(no subject)
you never know what you have until it's gone. God Chrissy i miss you so much. everyone tells me that it takes time, and nothing will make this easier. and they are right... because nothing makes it easier... .everything seems to make it harder. i keep coming across little things. things like letters she wrote to me, movies or songs i know she loved, an outfit i know she would have bought right away... anything and everything... even if it has nothing to do with her, it still seems to remind me of her. please somebody tell me how to make this go away. make it so that it never happened. we had her second funeral here in sterling today... just leave it to chrissy to get two funerals instead of one like everyone else... you know she is happy about it, one last chance to be different, thats her. the difference this time was that after the funeral we actually went out to the cemetary. i never thought in my entire life, i would ever see them bury my sister. i will never see her again. i will never hug her, hear her tell me how much she loves me and misses me, i will never hear her tell me how excited she is, angry, sad, happy, confused, or whatever... i will never hear her tell me that again. i love her so much. people keep telling me that chrissy would talk about me all the time, and that she really loved me... and that she couldnt wait for me to get back to canada and move in with her.
i should have told her more that i love her... i should have talked about her more, the way she talked about me, i should have called her everyday, to tell her i miss her. ill never have the chance to do that now. i know she knows i love her, but i never told her how much i love her. i look up to chrissy more then anyone else in the world aside from my dad. chrissy was everything to me. we would talk about anything and laugh for hours over the dumbest things. i was supposed to move in with her, she was supposed to teach me how to live on my own... who is going to teach me now. who is going to talk to me about life, and boys, and everything... what do i do now? i am so lost without my big sister. nobody is there to look out for me now when i go off on my own. nobody is there to come here and visit me every summer. she is gone. and with her being gone, 90% of me is gone too. im happy that we were finally able to lay her to rest though. i just wish it never happened. i love her so much.
i should have told her more that i love her... i should have talked about her more, the way she talked about me, i should have called her everyday, to tell her i miss her. ill never have the chance to do that now. i know she knows i love her, but i never told her how much i love her. i look up to chrissy more then anyone else in the world aside from my dad. chrissy was everything to me. we would talk about anything and laugh for hours over the dumbest things. i was supposed to move in with her, she was supposed to teach me how to live on my own... who is going to teach me now. who is going to talk to me about life, and boys, and everything... what do i do now? i am so lost without my big sister. nobody is there to look out for me now when i go off on my own. nobody is there to come here and visit me every summer. she is gone. and with her being gone, 90% of me is gone too. im happy that we were finally able to lay her to rest though. i just wish it never happened. i love her so much.