Tiger Woods and Movies
Hello-
Mostly over a light virus now. Was at work today and had a couple of thoughts I had to share.
First a mini-angry rant. Hey media. So Tiger Woods lost at Doral this weekend. Its his first loss of the season. He had previously not lost since September 07. So. Heres a thought. I get...saying that Tiger's streak was over. But here's a question. When New York pistolwhipped New England in the Superbowl, Yahoo put a headline on its front page that I believe involved New England not being perfect alongside a shot of Eli celebrating. I applaud that. Having said that, what the hell are you doing today? Your headline is that Tiger's streak is over, next to a picture....OF TIGER. The caption says Tiger's streak is over, with a link that says "Who beat him???". WHAATTTT???? THATS LIKE PUTTING "NEW ENGLAND NO LONGER PERFECT, SEE WHO WON THE SUPERBOWL!" NEXT TO A SHOT OF TOM BRADY CRYING LIKE A LITTLE WUSS!....(not that I'm against that picture....) Here's a thought! Let's try and celebrate Geoff Ogilvy. Did you even have a CLUE that he won the tournament???? He won by playing well. In the article, it appears to claim that He, Retief Goosen, Vijay Singh, Jim Furyk, and Adam Scott all finished ahead of Tiger because he screwed up. NO. SHUT. UP. They finished ahead of him because they played better than him. Tiger had a great day today. Made up three strokes on the leader. HE DIDNT PASS THESE GUYS. So here's a thought. Say Tiger's comeback fell short, then talk about how Geoff Ogilvy won the torunament by playing error free. Talk about how the other people played well all weekend but couldnt catch Ogilvy today. BUT DONT FELLATE TIGER WOODS WHEN HE STILL LOST BY TWO G-DD-MN STROKES!
(It should be noted I am a Tiger Woods Fan. I am pulling for the Grand Slam. But I am not jaded enough to think Geoff Ogilvy won this tournament because Tiger Woods LET him....like some of these sports articles appear to be implying.)
So the original thing I was going to post about. Semantics. I was thinking today about movies I'd seen and I made an important realization that people should remember. There is a large difference between a "Stupid" movie and a "Bad" movie. A "Stupid" movie may make no sense, have dumb humor, hilariously bad dialogue, etc, but there has to be something redeeming about it that makes it ENJOYABLE. A "Bad" movie has...no redeeming quality. It's terrible. A "Stupid" movie can be rewatched. A "Bad" movie is one you never ever want to rewatch.
3 "Stupid" movies:
"The Horror of Party Beach" (1964)- This is beyond a doubt, the stupidest movie I've ever seen. Saw it Friday before last while I prepared to head to Cherry Hill. (I know no one else has...work with me here) It is literally a surf movie onto which a movie studio grafted a monster movie....kinda like a tapeworm onto a third world child's lower intestine. The monster's suit...is a joke. Even if it wasnt, it literally IS a surf movie. The monster attack happens after I think three separate big dance sequences out on the beach to the tunes of a very very very mediocre surf band. The tagline originally advertised a band in the movie who youd hear six times. THEY ARENT LYING. They literally have the band perform at a beach party 6 times over the course of the movie. Everyone dances and laughs oh ha ha ha. Random stupid surf party type jokes run rampant (Seen the Hic-A-Doo-La joke on Family Guy? It's like that, only for an hour....and now you see the stupidity). That said. This movie is not bad. Why? It is what it is. It's an inane surf movie. With a cruddy monster. Its not trying to be more than it is. Given the chance I'd watch it again to laugh at how stupid the jokes are, how random the band is and how utterly shitty the monster is.
"Troll 2" (1990)- According to IMDB, this is the 42nd worst movie of all time. And I adore every waking minute of this idiotic, mindblowingly insane, hilariously off the wall, unintentionally brilliant, stupid movie. Let me explain. In this movie, a boy's uncle speaking to him from beyond the grave freezes time so that the boy can stop his parents from eating tainted food....by peeing on it. yeah. Have you ever seen a person say the following line in a movie straight through, monotone(ALL MONOTONE): "Oh my god, they're eating him. And then they're going to eat me. Oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood."? Ever realize that sometimes the ultimate secret weapon to defeat evil....is something so unbelievably mindblowingly crazy that I don't want to spoil it here...but trust me....oh ho ho....its a classic.(I'll put it this way. At its revelation, the main villain yells...and I'm quoting here: "NOOOOOO! THINK OF THE CHOLESTEROL!!!!!!") This movie is completely out of its mind with stupidity. AND IT IS HILARIOUS. And by the time I die, I hope to own a copy so that I may laugh my head off at its crazy ineptitude whenever I want.
"Ultraviolet" (2006)- This is the movie that is the living breatheing line between stupid and bad in my mind. The dialogue is so crazy you cannot believe someone wrote it (actual exchange: "It is on.", "Yeah. It is."). The movie can and will put you to sleep. The action which could theoretically save the film fro mediocrity seems like something youve seen everywhere before. But the key that lifts this movie to "stupid" over "bad" is the idea of potential. If you ever watch this movie, I dare you to reimagine it with a better script. Nothing more, just a better script. The movie is instantly 8 times more rewatchable. At the same time, the lines are hilarious to begin with without changing so it has that Troll 2 thing going for it too. The clue that I think it is "Stupid" not "bad" is I will willing seek this movie out on an Encore or a Starz and sit and watch it again. If it is on, it is mindless entertainment for me to laugh at the movie. To wonder how I paid to see it in theater (yes, I really did.)
So: STUPID = Knows what it is, Is Unintentionally Hilarious, Is rewatchable, and usually Has potential to be better with a small change....on the other hand:
3 "Bad" Movies:
"FearDotCom" (2002)- Oh my god, do I hate this movie. Until the end of last year, this was the WORST movie I'd ever seen. It is a horror movie. About a website called Feardotcom that kills people who visit it. Notice the year? The plot seems eerily similar to a certain film about a tape that kills people who see it doesnt it. This is because it is a cheap, shitty, boring knockoff of The Ring. I've watched this movie and I have NO IDEA what happened. None. At least in ULTRAVIOLET I CAN GIVE A PLOT SYNOPSIS IF ASKED! Its also filmed almost entirely in the dark. You will get eye-strain from the shitty cinematography. Its not scary, its not original, its not exciting and its not even VISIBLE. Totally worthless. Thought it was a smart horror thriller when it was a derivative boring worthless piece of garbage.
"Dream Cruise" (2007)- This is technically an episode of Masters of Horror. But I saw it at 1 hour and 30 minute length on VIDEO. That makes it a movie, and that makes it the new winner of the worst movie I've ever seen crown. There are many reasons I feel this way. One, I was duped by the packaging into thinking this was only an hour. Two, the story makes absolutely no sense. Three....I mean...literally no sense. If I tried to explain the plot of this movie to you, your head would explode. I will not try. About once, maybe twice I laughed at this when I first saw it. Not out of humor, out of anger that I WAS STILL WATCHING IT. Basically...the movie collapsed under its own weight. It thought it was the representative of the Asian horror directors for the second season. It was actually boring, hackneyed, overly complicated, and impossible to follow.
"Caligula" (1979)- Wow. Just wow. I have no idea what happened in this movie. I couldnt stomach more than maybe 30 minutes. It was like the person who wrote it was on acid, the actors were on acid, the director was on acid, the cinematographer was REEEEEEEEEEALLY on acid, and...well Larry Flynt produced it, so we KNOW he was on acid. Its supposed to be this classic film about the rise of emperor caligula. What it is is overacted insanity which would be ok (see Troll 2 at some points) IF I HAD A CLUE WHAT WAS GOING ON! Instead you get a mindless excuse to use naked people as set dressing while a story somehow plays out that no one understands using visuals that make no sense, dialogue that's unremarkable, and an overall movie that is boring, random, pointless, impossible to follow, and bad (which is a shame since I like Malcolm McDowell (who played Caligula)).
Thus: BAD = Boring, derivative, uninspiring, impossible to understand.
So yeah, you may notice if I talk about movies I dont like saying Ultraviolet is bad. I say it has potential and has stupid lines. I never call Troll 2 bad without following it by "so bad its hilarious". But the day I say a good thing about the three "Bad" movies i've mentioned, someone please get my head checked.
And that is the difference between "Stupid" films and "Bad" films.
Mostly over a light virus now. Was at work today and had a couple of thoughts I had to share.
First a mini-angry rant. Hey media. So Tiger Woods lost at Doral this weekend. Its his first loss of the season. He had previously not lost since September 07. So. Heres a thought. I get...saying that Tiger's streak was over. But here's a question. When New York pistolwhipped New England in the Superbowl, Yahoo put a headline on its front page that I believe involved New England not being perfect alongside a shot of Eli celebrating. I applaud that. Having said that, what the hell are you doing today? Your headline is that Tiger's streak is over, next to a picture....OF TIGER. The caption says Tiger's streak is over, with a link that says "Who beat him???". WHAATTTT???? THATS LIKE PUTTING "NEW ENGLAND NO LONGER PERFECT, SEE WHO WON THE SUPERBOWL!" NEXT TO A SHOT OF TOM BRADY CRYING LIKE A LITTLE WUSS!....(not that I'm against that picture....) Here's a thought! Let's try and celebrate Geoff Ogilvy. Did you even have a CLUE that he won the tournament???? He won by playing well. In the article, it appears to claim that He, Retief Goosen, Vijay Singh, Jim Furyk, and Adam Scott all finished ahead of Tiger because he screwed up. NO. SHUT. UP. They finished ahead of him because they played better than him. Tiger had a great day today. Made up three strokes on the leader. HE DIDNT PASS THESE GUYS. So here's a thought. Say Tiger's comeback fell short, then talk about how Geoff Ogilvy won the torunament by playing error free. Talk about how the other people played well all weekend but couldnt catch Ogilvy today. BUT DONT FELLATE TIGER WOODS WHEN HE STILL LOST BY TWO G-DD-MN STROKES!
(It should be noted I am a Tiger Woods Fan. I am pulling for the Grand Slam. But I am not jaded enough to think Geoff Ogilvy won this tournament because Tiger Woods LET him....like some of these sports articles appear to be implying.)
So the original thing I was going to post about. Semantics. I was thinking today about movies I'd seen and I made an important realization that people should remember. There is a large difference between a "Stupid" movie and a "Bad" movie. A "Stupid" movie may make no sense, have dumb humor, hilariously bad dialogue, etc, but there has to be something redeeming about it that makes it ENJOYABLE. A "Bad" movie has...no redeeming quality. It's terrible. A "Stupid" movie can be rewatched. A "Bad" movie is one you never ever want to rewatch.
3 "Stupid" movies:
"The Horror of Party Beach" (1964)- This is beyond a doubt, the stupidest movie I've ever seen. Saw it Friday before last while I prepared to head to Cherry Hill. (I know no one else has...work with me here) It is literally a surf movie onto which a movie studio grafted a monster movie....kinda like a tapeworm onto a third world child's lower intestine. The monster's suit...is a joke. Even if it wasnt, it literally IS a surf movie. The monster attack happens after I think three separate big dance sequences out on the beach to the tunes of a very very very mediocre surf band. The tagline originally advertised a band in the movie who youd hear six times. THEY ARENT LYING. They literally have the band perform at a beach party 6 times over the course of the movie. Everyone dances and laughs oh ha ha ha. Random stupid surf party type jokes run rampant (Seen the Hic-A-Doo-La joke on Family Guy? It's like that, only for an hour....and now you see the stupidity). That said. This movie is not bad. Why? It is what it is. It's an inane surf movie. With a cruddy monster. Its not trying to be more than it is. Given the chance I'd watch it again to laugh at how stupid the jokes are, how random the band is and how utterly shitty the monster is.
"Troll 2" (1990)- According to IMDB, this is the 42nd worst movie of all time. And I adore every waking minute of this idiotic, mindblowingly insane, hilariously off the wall, unintentionally brilliant, stupid movie. Let me explain. In this movie, a boy's uncle speaking to him from beyond the grave freezes time so that the boy can stop his parents from eating tainted food....by peeing on it. yeah. Have you ever seen a person say the following line in a movie straight through, monotone(ALL MONOTONE): "Oh my god, they're eating him. And then they're going to eat me. Oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood."? Ever realize that sometimes the ultimate secret weapon to defeat evil....is something so unbelievably mindblowingly crazy that I don't want to spoil it here...but trust me....oh ho ho....its a classic.(I'll put it this way. At its revelation, the main villain yells...and I'm quoting here: "NOOOOOO! THINK OF THE CHOLESTEROL!!!!!!") This movie is completely out of its mind with stupidity. AND IT IS HILARIOUS. And by the time I die, I hope to own a copy so that I may laugh my head off at its crazy ineptitude whenever I want.
"Ultraviolet" (2006)- This is the movie that is the living breatheing line between stupid and bad in my mind. The dialogue is so crazy you cannot believe someone wrote it (actual exchange: "It is on.", "Yeah. It is."). The movie can and will put you to sleep. The action which could theoretically save the film fro mediocrity seems like something youve seen everywhere before. But the key that lifts this movie to "stupid" over "bad" is the idea of potential. If you ever watch this movie, I dare you to reimagine it with a better script. Nothing more, just a better script. The movie is instantly 8 times more rewatchable. At the same time, the lines are hilarious to begin with without changing so it has that Troll 2 thing going for it too. The clue that I think it is "Stupid" not "bad" is I will willing seek this movie out on an Encore or a Starz and sit and watch it again. If it is on, it is mindless entertainment for me to laugh at the movie. To wonder how I paid to see it in theater (yes, I really did.)
So: STUPID = Knows what it is, Is Unintentionally Hilarious, Is rewatchable, and usually Has potential to be better with a small change....on the other hand:
3 "Bad" Movies:
"FearDotCom" (2002)- Oh my god, do I hate this movie. Until the end of last year, this was the WORST movie I'd ever seen. It is a horror movie. About a website called Feardotcom that kills people who visit it. Notice the year? The plot seems eerily similar to a certain film about a tape that kills people who see it doesnt it. This is because it is a cheap, shitty, boring knockoff of The Ring. I've watched this movie and I have NO IDEA what happened. None. At least in ULTRAVIOLET I CAN GIVE A PLOT SYNOPSIS IF ASKED! Its also filmed almost entirely in the dark. You will get eye-strain from the shitty cinematography. Its not scary, its not original, its not exciting and its not even VISIBLE. Totally worthless. Thought it was a smart horror thriller when it was a derivative boring worthless piece of garbage.
"Dream Cruise" (2007)- This is technically an episode of Masters of Horror. But I saw it at 1 hour and 30 minute length on VIDEO. That makes it a movie, and that makes it the new winner of the worst movie I've ever seen crown. There are many reasons I feel this way. One, I was duped by the packaging into thinking this was only an hour. Two, the story makes absolutely no sense. Three....I mean...literally no sense. If I tried to explain the plot of this movie to you, your head would explode. I will not try. About once, maybe twice I laughed at this when I first saw it. Not out of humor, out of anger that I WAS STILL WATCHING IT. Basically...the movie collapsed under its own weight. It thought it was the representative of the Asian horror directors for the second season. It was actually boring, hackneyed, overly complicated, and impossible to follow.
"Caligula" (1979)- Wow. Just wow. I have no idea what happened in this movie. I couldnt stomach more than maybe 30 minutes. It was like the person who wrote it was on acid, the actors were on acid, the director was on acid, the cinematographer was REEEEEEEEEEALLY on acid, and...well Larry Flynt produced it, so we KNOW he was on acid. Its supposed to be this classic film about the rise of emperor caligula. What it is is overacted insanity which would be ok (see Troll 2 at some points) IF I HAD A CLUE WHAT WAS GOING ON! Instead you get a mindless excuse to use naked people as set dressing while a story somehow plays out that no one understands using visuals that make no sense, dialogue that's unremarkable, and an overall movie that is boring, random, pointless, impossible to follow, and bad (which is a shame since I like Malcolm McDowell (who played Caligula)).
Thus: BAD = Boring, derivative, uninspiring, impossible to understand.
So yeah, you may notice if I talk about movies I dont like saying Ultraviolet is bad. I say it has potential and has stupid lines. I never call Troll 2 bad without following it by "so bad its hilarious". But the day I say a good thing about the three "Bad" movies i've mentioned, someone please get my head checked.
And that is the difference between "Stupid" films and "Bad" films.