(no subject)
Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me. No you don't mean a thing to me.
I think a storm is comming. I just saw lightning and heard a super loud thunder. I am really in the mood to write, but I don't have anything but gossip on him on my mind. I can only write when it rains so hopefully it will rain loudly.
I am really missing ASP right now. I hate these nights being home. I want to be older and have more freedom and a car. I love the leniancy of ASP. And the innocience of the night. Catching fireflies, football in the dark, being tacked numerous times by Augustus, who I was sure hated me, making random friends and talking for hours, ice cream before bed every night, talking about trucks, being one of the guys, spades tournaments, learning to understand the Kentucky accent, hearing about all of Roger's animals, Roger in general, flirting with everyone without meaning anything by it, countless misquito bites, watching the stars at night, fireworks from the gym windows, sleeping in the bleacher areas, listening in as Taylor talked to his girlfriend on the phone as Bryant beat me up and tried to spit toothpaste on me, all the pointless fights with Bryant, watching ultimate frisbee and basketball all day, joking about Starla's new boyfriend, meeting the staffers, paint wars with Taylor's dad, the simple and comfortable worship songs, and getting closer to the guys and a few girls that I have known for years but never truely known. Why do we ever have to go home? Why can't we just live under the stars, as children forever, happily ever after, in Kentucky? Talk about perfect.
At MYF tonight we did absolutly nothing. It was really a great time. We walked down to sonic and then came back and were going to watch brat camp but the reception on the TV wasn't very good so me and Lara played volleyball with Wade and "Colter." Haha. We also took a van tour through my neighborhood and it was super great. I also played with the football with Zack the intern and I was better than him. I think I have really gotton the spiral thing down. I am really proud of myself. I miss the football on the beach with Hannah, though. Even though it is nice to throw the ball and not be splashed by a random guy (David) when you're trying to catch it. But the down side of playing on a basketball court is that if the ball is thrown to the side of you, there is no water to break your fall if you stupidly decide to dive for it. hehe.
So I have been reassured that liking him is not a mistake, and that makes me feel better. I have also decided not to get my hopes up because getting hurt is not what I need right now and that I should be very careful. I wonder how all of this is going to work out in the very end. I guess I won't be too disapointed either way. I guess we'll just have to see.
So many people have told me that I look like I have lost weight, but I still weigh the same. I don't understand that. I guess it is good that I am skinnier, but I don't know. I still want to be skinnier. I need to be skinnier. bleh.
If I really sat down and did pros and cons on my life right now, I would have so many more pros that cons, I think. And if this is true, and I am happy, then why am I in such a crap mood? I shouldn't be. My family isnt being as shit as usual, my friends are around, I went to church tonight and saw some kids I missed, Derek..., apparently I'm skinny. I don't know what is left to really complain about. I mean, I could sit here all day and nit pick, but generally, things are really, surprisingly great. Why do I not feel great? I think I'm broken. Does anyone know how to fix me?
Oh, FYI Emily, we are cheering for the Jeffery's guys very very soon. It is going to be sooo amazing. It might be even more fun if we had a tiny bit of alcohol in our systems, eh? We should try and make that work. Also I really want to smoke with y'all if we get the chance. At least once before summer ends. I love you, girlie.
I think my mopeing and bitching is really getting on my family's nerves so I'm just gonna go to bed.
"I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking
As we moved together in the dark.
And all the friends that I was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite I gave you left a mark.
Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did and so did I that day..."
Ya know, sometimes, I think I love you. Other times, I know I don't. And sometimes, on nights like tonight, as I listen to the rain fall in the distance, I know, for sure, that I really do love you, and that my heart will belong to you forever. And some people might be too ignorant and might disagree with my use of the word love. Might say that I am too young to really know what it is, but who cares what they think. For now, I love you, and only you, and as long as you have any room whatsoever for me in your heart or life, I am yours, and only yours.
"Love can be so silly."
If you could do one thing before you died, what would that one thing be? I know mine. Everyone answer. hehe. I'm going to start asking random questions like that on here, and hopefully everyone will answer to make me feel loved!