(no subject)
I left my apartment for the first time in a week for a reason other than going to the grocery store to buy binge food. It wasn't exactly a good day, but I suppose it felt good to be out in the world. I do such a great job of faking being well. The only reason I even went to school today was that I had a participant in the lab, so I had to be there. I guess being this dysfunctional and depressed at least shows me what is really important to me. I mean, I have various other "responsibilities" that I just blow off or disregard, but I always make sure to attend to my responsibilities in the lab. About a week and a half ago, I decided not to swallow two bottles of pills because if I lived I'd be in the hospital and not able to go in. So I suppose that this qualifies as something I really care about. But anyway, I surprise myself at how I can pull myself together and act like a responsible, well adapted person who knows what they're doing. Usually my participants ask me how I got to be a research assistant and they assume I must be a good, motivated student and for a moment it feels good to have someone think I am competent. But then I lock up for the day and get on the bus and go back to my shit life where I don't care about anything and don't do anything. I came home and b/ped for a few hours, and then fell into a coma like sleep. I didn't even hear my room mate come home. Then I continued b/ping and now I am sitting here wishing all the people my room mate has over would just leave. They're having worship practice and are being so loud and I look ugly and I just want to eat my grapes and go to sleep, but I hate people seeing me eat. Oh, there was actually a good part of my day. One of my professors from a few years ago asked me if and when I was applying to graduate school because he'd like to write a letter of recommendation for me! That was pretty exciting. I've been getting nervous about having to ask people for letters, but there's one person. And since he offered, I know it will be good. When I was in his class he used to send me e-mails saying that my work was impressive. I saved them because they made me so happy. So that was a confidence booster I guess.