Continuation of dorky Roy/Ed/Al fic
Typed more of the dorky Roy/Ed/Al fic, started here...don't worry about it not being finished, since truthfully, it's been done for a while :) It's just in notebook-form, so I have to get the time to sit down and type it ;)
The yard work fell fairly quickly, as did the foyer. One of the benefits of fire control was that it was also instant brush control. Gather yard clippings out back, burn to cinders, dispose of the ash leisure. He knew he should have an array for that somewhere…like the array for waxing floorboards…neither of which were FILED correctly (argh), so he settled for throwing a tarp over the ash and a rug over the floorboards. Good enough for government work, as they said.
This could also explain why Colonel Hawkeye took such exception to his ‘government work’.
Ah, no matter. He had important things to worry about, like the bedroom. The women he went out with were mostly a charade. Pretty young girls who enjoyed the game of it, the free dinner; occasionally he slept with one but he’d never take her home. The kinds of women he even went out with more than once already knew where they stood, and they, like he, were only in it for the shits and giggles. They’d knock boots a couple times at some hotel, shake hands, and call it even. Maybe they also had enemies to lull into a false sense of security. He didn’t know, and he could honestly say he didn’t care. But the point was, he wasn’t much in the business of having them over. Despite all the rumors of his leopard print/red satin/hot-tub-big-enough-for-three Love Nest, Roy didn’t actually have a great place for seducing virgins. His town home, and his bedroom, was where he went to Get Away From It All. The women of Central didn’t belong in it.
Speaking of things, and belonging in… It was also true that the women of Central, generally speaking, did not let you put it up their ass. (At least not without extracting the sorts of promises that Roy absolutely did not want to keep.) Edward and Alphonse, on the other hand…being men, they had no choice. Delicious prospect, but that caused its own problems. Did he even have any lube on hand, right now? Gloves? He could probably transmute both if it came to that but that would require going back to the filing cabinet or worse, sitting down and plotting out that whole damned array again. Perhaps he could ask one of the boys…but it was a bit hard to explain, and in the heat of the moment what if they couldn’t sustain the reaction, it was hard enough to concentrate without being naked and writhing, panting, couldn’t think cause there were hands on you--
What was he thinking about? Oh sheets, right. Roy shook himself and eyed his bedding, trying to remember when he’d last changed it. Two months ago..three? He pressed his nose to a pillow and inhaled. He didn’t think they smelled bad-bad…well, okay, definitely old, but it was his scent, and nothing he found particularly unpleasant. Company, though, company might take exception to it. He bit his lip and wondered if he had time to mess with them. And were they really what the Elrics were expecting? Maybe he should go out and buy satin.
Cotton was easier to clean though. And he liked his current sheets, and didn’t want to see them stained. Decided, Roy scooped up everything and dumped it in the closet. He would get a spare set from the general store, maybe transmute a sateen finish in. Edward was habitually late, he should have enough time to run down there and back -
- except that, he realized as the doorbell chimed, Edward’s habitual, grievous lateness was also counterbalanced by Alphonse’s habitual, even more grievous earliness. The chime rang again, and he had nothing on the damn bed at all. Damn damn damn damn. He tore the closet open again, still cursing, and snatched the wad of bedding back up. What to do, what to do. A rhythmical thumping started echoing up from the front door and Roy rubbed his temples.
Well, he HAD wanted hot, blond virgins pounding his door down.
He pulled the bedroom door shut and headed for the lower level, took the stairs two at a time. No time to comb his hair, but hey, tousled was sexy, right? He sucked in his gut, spread on a smile, and prepared to turn on the charm.
“Hi!” He said breathlessly, opening the door on a pair of furious golden eyes. He sort of wished he’d had time for a cigarette - that was guaranteed to get his voice properly husky.
“Good evening, Colonel.” Alphonse replied for his brother. He was actually hoding his brother in place, Roy noticed with concern; Alphonse was standing behind Edward with his elbows hooked through Edward’s arms. For a moment, the Mustang Family Smile almost faded.
“Brother?” Alphonse prompted.
“Yeah, hello.” Edward groused, colored slightly. Alphonse gave Roy a beatific smile over Edward’s shoulder, and Roy returned it. Well, at least one of them was enthused, Roy thought. Accentuate the positive.
“Are you gonna invite us in, or are you gonna keep us out here freezing our asses off?” Edward demanded. Ah, Edward.
“I wasn’t aware you actually wanted to COME in.” Roy said, falling into the easy cadence of Banter with Edward. It was their own form of flirting, really; both of them knew the hostility was meaningless. “Looks more like a hostage situation out here.”
Alphonse found it prudent to blush then, always the gentleman. Edward tilted his head back and glared.
“Sorry, brother,” Alphonse said, taking the classic tack of apologizing-without-actually-apologizing. “But it would have been silly run off now.”
“He didn’t answer for five million years.” Edward complained, eyes shooting daggers in Roy’s direction.
“It was two minutes.” Alphonse said, also directly to Roy. Roy forced himself to keep smiling, in what he hoped was a disarming way. Edward certainly looked like he could use defusing.
“Well, if you two are done talking through me.” Roy said. “Would you like to come in?” This he addressed directly to Edward. Alphonse’s assurances to the contrary, it seemed more and more that this was something Edward had been bullied into, which gave him pause. Intrigued by a threesome he might be, but unwilling partners were a deal-breaker.
It was Edward who broke the stand-off, though. He shrugged his brother’s hold easily, making it suddenly clear that Alphonse had never really been restraining him in the first place, and started toward the doorway.
“C’mon.” He mumbled to his brother as he shoved past Roy into the safety of the hall. “No sense in standing out here waiting for my balls to turn blue and fall off.”
“Would that be from the weather, or frustration?” Roy couldn’t resist. “It’s not that cold out, you know.”
“Go to hell.” Edward sighed wearily. Roy arched an eyebrow. Edward must be feeling uncomfortable, if he wasn’t up to something more witty. In fact, he was surprised to note that when he ushered the brothers to the living room, Edward didn’t have a single comment to make on the gawdawful décor (which he still hadn’t gotten around to revamping. Hm.). Edward did however manage to radiate Displeasure, which was slightly irksome. They argued mercilessly, but Roy really didn’t like seeing Fullmetal in a genuinely bad mood.
“What’s the matter, Fullmetal?” He asked, trying to bait with the work name. “Cat got your tongue?” His eyes flickered briefly to the horrid picture of kittens that someone (possibly Alphonse) had given him for his last birthday. Edward merely rolled his eyes and lowered himself onto the couch with a slight hiss.
“You’ll have to excuse him.” Alphonse said in a stage whisper. “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, you see.” That got a rise out of the elder Elric, finally.
“Hey, more like ‘someone’ screeches like a banshee!” Edward retorted. “Dammit Al, you call that a wake-up call!?”
“Well, you were the one who broke your alarm clock.” Alphonse said, looking entirely unsympathetic.
“That wasn’t my fault! It surprised me!”
Alphonse snickered. “Yeah, that big, bad inanimate object…really got the drop on you, didn’t it?”
“HEY! That’s not what I meant and you know it-”
Alphonse cast a glance aside to Roy as his brother launched into a short rant about what exactly it was that he had meant (and a good deal more besides), and Roy inclined his head.
“Actually, I think perhaps the um, recommended preparations aren’t sitting well with him.” Alphonse said quietly. “I know it bothered me a little.”
Alphonse did sit gingerly, Roy noticed as the man joined his sibling on the sofa. Damn. Enemas didn’t bother everyone, but when they did irritate, they could make sex much more of a pain.
“Are you sure you want to go through with it tonight, then?” Roy asked. “We could postpone…”
“No.” Edward piped up suddenly. “Hell no. I wanna get this over with.”
“Sex isn’t something you do to ‘get it over with’, Fullmetal.” Roy frowned. “If that’s the attitude you’re going into this with…”
Edward’s eyes widened. “No! That’s not what I meant, I just-“ He paused, took a deep breath. “Hell, I’m not any good with this.” Golden eyes looked up at Roy, pleading. “Just kind of uncomfortable, right? My stomach sort of hurts, and…yeah.” He looked away, and Roy was suddenly stricken by how much the boy reminded him of himself at that age - painfully nervous, middle full of butterflies, probably as likely to turn tail and run before potential tail. Well, okay, granted that was more like his fourteen year old self, but still. He could at least empathize with the virgin part.
“It’s okay.” He murmured, eyes slitted; his best Sympathetic, Reassuring Voice. He slid down onto the soft next to Edward, kept his movements slow and non-threatening.
“Would you mind if I touch you?”
Edward shot him an exasperated look. “Would I be here if I did? Way to go, Master of Logic.”
On Edward’s far side, Alphonse sighed. “Brother…”
“I just wanted to warn you first.” Roy said.
“Okay, well…what do you want me to do?” Edward asked, screwing his eyes shut. He was obviously bracing himself for some sort of impact, which Roy found both endearing and hilarious at the same time. What did Edward expect, that Roy’s cock was just going to leap up and jab him? Especially when he was, you know, sitting down.
“Turn to the side - no, the other side. Face your brother. I need your back.” Roy instructed. Alphonse shifted further toward the opposing edge so Edward could fold his legs up onto the couch.
“Like this?”
“Yes.” Roy affirmed. Edward was visibly on edge, tensed even more when Roy laid a tentative hand on his shoulder.
“What are you going to do?” Edward asked, clenching his automail hand into the seat cushions as if hanging on for dear life. Alphonse shot Roy a sympathetic glance over Ed’s shoulder. Roy placed his other hand at the small of Edward’s back and began kneading slow, deep strokes that made the young man sit up even straighter.
“The hell is this supposed to do?” Edward asked, craning his neck backward. He squirmed a bit as Roy pressed harder.
“Just bear with me for a moment.” Roy said, privately sweating bullets. God, he wasn’t used to working on someone with so much MUSCLE. “Try to relax. You’re full of knots.” He dug his knuckles in and tried to suss some of them out, holy crap. Sensual massage be damned, Edward needed a jackhammer.
“We did spar last night.” Alphonse mentioned. He was stroking one hand along Edward’s forearm in what was probably a soothing manner, but Roy at least was not reassured. Edward’s automail was currently fisted, and if the squirming was any indication, he was probably close to just hauling off and smacking him. He sucked in a breath and moved his hands higher, to the base of Edward’s neck, and that’s when finally he found the trick to the man. He squeezed gently and Edward’s muscles finally started to release, letting go of the tension in a series of great shudders. Yes, there, that was money. Roy resisted the urge to crow as Edward leaned back hard against him, arching, craving more of his touch. If there was one thing he prided himself on (and Roy prided himself on many things), it was his talent for turning nervous virgins into appreciative putty.
“Wow…” Alphonse breathed, further stroking his ego. “Can I try that next?”
“Sure,” Roy smiled, though admittedly his fingers weren’t quite so enthusiastic. They were already starting to ache a bit from applying so much pressure. It was like kneading steel bars. But well, at least Edward seemed to be enjoying it. So much, in fact, that he was trembling…no, swooning…
Edward swayed to one side, and then righted himself abruptly, pulled away with a hiss.
“Fullmetal?” he asked, worried.
Edward turned back to look at him, and gave him a pained smile.
“Are you okay? Did I pinch something?”
“No, no, feels good…it’s just, I’m really hungry. Haven’t eaten since last night.”
“I told you so…” Alphonse added, though his tone was not so much know-it-all as concerned.
Roy was at a loss. Having fed the man often enough himself, it was inconceivable that Edward had just somehow forgotten to eat. “Fullmetal, what happened?”
“Well, I didn’t want to…you know, ruin it by not being hygienic. I did some reading, and certain authorities advise a fast in lieu of cleaning. More natural, less chance of irritation.” He shot his sibling a dirty look.
“And I still don’t think the Pennington study was nearly diverse enough to be applicable.” Alphonse said, frowning. “Primarily older men, that could explain the higher rate of side effect.”
“I wasn’t predicting based on Pennington!” Edward came back. “Hasselhoff’s clinical trial is more recent, and it was better controlled. At least I had more to go on than subjective report!”
“And subjectively, I might point out that fasting DOES lead to low blood sugar, and we all know what happens to you when you’re hypoglycemic.”
“Wait…” Roy said weakly, before they could continue digging even further into the ‘theory’. “You don’t honestly mean you two found clinical studies?” He knew better than to express incredulity over the fact that they had researched to begin with. The Elrics were men of science. He had known them to take data on what ratio of moisture to paper made the best spitballs.
The brothers looked at him like he had suddenly sprouted an extra head.
“Yeah, of course.” Edward said.
“No offense, sir, but have you been to the library lately?” Alphonse chimed in. “The State has been funding everything. The new medical section could probably field you studies on two-tongued eleven toed monkey fetuses.”
“Or the reasons behind belly button lint.” Edward said, caught his brother’s eye, and they dissolved into snicker fits. “Yeah, yeah, we saw that.”
“Only one case study, BUT…”
“Yeah, seriously.”
“Intriguing.” Roy said absently into the stream of constant in-joke. Really, what was most intriguing to HIM was the fact that Edward had apparently been committed enough to this venture to take action even without Alphonse’s approval. And before Alphonse had even called to set this tryst up. With Edward, who was also a man of action, that alone spoke louder than words. He gave Edward’s shoulders an impulsive, affectionate squeeze and winced.
Right, one of those was metal.
“What was this about low blood sugar?” Roy asked, getting back to the problem at hand. Edward didn’t SEEM aggressively faint, but now that he was watching for it he did admit the man looked a bit peaky.
“His automail is powered primarily by biological means.” Alphonse answered for his brother. “His metabolism burns a lot hotter than the average person…he needs more calories to keep up with the drain.”
“Really…” Roy said, feeling slightly chagrined. All this time, and he never knew…and it really would explain a lot. “And all those years, I thought you were just being a teenager.”
“Yeah well.” Edward snorted. “Why do you think I fought your damn expense budget so hard?”
“I’m sorry.” Roy said.
“Well, not like I ever told you. Water under the bridge.” Edward waved actual fights away like nothing, these days - another sign that he was no longer the boy he once had been. “But yeah, I’m sorry, but…do you have anything I could eat?” And here was the blush, curiously enough - it figured. Edward hadn’t colored once when Roy’s hands were all over him, but come to admitting basic, human needs, and the man got all bashful.
“Sure, whatever you want!” Roy said. “Hang on…”
He padded his way into the kitchen and threw the fridge open proudly, intent on Providing…to reveal a few beers, a couple cloves of garlic, condiments, and a couple other generally unappetizing things. Oh. Right. Since when had he last voluntarily eaten in, let alone cooked?
Damn damn damn…oh well, no help for it.
“Hey…” He said, sticking his head back in the living room.
“Yes?” Alphonse’s eyes were wide and cherubic. Even Edward perked up.
“…how do you feel about take out?”
In truth, having to make an emergency run for noodles was a blessing in disguise. He left the brothers relaxing on his couch and arguing merrily about some medical treatise they had found (Roy listened in as he put his greatcoat on, then promptly stopped, decided there were some things about the anus that he’d prefer not to know). He stepped out and power-walked to Xing town in less than ten minutes, made his purchases and got back in scarcely over half an hour. And yes, he technically could have picked something up at the corner grocery, but the tiny convenience shop didn’t carry spare sheets…nor latex gloves, nor Chang Ma’s Famous Lubricating Love Oil, like a certain hole-in-the-wall shop next to the Xingian hot pot restaurant did. Though Madame Yao’s was certainly run by the most fearsome old lady Roy had ever encountered, outside of Ms. Rockbell.
“Big night tonight, eh?” She’d cackled as he’d attempted to wrap his myriad purchases into his greatcoat. “Better watch out. Pretty little hind of yours can only take so much abuse.” He really wished he could say he’d had a witty response to that, but in truth he’d ducked out the door tongue-tied. Evil old hag.
But, as they said, all was well that ended well! Years of working with Fullmetal had given him some amount of insight into the man’s taste, and he was delighted to learn he had in fact managed to peg Edward’s favorite Western Xingian dish dead-on. And while beef hot pot wasn’t one of Alphonse’s top picks, the younger Elric assured him he was perfectly content to pick out dumplings, since he wasn’t that hungry to begin with. In fact, for the better part of the meal, Alphonse solicited Roy’s help in learning massage technique, which made Roy feel especially Useful. Granted, it involved more demonstration on Edward’s Lats of Death, but the smarting hands were a small price to pay for Alphonse’s undivided attention. By the end, Edward abandoned the food entirely to lean into the touch, and was rumbling like a happy cat.
“Mmm, I wanna try this too.” He murmured eventually, when Roy took a long enough break. He was trying to breathe some life back into his sore, cramping fingers, and he regarded Edward in horror. Alphonse presented his shoulders helpfully, offered up some encouraging glances, and Roy found himself mechanically beginning to explain the ins and outs of Eastern massage therapy all over again. Alphonse’s back was not much easier to work with.
“I think I get it…” Edward said critically, peering around Roy’s right side. Poor man was still too short, even in adulthood, just to look over his shoulder.
“May I try?”
“By all means!” Roy said, relieved. He moved to get out from between them so Edward could have a turn with their now much more supple test subject - only to feel a warm hand pressed against his own spine, and palming its way up to the advised starting spot.
“Edward-“ He began, not at all thinking he wanted the source of the infamous Elric bone-crushing handshake messing around near his vertebrae, but Edward’s fingers pressed down at exactly that moment, and his protests evaporated.
Edward’s hands were amazing.
Well, more specifically, Edward’s hand, he thought fuzzily, biting back a moan as a careful stroke unlocked regions of his back he hadn’t realized were jammed. Edward wasn’t using the automail on him - probably didn’t have the control for it - but for the love of all that was holy he made up for it. The man possessed the sort of strength in five fingers that Roy’s entire arm could only dream about. Alphonse made an amused noise when he groaned (hell, he was vocalizing?), but Roy didn’t care. Deep, targeted strokes, getting all the right places…it felt like Edward had reached right into Roy’s spine and unplugged it.
“I think I see.” Edward said, easing up a bit. “You can do it with pressure points.”
“How…” Roy’s brain was still leaking out his ears, he could only manage simple words.
“Our master taught us how to work with them.” Alphonse said. “Though I think perhaps her focus was different.”
“Yeah, different and PAINFUL.” Edward added. “Hey, how’s it feel when I do this…”
“No fair, brother! Let me try, too…”
Roy couldn’t talk, but he hoped his heartfelt moans were encouraging.
The yard work fell fairly quickly, as did the foyer. One of the benefits of fire control was that it was also instant brush control. Gather yard clippings out back, burn to cinders, dispose of the ash leisure. He knew he should have an array for that somewhere…like the array for waxing floorboards…neither of which were FILED correctly (argh), so he settled for throwing a tarp over the ash and a rug over the floorboards. Good enough for government work, as they said.
This could also explain why Colonel Hawkeye took such exception to his ‘government work’.
Ah, no matter. He had important things to worry about, like the bedroom. The women he went out with were mostly a charade. Pretty young girls who enjoyed the game of it, the free dinner; occasionally he slept with one but he’d never take her home. The kinds of women he even went out with more than once already knew where they stood, and they, like he, were only in it for the shits and giggles. They’d knock boots a couple times at some hotel, shake hands, and call it even. Maybe they also had enemies to lull into a false sense of security. He didn’t know, and he could honestly say he didn’t care. But the point was, he wasn’t much in the business of having them over. Despite all the rumors of his leopard print/red satin/hot-tub-big-enough-for-three Love Nest, Roy didn’t actually have a great place for seducing virgins. His town home, and his bedroom, was where he went to Get Away From It All. The women of Central didn’t belong in it.
Speaking of things, and belonging in… It was also true that the women of Central, generally speaking, did not let you put it up their ass. (At least not without extracting the sorts of promises that Roy absolutely did not want to keep.) Edward and Alphonse, on the other hand…being men, they had no choice. Delicious prospect, but that caused its own problems. Did he even have any lube on hand, right now? Gloves? He could probably transmute both if it came to that but that would require going back to the filing cabinet or worse, sitting down and plotting out that whole damned array again. Perhaps he could ask one of the boys…but it was a bit hard to explain, and in the heat of the moment what if they couldn’t sustain the reaction, it was hard enough to concentrate without being naked and writhing, panting, couldn’t think cause there were hands on you--
What was he thinking about? Oh sheets, right. Roy shook himself and eyed his bedding, trying to remember when he’d last changed it. Two months ago..three? He pressed his nose to a pillow and inhaled. He didn’t think they smelled bad-bad…well, okay, definitely old, but it was his scent, and nothing he found particularly unpleasant. Company, though, company might take exception to it. He bit his lip and wondered if he had time to mess with them. And were they really what the Elrics were expecting? Maybe he should go out and buy satin.
Cotton was easier to clean though. And he liked his current sheets, and didn’t want to see them stained. Decided, Roy scooped up everything and dumped it in the closet. He would get a spare set from the general store, maybe transmute a sateen finish in. Edward was habitually late, he should have enough time to run down there and back -
- except that, he realized as the doorbell chimed, Edward’s habitual, grievous lateness was also counterbalanced by Alphonse’s habitual, even more grievous earliness. The chime rang again, and he had nothing on the damn bed at all. Damn damn damn damn. He tore the closet open again, still cursing, and snatched the wad of bedding back up. What to do, what to do. A rhythmical thumping started echoing up from the front door and Roy rubbed his temples.
Well, he HAD wanted hot, blond virgins pounding his door down.
He pulled the bedroom door shut and headed for the lower level, took the stairs two at a time. No time to comb his hair, but hey, tousled was sexy, right? He sucked in his gut, spread on a smile, and prepared to turn on the charm.
“Hi!” He said breathlessly, opening the door on a pair of furious golden eyes. He sort of wished he’d had time for a cigarette - that was guaranteed to get his voice properly husky.
“Good evening, Colonel.” Alphonse replied for his brother. He was actually hoding his brother in place, Roy noticed with concern; Alphonse was standing behind Edward with his elbows hooked through Edward’s arms. For a moment, the Mustang Family Smile almost faded.
“Brother?” Alphonse prompted.
“Yeah, hello.” Edward groused, colored slightly. Alphonse gave Roy a beatific smile over Edward’s shoulder, and Roy returned it. Well, at least one of them was enthused, Roy thought. Accentuate the positive.
“Are you gonna invite us in, or are you gonna keep us out here freezing our asses off?” Edward demanded. Ah, Edward.
“I wasn’t aware you actually wanted to COME in.” Roy said, falling into the easy cadence of Banter with Edward. It was their own form of flirting, really; both of them knew the hostility was meaningless. “Looks more like a hostage situation out here.”
Alphonse found it prudent to blush then, always the gentleman. Edward tilted his head back and glared.
“Sorry, brother,” Alphonse said, taking the classic tack of apologizing-without-actually-apologizing. “But it would have been silly run off now.”
“He didn’t answer for five million years.” Edward complained, eyes shooting daggers in Roy’s direction.
“It was two minutes.” Alphonse said, also directly to Roy. Roy forced himself to keep smiling, in what he hoped was a disarming way. Edward certainly looked like he could use defusing.
“Well, if you two are done talking through me.” Roy said. “Would you like to come in?” This he addressed directly to Edward. Alphonse’s assurances to the contrary, it seemed more and more that this was something Edward had been bullied into, which gave him pause. Intrigued by a threesome he might be, but unwilling partners were a deal-breaker.
It was Edward who broke the stand-off, though. He shrugged his brother’s hold easily, making it suddenly clear that Alphonse had never really been restraining him in the first place, and started toward the doorway.
“C’mon.” He mumbled to his brother as he shoved past Roy into the safety of the hall. “No sense in standing out here waiting for my balls to turn blue and fall off.”
“Would that be from the weather, or frustration?” Roy couldn’t resist. “It’s not that cold out, you know.”
“Go to hell.” Edward sighed wearily. Roy arched an eyebrow. Edward must be feeling uncomfortable, if he wasn’t up to something more witty. In fact, he was surprised to note that when he ushered the brothers to the living room, Edward didn’t have a single comment to make on the gawdawful décor (which he still hadn’t gotten around to revamping. Hm.). Edward did however manage to radiate Displeasure, which was slightly irksome. They argued mercilessly, but Roy really didn’t like seeing Fullmetal in a genuinely bad mood.
“What’s the matter, Fullmetal?” He asked, trying to bait with the work name. “Cat got your tongue?” His eyes flickered briefly to the horrid picture of kittens that someone (possibly Alphonse) had given him for his last birthday. Edward merely rolled his eyes and lowered himself onto the couch with a slight hiss.
“You’ll have to excuse him.” Alphonse said in a stage whisper. “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, you see.” That got a rise out of the elder Elric, finally.
“Hey, more like ‘someone’ screeches like a banshee!” Edward retorted. “Dammit Al, you call that a wake-up call!?”
“Well, you were the one who broke your alarm clock.” Alphonse said, looking entirely unsympathetic.
“That wasn’t my fault! It surprised me!”
Alphonse snickered. “Yeah, that big, bad inanimate object…really got the drop on you, didn’t it?”
“HEY! That’s not what I meant and you know it-”
Alphonse cast a glance aside to Roy as his brother launched into a short rant about what exactly it was that he had meant (and a good deal more besides), and Roy inclined his head.
“Actually, I think perhaps the um, recommended preparations aren’t sitting well with him.” Alphonse said quietly. “I know it bothered me a little.”
Alphonse did sit gingerly, Roy noticed as the man joined his sibling on the sofa. Damn. Enemas didn’t bother everyone, but when they did irritate, they could make sex much more of a pain.
“Are you sure you want to go through with it tonight, then?” Roy asked. “We could postpone…”
“No.” Edward piped up suddenly. “Hell no. I wanna get this over with.”
“Sex isn’t something you do to ‘get it over with’, Fullmetal.” Roy frowned. “If that’s the attitude you’re going into this with…”
Edward’s eyes widened. “No! That’s not what I meant, I just-“ He paused, took a deep breath. “Hell, I’m not any good with this.” Golden eyes looked up at Roy, pleading. “Just kind of uncomfortable, right? My stomach sort of hurts, and…yeah.” He looked away, and Roy was suddenly stricken by how much the boy reminded him of himself at that age - painfully nervous, middle full of butterflies, probably as likely to turn tail and run before potential tail. Well, okay, granted that was more like his fourteen year old self, but still. He could at least empathize with the virgin part.
“It’s okay.” He murmured, eyes slitted; his best Sympathetic, Reassuring Voice. He slid down onto the soft next to Edward, kept his movements slow and non-threatening.
“Would you mind if I touch you?”
Edward shot him an exasperated look. “Would I be here if I did? Way to go, Master of Logic.”
On Edward’s far side, Alphonse sighed. “Brother…”
“I just wanted to warn you first.” Roy said.
“Okay, well…what do you want me to do?” Edward asked, screwing his eyes shut. He was obviously bracing himself for some sort of impact, which Roy found both endearing and hilarious at the same time. What did Edward expect, that Roy’s cock was just going to leap up and jab him? Especially when he was, you know, sitting down.
“Turn to the side - no, the other side. Face your brother. I need your back.” Roy instructed. Alphonse shifted further toward the opposing edge so Edward could fold his legs up onto the couch.
“Like this?”
“Yes.” Roy affirmed. Edward was visibly on edge, tensed even more when Roy laid a tentative hand on his shoulder.
“What are you going to do?” Edward asked, clenching his automail hand into the seat cushions as if hanging on for dear life. Alphonse shot Roy a sympathetic glance over Ed’s shoulder. Roy placed his other hand at the small of Edward’s back and began kneading slow, deep strokes that made the young man sit up even straighter.
“The hell is this supposed to do?” Edward asked, craning his neck backward. He squirmed a bit as Roy pressed harder.
“Just bear with me for a moment.” Roy said, privately sweating bullets. God, he wasn’t used to working on someone with so much MUSCLE. “Try to relax. You’re full of knots.” He dug his knuckles in and tried to suss some of them out, holy crap. Sensual massage be damned, Edward needed a jackhammer.
“We did spar last night.” Alphonse mentioned. He was stroking one hand along Edward’s forearm in what was probably a soothing manner, but Roy at least was not reassured. Edward’s automail was currently fisted, and if the squirming was any indication, he was probably close to just hauling off and smacking him. He sucked in a breath and moved his hands higher, to the base of Edward’s neck, and that’s when finally he found the trick to the man. He squeezed gently and Edward’s muscles finally started to release, letting go of the tension in a series of great shudders. Yes, there, that was money. Roy resisted the urge to crow as Edward leaned back hard against him, arching, craving more of his touch. If there was one thing he prided himself on (and Roy prided himself on many things), it was his talent for turning nervous virgins into appreciative putty.
“Wow…” Alphonse breathed, further stroking his ego. “Can I try that next?”
“Sure,” Roy smiled, though admittedly his fingers weren’t quite so enthusiastic. They were already starting to ache a bit from applying so much pressure. It was like kneading steel bars. But well, at least Edward seemed to be enjoying it. So much, in fact, that he was trembling…no, swooning…
Edward swayed to one side, and then righted himself abruptly, pulled away with a hiss.
“Fullmetal?” he asked, worried.
Edward turned back to look at him, and gave him a pained smile.
“Are you okay? Did I pinch something?”
“No, no, feels good…it’s just, I’m really hungry. Haven’t eaten since last night.”
“I told you so…” Alphonse added, though his tone was not so much know-it-all as concerned.
Roy was at a loss. Having fed the man often enough himself, it was inconceivable that Edward had just somehow forgotten to eat. “Fullmetal, what happened?”
“Well, I didn’t want to…you know, ruin it by not being hygienic. I did some reading, and certain authorities advise a fast in lieu of cleaning. More natural, less chance of irritation.” He shot his sibling a dirty look.
“And I still don’t think the Pennington study was nearly diverse enough to be applicable.” Alphonse said, frowning. “Primarily older men, that could explain the higher rate of side effect.”
“I wasn’t predicting based on Pennington!” Edward came back. “Hasselhoff’s clinical trial is more recent, and it was better controlled. At least I had more to go on than subjective report!”
“And subjectively, I might point out that fasting DOES lead to low blood sugar, and we all know what happens to you when you’re hypoglycemic.”
“Wait…” Roy said weakly, before they could continue digging even further into the ‘theory’. “You don’t honestly mean you two found clinical studies?” He knew better than to express incredulity over the fact that they had researched to begin with. The Elrics were men of science. He had known them to take data on what ratio of moisture to paper made the best spitballs.
The brothers looked at him like he had suddenly sprouted an extra head.
“Yeah, of course.” Edward said.
“No offense, sir, but have you been to the library lately?” Alphonse chimed in. “The State has been funding everything. The new medical section could probably field you studies on two-tongued eleven toed monkey fetuses.”
“Or the reasons behind belly button lint.” Edward said, caught his brother’s eye, and they dissolved into snicker fits. “Yeah, yeah, we saw that.”
“Only one case study, BUT…”
“Yeah, seriously.”
“Intriguing.” Roy said absently into the stream of constant in-joke. Really, what was most intriguing to HIM was the fact that Edward had apparently been committed enough to this venture to take action even without Alphonse’s approval. And before Alphonse had even called to set this tryst up. With Edward, who was also a man of action, that alone spoke louder than words. He gave Edward’s shoulders an impulsive, affectionate squeeze and winced.
Right, one of those was metal.
“What was this about low blood sugar?” Roy asked, getting back to the problem at hand. Edward didn’t SEEM aggressively faint, but now that he was watching for it he did admit the man looked a bit peaky.
“His automail is powered primarily by biological means.” Alphonse answered for his brother. “His metabolism burns a lot hotter than the average person…he needs more calories to keep up with the drain.”
“Really…” Roy said, feeling slightly chagrined. All this time, and he never knew…and it really would explain a lot. “And all those years, I thought you were just being a teenager.”
“Yeah well.” Edward snorted. “Why do you think I fought your damn expense budget so hard?”
“I’m sorry.” Roy said.
“Well, not like I ever told you. Water under the bridge.” Edward waved actual fights away like nothing, these days - another sign that he was no longer the boy he once had been. “But yeah, I’m sorry, but…do you have anything I could eat?” And here was the blush, curiously enough - it figured. Edward hadn’t colored once when Roy’s hands were all over him, but come to admitting basic, human needs, and the man got all bashful.
“Sure, whatever you want!” Roy said. “Hang on…”
He padded his way into the kitchen and threw the fridge open proudly, intent on Providing…to reveal a few beers, a couple cloves of garlic, condiments, and a couple other generally unappetizing things. Oh. Right. Since when had he last voluntarily eaten in, let alone cooked?
Damn damn damn…oh well, no help for it.
“Hey…” He said, sticking his head back in the living room.
“Yes?” Alphonse’s eyes were wide and cherubic. Even Edward perked up.
“…how do you feel about take out?”
In truth, having to make an emergency run for noodles was a blessing in disguise. He left the brothers relaxing on his couch and arguing merrily about some medical treatise they had found (Roy listened in as he put his greatcoat on, then promptly stopped, decided there were some things about the anus that he’d prefer not to know). He stepped out and power-walked to Xing town in less than ten minutes, made his purchases and got back in scarcely over half an hour. And yes, he technically could have picked something up at the corner grocery, but the tiny convenience shop didn’t carry spare sheets…nor latex gloves, nor Chang Ma’s Famous Lubricating Love Oil, like a certain hole-in-the-wall shop next to the Xingian hot pot restaurant did. Though Madame Yao’s was certainly run by the most fearsome old lady Roy had ever encountered, outside of Ms. Rockbell.
“Big night tonight, eh?” She’d cackled as he’d attempted to wrap his myriad purchases into his greatcoat. “Better watch out. Pretty little hind of yours can only take so much abuse.” He really wished he could say he’d had a witty response to that, but in truth he’d ducked out the door tongue-tied. Evil old hag.
But, as they said, all was well that ended well! Years of working with Fullmetal had given him some amount of insight into the man’s taste, and he was delighted to learn he had in fact managed to peg Edward’s favorite Western Xingian dish dead-on. And while beef hot pot wasn’t one of Alphonse’s top picks, the younger Elric assured him he was perfectly content to pick out dumplings, since he wasn’t that hungry to begin with. In fact, for the better part of the meal, Alphonse solicited Roy’s help in learning massage technique, which made Roy feel especially Useful. Granted, it involved more demonstration on Edward’s Lats of Death, but the smarting hands were a small price to pay for Alphonse’s undivided attention. By the end, Edward abandoned the food entirely to lean into the touch, and was rumbling like a happy cat.
“Mmm, I wanna try this too.” He murmured eventually, when Roy took a long enough break. He was trying to breathe some life back into his sore, cramping fingers, and he regarded Edward in horror. Alphonse presented his shoulders helpfully, offered up some encouraging glances, and Roy found himself mechanically beginning to explain the ins and outs of Eastern massage therapy all over again. Alphonse’s back was not much easier to work with.
“I think I get it…” Edward said critically, peering around Roy’s right side. Poor man was still too short, even in adulthood, just to look over his shoulder.
“May I try?”
“By all means!” Roy said, relieved. He moved to get out from between them so Edward could have a turn with their now much more supple test subject - only to feel a warm hand pressed against his own spine, and palming its way up to the advised starting spot.
“Edward-“ He began, not at all thinking he wanted the source of the infamous Elric bone-crushing handshake messing around near his vertebrae, but Edward’s fingers pressed down at exactly that moment, and his protests evaporated.
Edward’s hands were amazing.
Well, more specifically, Edward’s hand, he thought fuzzily, biting back a moan as a careful stroke unlocked regions of his back he hadn’t realized were jammed. Edward wasn’t using the automail on him - probably didn’t have the control for it - but for the love of all that was holy he made up for it. The man possessed the sort of strength in five fingers that Roy’s entire arm could only dream about. Alphonse made an amused noise when he groaned (hell, he was vocalizing?), but Roy didn’t care. Deep, targeted strokes, getting all the right places…it felt like Edward had reached right into Roy’s spine and unplugged it.
“I think I see.” Edward said, easing up a bit. “You can do it with pressure points.”
“How…” Roy’s brain was still leaking out his ears, he could only manage simple words.
“Our master taught us how to work with them.” Alphonse said. “Though I think perhaps her focus was different.”
“Yeah, different and PAINFUL.” Edward added. “Hey, how’s it feel when I do this…”
“No fair, brother! Let me try, too…”
Roy couldn’t talk, but he hoped his heartfelt moans were encouraging.