a really long entry with purpose
Recently i've been feeling like i have no one to talk to.
There are a few reasons for this, of which i will now proceed to offer my own explanation.
First of all, I have a habit of thinking too deeply about everything. Because of this, when I try to talk to my close friends about any topic that may be on my mind, my friends always seem to think that I have thought too long and too much about it, and that my opinion is always set in stone. What they fail to realize is that I am consistently open-minded about the topics that float around in my brain, and all it takes to change my opinion is a solid argument with information to back it up. If I truly believed that the grass was purple, trying to convince me otherwise would not take an act of god, but simply picking up a blade of grass and showing me the difference between green and purple. For some reason, the way I defend and/or talk about my thoughts leads people to think that my mental perception of things is a solid entity with no room for change. Of course, I would be amiss to simply believe that all of my friends and loved ones are never too busy to talk about things with me, because I am not an ignorant person. Some of my friends just do not have time to sit down and talk to me about the conclusions I am formulating. I get that. I am aware that everyone has their own life, filled with business, social, and romantic interactions. I do not hold this against anyone, nor is it a proper point to illustrate in this case.
I guess it just seems like I have so much going on in my head that to try to fill another person in on it would take a very very long time to educate them on the reasoning behind my point. If I've been thinking about something on and off for weeks or months, it would be ridiculous to try to get someone else "up to speed" in 30 minutes or less.
There are many people who I would love to be able to talk to, and each of them have multiple reasons why I cannot.
When I think about it, there is only one person who I feel like could understand me and where I come from, but unfortunately, she works crazy hours at her job, and during the daytime she usually sleeps until it's time to get up and get ready for work again. It is really unfortunate, because I want to tell her everything. I want her to know every single detail of my life, my thoughts, my existence, because I know that she is an extremely intelligent person, and quite capable of handling what I have to say and giving me valuable feedback to help me formulate my own opinions and ideas.
Another one of my friends who I would like to talk to presents another problem, because I know that I cannot talk to her about everything I would like to. She means the world to me, but her culture does not lend itself to existentialistic thoughts or beliefs. They are more about living and doing, and reflecting later, or not at all. So many times I've wanted to talk to her about something important to me, but I remain silent because I cannot stand to see the look of disapproval or disappointment in her face whenever I show her that I have been considering things that seem so trivial and unimportant to her. Really, it shouldn't matter if it is important to her, just the fact that each topic is significant and meaningful to me should be enough, but I cannot bring myself to remind her of that fact, because her life is so incredibly full of stress. She is one of those people who knows everyone, and everyone comes to her with their problems and their issues. I feel horrible coming to her with mine, because I also know that she doesn't have anyone of her own to talk about her problems or issues with. She simply provides an ear and advice to others, and never asks for anything in return. Because of this, I try to do everything I can to make her life less stressful. I clean for her, take care of her daughter, help her at work, and I am always there as a shoulder for her to cry on or just someone to sit around and vent over coffee and a cigarette. For me to ask her for the same treatment that I give her would be increasing her stress load profoundly, which is something I have never, and could never do.
I can't talk to my twin brother, because he's so emotionally and socially immature, he would never understand the things I would say to them, instead, he'd only seek to relate them to some problem he's having so he can control the discussion and try to make everything about him. He cares about very few things, mainly himself and women, the latter of which he thinks incredibly poorly, and the former unrealistically grand. Maybe someday he will grow up and realize how much of a douche bag he is, but until then, trying to talk to him about anything is a good way to have a long discussion about how awesome he thinks he is, and how completely shitty he - without prejudice - believes all of women-kind to be.
Some of my friends are only really interested in talking about sex, some are only interested in talking about their partners, some only work, some only other people, but it seems rather uniform that all of my friends seem completely uninterested in hearing what I actually have to say about what I really want to talk about. Not one to disappoint anyone, I simply continue going about my life without ever being able to express the things I want to express. It seems rather unfair to me; but then again, who am I; one insignificant person, one grain of sand in a globally spanning beach overflowing with other grains of sand. My own differences are lost in the fact that I am so similar to everyone else. I've always heard that I should never lose my own voice, and I should use it when I get the chance, but so far, I've been conditioned by everyone and everything around me to completely fear what my voice might say, should I ever actually get the chance to use it.
The truth is, I am different. Profoundly different. Destined to fade away due to human nature; that is, the tendency to suppress difference.
I have dreams. I have goals. I have wants. I have needs. I have ideas. I have opinions. I have love. Even if no one ever knows about them, I will know about them, and it is because of this I exist. My only problem is having the need for another person to share them with. That is my flaw. I have been working on it, and I will continue to work on it until I truly need no one. I will become an unstoppable force of independence and I will use that force to make my place in the world. I will leave the other grains of sand on the beach of life and become a true pearl.
There are a few reasons for this, of which i will now proceed to offer my own explanation.
First of all, I have a habit of thinking too deeply about everything. Because of this, when I try to talk to my close friends about any topic that may be on my mind, my friends always seem to think that I have thought too long and too much about it, and that my opinion is always set in stone. What they fail to realize is that I am consistently open-minded about the topics that float around in my brain, and all it takes to change my opinion is a solid argument with information to back it up. If I truly believed that the grass was purple, trying to convince me otherwise would not take an act of god, but simply picking up a blade of grass and showing me the difference between green and purple. For some reason, the way I defend and/or talk about my thoughts leads people to think that my mental perception of things is a solid entity with no room for change. Of course, I would be amiss to simply believe that all of my friends and loved ones are never too busy to talk about things with me, because I am not an ignorant person. Some of my friends just do not have time to sit down and talk to me about the conclusions I am formulating. I get that. I am aware that everyone has their own life, filled with business, social, and romantic interactions. I do not hold this against anyone, nor is it a proper point to illustrate in this case.
I guess it just seems like I have so much going on in my head that to try to fill another person in on it would take a very very long time to educate them on the reasoning behind my point. If I've been thinking about something on and off for weeks or months, it would be ridiculous to try to get someone else "up to speed" in 30 minutes or less.
There are many people who I would love to be able to talk to, and each of them have multiple reasons why I cannot.
When I think about it, there is only one person who I feel like could understand me and where I come from, but unfortunately, she works crazy hours at her job, and during the daytime she usually sleeps until it's time to get up and get ready for work again. It is really unfortunate, because I want to tell her everything. I want her to know every single detail of my life, my thoughts, my existence, because I know that she is an extremely intelligent person, and quite capable of handling what I have to say and giving me valuable feedback to help me formulate my own opinions and ideas.
Another one of my friends who I would like to talk to presents another problem, because I know that I cannot talk to her about everything I would like to. She means the world to me, but her culture does not lend itself to existentialistic thoughts or beliefs. They are more about living and doing, and reflecting later, or not at all. So many times I've wanted to talk to her about something important to me, but I remain silent because I cannot stand to see the look of disapproval or disappointment in her face whenever I show her that I have been considering things that seem so trivial and unimportant to her. Really, it shouldn't matter if it is important to her, just the fact that each topic is significant and meaningful to me should be enough, but I cannot bring myself to remind her of that fact, because her life is so incredibly full of stress. She is one of those people who knows everyone, and everyone comes to her with their problems and their issues. I feel horrible coming to her with mine, because I also know that she doesn't have anyone of her own to talk about her problems or issues with. She simply provides an ear and advice to others, and never asks for anything in return. Because of this, I try to do everything I can to make her life less stressful. I clean for her, take care of her daughter, help her at work, and I am always there as a shoulder for her to cry on or just someone to sit around and vent over coffee and a cigarette. For me to ask her for the same treatment that I give her would be increasing her stress load profoundly, which is something I have never, and could never do.
I can't talk to my twin brother, because he's so emotionally and socially immature, he would never understand the things I would say to them, instead, he'd only seek to relate them to some problem he's having so he can control the discussion and try to make everything about him. He cares about very few things, mainly himself and women, the latter of which he thinks incredibly poorly, and the former unrealistically grand. Maybe someday he will grow up and realize how much of a douche bag he is, but until then, trying to talk to him about anything is a good way to have a long discussion about how awesome he thinks he is, and how completely shitty he - without prejudice - believes all of women-kind to be.
Some of my friends are only really interested in talking about sex, some are only interested in talking about their partners, some only work, some only other people, but it seems rather uniform that all of my friends seem completely uninterested in hearing what I actually have to say about what I really want to talk about. Not one to disappoint anyone, I simply continue going about my life without ever being able to express the things I want to express. It seems rather unfair to me; but then again, who am I; one insignificant person, one grain of sand in a globally spanning beach overflowing with other grains of sand. My own differences are lost in the fact that I am so similar to everyone else. I've always heard that I should never lose my own voice, and I should use it when I get the chance, but so far, I've been conditioned by everyone and everything around me to completely fear what my voice might say, should I ever actually get the chance to use it.
The truth is, I am different. Profoundly different. Destined to fade away due to human nature; that is, the tendency to suppress difference.
I have dreams. I have goals. I have wants. I have needs. I have ideas. I have opinions. I have love. Even if no one ever knows about them, I will know about them, and it is because of this I exist. My only problem is having the need for another person to share them with. That is my flaw. I have been working on it, and I will continue to work on it until I truly need no one. I will become an unstoppable force of independence and I will use that force to make my place in the world. I will leave the other grains of sand on the beach of life and become a true pearl.