Partly. I’ll tell you when you get here, okay?” He quickly gives Blaine the street address he sees on the building closest to him and listens as Blaine sets the destination on his Gps.
“Okay. You’re not too badly hurt, are you? You don’t need an ambulance or anything?” Kurt replies in negatives and a quick please hurry. His fingers feel like ice around the phone, the device suddenly unbearably heavy in his hand.
“Good. Have you called your dad?” Kurt almost doesn’t hear his boyfriend over the roar of a motor coming to life.
“No. I can’t talk to him. Just come. Please.” Kurt knows he sounds desperate, but he can’t bring himself to care. He just wants his boyfriend to hold him. He wants Blaine. The other boy sighs heavily before answering and Kurt feels bad for stressing out the other boy. He’s always such a burden.
“All right. I’m over at May’s house, luckily. I’ll be there in ten, fifteen minutes tops. Just stay put, okay? And call if something changes!” Kurt quickly agrees before letting the phone slip out of his hand onto the concrete. Fifteen minutes. He can do that. He’s been ridiculously lucky that Blaine has chosen today to spend time with his sister or the wait would have been considerable longer.
--
After only about five minutes of waiting Kurt starts to feel increasingly anxious and tired at the same time. Like he wants to lie down and sleep for days and stand up and pace at the same time. It’s an unpleasant feeling. What is he supposed to tell Blaine? That he got raped? That somehow sounds too harsh, so much worse than what had happened. It’s not like he’d been beaten up and left for dead, hell, he wasn’t even bleeding. Come to think of it he hadn’t even been threatened. Not really. Surely calling it rape wouldn’t be right. It would be disrespectful towards victims of real rape.
(A small part of him, a part that sounds a lot like Quinn, is chanting “all rape is real rape” on silent repeat in his head. He ignores it.)
Jason hadn’t been that strong. If Kurt had really fought back, if he’d bit and screamed and kicked he probably would have gotten free. Looking back it seems almost silly. Sure, he’d said no. He had made it clear he didn’t want it, but he’d mostly just lain there. Why hadn’t he done more? A part of him wonders about it, but the other part knows the answer already. He’d been scared, terrified even, and non-reaction had felt like the best way to go. In that moment Jason had had the same look that Kurt has seen a thousand times before. It’s the same face Karofsky has every time he backs Kurt into a corner just to scare him, or Pucks face before he throws him in the dumpster. It’s the face of someone who is getting drunk on power and Kurt is used to having it directed at him.
And even though Jason’s actions had been so much worse than a swirlie or a dumpster toss could ever dream to be, the general feeling had been the same. It hadn’t felt sexual at all; it had felt violent and predatory and that’s why he hadn’t fought back more. It was simply his instincts kicking in. The same instincts that made him stay silent day after day as he was lifted and thrown into the dumpster like yesterday’s garbage. Those kinds of people get off on fear, his fear, and that is something he’d learnt early on. The more he kicked and cried, the further they’d take it, the more they’d hurt. Jason was just like them; his eyes had seemed more and more aroused with every ‘stop’ and Kurt just couldn’t do it. He’d just wanted it to be over. It was cowardly, maybe, but it had felt like the right thing to do at the time.
Kurt is dragged out of his thoughts by the sound of a motor coming closer and he feels ridiculously relieved and scared at the same time as he sees Blaine’s car rounding the corner. He picks up his phone and stands up as the black vehicle comes to a halt in front of him. Then Blaine is hopping out of the car and running up to him, his hair unstyled and curly, and Kurt almost starts crying then and there. Blaine is speaking, saying something, but Kurt can’t register what and it isn’t until he’s surrounded by strong arms, a shorter body pressed to his, that he’s able to function normally again. Blaine cups his face in his hands and look at him closely.
“Hey.” He says when Kurt raises his head and their eyes meet.
“Kurt, what happened? Where are you hurt?” Kurt takes a deep breath and desperately tries to gather his quickly razing thoughts. He starts with the easy part; he tells Blaine about meeting Karofsky and how they’d roughed him up. Draws it out so he doesn’t have to talk about what happened with Jason. It doesn’t take long for Blaine to figure out he’s stalling, however, and Kurt is running out of things to say.
“I’m sorry Karofsky did that to you and god knows I want to beat the shit out of him for hurting you, but… There’s something else isn’t there? What happened Kurt?” Kurt avoids Blaine’s eyes and licks his lips. Blaine’s hands are steady and warm around him and Kurt finds he really wants Blaine to know. He just doesn’t know how to tell him.
“Jason came. He offered me a ride. I said yes.” Kurt silently hates his voice for shaking. He hates that he can’t seem to even talk properly anymore.
“Who’s Jason?” Blaine asks, a confused look on his face.
“Jason used to work at the garage. He’s 27. He took me to his place and we had some beer and…” Blaine is looking at him again. Those piercing eyes boring into him like they can see every secret he’s ever tried to hide.
“And?” Blaine prompts gently.
“And he started touching my leg and then he was kissing me and-and I didn’t know what to do, Blaine! I’m sorry, I-” Blaine’s eyes, that had previously been filled with concern, turns colder and Kurt almost follows when Blaine draws away from him.
“… You had sex with him? God, Kurt!” Blaine sounds unbelievable hurt and his eyes are narrowing in that way they do whenever he’s upset about something but doesn’t want to show it. “I can’t believe this! Did something sexual happen, beyond kissing? Please just tell me, I need to know!” Kurt briefly wonders how it turned out like this.
“I-I yes, but not like that. I mean, I didn’t want it. Not really. I-” Blaine interrupts him with a small barking laugh.
“What, and that makes it okay? Just because you have that whole asexual thing going on doesn’t mean you can just sleep with whomever. It may not matter to you, but sex is a big deal for other people, okay? It’s a big deal for me.” Kurt can feel his heart beating frantically in his chest. He feels sick and lightheaded and he has no idea what to do. Movies and school and after-school-specials don’t teach you how to deal with this and Kurt is at a loss. This is all wrong. In the end he says the only thing that comes to mind. One last attempt to be understood.
“I’m sorry. I said no. I told him to stop and that I didn’t want it, but he was so strong and I got scared. He was holding me down and I just froze. I’m sorry. I should have done more. I’m sorry.” He looks desperately at Blaine hoping for forgiveness, compassion, something other than anger. His wish is granted as Blaine’s expression morphs into something resembling horror, quickly followed by guilt.
“You said no.” Blaine whispers to himself before looking up at Kurt again.
“Oh my God. Kurt, I’m so sorry! I thought- No that’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have assumed- Oh God.” Kurt has never seen Blaine look this upset before and he doesn’t know how to feel about it. He wants his old Blaine back; the calm and strong one. He needs that Blaine.
“No, it’s okay. You’re right. I mean, it’s not like he had a gun or anything.” He tries to reassure Blaine, grabbing the shorter boy’s hand and forcing their eyes to meet. As far as calming Blaine down goes, it doesn't work too well, but it does seem to bring out his more protective side again.
“No, NO! Jesus, Kurt, it’s not your fault! Please don’t say things like that. There’s only one person at fault here and that is that Jason guy, okay? I’m so sorry this happened to you, baby.” Kurt closes his eyes as Blaine once again embraces him, burrowing his face in his boyfriend's curls. It smells like shampoo and home. After what feels like hours, Kurt reluctantly pulls away and breathes in heavily. When he looks at the other boy again Blaine's eyes are red-rimmed and he looks so much younger than Kurt can ever remember seeing him. It's weird.
“I need to go to the hospital. I-I mean, I’m not really hurt or anything, but he didn’t use a condom so…” Blaine closes his eyes for a second, his expression twisted in sadness, and nods as he gently takes hold of Kurt’s hand and leads him over to the car.
Fandom: Glee
Rating: R
Pairings: Blaine/Kurt, Finn/Rachel
Warnings/Themes: Rape, victim-blaming & asexuality
Word count: 2024 (this chapter)
Summary: In the aftermath of a sexual assault Kurt struggles to recover while coming to terms with the fact that not everyone is equal in the eyes of the law.
Past chapters: Chapter 1
His hands are shaking as he finds Blaine’s name on the long list of contacts and, after a moment of hesitation, takes a deep breath as he presses the call button. The phone rings once, twice and then Blaine is picking up, his voice cold and angry.
“Yes, Kurt? Something you need?”
That’s right. They’d fought. He’d almost forgotten about that completely. It takes him a while to answer. His mind feels slow and sluggish and his words are stuck in his throat.
“I…” Kurt can hear Blaine sighing impatiently and briefly worries that the other boy will hang up on him. He doesn’t and Kurt breathes out in relief. Of course he wouldn't. It's Blaine. Perfect, polite Blaine.
“I-Im sorry. About before.” He can’t remember what happened, but he’s certain now that it was his fault. Must have been. It’s always his fault. Blaine stays silent.
“I really am sorry, but I r-really need you to come pick me up. I’m sorry.” His voice is shaking and he winces at how pathetic he sounds. How helpless. Blaine must think he’s such a crybaby; completely unable to take care of himself. And yet, Kurt really needs the other boy right now. He feels detached from reality, like a backseat rider in his own body and Blaine is the only one that can make things normal again. He just knows it.
“Kurt? Are you all right? Where are you?” Blaine still sounds a bit angry, but a hint of worry has wormed its way into his voice. Kurt takes that as a good sign.
“I’m in Lima. And I’m not sure.” Kurt answers honestly. He’s not sure how he feels and it’s hard to concentrate properly. He feels like everything else is moving at normal speed while he’s stuck at slow motion. Like he can’t keep up at all. He doesn't like it.
“Are you hurt? Wait- You’re in Lima? Why can’t you go home? Something happen with your dad?” The anger from earlier is completely gone now, replaced by that calm, confident, I-can-fix-everything tone. Kurt almost smiles. Almost.
“I don’t know how to get home from here. I’ve never been here before. Can you come get me? Please. I need to go to the hospital.” Kurt answers, feeling frustrated by his own simple, almost childish sentences.
“Hospital?” Blaine sounds alarmed, his voice rising in distress. “Damn it! It was Karofsky wasn’t it!?” He can hear Blaine fumbling with his keys, clearly trying to talk and get ready at the same time.
“Partly. I’ll tell you when you get here, okay?” He quickly gives Blaine the street address he sees on the building closest to him and listens as Blaine sets the destination on his Gps.
“Okay. You’re not too badly hurt, are you? You don’t need an ambulance or anything?” Kurt replies in negatives and a quick please hurry. His fingers feel like ice around the phone, the device suddenly unbearably heavy in his hand.
“Good. Have you called your dad?” Kurt almost doesn’t hear his boyfriend over the roar of a motor coming to life.
“No. I can’t talk to him. Just come. Please.” Kurt knows he sounds desperate, but he can’t bring himself to care. He just wants his boyfriend to hold him. He wants Blaine. The other boy sighs heavily before answering and Kurt feels bad for stressing out the other boy. He’s always such a burden.
“All right. I’m over at May’s house, luckily. I’ll be there in ten, fifteen minutes tops. Just stay put, okay? And call if something changes!” Kurt quickly agrees before letting the phone slip out of his hand onto the concrete. Fifteen minutes. He can do that. He’s been ridiculously lucky that Blaine has chosen today to spend time with his sister or the wait would have been considerable longer.
--
After only about five minutes of waiting Kurt starts to feel increasingly anxious and tired at the same time. Like he wants to lie down and sleep for days and stand up and pace at the same time. It’s an unpleasant feeling. What is he supposed to tell Blaine? That he got raped? That somehow sounds too harsh, so much worse than what had happened. It’s not like he’d been beaten up and left for dead, hell, he wasn’t even bleeding. Come to think of it he hadn’t even been threatened. Not really. Surely calling it rape wouldn’t be right. It would be disrespectful towards victims of real rape.
(A small part of him, a part that sounds a lot like Quinn, is chanting “all rape is real rape” on silent repeat in his head. He ignores it.)
Jason hadn’t been that strong. If Kurt had really fought back, if he’d bit and screamed and kicked he probably would have gotten free. Looking back it seems almost silly. Sure, he’d said no. He had made it clear he didn’t want it, but he’d mostly just lain there. Why hadn’t he done more? A part of him wonders about it, but the other part knows the answer already. He’d been scared, terrified even, and non-reaction had felt like the best way to go. In that moment Jason had had the same look that Kurt has seen a thousand times before. It’s the same face Karofsky has every time he backs Kurt into a corner just to scare him, or Pucks face before he throws him in the dumpster. It’s the face of someone who is getting drunk on power and Kurt is used to having it directed at him.
And even though Jason’s actions had been so much worse than a swirlie or a dumpster toss could ever dream to be, the general feeling had been the same. It hadn’t felt sexual at all; it had felt violent and predatory and that’s why he hadn’t fought back more. It was simply his instincts kicking in. The same instincts that made him stay silent day after day as he was lifted and thrown into the dumpster like yesterday’s garbage. Those kinds of people get off on fear, his fear, and that is something he’d learnt early on. The more he kicked and cried, the further they’d take it, the more they’d hurt. Jason was just like them; his eyes had seemed more and more aroused with every ‘stop’ and Kurt just couldn’t do it. He’d just wanted it to be over. It was cowardly, maybe, but it had felt like the right thing to do at the time.
Kurt is dragged out of his thoughts by the sound of a motor coming closer and he feels ridiculously relieved and scared at the same time as he sees Blaine’s car rounding the corner. He picks up his phone and stands up as the black vehicle comes to a halt in front of him. Then Blaine is hopping out of the car and running up to him, his hair unstyled and curly, and Kurt almost starts crying then and there. Blaine is speaking, saying something, but Kurt can’t register what and it isn’t until he’s surrounded by strong arms, a shorter body pressed to his, that he’s able to function normally again. Blaine cups his face in his hands and look at him closely.
“Hey.” He says when Kurt raises his head and their eyes meet.
“Kurt, what happened? Where are you hurt?” Kurt takes a deep breath and desperately tries to gather his quickly razing thoughts. He starts with the easy part; he tells Blaine about meeting Karofsky and how they’d roughed him up. Draws it out so he doesn’t have to talk about what happened with Jason. It doesn’t take long for Blaine to figure out he’s stalling, however, and Kurt is running out of things to say.
“I’m sorry Karofsky did that to you and god knows I want to beat the shit out of him for hurting you, but… There’s something else isn’t there? What happened Kurt?” Kurt avoids Blaine’s eyes and licks his lips. Blaine’s hands are steady and warm around him and Kurt finds he really wants Blaine to know. He just doesn’t know how to tell him.
“Jason came. He offered me a ride. I said yes.” Kurt silently hates his voice for shaking. He hates that he can’t seem to even talk properly anymore.
“Who’s Jason?” Blaine asks, a confused look on his face.
“Jason used to work at the garage. He’s 27. He took me to his place and we had some beer and…” Blaine is looking at him again. Those piercing eyes boring into him like they can see every secret he’s ever tried to hide.
“And?” Blaine prompts gently.
“And he started touching my leg and then he was kissing me and-and I didn’t know what to do, Blaine! I’m sorry, I-” Blaine’s eyes, that had previously been filled with concern, turns colder and Kurt almost follows when Blaine draws away from him.
“… You had sex with him? God, Kurt!” Blaine sounds unbelievable hurt and his eyes are narrowing in that way they do whenever he’s upset about something but doesn’t want to show it. “I can’t believe this! Did something sexual happen, beyond kissing? Please just tell me, I need to know!” Kurt briefly wonders how it turned out like this.
“I-I yes, but not like that. I mean, I didn’t want it. Not really. I-” Blaine interrupts him with a small barking laugh.
“What, and that makes it okay? Just because you have that whole asexual thing going on doesn’t mean you can just sleep with whomever. It may not matter to you, but sex is a big deal for other people, okay? It’s a big deal for me.” Kurt can feel his heart beating frantically in his chest. He feels sick and lightheaded and he has no idea what to do. Movies and school and after-school-specials don’t teach you how to deal with this and Kurt is at a loss. This is all wrong. In the end he says the only thing that comes to mind. One last attempt to be understood.
“I’m sorry. I said no. I told him to stop and that I didn’t want it, but he was so strong and I got scared. He was holding me down and I just froze. I’m sorry. I should have done more. I’m sorry.” He looks desperately at Blaine hoping for forgiveness, compassion, something other than anger. His wish is granted as Blaine’s expression morphs into something resembling horror, quickly followed by guilt.
“You said no.” Blaine whispers to himself before looking up at Kurt again.
“Oh my God. Kurt, I’m so sorry! I thought- No that’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have assumed- Oh God.” Kurt has never seen Blaine look this upset before and he doesn’t know how to feel about it. He wants his old Blaine back; the calm and strong one. He needs that Blaine.
“No, it’s okay. You’re right. I mean, it’s not like he had a gun or anything.” He tries to reassure Blaine, grabbing the shorter boy’s hand and forcing their eyes to meet. As far as calming Blaine down goes, it doesn't work too well, but it does seem to bring out his more protective side again.
“No, NO! Jesus, Kurt, it’s not your fault! Please don’t say things like that. There’s only one person at fault here and that is that Jason guy, okay? I’m so sorry this happened to you, baby.” Kurt closes his eyes as Blaine once again embraces him, burrowing his face in his boyfriend's curls. It smells like shampoo and home. After what feels like hours, Kurt reluctantly pulls away and breathes in heavily. When he looks at the other boy again Blaine's eyes are red-rimmed and he looks so much younger than Kurt can ever remember seeing him. It's weird.
“I need to go to the hospital. I-I mean, I’m not really hurt or anything, but he didn’t use a condom so…” Blaine closes his eyes for a second, his expression twisted in sadness, and nods as he gently takes hold of Kurt’s hand and leads him over to the car.