Seems I'm not the only one....
Here I was ready to pour my heart out to this thing...but I checked my friends page first and saw an entry that was like looking at my inner thoughts. Everything I was thinking and feeling was right there....in her words....my thoughts in her words. It was, to say the least, amazing. I wont reveal her, wont speak the name, but I just wanted to tell you that I know how your feeling....the situations may not be exactly alike but I understand.
Tonight while I sat at home in my apartment, alone, I got this overwhelming sense of lonliness. I just wanted someone, anyone really, to talk to. I thought about calling someone but didnt think it fair....why should they want to hang out with me just becuase I'm lonely. This lonliness its weakness...weakness and selfishness. When I am single I always have this need to have a secret crush becuase I need something to occupy my thoughts. Of course its not that I'll think of them all the time, just sometimes. It gives me a reason for certain things. Not to mention the fact that it fuels my writing abilities. I always find inspiration when I have that secret love for someone. It brings the most creative and poetic ideas. If I were to look back at almost all my poems from high school they were about one person. The sheer volume seems ridiculous now. Four years of poems for one person that never really felt the same. I wrote them in hopes he would see them. His praise seemed to make the writing all more satisfying. Even critisism meant that he had at least paid some attention. I wrote for him and in that way he was my muse....but it was lost over time and distance and the poems arnt the same without the..I hate to say it....obsession. My feelings for him changed....well reality set in to be honest....a stolen season made me realize. I miss the inspiration the the feelings gave. My poems arnt the same forced. I cant just apply the feelings elsewhere and certainly cant fake them.
I miss being in love. I do indeed love being in love but that makes falling out of it all the harder.....I didnt even realize at the time that I felt that way. Was it really only a few months ago? And yet there I was terrified to take that leap of faith in another person....so I didnt and it ended. I long so much for someone to desire me the way that I desire them. To have someone think of me when they see the empty side of the bed. Sleeping alone was never the same after him.
But now I refuse to allow myself to get into a relationship even though I feel lonlier that ever. I have indeed brought this upon myself. I have my sister (though she doesnt see it since shes in love herself and has almost forgotten me), Amanda and Charlotte and.....I wish there was an "and"...I would say Josh but we havent talked in over a month. God I miss him....but hes busy and so am I. I would say Jim....but we havent really walked since he moved out....and he has Kat. I can say Ross but I wonder if he'll push me out of his life again since that seems to happen every so often. People tell me to make new friends.....like its some easy task....for most people maybe it is....but I avoid most social interaction unless I have someone else with me. I'm fine once I get to know the people but as for that first meeting or going to a party where I dont know a lot of people....its one of my biggest phobias.....I'm great at interacting with people but its not as easy for me to make friends with them.
And so I continue on with my complaints of being lonely which makes me nothing better than a whiner.....I need to make time for clubs at school, friends from work and relationships that I already have but I'm not that great at concentrating on. I get caught up with my own problems.
I miss you guys.....
Tonight while I sat at home in my apartment, alone, I got this overwhelming sense of lonliness. I just wanted someone, anyone really, to talk to. I thought about calling someone but didnt think it fair....why should they want to hang out with me just becuase I'm lonely. This lonliness its weakness...weakness and selfishness. When I am single I always have this need to have a secret crush becuase I need something to occupy my thoughts. Of course its not that I'll think of them all the time, just sometimes. It gives me a reason for certain things. Not to mention the fact that it fuels my writing abilities. I always find inspiration when I have that secret love for someone. It brings the most creative and poetic ideas. If I were to look back at almost all my poems from high school they were about one person. The sheer volume seems ridiculous now. Four years of poems for one person that never really felt the same. I wrote them in hopes he would see them. His praise seemed to make the writing all more satisfying. Even critisism meant that he had at least paid some attention. I wrote for him and in that way he was my muse....but it was lost over time and distance and the poems arnt the same without the..I hate to say it....obsession. My feelings for him changed....well reality set in to be honest....a stolen season made me realize. I miss the inspiration the the feelings gave. My poems arnt the same forced. I cant just apply the feelings elsewhere and certainly cant fake them.
I miss being in love. I do indeed love being in love but that makes falling out of it all the harder.....I didnt even realize at the time that I felt that way. Was it really only a few months ago? And yet there I was terrified to take that leap of faith in another person....so I didnt and it ended. I long so much for someone to desire me the way that I desire them. To have someone think of me when they see the empty side of the bed. Sleeping alone was never the same after him.
But now I refuse to allow myself to get into a relationship even though I feel lonlier that ever. I have indeed brought this upon myself. I have my sister (though she doesnt see it since shes in love herself and has almost forgotten me), Amanda and Charlotte and.....I wish there was an "and"...I would say Josh but we havent talked in over a month. God I miss him....but hes busy and so am I. I would say Jim....but we havent really walked since he moved out....and he has Kat. I can say Ross but I wonder if he'll push me out of his life again since that seems to happen every so often. People tell me to make new friends.....like its some easy task....for most people maybe it is....but I avoid most social interaction unless I have someone else with me. I'm fine once I get to know the people but as for that first meeting or going to a party where I dont know a lot of people....its one of my biggest phobias.....I'm great at interacting with people but its not as easy for me to make friends with them.
And so I continue on with my complaints of being lonely which makes me nothing better than a whiner.....I need to make time for clubs at school, friends from work and relationships that I already have but I'm not that great at concentrating on. I get caught up with my own problems.
I miss you guys.....