(no subject)
Posted this on my tumblr, but things I want to save get archived on my lj too, so...that was for any one who actually reads both.
I know that feelings cannot kill you, but in the moment, it doesn’t change the fact that you do feel like you’re dying. Everything just hurts so incredibly badly, even to the extent that my whole body feels fragile and like it will shatter. I don’t even want to cut because I know it’s actually going to hurt. I can’t get my head in this moment, in this day, hell I can’t even get my head in this decade. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot fully believe that I am truly where all my senses tell me I am. I am looking at the sky outside, at the way the clouds and barely broken by the sun, and realistically, I know those clouds are a part of today, they exist in this moment, but I don’t really believe that. I look at them and everything within me tells me they are part of the past and I must go back to those places that they are a part of. But the fact that I am physically still here in my bed, surrounded by the things that are part of now, and this moment is sending my whole being into this terrible state of dissonance. I literally feel like I am two places at once, and that fact, compounded with the fact that I am being forced into memories I don’t want to have anything to do with right now is causing me unacceptable anxiety. Writing this doesn’t help me at all. It’s not helping my cognitive state, it’s not helping me accept reality, it’s not calming me down, it’s just words on a screen that just describe something that means nothing because it’s not real. What I am experiencing right now is not reality, but I AM EXPERIENCING it, so what the fuck is it then? If something is experienced, how can it not be real? And how can I be aware that something is not real and yet still experience it? If I could just answer those questions maybe I could calm down. I want to show this to my psychiatrist and see if it makes any sense to her, or if she can help me, but I have a feeling that outside of my own madness, this does not make any sense whatsoever. And God, that makes me feel lonely.
I know that feelings cannot kill you, but in the moment, it doesn’t change the fact that you do feel like you’re dying. Everything just hurts so incredibly badly, even to the extent that my whole body feels fragile and like it will shatter. I don’t even want to cut because I know it’s actually going to hurt. I can’t get my head in this moment, in this day, hell I can’t even get my head in this decade. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot fully believe that I am truly where all my senses tell me I am. I am looking at the sky outside, at the way the clouds and barely broken by the sun, and realistically, I know those clouds are a part of today, they exist in this moment, but I don’t really believe that. I look at them and everything within me tells me they are part of the past and I must go back to those places that they are a part of. But the fact that I am physically still here in my bed, surrounded by the things that are part of now, and this moment is sending my whole being into this terrible state of dissonance. I literally feel like I am two places at once, and that fact, compounded with the fact that I am being forced into memories I don’t want to have anything to do with right now is causing me unacceptable anxiety. Writing this doesn’t help me at all. It’s not helping my cognitive state, it’s not helping me accept reality, it’s not calming me down, it’s just words on a screen that just describe something that means nothing because it’s not real. What I am experiencing right now is not reality, but I AM EXPERIENCING it, so what the fuck is it then? If something is experienced, how can it not be real? And how can I be aware that something is not real and yet still experience it? If I could just answer those questions maybe I could calm down. I want to show this to my psychiatrist and see if it makes any sense to her, or if she can help me, but I have a feeling that outside of my own madness, this does not make any sense whatsoever. And God, that makes me feel lonely.