(no subject)
Right, so, emo rant, feel free to skip if you want to. Apparently everyone's having a crappy week.
So. Depression. Kinda sucks.
Just... constantly down, can't seem to talk to anyone, feeling worthless and frustrated with myself and ugh. I can't keep up conversations with anyone, not even my boyfriend. My mind is just completely blank and I have nothing to say. I want so badly to get involved in the Skype chats and everything else and get to know people but I just... feel utterly lost, like everyone already knows each other and I'm not wanted, I guess. I hate to sound overly dramatic, but I feel like everything's slipping away. I'm terrified of everything, I'm constantly paranoid and anxious, I don't know how to fix it. I just want to sleep, I feel exhausted all the time. I'm just getting more and more socially awkward... yes, this is even on the internet of all places. It's like I'm just slowly getting worse and worse and I don't get what's wrong.
I just feel unwanted all around. Everything I do just doesn't seem good enough, every time I turn around I'm messing something up... ugh. I'm aware that's silly and childish, but... well, it happens I guess. I hate sounding like this. I hate being so whiny. But it doesn't seem to be changing no matter how I try and it's just so frustrating.
Depression's irritating like that, I guess. Makes you feel that you're worthless, makes you feel that you mean nothing even when there are people right there that you know care for you. Makes you think stupid things that seem profound and really aren't like "blahblahblah does life really matter? Does my "talent" matter? Everyone has "talent". Everyone has "originality". Everyone has a story they think is special. Doesn't that mean really no one's special and there's no point to any of it? Everyone around me is an artist, is creative, has skills and talent and is thus special... but since they're all special, doesn't that technically take away how special they are? Everything has been done before and to put it bluntly, no one gives a damn about anyone else's "talent". Maybe there really isn't a point, maybe we all just stupidly try to make one because otherwise we'd all just kill ourselves. There's supposed to be a point to the things that make you happy, a point to making others happy... that was what I told myself the point was. But what if that doesn't matter?"
...Yeeeaah. I'm an emo kid. I guess it happens. I've just been like this for over a year now and I'm just... sick of it. I want to be able to hold conversations and have friends and be happy with my boyfriend and be content in my meager, pathetic excuse for art and be happy. I want to be confident again. I want to stop feeling like the ultimate screw up. I want to be how I used to be. Why can't I just do that through strength of will? Isn't that what everyone just says to do? Stop whining, shut up emo kid, etc, etc. I'm trying not to whine and all it's gotten me is a boyfriend that's fed up with me and desperately trying to hold things together (which I could never possibly give enough to pay him back for), too many lost old friends to count, new friends who I utterly fail at talking to and thus we're all rather distant, and... yeah.
I know I'm not special. I really don't have much of a right to whine because life apparently sucks for pretty much everyone. If anything, I'm luckier than most. But hey, you know, if life sucks so much for everyone... why are we still here? What's the point? Is the point really the happy little things and making others happy like I thought it was... or is there really nothing? Maybe we're all just coming up with stupid excuses to live so we don't lie awake in bed every night crying or whatever. Maybe being happy is just some sort silly delusion we all have to force this whole mess to have some sort of point to it all.
So what... am I just supposed to shut up and suck it up? It's not going to make it all stop... and I get that complaining won't solve anything and I've been trying but just... I had to say something. Just to get it out of my head.
TL;DR I'm immature and need to learn to accept criticism, I have depression and it sucks, and I'm ridiculously insecure about everything ever right now and kind of just wish I could give up because it would be way easier than carrying on. I'm not going to do that or anything, I just... needed a chance to say this crap. That's all.
I'm sorry if you read all that. XD;; I'm just... going to go pass out now.
--Crystal-chan
So. Depression. Kinda sucks.
Just... constantly down, can't seem to talk to anyone, feeling worthless and frustrated with myself and ugh. I can't keep up conversations with anyone, not even my boyfriend. My mind is just completely blank and I have nothing to say. I want so badly to get involved in the Skype chats and everything else and get to know people but I just... feel utterly lost, like everyone already knows each other and I'm not wanted, I guess. I hate to sound overly dramatic, but I feel like everything's slipping away. I'm terrified of everything, I'm constantly paranoid and anxious, I don't know how to fix it. I just want to sleep, I feel exhausted all the time. I'm just getting more and more socially awkward... yes, this is even on the internet of all places. It's like I'm just slowly getting worse and worse and I don't get what's wrong.
I just feel unwanted all around. Everything I do just doesn't seem good enough, every time I turn around I'm messing something up... ugh. I'm aware that's silly and childish, but... well, it happens I guess. I hate sounding like this. I hate being so whiny. But it doesn't seem to be changing no matter how I try and it's just so frustrating.
Depression's irritating like that, I guess. Makes you feel that you're worthless, makes you feel that you mean nothing even when there are people right there that you know care for you. Makes you think stupid things that seem profound and really aren't like "blahblahblah does life really matter? Does my "talent" matter? Everyone has "talent". Everyone has "originality". Everyone has a story they think is special. Doesn't that mean really no one's special and there's no point to any of it? Everyone around me is an artist, is creative, has skills and talent and is thus special... but since they're all special, doesn't that technically take away how special they are? Everything has been done before and to put it bluntly, no one gives a damn about anyone else's "talent". Maybe there really isn't a point, maybe we all just stupidly try to make one because otherwise we'd all just kill ourselves. There's supposed to be a point to the things that make you happy, a point to making others happy... that was what I told myself the point was. But what if that doesn't matter?"
...Yeeeaah. I'm an emo kid. I guess it happens. I've just been like this for over a year now and I'm just... sick of it. I want to be able to hold conversations and have friends and be happy with my boyfriend and be content in my meager, pathetic excuse for art and be happy. I want to be confident again. I want to stop feeling like the ultimate screw up. I want to be how I used to be. Why can't I just do that through strength of will? Isn't that what everyone just says to do? Stop whining, shut up emo kid, etc, etc. I'm trying not to whine and all it's gotten me is a boyfriend that's fed up with me and desperately trying to hold things together (which I could never possibly give enough to pay him back for), too many lost old friends to count, new friends who I utterly fail at talking to and thus we're all rather distant, and... yeah.
I know I'm not special. I really don't have much of a right to whine because life apparently sucks for pretty much everyone. If anything, I'm luckier than most. But hey, you know, if life sucks so much for everyone... why are we still here? What's the point? Is the point really the happy little things and making others happy like I thought it was... or is there really nothing? Maybe we're all just coming up with stupid excuses to live so we don't lie awake in bed every night crying or whatever. Maybe being happy is just some sort silly delusion we all have to force this whole mess to have some sort of point to it all.
So what... am I just supposed to shut up and suck it up? It's not going to make it all stop... and I get that complaining won't solve anything and I've been trying but just... I had to say something. Just to get it out of my head.
TL;DR I'm immature and need to learn to accept criticism, I have depression and it sucks, and I'm ridiculously insecure about everything ever right now and kind of just wish I could give up because it would be way easier than carrying on. I'm not going to do that or anything, I just... needed a chance to say this crap. That's all.
I'm sorry if you read all that. XD;; I'm just... going to go pass out now.
--Crystal-chan