(no subject)
i don't know what to do anymore. i'm so alone, and i'm so scared. There is no meaning in my life. i go through the motions everyday, come home, and try to pretend everything is okay...even when i know it's not. nothing is okay anymore. i don't suppose anything has changed all that drastically, i simply can't cope the way i used to. i used to joke about not having any friends--about how alone i am. now when my family jokes about it, all these thoughts that i've pushed to the back of my mind come rushing back. my doctors wonder why i fear rejection. i thought it seemed quite obvious, but they don't get it. i know how painful rejection can be. sure when it's experianced a little here a little there it stings a little; but, when everything and everyone in your life seems to give up on you all at once...now that's crushing. i know that some people just can't deal with the baggage i come with. honestly, i had just hoped i would have one person in my life that could. i can honestly say that really have not had any "friends" in two years. i know that it might be best for them...jesus, even carissa's mom said i was a bad influence on her daughter. i don't know...for some reason i thought that it wouldn't matter. i figured that i had known everybody for so long and that we had been through so much with everybody that it wouldn't matter if i had some problems. i guess i was wrong. what i would do just for a hug--even from a stranger off the street--anything to know that there might be somebody out there who understands or even cares. i'm completely alone in my life and i'm worn out, tired, and sick of trying.