[fanfic] never perfect
Title: Never perfect
Pairing: JaeSu / bandfic
Genre: angst. drama.
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1 362
Summary: You were meant to be five, but one went missing.
Disclaimer: Don't own DBSK.
~
“Where do you think the soul goes after you die?“ The question came sudden and Yunho looked at Jaejoong in surprise.
“I don’t know. Why do you ask?” Jaejoong shrugged and looked out of the window. They stayed silent for a moment until Junsu suddenly burst into the room, bubbling happiness and with red cheeks.
“We have our debut in two days, why are you mourning here in the kitchen?”
Jaejoong had to smile at him and let him pull him up to drag him into the living room. He looked back at Yunho and caught his thoughtful but happy smile that he always had when he was thinking about their debut.
Junsu’s happiness was infectious, so he could feel the same bubbles forming in his stomach. Maybe he found the right people to realize his dream; maybe they could help him making it true. He looked over to Changmin who already sat on the couch, waiting for Junsu to return to their game and then let his gaze flicker over to Yoochun who sat in one corner, immersed in some English book as always with earphones in his ears.
They were still strangers, especially with Yoochun who just came recently into the band. But Jaejoong was sure they would become great friends, he just had this feeling.
Later they were at the practice room and tried to make everything as good as they could, make it perfect.
Their harmony wasn’t perfect, it was far from the perfection it would reach after years of practicing but again Jaejoong had this feeling that everything would be alright, everything would turn out just perfect.
The debut came and went like the stroke of wing. It was only a moment, the start of their career, but it meant so much more for all of them. After one week they finally had the chance to just sit down in the living room together and cherish the moment. Each of them thought about the past week and events.
Finally Jaejoong looked carefully at every one of them and spoke up, not even considering that Yunho wanted to say something as the leader.
“I think we will be big, we will be great. We will do it.” His smile was bright and ensuring. He believed in this with all his heart.
Slowly the others began to nod and smile, too. It was like Jaejoong had spoken a secret spell.
The spell didn’t last long, though. It was a year after their debut, winter season again. They wanted to celebrate their first anniversary together.
It was only a moment, just like their debut had been for so many people, that went by and that changed their lives once again forever.
Junsu didn’t die instantly, he didn’t die the moment the car hit him. He took his time, so long that everyone began to hope he would wake up again, but in the end he ended it with a soft breath, like the stroke of wing that had been their debut. Only a moment and it was over.
They sat in the kitchen again, Yunho and Jaejoong. This time nobody said anything and no Junsu came barging through the door, filling the room with sunshine. Jaejoong stared out the window at the snow until his eyes hurt from the reflected sun and whiteness.
“What will happen now?” Yunho’s voice was quiet, small like the child he still kind of was inside. He was the leader but it had always been Jaejoong who knew all the answers and would speak up.
This time nobody had an answer, not even Jaejoong, so he just sat there, silent and staring until the tears came. Slowly, one after another rolled down his cheeks and he tried to justify them with the blending of the snow. But then he got tired, so tired and just laid his head down and let them flow.
“I don’t know…” It was a desperate sobbing that came too late to be considered an answer but Yunho just nodded and hesitantly put his hand on Jaejoong’s head. They were still strangers and still they missed Junsu so much, even though he had been just a stranger like everyone else in their little band.
The answer came a week later from the management. The show must go on, whatever happened. And they still had their dream, didn’t they?
Jaejoong didn’t know the answer to that question but he could see it clearly written on everyone else’s face, so he just nodded, hiding behind his mask of coldness and beauty.
However he didn’t believe in the spell anymore and he thought the others probably didn’t even remember it. He still remembered, but it had no meaning anymore.
How could they be perfect, how could they be great without Junsu? How could their harmony be perfect with one member missing?
It had been in consideration to add a new member but that was a clear no to all of them, so they remained as four and life went on. It always went on.
They got older and better, they won prizes and gained more and more fans. They had success and they did great, they became big. But they weren’t perfect and there was always something missing. Nobody noticed, but the four members.
It was a familiar situation. A kitchen and two men, now older and probably wiser, sat at the table while one stared outside.
“Do you remember the question you once asked me?” Yunho’s voice was tired, drained from stress and leadership throughout the years but it never lacked the fondness it had whenever he talked with his members. Some things won’t leave, no matter what happened. Jaejoong thought about this a bit longer until he directed his mind back to Yunho’s question and he tried to remember.
Finally he slowly nodded and smiled with a tinge of sadness.
“About what happens with our soul after we die?” His voice faded away at the end of the sentence and was almost not audible at the word ‘die’.
Yunho’s smile deepened and he took Jaejoong’s hand. They weren’t strangers anymore.
“I think it becomes a butterfly.”
There was no reaction from Jaejoong, but he watched their hands being linked on the table and thought of Junsu. They weren’t strangers anymore but he would like to think the same of him and Junsu. He would have liked it if he got to know him over the years, too. If he could fall in harmony and synchronization just the same with him like he did with his members.
“I still miss him.” The words were simple and true and this was the first time he spoke them.
The silent ‘I know’, that Yunho signalized him with the pressing of his hands almost made him cry, after all these years. But he had become hard over time, hard to these feelings that sometimes haunted him in his dreams and nightmares.
“Sometimes I ask myself ‘what if?’.” Jaejoong looked up and smiled, broken and the feelings he hid inside where showing openly on his face this time.
“I know I shouldn’t, but… what if?” He bit his lip and suddenly realized he couldn’t cry anymore. It had been years and maybe all the tears dried inside without being cried, maybe it was okay like this.
Yunho only smiled and continued to hold his hands. They still went to Jaejoong with questions about anything and everything and he was strong, for all of them. Only when he looked like this, when the time came and his feelings they all knew about came to the surface, then they stood still around him, like a wall protecting and shielding him from the outside. They made sure he could be weak in these moments and blocked off everyone and everything until he had his mask back.
They weren’t strangers anymore. But there was still a presence among them that felt like a stranger. Even after all these years because they never really got to know him, but at the same time they couldn’t forget just like that.
They always had been five and they won’t be perfect with four, ever.
Pairing: JaeSu / bandfic
Genre: angst. drama.
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1 362
Summary: You were meant to be five, but one went missing.
Disclaimer: Don't own DBSK.
~
“Where do you think the soul goes after you die?“ The question came sudden and Yunho looked at Jaejoong in surprise.
“I don’t know. Why do you ask?” Jaejoong shrugged and looked out of the window. They stayed silent for a moment until Junsu suddenly burst into the room, bubbling happiness and with red cheeks.
“We have our debut in two days, why are you mourning here in the kitchen?”
Jaejoong had to smile at him and let him pull him up to drag him into the living room. He looked back at Yunho and caught his thoughtful but happy smile that he always had when he was thinking about their debut.
Junsu’s happiness was infectious, so he could feel the same bubbles forming in his stomach. Maybe he found the right people to realize his dream; maybe they could help him making it true. He looked over to Changmin who already sat on the couch, waiting for Junsu to return to their game and then let his gaze flicker over to Yoochun who sat in one corner, immersed in some English book as always with earphones in his ears.
They were still strangers, especially with Yoochun who just came recently into the band. But Jaejoong was sure they would become great friends, he just had this feeling.
Later they were at the practice room and tried to make everything as good as they could, make it perfect.
Their harmony wasn’t perfect, it was far from the perfection it would reach after years of practicing but again Jaejoong had this feeling that everything would be alright, everything would turn out just perfect.
The debut came and went like the stroke of wing. It was only a moment, the start of their career, but it meant so much more for all of them. After one week they finally had the chance to just sit down in the living room together and cherish the moment. Each of them thought about the past week and events.
Finally Jaejoong looked carefully at every one of them and spoke up, not even considering that Yunho wanted to say something as the leader.
“I think we will be big, we will be great. We will do it.” His smile was bright and ensuring. He believed in this with all his heart.
Slowly the others began to nod and smile, too. It was like Jaejoong had spoken a secret spell.
The spell didn’t last long, though. It was a year after their debut, winter season again. They wanted to celebrate their first anniversary together.
It was only a moment, just like their debut had been for so many people, that went by and that changed their lives once again forever.
Junsu didn’t die instantly, he didn’t die the moment the car hit him. He took his time, so long that everyone began to hope he would wake up again, but in the end he ended it with a soft breath, like the stroke of wing that had been their debut. Only a moment and it was over.
They sat in the kitchen again, Yunho and Jaejoong. This time nobody said anything and no Junsu came barging through the door, filling the room with sunshine. Jaejoong stared out the window at the snow until his eyes hurt from the reflected sun and whiteness.
“What will happen now?” Yunho’s voice was quiet, small like the child he still kind of was inside. He was the leader but it had always been Jaejoong who knew all the answers and would speak up.
This time nobody had an answer, not even Jaejoong, so he just sat there, silent and staring until the tears came. Slowly, one after another rolled down his cheeks and he tried to justify them with the blending of the snow. But then he got tired, so tired and just laid his head down and let them flow.
“I don’t know…” It was a desperate sobbing that came too late to be considered an answer but Yunho just nodded and hesitantly put his hand on Jaejoong’s head. They were still strangers and still they missed Junsu so much, even though he had been just a stranger like everyone else in their little band.
The answer came a week later from the management. The show must go on, whatever happened. And they still had their dream, didn’t they?
Jaejoong didn’t know the answer to that question but he could see it clearly written on everyone else’s face, so he just nodded, hiding behind his mask of coldness and beauty.
However he didn’t believe in the spell anymore and he thought the others probably didn’t even remember it. He still remembered, but it had no meaning anymore.
How could they be perfect, how could they be great without Junsu? How could their harmony be perfect with one member missing?
It had been in consideration to add a new member but that was a clear no to all of them, so they remained as four and life went on. It always went on.
They got older and better, they won prizes and gained more and more fans. They had success and they did great, they became big. But they weren’t perfect and there was always something missing. Nobody noticed, but the four members.
It was a familiar situation. A kitchen and two men, now older and probably wiser, sat at the table while one stared outside.
“Do you remember the question you once asked me?” Yunho’s voice was tired, drained from stress and leadership throughout the years but it never lacked the fondness it had whenever he talked with his members. Some things won’t leave, no matter what happened. Jaejoong thought about this a bit longer until he directed his mind back to Yunho’s question and he tried to remember.
Finally he slowly nodded and smiled with a tinge of sadness.
“About what happens with our soul after we die?” His voice faded away at the end of the sentence and was almost not audible at the word ‘die’.
Yunho’s smile deepened and he took Jaejoong’s hand. They weren’t strangers anymore.
“I think it becomes a butterfly.”
There was no reaction from Jaejoong, but he watched their hands being linked on the table and thought of Junsu. They weren’t strangers anymore but he would like to think the same of him and Junsu. He would have liked it if he got to know him over the years, too. If he could fall in harmony and synchronization just the same with him like he did with his members.
“I still miss him.” The words were simple and true and this was the first time he spoke them.
The silent ‘I know’, that Yunho signalized him with the pressing of his hands almost made him cry, after all these years. But he had become hard over time, hard to these feelings that sometimes haunted him in his dreams and nightmares.
“Sometimes I ask myself ‘what if?’.” Jaejoong looked up and smiled, broken and the feelings he hid inside where showing openly on his face this time.
“I know I shouldn’t, but… what if?” He bit his lip and suddenly realized he couldn’t cry anymore. It had been years and maybe all the tears dried inside without being cried, maybe it was okay like this.
Yunho only smiled and continued to hold his hands. They still went to Jaejoong with questions about anything and everything and he was strong, for all of them. Only when he looked like this, when the time came and his feelings they all knew about came to the surface, then they stood still around him, like a wall protecting and shielding him from the outside. They made sure he could be weak in these moments and blocked off everyone and everything until he had his mask back.
They weren’t strangers anymore. But there was still a presence among them that felt like a stranger. Even after all these years because they never really got to know him, but at the same time they couldn’t forget just like that.
They always had been five and they won’t be perfect with four, ever.