Jan 21, 2008 18:20
A Plea to the Powers that Control my Universe
Since there are no specific deities or celestial beings in whom I believe to direct my prayers, this is mainly a 'To Whom it May Concern' sort of thing.
In contrary to the impression I may have given in my last post, I have no regrets. I do not want a magic happy fairy to wave a wand and relieve me of my job, relationship, or the beautiful life inside me. Although I may have wished for similar absolution in the past, though certainly for different circumstances, I now know that not only is it unreasonable and pointless, it is also not conducive to actually getting beyond or discovering a solution on my own.
It is all very well and good to assume that the leprechauns will make things better with some lucky charms and a pot of gold, but counting on that without making more practical arrangements has not been advantageous in any way, shape or form previously.
If nothing else, I have learned this.
So now I ask only for strength. The ability to cope with my situation and the various consequences of it.
Help me through the nights of little to no sleep. Although I can't understand these because the minute my alarm goes off, I feel I could easily sleep for thirteen or fourteen hours. I am like Pavlov's dogs.... I am not tired until I hear the bell.
Allow me to keep down the nourishment that I badly need to stay afloat each day. I am told that my baby will not suffer, because he/she will simply drain and deplete my body of it's resources, rather than go without. However, if I am not replacing these resources, I will eventually run dry. I fainted in Canadian Tire the other day, and although the 14-year-old cashier was very sympathetic, I would prefer to avoid these occurrences in the future.
Help me to have patience with Mike. Despite how I may feel in my darkest moments, it is not his fault that he is not working. He does love me and my ever expanding belly. There are instances when he is definitely selfish, and obsessive, and lazy. Help me to have patience in these times so I appreciate the better times that much more.
Now... I will stray from my otherwise plausible requests to say that I also need a helluva lot of money. The aforementioned pot of gold would be useful, so long as it arrives in exchangeable currency. Barring this, if I could somehow win the Super Nice Person lottery that one does not necessarily need to purchase tickets to participate in... or have a previously unknown but generously wealthy relative pass in a peaceful and painless manner with stipulations to spread the wealth through the rest of the estranged family... particularly any female kin who happen to be expecting.... just a few hundred..... thousand. That would be good.
Give me the endurance to put up with a clan of in-laws who see me as a receptacle, no more and no less. I am to be tolerated so long as I carry and mother the first grandchild/niece or nephew. (By early next month there shall be no more androgynous pronouns. I will know one way or another.) Allow me to see that they do not love me because they do not know me, and not because they choose not to.
Also, help me to love my child. Help me to be a strong, good mom. Help me to keep my baby safe, warm and happy.
Most of all, and this may also fall under the category of unreasonable demands.... but do not take this from me. Please.
These things I beseech. I have nothing to sacrifice, no offerings, and not even much faith. I have just an awful lot of love invested already, allow me to do the right things and make the correct decisions to have it not be in vain.
Amen.