(no subject)
Title: "You are your mother"
Fandom: Glee
Rating: R
Characters: Burt, Kurt, Finn and Carole.
Warnings: Angst, talk of suicide, mental illness, forced hospitalization.
Word count: 3846
Prompt: Written for this prompt at the glee_angst_meme.
Summary: Burt worries that Kurt is a little too similar to his mother.
At first Burt had been able to wave it off as a mix of Kurt being Kurt and uncontrollable hormones. Teenagers had mood swings, right? It was perfectly normal and he would surely grow out of it as he became older and more secure. He really hadn’t thought that much about how Kurt would sometimes become obsessive and talkative in periods. How he would stay up until late just rearranging the furniture in his room or shopping for more money than they could really afford. Or how, on some days, he would be irrationally upset and almost a little paranoid. Locking himself in his room and losing interest in things that would normally make him jump up and down in joy. No, really, he’d tried so hard to convince himself that this was all perfectly normal and he had almost succeeded. But sometimes it was hard not too be worried.
“You are your mother.”
Sometimes it was hard not see just how similar Kurt was to Elizabeth. He had her smile, her beauty, her talent and Burt loved that about him. But he had never wanted them to similar in this as well. Never in this. And lately, after the wedding and Carole and Finn moving in, it had become increasingly hard to pretend that everything was okay. To pretend that Kurt’s behavior wasn’t terribly symptomatic of the disease that had taken his wife’s life all those years ago.
Because the last few months Kurt’s mood swings has been getting worse. More extreme. Now, he becomes more than just a little active. Becomes way too happy and generous. He’ll rearrange things around the house with an air of desperation, pacing the floor and twitching his hands when he’s not doing something else. He’ll become ridiculously self-assured and talkative. His words coming out in jumbling messes that are hard to understand and so very different from his usual cold eloquence. He spends hours frantically taking off his clothes and putting them back on, not even caring that Burt is telling him that it’s three o’clock in the morning and maybe, just maybe, he should go to bed soon. Burt knows he should probably do something at this point, but that means it’s real and he just can’t deal with that. Not again. So instead he reassures himself that Kurt is just dealing with a new house and family and this is his way of adjusting. Eventually Kurt does calm down and Burt is sufficiently reassured that he was just overreacting.
He stops worrying so much when Kurt starts toning things down and is acting more normal again. With Kurt’s issues out of the way he starts planning a small trip with Carole. With all their money going Kurt’s tuition it won’t be the way they’d originally planned, but he figures that they’ll manage to have a good time anyway. He settles for a nice hotel a couple of hours away with a big swimming pool and books it for a week. Kurt and Finn are both supportive and they leave their boys behind with only a few rules. (“Rachel is not allowed to sleep over. And neither is Blaine. I don’t care that he’s 'just a friend', he’s not spending the night!”)
The first couple of days are fantastic. They spend a lot of time in the room enjoying each others company or playing around like teenagers in the swimming pool. Burt’s so ridiculously in love and he’d almost forgotten how good that feels. How nice it is to be intimate with someone like this. They’re lying in bed half dressed, just kissing, when Carole’s phone rings. She sighs and gets up and he reluctantly lets her out of his arms.
“Hello? Finn? Wai-what? Calm down, sweetie. I can’t understand what you’re saying at all..” Burt sits up in bed, alarmed by Caroles worried expression.
“Kurt is? Wha-? Wait a second, I’m putting you on speaker, honey.” She does, and suddenly he can hear Finns panicked breathing through Caroles white iphone. His wife leads them so they're both sitting down on the bed and holds him with her free hand before she starts talking again.
“Start from the beginning, Finn. What’s going on with Kurt?” Burt can hear Finn taking a deep breath before he starts talking and Burt’s so nervous he feels like he’s going to throw up.
“He’s just. He’s acting freaking insane! I mean at first he was just kind of upset or something. I thought he’d maybe fought with Blaine or that he missed McKinley so I just left him alone. But then it, like, got serious. He wouldn’t leave bed and was, like, crying a lot. So I tried to bring him some food to, you know, cheer him up, cause I always feel better when I eat. But he wouldn’t eat it, he said it was dangerous and stuff and that ‘they’ wouldn’t let him. I asked him who ‘they’ were and he just started shaking his head. I swear, I didn’t really understand then or I would have called you! I thought he was talking about the warblers or something, because Kurt’s always really careful with food and before, when he was on the cheerios, he didn’t eat either, so… But If I’d know it would be this bad, I would have called! I swear, I just didn’t want to disturb you and..!”
At this point Finn starts crying and Carole is clutching his hand so hard it hurts. Burt decides to speak up then because he knows where this is going, and it sure as hell isn’t Finn’s fault. And he really needs to hear the extent of what has happened. Needs to know just how bad he screwed up by ignoring it.
“Finn, this is Burt. Just relax, okay? It’s not your fault and we’re not mad at you. I promise. But I need you tell me what is happening. The whole story. ”
There is a slight pause as Finn tries to get his breathing under control before he starts talking again. His voice is quieter now.
“So he wouldn’t eat right? That was yesterday, and today when I woke up I heard crashing sounds so I ran down to the basement and Kurt was… He was ruining his laptop. Smashing it into the ground. So I asked him what the fuck he was doing and he said that they were watching him through the camera on the computer, you know, the webcam thingie? But the computer wasn’t even on! I grabbed him and he just stopped. Just like that. I asked him who ‘they’ were, cause he sounded like a freaking psycho, and he said that he couldn’t tell me cause they were there and they were listening. He was kind of mumbling so I’m not sure but he said something about how they’d punish him.”
Finn paused and Burt could feel himself shaking as the reality of the situation kicked in. Carole squeezed his shoulder once before mumbling something about how she’d start packing their things right away and stood up leaving him cold in her absence. Burt took a deep breath before speaking again.
“And now, Finn, what is he doing now? Where is he?”
“I’m with him right now. We’re in his room. Now he just mumbles things to himself. You need to come home. Please. I can’t do this alone…”
Burt hangs up on Finn after leaving him some instructions and helps Carole pack their things before practically running out to get their car. The drive home is the most nerve-wracking thing Burt has ever experienced. It’s quiet and tense and a small part of him is irrationally angry. At the situation, at how their honeymoon was ruined for good at the fact that everything was going to change now. It takes them almost two hours to reach the house and then Burt and Carole are hurrying up the front steps, entering the house before descending the stairs to the basement.
Burt doesn’t really know what he expected, but the sight that greeted him was almost a little anticlimactic. He’d expected chaos and screaming, but Kurt is sitting on the bed quietly and, except for the broken computer, the room is almost exactly the way it was when they left. Finn is just sort of hovering by the corner of the room and Burt can see the tension leaving his body as he notices them. Burt gives him a clap in the shoulder as he comes closer and whispers a “Good job, kid.” Before letting Carole pull her son into a hug.
Kurt still hasn’t acknowledged their presence and Burt moves closer, vary, while allowing himself to take good look at his son. He’s wearing his sleeping clothes; a big t-shirt and pajama pants and his hair is a mess. He keeps making subtle movements with his head, like he’s listening to something he doesn’t like and Burt can feel himself struggling not to cry.
“Kurt” He says kneeling in front of the boy and touching his shoulder lightly. That seems to get Kurt’s attention because he looks at Burt for the first time since he entered. Kurt doesn’t seem surprised to see him and quickly looks down again, frowning.
“Kurt. Can you hear me? I need you to talk to me, okay?” Kurt looks at him again, hesitating before answering in a soft, but irritable voice.
“I can’t talk. I told you! I’m not like that…” His eyes are flittering around the room and Burt closes his eyes for a minute, desperately trying to keep himself from breaking. Carole and Finn are watching from the other end of the room, Carole’s arms still wound tightly around the tall boy.
“Why can’t you talk? What is it you’re not like?” He questions his son quietly, tilting Kurt’s face up to see his expression. Kurt is quiet for a good minute and Burt almost repeats himself when Kurt answers, ignoring the second question.
“They’re here. They’re listening.” Kurt’s face scrunches and he tilts his head again.
“Who are ‘they’, Kurt? Can you see them?” Kurt shakes his head and looks at him like he’s stupid, and for a second it’s like it’s his Kurt again and he once again finds himself fighting the urge to cry.
“No. Of course not.” His voice is louder now.
“Then how do you know they’re here?” Burt moves so his sitting on the bed, turning Kurt towards him, giving into his need to hold his son.
“They’re talking. I hear them.” Burt can hear a gasp from either Carole and Finn and vaguely registers that Carole seems to be crying. Burt just feels numb. Like he’s turned to ice, because he’s heard this before. Not exactly the same words, perhaps, but it’s still chillingly familiar.
“You are your mother”
The paranoia. The auditory hallucinations. The delusions. He knows what this is. Can still hear the term slipping from the lips of a stiff looking psychiatrist. Psychotic depression.
“Kurt…What are they saying?” Kurt strains like he’s trying really hard to figure out how to explain things before trying to answer.
“They’re not really- It’s like noise. They’re all talking at the same time, so I can’t really hear. It’s just… noise.” Burt nods when Kurt looks at him, pretending to understand. Burt asks him some more questions, before gently lifting Kurt up when the boy refuses to get out of bed. Burt expected Kurt to struggle some more, but he falls silent and just lies there in his arms. Small and warm and fragile.
“Carole” he says, getting her attention. “Do you mind driving? I’m taking Kurt to the hospital.” She just nods and Finn follows after both of them, looking lost and more than a little scared. Burt can’t blame him for that. He doesn’t thinks he’s been this terrified since he found his wife’s body on the kitchen floor, an empty bottle of Zyprexa standing on the counter.
The drive to the hospital is remarkably uneventful, all things considered. Kurt stays quiet, staring out the window with apathy the entire ride, not saying anything more than the occasional mumble. That is, until they are parked outside Lima memorial and Kurt registers just where they’re going. Burt can see the moment it sinks in. Can see the wheels turning in Kurts head, coming to conclusions that would only make sense for him in his current state. Kurt let’s Burt handle him out of the car, Finn and Carole following. The small boy seems to be more willing to walk now, if nothing else, jumping out the car and ignoring Burt’s offer to carry him. He can feel Kurt shaking as he places a hand in his sons back, gently guiding him towards the entrance of the emergency room. Kurt takes a couple of hesitant steps forwards before stopping, looking from Carole and Finn and then towards his father again.
“Where are we going? We’re not… We’re not going there, right?” He looks so hopeful and scared and he can see Carole’s heart breaking in time with his own as she answers.
“I’m sorry, hon, but I think it would be for the best.”
Burt can feel his Kurt’s body tensing and silently prays that they’ll manage to get into the hospital with minor problems. His prayers are left unheard, however, as Kurt pulls away from him before answering suspiciously.
“Why? Why would you do that? Why would you- would you do that to me?” His voice is getting louder as he speaks and Burt closes his eyes, breathing in deeply, before looking his son in the eye and speaking.
“Because you’re sick, Kurt. I know you don’t get it right now, and that’s okay, but I need you to trust me. It’s really important that we go see a doctor. So you can get better.” Kurt starts shaking his head, stepping away from Burt and unintentionally moving towards his step-brother. The boy in question looks like he wants to run away, but stays where he is, looking at Kurt in fear and worry. Burt steps closer to his son, scared that he might try to run away, and places a hand on his son’s shoulder just as Kurt starts talking again.
“No. You’re lying. People don’t get better there. You just want to hurt me. Like you hurt mom. You took her there and she got all those drugs and they killed her. The pills she got from there killed her. Why would you do that to me?” Burt can feel his heart breaking at those words, at the implication. He realizes, logically, that Kurt doesn’t really think that Burt killed his mother. That he’s sick and he would never as much as imply it was it not for his psychosis, but it still hurts. Enough to bring tears to his eyes as he grabs Kurt and starts dragging him towards the hospital ignoring the young boys protests.
“No! Let me go! LET ME GO!” Kurt is becoming frantic at this point, throwing himself in the other direction, desperately trying to fight Burt’s grip on his arm. Burt sucks in breath, before asking Finn for some assistance. He would have expected the tall boy to have been terrified at the plea for help, but he looks like he’s more relieved than anything. Relieved to finally escape the feeling of helplessness, maybe, and finally being able to do something. It must have been unbearable for the other boy to watch Kurt being that sick for such a long amount of time. Finn is just a child after all, and he had suddenly been faced with a very scary situation with no parents around and no real way to help. It must have been suffocating.
“No, no, no.. Please. Dad, Finn, please. Don’t do this to me… Carole!” Kurt is crying now, as Finn and Burt drag him through the electric doors to the hospital. When they’re finally inside, he quiets down for a second and Burt thinks, hopes, that the boy has finally calmed down, or at least given in. He turns out to be wrong as Kurt starts screaming. Loudly. He's trashing in Burt and Finns hands and he sounds like someone is trying to kill him which, Burt realizes with a pang of guilt, is probably exactly what Kurt thinks is happening. Kurt’s screaming is attracting the attention of everyone in the waiting room, most of them looking at the boy in apprehension and fear. Others in fascination.
Kurt is practically incoherent by now, screaming about ‘them’ and ‘how could you do this to me’ and Burt is hanging onto to the boy using all the strength he has. He almost cries in relief when Carole walks towards them, he hadn’t even noticed her going to get help, being followed by three medics. Then Kurt is being taken out of his hands and handled up on a stretcher, the medics talking to the boy in calm and professional voices. Two of them hold the struggling boy down while a third is using the restraints to tie Kurt up. The medics are efficient and they soon have him properly restrained, explaining to the boy that it’s for his own safety. Burt, on the other hand, has never felt more like a terrible father in his life. Watching his baby crying, struggling with everything he has to escape, is horrifying. And knowing that he is the one who brought the boy here and that he’s letting this happen is even worse. Burt doesn’t really have time to think about it, though, before Kurt is being rolled into another room and a doctor is asking him questions.
“I need to know whether he is on anything or of it’s a psychosis caused by mental illness. And, if so, if he is on any psych medication.” Her voice is strong, but hurried and it’s obvious that she’s stressed by the situation. “It’s crucial we know this before giving him any other drugs.”
“He’s not doing drugs." He answers trying to ignore the noises coming from Kurt's mouth. "His mother was bipolar and she would have attacks like this. He’s not on any medication and this is the first time this has happened.” She nods, before getting a syringe ready, cleaning Kurt’s arm with alcohol as she speaks.
“I’m going to give him some Haldol. It should calm him down.”
Kurt, who had become a little quieter, once again starts crying loudly as the doctor administers the drug and Burt can’t do anything but stroke his son’s hair and wait for the drug to kick in. He doesn’t have to wait long.
It only takes about ten minutes for Kurt to calm down, his screaming reduced to small whimpers. Burt lets out a breath of relief as Kurt is finally fried from the restraints and the small boy lets Burt grab his hand. Kurt’s not completely back in their world yet and he can see the relaxing effects of the drug kick in as Kurt eye lids start drooping, fighting with sleep no doubt. Burt just strokes his hair and leans down the kiss the top of the boy’s head.
“It’s okay, Kurt. You’re alright.”
-------
He sits there for hours, just holding his sleeping son, acutely aware of how fragile Kurt really is. He keeps thinking about things. Like about how Kurt will have to deal with this now, at the tender age of seventeen. He’d always known it was a possibility that Kurt developed the illness, but he’d never thought that it would happen while Kurt was still so young. Elizabeth had been almost 34 when her symptoms started kicking in and he briefly wonders if Kurt’s bullying has sped up the process. If maybe Burt had done something before, this wouldn’t have happened. Or at least not yet. He doesn’t get to ponder for much longer, however, as Kurt starts moving on the bed. His eyes flutter and open slowly, his brows wrinkling in confusion. Burt and Carole are over him in a second, while Finn is opting to stay at the end of the bed.
“Hi buddy. How are you doing?” Kurt doesn’t answer him right away, his eyes flittering from Burt to Carole and then around the room in an attempt to locate where he is. It only takes a moment and Burt can see an amazing range of emotions flie over his face as Kurt remembers what happened. He seems scared, confused and angry, but ultimately ends up sounding horribly embarrassed when he speaks.
“Dad, I… God, I’m sorry. I don’t even- ” Burt interrupts him by shaking his head firmly. For a moment Kurt looks like he wants to argue, but he stops apologizing anyway.
“This is not your fault, kiddo. Okay? Not. Your. Fault.” Kurt seems unconvinced, but nods anyway, turning his head to the side.
“I have no idea what happened. I, just, I was so upset and then it, I don’t know, escalated? I know it must have sounded crazy, but I swear to God I was telling the truth. I really could hear them.” Burt just nods, because he knows that already. Carole just smiles sadly.
“Kurt” Kurt looks back at him and he steels himself for what he has to tell his son. “I think you have Bipolar disorder, like- Like your mother. I, and the psychiatrist agrees with me, think that you had a psychotic depression. I know you heard people, but they weren’t really there. It was just a hallucination” Burt doesn’t really know what kind of reaction he expects from Kurt as he looks down at his son. Crying, screaming, denial or maybe even anger. He definitely doesn’t expect a simple nod and an agreement.
“Makes sense” Kurt sounds upset and is refusing to meet his eyes. Burt doesn’t blame him. He’d be upset too, and probably a whole lot louder about it than Kurt is.
“Kurt, I know you’re upset and you have every right to be, but you can get through this. Me, Carole and Finn, we’re all here for you.” Finn and Carole nods and smiles at that, Finn moving closer to his mother and Kurt.
“I’m not gonna lie to you. It’s gonna be hard and I can’t even pretend to know what you’re going through, but there’s medication for this and with therapy you can get better.” Kurt looks upset and skeptic and even a little annoyed and Burt briefly wonders if he came off as condescending, but then Kurt smiles. It’s a small, you-fail-but-I-appreciate-the-effort smile and not quite a real one, but it’s more than enough. He gathers his son in a hug and then puts all his effort into pretending that he’s confident about this. That nothing will change and that everything is going to be okay. And he wants to believe it. He really does. It’s just…
“You are your mother.”
Kurt is so similar to his mom and, for once, that might not be such a good thing.