new group to stan: a-X's (アクロス), where i've been and what i've been up to there, and life in general
I was supposed to be due back here a few days ago or so but you know, real life stuff and the personal issues with them. Had a few posts drawn up but nothing was posted ultimately but there are a few updates at popculture-etc, including a really long pimp post on the newest coed group from Avex I stan, a-X's (pronounced as 'acros', katakana: アクロス) and the new bias from there, Atsuki (敦貴). Instead of doing a second pimp post to this group here which I find redundant since I've already made one recently in the regular fangirling tumblr blog, I'll just link you to the post to it here: shiny new bias and everything a-X's.
There's really not much else I can share about this group except that, yeah, while I was watching AAA's Fuji-Q Highland concert earlier this week, I noticed they had three a-X's members in the entourage there: Masaki, Airi and Akari. They were playing flag bearers apparently. The AAA Fuji-Q Highland special concert for the group's 10th anniversary celebration was the best concert from them I've watched in a long time. The sets they had there were really topnotch. :D Granted Gold Symphony was one excellent record, this was a given. It reminds me of the earlier concerts they've had from the first three years they were active, 2005-2007 or 2008, the Attack, All and Around album years. AAA is really finally back from producing high quality Jpop music from the 3-year-long lull with Komuro Tetsuya helming their music after their good first three years in Japanese showbusiness.
Feel free to stalk them on their individual twitter accounts, communal instagram account and their website. For these, you can go to the pimp post for the links. They just discontinued their blog on ameblo early this month...unfortunately. But Akari's last entry was pretty sweet and they haven't really deleted the thing.
I'm still, at this time, holding out to the notion that a-X's isn't really final yet and they may re-group one day to smaller number of people per unit. 10 people in one group is way too much for even me to take. This is mostly because I'd really like Atsuki to be given a proper debut like they did with Hibiki, Sato Yusuke and lol (エルオーエル). That one was a proper debut because they came out with a CD single from the get-go even if one of the tracks there was a tie-in with a dance anime. As for the 10-people in one group being difficult to take for me, I don't know much about their other new fans on this. And speaking of new fans, I am so thrilled that there are more people attending ANation this year not just for AAA who is arguably the agency's biggest act so far. lol (エルオーエル) brought in their new hauls this year making ANation an even bigger, more fun event. I'm basing all these from the tweets from people I've been reading about it being their first time this year to go to ANation. Yes, baes <3 Keep on raking in new fans and make Anation a bigger event than before~
***
Lol. My last post here was, what? January still, this year? That's a long months' worth of non-posting/hiatus. It's really not surprising seeing as real life is taking most of my time at the moment. On the upside, yes! There's stable internet here at home already. Yay~ I don't have to go elsewhere to find internet connection. Lol. Or load the wifi device with credits. We had to cut off our old phone line too because the internet connection came with a phone in a bundle. It's much more convenient, by the by, to be paying for the internet connection and the landline phone in one piece of sorts. The internet here is fast so it's cool. I should be able to do more stuff later with it. Namely, continue my aborted plans of...stuff, due to sucky internet connections in the past.
What have I been up to lately? Travelling, a ton of it and hanging out with the family/relatives coming in from overseas, the world over. Last week and the week before was Mangagoy in Surigao del Norte, the uncle's farm there which was an awesome place by the way---there's no signal for the phones and internet there but it's a great place to sleep and relax in and just do whatever in, Enchanted River part two (I've already been there last year along with a trip to the Britania islands and the Tinuy-an Falls) and that really nice strip of island next to Hagonoy Island. I wasn't able to get good pictures for some reason. Oh, my aunt and I also got to swim with the stingrays, a couple of them, in a fish pen after a quick boating with the ones at Enchanted River. The aunt didn't like swimming in Enchanted River because it looked dirty. I wouldn't really bother swimming there either, to be honest. The two times I were there, I never swam there, just people-watched.
Other travels...I've gone from home, here, to Jasaan in like...the span of two or three days or so. Both times, I stayed at the grandparents' house and the maternal family side's default family vacation house just to pour over a few good, vintage Precious Romance books (the old ones are the ones I like best...not so much the newly released ones but I hardly check those in National Bookstore, the Booksale and a few others anyway -.-). The first night in, we went to check out what's the latest at Araw ng Jasaan, the local founding festival/fiesta. Almost got henna-ed until I decided otherwise as I couldn't find anything print/tattoo pattern I was really attracted to. I did find a couple of hats I wanted from a thrift store/stall but never managed to get them for some reason. Oh and a white dress I didn't bother getting either. I missed to get those for good later on because the aunt and I ran out of money as we gave the lot of them, what we'd had left, to the grandfather's workers in Natubo. We did get to eat and drink a lot of coconut and coconut water so it was a win-win thing, still. The days and nights spent in Jasaan were pretty insane so I didn't have time to do anythng else. Then again, so were the days spent in Mangagoy.
10/10, I'd like to do whatever in those places again one day soon. The islands, and even Mindanao as it is a huge island itself, never really grows old. It's still so much fun living here. So much hiking, so much walking, running and just about every form of water body you can find everywhere. There's a river bend at the uncle's farm a few mintues away from the city center of Mangagoy that should be fun to swim in during the summer or even around the colder months of the year. The water there is just so clear you'd be hardpressed not to take a dip in and I only stopped myself from doing so because I really didn't have any swimming gear on me the time we made it there after a short hike with the uncle and aunt from the former's farm house.
Where would the next travel take me, I wonder? My aunt suggests Canada to visit an uncle there with the cousin (the aunt's daughter) who's based in NYC. I haven't really decided on that one yet.
I think I'd like to travel on my own to Hong Kong again one day since I haven't been there in eons. The last time I was there, I was in 6th grade or 5th grade with the family. I can probably bring a friend or two, my limit is likely just one to two friends. We'll see. Singapore and again, Bangkok is in my to go to list, as well, where Asia travel is concerned. Japan is, of course, but I'm tabling this one for much, much later. Maybe two or three years or so from now. I'm not sure yet. I need to prepare for this one a lot. But yes, Hong Kong definitely is my first international travel on the bucket list to do on my own either this year or the next. It depends on if I'll be able to save a lot. I'd probably end up using my miles accrued from Philippine Airlines for these seeing as I've accrued a ton from international and national travels the past few years. I don't have a Cebu Pacific loyalty card of sorts yet but then again, I don't really use that airline a ton. Dad prefers to travel by PAL when in the country and international airlines when going abroad so, yeah, getting a Cebu Pacific loyalty card for miles accrual seems pointless on this end. Either way, when I do get to travel on my own, I'm bringing the trusty camera among a few others with me.
Ah, reason why there's no travel post on it on the main blog is because I wasn't able to get any decent photos at all. I brought the point and shoot slr with me but I took shots with my phone but I suck so I'm not able to get good ones through that either to post anywhere here. I'll try to compose better photos next time for posts on the main blog on the next travel somehow, among other things. I've been meaning to revive it soon anyhow and maybe really post there regularly now. That is, when I get over whatever rut I'm in at this time. It's been crazy frustrating, life, recently.
***
My naturally overthinking self is inundated by lots of thoughts leading to a depressive and dark state again today. I hope I survive this day, however, with how I am now. Things have been back to being blah since after the travelling and all. It's back to fighting inner demons for me again and trying to combat social anxiety and depression on my own since I'm not officially diagnosed. I need to be somehow as it's been going on for ages now. It used to be on/off, I'm admittedly a seasonal depressive someone. I don't really like the rainy season but it's taken the turn for the worst this past year or two or so recently. I just have zero motivation to do anything...at all, and when I try to get myself up, something always ends up shooting me, my esteem and especially my drive down.
I'm also not fond of people so it may have exacerbated the now-frequent bouts of social anxiety. My dad might have had a brush with depression numerous times in his patients' cases but not social anxiety. I'm actually an introvert (INTJ according to the personality test I took online) so it's likely the root cause of severe social anxiety at this time. I can only tolerate family and some close friends at this time. Others...and I get a mental breakdown. I can't even spend a long time in the mall anymore unless I were there to just watch a movie (on my own or with a good friend) or to purchase something I need from the grocery store or somewhere else. I used to like people watching. I think I still do but I haven't done this one in a while now.
Social anxiety + Depression is a pretty heavy thing to deal with just on my own and no therapist or expert on hand to help me get a good handle on them. I like to think I don't really mind though, not seeing a therapist or going into therapy because as an introvert and a seasonal depressive, I just might be able to follow the examples of those who've gotten their depression and social anxiety on their own one day. I've been researching about it and have found that changing lifestyles help. I'm still struggling with that until now as I haven't been exercising regularly/daily either. I don't think I'd want to be prescribed anti-depressants either. I'm already messed up hormones-wise as I've been through some operations here and there, tonsillectomy and dental corrective stuff among others, so I think anti-depressants might just worsen my condition rather than help me out with that.
The parents haven't given up on me yet which is good but I really wish they could just, a. leave me alone to this and b. let me recover at my own pace little by little rather than getting me to shock my system with huge decisions being thrust into me here and there. Ugh, I'm giving myself a headache again like yesterday's. I had stuff planned or something today but I'm getting discouraged again to do things.
Despite 0 motivation and drive, I'm still pretty much functioning and although the thought of death has crossed my mind, I'm not suicidal. I don't really like pain and blood either, rather I'm afraid of both. The thing is, I'm just still an empty shell and were it not for fandom, family and the occasional travel, I probably would have already offed myself long ago.
The happy go lucky, cheery self I show outside to people? It's a deceptive mask. It's something I've mastered over the years. I suspect the kindness is the same. I've been a cruel and manipulative person deep inside since time immemorial who's also prone to judging people mentally by whatever they do and act as/like. I just don't voice out my opinion of people much on this. Also, I have pretty radical thoughts/views closed off to the rest of the world/close minded, traditional people will be shocked to find so should I speak them out. I only now get along with people on the surface recently and don't like it when they try to dig deeper into me, myself and I. Not a lot has tried though, so that's a good thing.
I'm still the what you get is what you see on the outside type but a darker, more somber version of my sunny cheery long ago self, I suppose. The lack of stuff is the problem people have in me---they don't understand it, including my parents but that's all there really is, the lack of stuff (motivation, drive, etc). I'm not a problem child in other aspects, for one, I'm not a wild partier although I listen to EDM a lot these days. Deep house and tropical house especially. I'm not really a druggie either. I don't take illegal drugs, never have never will. I don't even drink a lot of the usual medicine for flu, colds, cough, fever and the likes. I was a one-time alcoholic but that was a couple of years towards the end of college and even I was hush-hush and cool, calm and controlled around it. I don't smoke either. I think I'm just...I don't know. Bullish about getting my way that when I didn't get it or them, I got depressed? Not saying I'm a perfectionist, I'm just determined or used to be anyway.
It's just more that...there's a huge gaping hole in me that just can't be covered by anything and my zest for all the things I've been interested in, in the past has been killed off. The past year or two, I found that I just don't find the things I used to find enjoyable, interesting and stuff, enjoyable and interesting anymore. There are sparks here and there but nothing permanent, they die out too easily. That's what I'm trying to get back little by little but many are killing it by applying more pressure and push onto me from everywhere, the abroad and the locale, both.
One remedy I tried a while ago was setting a routine up for myself. I slept early, woke up early, exercised, did some house chores and back again but somewhere along the way, I relapsed. I was on track and something made me relapse. It might have been people, my parents especially my mom and now my dad can be downers at times. I don't really want to relapse anymore but I keep doing so anyway. More than anything, I actually pity myself as my parents repeatedly said they do and that's what keeps me stuck here. There is just that endless cycle of trying to get back up and getting shot down I don't think I'll be able to get out of this rut soon and I want to be out there again much. I just...my willpower seems at the lowest at this time.
Before this goes any further today, I might as well have to see what I can do about myself today. I've been meaning to clean the room and I'll do that this morning before going out to try and apply for this one online tutoring job. I'm still all anxious nerves but I'll play it cool somehow...I think. I've always wanted a change in pace anyway. Freelance writing online, home-based was the one thing after Nursing college that drove me down here anyway. I don't think I can ever busify myself again with writing for anyone unless it were me working so in an office on a daily basis. The problem there, however, is that I don't think I can ever be stuck into a soulless job for so long again. Sadly, writing and teaching english are probably the only two things I'm good at in this life I can do something out of aside from fangirling/flailing and being a beach bum and stuff.
I know I still do love blogging and fashion or personal style so I'll get back to that one day when my drive and motivation is back...somehow. I've been amassing a few things lately from the occasional online shopping---I don't do physical shopping much anymore unless it were in a thrift store or something else like urgent needs---that needs documenting, I think. But even my shopping has dwindled down. It's not like my fashion choices have been interesting recently anyway. (Unfortunately for mum, I don't think I can ever really power dress anywhere as a teacher whatsoever...professional dressing isn't really my forte no matter how much I love clothes and stuff.) It may have been but not really. I'm still the most boring, casual dresser there is out there. Were it not for my basics mixing and matching skills, I'd probably not be considered a fashionista at all. It doesn't really help much that the mum isn't at all happy at my fashion choices. It just makes things all the more depressive for me on that end. She's even critical of my diet and all. :|
I need my fuck it and them all to hell and back attitude back but I don't seem to find anything helpful to bring it back yet. People still manage to kill that sense in me however much I'd like to get on with life starting with that...ideology, sense, whatsoever.
This entry is getting longer just talking about 0 motivation, drive and depressed and socially anxious me. I might as well distract myself with stuff to do now lest I want to spiral down again. I'll do that walk-in application for the tutoring job this afternoon then even when I think it's not the right time for me to do so. It's not that I'm not ready, it's more that I really need to take things slow. This is not taking things slow and most likely will not give me back my drive back. Jobs like this, especially that it's tutoring, are pretty...well...shackling to everything I've been trying to avoid: dress codes, people (primarily the bullshitting judgemental types I hate), company policies. I don't really deal with authority well but it seems, for the sake of survival, I might have to. I am actually pretty anti-establishment as a creative that's currently highly repressed because establishment and this mad traditional locale devoid of innovation that it doesn't even allow for self-expression-free work environments dictates on me to conforme and stay repressed. It doesn't really help at all when deep inside all you want is to deviate as you're basically a boring person anyway. I won't voice it out but I would just mull over it anyway, overthink and depress myself about it. Well, I'm just bound to depress myself all over again after this. I sincerely hope not.
Well, we'll see how this day goes.
I have zero ideas when I can post again. Maybe one day soon. We'll see with this as well.
kg*
There's really not much else I can share about this group except that, yeah, while I was watching AAA's Fuji-Q Highland concert earlier this week, I noticed they had three a-X's members in the entourage there: Masaki, Airi and Akari. They were playing flag bearers apparently. The AAA Fuji-Q Highland special concert for the group's 10th anniversary celebration was the best concert from them I've watched in a long time. The sets they had there were really topnotch. :D Granted Gold Symphony was one excellent record, this was a given. It reminds me of the earlier concerts they've had from the first three years they were active, 2005-2007 or 2008, the Attack, All and Around album years. AAA is really finally back from producing high quality Jpop music from the 3-year-long lull with Komuro Tetsuya helming their music after their good first three years in Japanese showbusiness.
Feel free to stalk them on their individual twitter accounts, communal instagram account and their website. For these, you can go to the pimp post for the links. They just discontinued their blog on ameblo early this month...unfortunately. But Akari's last entry was pretty sweet and they haven't really deleted the thing.
I'm still, at this time, holding out to the notion that a-X's isn't really final yet and they may re-group one day to smaller number of people per unit. 10 people in one group is way too much for even me to take. This is mostly because I'd really like Atsuki to be given a proper debut like they did with Hibiki, Sato Yusuke and lol (エルオーエル). That one was a proper debut because they came out with a CD single from the get-go even if one of the tracks there was a tie-in with a dance anime. As for the 10-people in one group being difficult to take for me, I don't know much about their other new fans on this. And speaking of new fans, I am so thrilled that there are more people attending ANation this year not just for AAA who is arguably the agency's biggest act so far. lol (エルオーエル) brought in their new hauls this year making ANation an even bigger, more fun event. I'm basing all these from the tweets from people I've been reading about it being their first time this year to go to ANation. Yes, baes <3 Keep on raking in new fans and make Anation a bigger event than before~
***
Lol. My last post here was, what? January still, this year? That's a long months' worth of non-posting/hiatus. It's really not surprising seeing as real life is taking most of my time at the moment. On the upside, yes! There's stable internet here at home already. Yay~ I don't have to go elsewhere to find internet connection. Lol. Or load the wifi device with credits. We had to cut off our old phone line too because the internet connection came with a phone in a bundle. It's much more convenient, by the by, to be paying for the internet connection and the landline phone in one piece of sorts. The internet here is fast so it's cool. I should be able to do more stuff later with it. Namely, continue my aborted plans of...stuff, due to sucky internet connections in the past.
What have I been up to lately? Travelling, a ton of it and hanging out with the family/relatives coming in from overseas, the world over. Last week and the week before was Mangagoy in Surigao del Norte, the uncle's farm there which was an awesome place by the way---there's no signal for the phones and internet there but it's a great place to sleep and relax in and just do whatever in, Enchanted River part two (I've already been there last year along with a trip to the Britania islands and the Tinuy-an Falls) and that really nice strip of island next to Hagonoy Island. I wasn't able to get good pictures for some reason. Oh, my aunt and I also got to swim with the stingrays, a couple of them, in a fish pen after a quick boating with the ones at Enchanted River. The aunt didn't like swimming in Enchanted River because it looked dirty. I wouldn't really bother swimming there either, to be honest. The two times I were there, I never swam there, just people-watched.
Other travels...I've gone from home, here, to Jasaan in like...the span of two or three days or so. Both times, I stayed at the grandparents' house and the maternal family side's default family vacation house just to pour over a few good, vintage Precious Romance books (the old ones are the ones I like best...not so much the newly released ones but I hardly check those in National Bookstore, the Booksale and a few others anyway -.-). The first night in, we went to check out what's the latest at Araw ng Jasaan, the local founding festival/fiesta. Almost got henna-ed until I decided otherwise as I couldn't find anything print/tattoo pattern I was really attracted to. I did find a couple of hats I wanted from a thrift store/stall but never managed to get them for some reason. Oh and a white dress I didn't bother getting either. I missed to get those for good later on because the aunt and I ran out of money as we gave the lot of them, what we'd had left, to the grandfather's workers in Natubo. We did get to eat and drink a lot of coconut and coconut water so it was a win-win thing, still. The days and nights spent in Jasaan were pretty insane so I didn't have time to do anythng else. Then again, so were the days spent in Mangagoy.
10/10, I'd like to do whatever in those places again one day soon. The islands, and even Mindanao as it is a huge island itself, never really grows old. It's still so much fun living here. So much hiking, so much walking, running and just about every form of water body you can find everywhere. There's a river bend at the uncle's farm a few mintues away from the city center of Mangagoy that should be fun to swim in during the summer or even around the colder months of the year. The water there is just so clear you'd be hardpressed not to take a dip in and I only stopped myself from doing so because I really didn't have any swimming gear on me the time we made it there after a short hike with the uncle and aunt from the former's farm house.
Where would the next travel take me, I wonder? My aunt suggests Canada to visit an uncle there with the cousin (the aunt's daughter) who's based in NYC. I haven't really decided on that one yet.
I think I'd like to travel on my own to Hong Kong again one day since I haven't been there in eons. The last time I was there, I was in 6th grade or 5th grade with the family. I can probably bring a friend or two, my limit is likely just one to two friends. We'll see. Singapore and again, Bangkok is in my to go to list, as well, where Asia travel is concerned. Japan is, of course, but I'm tabling this one for much, much later. Maybe two or three years or so from now. I'm not sure yet. I need to prepare for this one a lot. But yes, Hong Kong definitely is my first international travel on the bucket list to do on my own either this year or the next. It depends on if I'll be able to save a lot. I'd probably end up using my miles accrued from Philippine Airlines for these seeing as I've accrued a ton from international and national travels the past few years. I don't have a Cebu Pacific loyalty card of sorts yet but then again, I don't really use that airline a ton. Dad prefers to travel by PAL when in the country and international airlines when going abroad so, yeah, getting a Cebu Pacific loyalty card for miles accrual seems pointless on this end. Either way, when I do get to travel on my own, I'm bringing the trusty camera among a few others with me.
Ah, reason why there's no travel post on it on the main blog is because I wasn't able to get any decent photos at all. I brought the point and shoot slr with me but I took shots with my phone but I suck so I'm not able to get good ones through that either to post anywhere here. I'll try to compose better photos next time for posts on the main blog on the next travel somehow, among other things. I've been meaning to revive it soon anyhow and maybe really post there regularly now. That is, when I get over whatever rut I'm in at this time. It's been crazy frustrating, life, recently.
***
My naturally overthinking self is inundated by lots of thoughts leading to a depressive and dark state again today. I hope I survive this day, however, with how I am now. Things have been back to being blah since after the travelling and all. It's back to fighting inner demons for me again and trying to combat social anxiety and depression on my own since I'm not officially diagnosed. I need to be somehow as it's been going on for ages now. It used to be on/off, I'm admittedly a seasonal depressive someone. I don't really like the rainy season but it's taken the turn for the worst this past year or two or so recently. I just have zero motivation to do anything...at all, and when I try to get myself up, something always ends up shooting me, my esteem and especially my drive down.
I'm also not fond of people so it may have exacerbated the now-frequent bouts of social anxiety. My dad might have had a brush with depression numerous times in his patients' cases but not social anxiety. I'm actually an introvert (INTJ according to the personality test I took online) so it's likely the root cause of severe social anxiety at this time. I can only tolerate family and some close friends at this time. Others...and I get a mental breakdown. I can't even spend a long time in the mall anymore unless I were there to just watch a movie (on my own or with a good friend) or to purchase something I need from the grocery store or somewhere else. I used to like people watching. I think I still do but I haven't done this one in a while now.
Social anxiety + Depression is a pretty heavy thing to deal with just on my own and no therapist or expert on hand to help me get a good handle on them. I like to think I don't really mind though, not seeing a therapist or going into therapy because as an introvert and a seasonal depressive, I just might be able to follow the examples of those who've gotten their depression and social anxiety on their own one day. I've been researching about it and have found that changing lifestyles help. I'm still struggling with that until now as I haven't been exercising regularly/daily either. I don't think I'd want to be prescribed anti-depressants either. I'm already messed up hormones-wise as I've been through some operations here and there, tonsillectomy and dental corrective stuff among others, so I think anti-depressants might just worsen my condition rather than help me out with that.
The parents haven't given up on me yet which is good but I really wish they could just, a. leave me alone to this and b. let me recover at my own pace little by little rather than getting me to shock my system with huge decisions being thrust into me here and there. Ugh, I'm giving myself a headache again like yesterday's. I had stuff planned or something today but I'm getting discouraged again to do things.
Despite 0 motivation and drive, I'm still pretty much functioning and although the thought of death has crossed my mind, I'm not suicidal. I don't really like pain and blood either, rather I'm afraid of both. The thing is, I'm just still an empty shell and were it not for fandom, family and the occasional travel, I probably would have already offed myself long ago.
The happy go lucky, cheery self I show outside to people? It's a deceptive mask. It's something I've mastered over the years. I suspect the kindness is the same. I've been a cruel and manipulative person deep inside since time immemorial who's also prone to judging people mentally by whatever they do and act as/like. I just don't voice out my opinion of people much on this. Also, I have pretty radical thoughts/views closed off to the rest of the world/close minded, traditional people will be shocked to find so should I speak them out. I only now get along with people on the surface recently and don't like it when they try to dig deeper into me, myself and I. Not a lot has tried though, so that's a good thing.
I'm still the what you get is what you see on the outside type but a darker, more somber version of my sunny cheery long ago self, I suppose. The lack of stuff is the problem people have in me---they don't understand it, including my parents but that's all there really is, the lack of stuff (motivation, drive, etc). I'm not a problem child in other aspects, for one, I'm not a wild partier although I listen to EDM a lot these days. Deep house and tropical house especially. I'm not really a druggie either. I don't take illegal drugs, never have never will. I don't even drink a lot of the usual medicine for flu, colds, cough, fever and the likes. I was a one-time alcoholic but that was a couple of years towards the end of college and even I was hush-hush and cool, calm and controlled around it. I don't smoke either. I think I'm just...I don't know. Bullish about getting my way that when I didn't get it or them, I got depressed? Not saying I'm a perfectionist, I'm just determined or used to be anyway.
It's just more that...there's a huge gaping hole in me that just can't be covered by anything and my zest for all the things I've been interested in, in the past has been killed off. The past year or two, I found that I just don't find the things I used to find enjoyable, interesting and stuff, enjoyable and interesting anymore. There are sparks here and there but nothing permanent, they die out too easily. That's what I'm trying to get back little by little but many are killing it by applying more pressure and push onto me from everywhere, the abroad and the locale, both.
One remedy I tried a while ago was setting a routine up for myself. I slept early, woke up early, exercised, did some house chores and back again but somewhere along the way, I relapsed. I was on track and something made me relapse. It might have been people, my parents especially my mom and now my dad can be downers at times. I don't really want to relapse anymore but I keep doing so anyway. More than anything, I actually pity myself as my parents repeatedly said they do and that's what keeps me stuck here. There is just that endless cycle of trying to get back up and getting shot down I don't think I'll be able to get out of this rut soon and I want to be out there again much. I just...my willpower seems at the lowest at this time.
Before this goes any further today, I might as well have to see what I can do about myself today. I've been meaning to clean the room and I'll do that this morning before going out to try and apply for this one online tutoring job. I'm still all anxious nerves but I'll play it cool somehow...I think. I've always wanted a change in pace anyway. Freelance writing online, home-based was the one thing after Nursing college that drove me down here anyway. I don't think I can ever busify myself again with writing for anyone unless it were me working so in an office on a daily basis. The problem there, however, is that I don't think I can ever be stuck into a soulless job for so long again. Sadly, writing and teaching english are probably the only two things I'm good at in this life I can do something out of aside from fangirling/flailing and being a beach bum and stuff.
I know I still do love blogging and fashion or personal style so I'll get back to that one day when my drive and motivation is back...somehow. I've been amassing a few things lately from the occasional online shopping---I don't do physical shopping much anymore unless it were in a thrift store or something else like urgent needs---that needs documenting, I think. But even my shopping has dwindled down. It's not like my fashion choices have been interesting recently anyway. (Unfortunately for mum, I don't think I can ever really power dress anywhere as a teacher whatsoever...professional dressing isn't really my forte no matter how much I love clothes and stuff.) It may have been but not really. I'm still the most boring, casual dresser there is out there. Were it not for my basics mixing and matching skills, I'd probably not be considered a fashionista at all. It doesn't really help much that the mum isn't at all happy at my fashion choices. It just makes things all the more depressive for me on that end. She's even critical of my diet and all. :|
I need my fuck it and them all to hell and back attitude back but I don't seem to find anything helpful to bring it back yet. People still manage to kill that sense in me however much I'd like to get on with life starting with that...ideology, sense, whatsoever.
This entry is getting longer just talking about 0 motivation, drive and depressed and socially anxious me. I might as well distract myself with stuff to do now lest I want to spiral down again. I'll do that walk-in application for the tutoring job this afternoon then even when I think it's not the right time for me to do so. It's not that I'm not ready, it's more that I really need to take things slow. This is not taking things slow and most likely will not give me back my drive back. Jobs like this, especially that it's tutoring, are pretty...well...shackling to everything I've been trying to avoid: dress codes, people (primarily the bullshitting judgemental types I hate), company policies. I don't really deal with authority well but it seems, for the sake of survival, I might have to. I am actually pretty anti-establishment as a creative that's currently highly repressed because establishment and this mad traditional locale devoid of innovation that it doesn't even allow for self-expression-free work environments dictates on me to conforme and stay repressed. It doesn't really help at all when deep inside all you want is to deviate as you're basically a boring person anyway. I won't voice it out but I would just mull over it anyway, overthink and depress myself about it. Well, I'm just bound to depress myself all over again after this. I sincerely hope not.
Well, we'll see how this day goes.
I have zero ideas when I can post again. Maybe one day soon. We'll see with this as well.
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