Ah, so I wasn't crazy and you hadn't put this up on Lj! I still love this--I think it's really one of your top five literary works! Did you change anything from when you put it on ff.net to here? I don't think I saw any changes...?
There are a few lines that are so perfect and precious (astute and hard-hitting), at least one in each scene. I don't want to be a dope and quote them all, but the one about taking home his pay in turnip form was one. Another is the "it's not his fault he's broken." and a few others. Those are exemplary parts and things that really make the writing worthwhile to read. :3
One point--You mention Gracia as "Gratia" and also "Ms. Greta." Could you tell me what you're having her whole name as in this work? :O
As I said in my review of this on ff.net, the dreams are stunning and convey their images very clearly, which can be so easy to muddle. Since I've said it before, I won't say it more here.
One thing I really want to off is that I think the last line is a bit expected and could be better. I know you're trying to harken back to what he's said before about hacking out a lung, but the situation is dire enough that it could really use for a more sinister and reallistic notion here. I'd suggest something like "coughed so hard that his blood hit the floor." That's the image I was thinking of, anyway, that goes along with the sudden rolling motion I imagined he did when he woke up (and also conveys his fright--he couldn't catch it). Many people may not agree with me, but at least think about what the person in writing school says. x); In any event, poor Heiderich. :(
But I'm really SO glad that you're going to be continuing this! No joke, the state of this fic has been burning on my mind the last few days. I want to know what's happening to Edward SOOO badly! T__T give me juicy pain and violence pleeeeease My Lady Cryo, pleeeease. I have not known you to drop the ball there before, so please don't skimp this time! I'm reaaaaly looking forward to it, whenever it happens~~~! (sooner yes? :D?)
I would also like to maybe see something like Heiderich's morning routine when he gets up at Gracia's...for one because it would be scholastically interesting for me (if you can get some info on what it would be like for someone with ... er, tb in this verse?), but because it would be a nice chance to get close to him as the reader(Hei expose' for the fangirl!), and could be a nice change-up, if it was before the sun came up. I dunno, just a suggestion. xD; I love the way you write hei so, and this connection with Alphonse isn't done enough and a nice treat. (anything to make the fic longer! whee!)
Okay, I think I'm done now. ^_~ I also want to say that I'm glad we'll be seeing more of you! My weekly cryo fix has been sorely lacking of late! And I still want to see those drabbles. ^_~
Also, I can't write convincing historical-political stuff, so the stuff you put in this chapter about "the people moving over to the thule" and the way the hierarchies of age and status within the Thule are really refreshing, intriguing, and add so much!
Thank you for your long review! I appreciate you catching so many of the little things...actually, this fic has changed from FFN, which is why there is a discrepancy between Gratia and Greta XD; (I thought I had rooted all the old spellings out, but apparently not.)
As for pain and violence, ehehehe...if you want spoilers, I'll tell you that this fic is related to mikkeneko's L'homme Machine, which is DEFINITELY bad news for Our Hero Edward XD;;;;; As far as Alfons's morning routine...I'm not sure if it'll be exactly what you're looking for, but we do get to see a bit more into his personal life when he next appears, so hopefully that will do it <3
If L'homme is the fic I think it is, then I indeed will be VERY happy: I've always wished there was more of it. Is it the one that involves being strapped to a table? (Or was that someone else's? I'm gonna have to go check. :/) But, I digress: ehehehehee. Thanks cryo. *rubs hands and plots*
I'm glad I'll get to see some of Hei's daily routine. I mean I'm glad you're not going out of your way to spoil me, but I think that it's a good opportunity for the story. Glad to see you were already on it! ^__^
If you want to know, the Greta part is when Alfons first mentions her, when he's picking up the vegetables? Well, it's before he gets to her place, in any case. xD;
Have you noticed how no one has given Alfons the nickname Alf? Something I can really be glad about not happening. xD!
Good luck! (write fast!) <3 can't wait for more. :3
There are a few lines that are so perfect and precious (astute and hard-hitting), at least one in each scene. I don't want to be a dope and quote them all, but the one about taking home his pay in turnip form was one. Another is the "it's not his fault he's broken." and a few others. Those are exemplary parts and things that really make the writing worthwhile to read. :3
One point--You mention Gracia as "Gratia" and also "Ms. Greta." Could you tell me what you're having her whole name as in this work? :O
As I said in my review of this on ff.net, the dreams are stunning and convey their images very clearly, which can be so easy to muddle. Since I've said it before, I won't say it more here.
One thing I really want to off is that I think the last line is a bit expected and could be better. I know you're trying to harken back to what he's said before about hacking out a lung, but the situation is dire enough that it could really use for a more sinister and reallistic notion here. I'd suggest something like "coughed so hard that his blood hit the floor." That's the image I was thinking of, anyway, that goes along with the sudden rolling motion I imagined he did when he woke up (and also conveys his fright--he couldn't catch it). Many people may not agree with me, but at least think about what the person in writing school says. x); In any event, poor Heiderich. :(
But I'm really SO glad that you're going to be continuing this! No joke, the state of this fic has been burning on my mind the last few days. I want to know what's happening to Edward SOOO badly! T__T give me juicy pain and violence pleeeeease My Lady Cryo, pleeeease. I have not known you to drop the ball there before, so please don't skimp this time! I'm reaaaaly looking forward to it, whenever it happens~~~! (sooner yes? :D?)
I would also like to maybe see something like Heiderich's morning routine when he gets up at Gracia's...for one because it would be scholastically interesting for me (if you can get some info on what it would be like for someone with ... er, tb in this verse?), but because it would be a nice chance to get close to him as the reader(Hei expose' for the fangirl!), and could be a nice change-up, if it was before the sun came up. I dunno, just a suggestion. xD; I love the way you write hei so, and this connection with Alphonse isn't done enough and a nice treat. (anything to make the fic longer! whee!)
Okay, I think I'm done now. ^_~ I also want to say that I'm glad we'll be seeing more of you! My weekly cryo fix has been sorely lacking of late! And I still want to see those drabbles. ^_~
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Also, I can't write convincing historical-political stuff, so the stuff you put in this chapter about "the people moving over to the thule" and the way the hierarchies of age and status within the Thule are really refreshing, intriguing, and add so much!
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As for pain and violence, ehehehe...if you want spoilers, I'll tell you that this fic is related to mikkeneko's L'homme Machine, which is DEFINITELY bad news for Our Hero Edward XD;;;;; As far as Alfons's morning routine...I'm not sure if it'll be exactly what you're looking for, but we do get to see a bit more into his personal life when he next appears, so hopefully that will do it <3
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If L'homme is the fic I think it is, then I indeed will be VERY happy: I've always wished there was more of it. Is it the one that involves being strapped to a table? (Or was that someone else's? I'm gonna have to go check. :/) But, I digress: ehehehehee. Thanks cryo. *rubs hands and plots*
I'm glad I'll get to see some of Hei's daily routine. I mean I'm glad you're not going out of your way to spoil me, but I think that it's a good opportunity for the story. Glad to see you were already on it! ^__^
If you want to know, the Greta part is when Alfons first mentions her, when he's picking up the vegetables? Well, it's before he gets to her place, in any case. xD;
Have you noticed how no one has given Alfons the nickname Alf? Something I can really be glad about not happening. xD!
Good luck! (write fast!) <3 can't wait for more. :3
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