Am I getting better. Or worse?
I always tend to shrug upon little criticisms toward me. "Mike you are too anti-social." "Mike you are spending too much time at home at night." "Mike I haven't seen you in forever, where have you been?" I always look past it, I am under an impure perception that I am not that far away... What do you mean? I'm here, I'm always here, I'm just hanging out with myself and other people lately...But who are those other people? Now that I think of it, I haven't spent a night with someone in a long time. Even in the last entry I said in my own words how I haven't communicated with one peer over the course of a week. Now how can I be proud of that? I have detached from many old friends, and I am too reluctant to pursue deeper friendships with the new people around me. Why do I put myself in this position?
I guess I didn't truly want it to be this way, I mean I really used to be one with the "in crowd." It was just a year ago; but tonight on a Friday night, I have no clue what any of them are doing at the moment. I have no idea how they have been lately, what they have done lately, I haven't even spoken with them.
Maybe that is why I'm reluctant to deepen my friendships with my newer friends. They are all so unique and filled with personality. Doug, Alex, AJ, John, Alan, Megan, Brittany, Amie, Brogan...You all are such great people, filled with individualism, happiness, comfort. But yet, I'm afraid to reach out for that comfort. Instead I entomb myself in trepidation and uneasiness. I stay sheltered in my house with closed doors away from it all.
I think it is the hurt from past friendships that keeps me staying away from new ones. Sooner or later we will all be departing from High School into unknowns, Am I going to lose all of these people just like my old friends?
Nights like tonight make me so uncomfortable with myself. There are two opposite poles, one with hurt, pain, and superficial connections. The other with love, compassion, and friendship. But I am stuck in the middle in my own world...
So when people congratulate me on making so much progress, for being an inspiration and a light, now I have to wonder, am I really getting better? or just getting worse? It really does get cloudy inside sometimes.
But in my heart I know I can make it, I won't quit and I have to force myself to let go of the past. I need to dive into new and great friendships, and still hold close old friends near me.
So now I apologize if I haven't been there, if it seems like I haven't talked to you in forever (whatsleft2lose), and if we haven't spent time together in a long while.
I'm sorry.
I guess I didn't truly want it to be this way, I mean I really used to be one with the "in crowd." It was just a year ago; but tonight on a Friday night, I have no clue what any of them are doing at the moment. I have no idea how they have been lately, what they have done lately, I haven't even spoken with them.
Maybe that is why I'm reluctant to deepen my friendships with my newer friends. They are all so unique and filled with personality. Doug, Alex, AJ, John, Alan, Megan, Brittany, Amie, Brogan...You all are such great people, filled with individualism, happiness, comfort. But yet, I'm afraid to reach out for that comfort. Instead I entomb myself in trepidation and uneasiness. I stay sheltered in my house with closed doors away from it all.
I think it is the hurt from past friendships that keeps me staying away from new ones. Sooner or later we will all be departing from High School into unknowns, Am I going to lose all of these people just like my old friends?
Nights like tonight make me so uncomfortable with myself. There are two opposite poles, one with hurt, pain, and superficial connections. The other with love, compassion, and friendship. But I am stuck in the middle in my own world...
So when people congratulate me on making so much progress, for being an inspiration and a light, now I have to wonder, am I really getting better? or just getting worse? It really does get cloudy inside sometimes.
But in my heart I know I can make it, I won't quit and I have to force myself to let go of the past. I need to dive into new and great friendships, and still hold close old friends near me.
So now I apologize if I haven't been there, if it seems like I haven't talked to you in forever (whatsleft2lose), and if we haven't spent time together in a long while.
I'm sorry.