(no subject)
I need someone, anyone to read this, just so I can feel less fucking alone.
I met this guy. He was amazing. I have very, very high standards, and he actually met them all. He was wildly intelligent, extremely well read, introspective and curious and we understood the world and our existence on the same level. We just instantly connected, and even on the first day we met in person, we talked for 6 hours straight. Then the next day for 5 hours (with a little making out that time.) He lives about an hour away, so we agreed to see each other this last Mon / Tues when he was off work. We texted every day during the week, and he continued to be really incredible. Then I went up there, and I fucked everything up by fucking him. I mean, I guess if I wanted to be taken seriously, I shouldn't have given it up so easily, but I hate the idea that women can use sex as a tool to get a relationship out of a guy, or that men use a relationship to get sex out of a girl. I just wanted to do what I wanted to do regardless of how easy or not easy it made me, because I know in my heart that I wouldn't sleep with anyone unless there were some feelings behind it, and hey, I really liked the guy. But of course, at the end of the day, I want a relationship, maybe not immediately, but that's where my mind would have put us in the future if we kept seeing each other. I know I'm very naive about these things because I've only slept with one other person and we had been dating for a year and a half at that point. Judging by his response to me though, I'm pretty sure that didn't come across as obvious (just sayin'). And I know this is naive too, but it actually felt real, I mean he was so gentle and sweet and made eye contact and just whatever....apparently it wasn't. We had a good rest of the night and next day I guess, but it just didn't feel the same. When I left, it was just with a vague, "I'll probably be in your area in a few weeks". And then I really fucked it up by texting him later saying I ideally wanted a relationship and just wanted to put that out there. His response was that he was hesitant to enter into a relationship, and wanted to just spend more time together and see where we end up. Ok. fine. Texted him the next day just to ask how his day was. No response, Haven't heard from him since. And now I feel just absolutely awful. Of all the things I've been through in my life, being rejected by a guy is certainly not the worst, but it's a feeling I have NEVER gotten used to, and have never developed any tools to make hurt less. I am an absolute wreck. I KNOW it's stupid to be, but I am. I really, really fucking liked this guy. A lot. Like, I've never connected that well emotionally / mentally / physically with a person before. And I wanted it to work so badly, and I wanted to EVENTUALLY be in a relationship with this person. But I guess throwing that word out there wasn't a good idea. Or maybe sleeping with him wasn't a good idea. MAYBE THEY WERE BOTH HORRIBLE, AWFUL, TERRIBLE IDEAS. I don't feel guilty for sleeping with him because that's a decision I made, and wanted to make, but I feel like the emotional repercussions are not worth it. Doing something like that is a big deal for me, and NOT something I would have done with just anyone, so to feel like I'm probably just seen another slut is really disheartening, especially when I really would have liked him to have a high opinion of me. This just sucks so much because at first he was the one telling me how much he liked me / how smart I was / how much he enjoyed my company, but as soon as I say something, everything falls apart. I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I am beyond depressed and sad, and I keep checking my phone like he hasn't already deleted my number out of it and moved the fuck on. This just really hurts, much more than it should I suppose, but it does. And my response has been to b/p nearly non-stop since I got home from his place Tuesday night. But bulimia isn't even working anymore, and even as I'm eating and puking, the feelings are still there, and that always kills the feelings at least for a little bit. Sleeping doesn't work because I have nightmares, cutting doesn't work because I can feel through it all, NOTHING works, and I'm miserable, and I can't TELL any of this to anyone because they will judge me, and I don't need judgement, I just want someone to listen and maybe call him as major dick / asshole / twat / INSERT OTHER INSULTING NAMES HERE.
And I'd really like a real hug, but virtual ones are also accepted.
I met this guy. He was amazing. I have very, very high standards, and he actually met them all. He was wildly intelligent, extremely well read, introspective and curious and we understood the world and our existence on the same level. We just instantly connected, and even on the first day we met in person, we talked for 6 hours straight. Then the next day for 5 hours (with a little making out that time.) He lives about an hour away, so we agreed to see each other this last Mon / Tues when he was off work. We texted every day during the week, and he continued to be really incredible. Then I went up there, and I fucked everything up by fucking him. I mean, I guess if I wanted to be taken seriously, I shouldn't have given it up so easily, but I hate the idea that women can use sex as a tool to get a relationship out of a guy, or that men use a relationship to get sex out of a girl. I just wanted to do what I wanted to do regardless of how easy or not easy it made me, because I know in my heart that I wouldn't sleep with anyone unless there were some feelings behind it, and hey, I really liked the guy. But of course, at the end of the day, I want a relationship, maybe not immediately, but that's where my mind would have put us in the future if we kept seeing each other. I know I'm very naive about these things because I've only slept with one other person and we had been dating for a year and a half at that point. Judging by his response to me though, I'm pretty sure that didn't come across as obvious (just sayin'). And I know this is naive too, but it actually felt real, I mean he was so gentle and sweet and made eye contact and just whatever....apparently it wasn't. We had a good rest of the night and next day I guess, but it just didn't feel the same. When I left, it was just with a vague, "I'll probably be in your area in a few weeks". And then I really fucked it up by texting him later saying I ideally wanted a relationship and just wanted to put that out there. His response was that he was hesitant to enter into a relationship, and wanted to just spend more time together and see where we end up. Ok. fine. Texted him the next day just to ask how his day was. No response, Haven't heard from him since. And now I feel just absolutely awful. Of all the things I've been through in my life, being rejected by a guy is certainly not the worst, but it's a feeling I have NEVER gotten used to, and have never developed any tools to make hurt less. I am an absolute wreck. I KNOW it's stupid to be, but I am. I really, really fucking liked this guy. A lot. Like, I've never connected that well emotionally / mentally / physically with a person before. And I wanted it to work so badly, and I wanted to EVENTUALLY be in a relationship with this person. But I guess throwing that word out there wasn't a good idea. Or maybe sleeping with him wasn't a good idea. MAYBE THEY WERE BOTH HORRIBLE, AWFUL, TERRIBLE IDEAS. I don't feel guilty for sleeping with him because that's a decision I made, and wanted to make, but I feel like the emotional repercussions are not worth it. Doing something like that is a big deal for me, and NOT something I would have done with just anyone, so to feel like I'm probably just seen another slut is really disheartening, especially when I really would have liked him to have a high opinion of me. This just sucks so much because at first he was the one telling me how much he liked me / how smart I was / how much he enjoyed my company, but as soon as I say something, everything falls apart. I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I am beyond depressed and sad, and I keep checking my phone like he hasn't already deleted my number out of it and moved the fuck on. This just really hurts, much more than it should I suppose, but it does. And my response has been to b/p nearly non-stop since I got home from his place Tuesday night. But bulimia isn't even working anymore, and even as I'm eating and puking, the feelings are still there, and that always kills the feelings at least for a little bit. Sleeping doesn't work because I have nightmares, cutting doesn't work because I can feel through it all, NOTHING works, and I'm miserable, and I can't TELL any of this to anyone because they will judge me, and I don't need judgement, I just want someone to listen and maybe call him as major dick / asshole / twat / INSERT OTHER INSULTING NAMES HERE.
And I'd really like a real hug, but virtual ones are also accepted.