(no subject)
There must be a reason I'm not dead yet. Because I've done everything in my power short of actually attempting suicide to indirectly kill myself. And I am one bloody resilient person apparently. So I am left with the conclusion that God has some majestic purpose for me if I can pull my head out of the toilet long enough to find out what it is.
Justin called me on Thursday night and ever since then I've been angry as can be at him, but of course I didn't say any of that, I told myself he was just trying to be understanding, then called my mom and went off for a good long time about how angry I am with him. I even told her I was going to break up with him, though I know I won't. She told me to strongly consider that statement too. I'm still considering it. Part of me wonders how long he really will tolerate my meltdowns and fits of hysteria. Thursday was the last straw for him I guess. I think it was because I told him I just don't care. About anything whatsoever. And he's used to me getting worked into a frenzy over all sorts of things because I care too much. I'm the strong one in this relationship, I'm the one who he just expects will go far, will become a doctor, will make everything work. I think just like he expects everything in his life to be handed to him on a gleaming silver platter, he expects me to be able to hand myself everything on my own silver platter. Well that's hard. I've gotten as far as I have only because I've spent years running as fast as I could from my past. And I'm just realizing that it's still there. No matter how accomplished and amazing I become, my past is my past and I can't outrun it. Amazing or not. So at this point, I've chosen not to be amazing with the hopes that maybe I'll die sometime in the near future and everyone will say "Oh what potential she had" and never have to know that I actually suck at most things. I'm really tired of everyone expecting me to do everything so perfectly because I always have. I'm so tired of people thinking I have my act together. Sure, yeah, I used to, but I was in a lot of denial too. Now everything hurts unless I b/p it away. Gosh, I just wish Justin understood. I wish I could see him right now, talk to him face to face, let him see me cry. I wish he got how serious this is. I wish he got that I am literally slowly killing myself. I know that's scary for him. I know my illness is very scary for him, but I need him to pull his head out of the sand right now. I need him so badly, and yet I am pushing him away. I want to see his face. I miss him so much. I was always the girl that never needed anyone. Well I do now. I need him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him and he with me, but I want to be someone worthy of that. I want him to spend the rest of his life with a girl who will spend more time with him than in the bathroom. But if he doesn't even start to understand, I don't know where we're going. I don't feel like I can ever become a good girlfriend or wife without the help of my boyfriend or husband. I can reaaaaalllly feel my sleeping meds taking full effect and this probably went from making sense to sounding like someone on an acid trip wrote it. Took a double dose of Ambien, some melatonin and some Benadryl. Fun stuff kids.
Justin called me on Thursday night and ever since then I've been angry as can be at him, but of course I didn't say any of that, I told myself he was just trying to be understanding, then called my mom and went off for a good long time about how angry I am with him. I even told her I was going to break up with him, though I know I won't. She told me to strongly consider that statement too. I'm still considering it. Part of me wonders how long he really will tolerate my meltdowns and fits of hysteria. Thursday was the last straw for him I guess. I think it was because I told him I just don't care. About anything whatsoever. And he's used to me getting worked into a frenzy over all sorts of things because I care too much. I'm the strong one in this relationship, I'm the one who he just expects will go far, will become a doctor, will make everything work. I think just like he expects everything in his life to be handed to him on a gleaming silver platter, he expects me to be able to hand myself everything on my own silver platter. Well that's hard. I've gotten as far as I have only because I've spent years running as fast as I could from my past. And I'm just realizing that it's still there. No matter how accomplished and amazing I become, my past is my past and I can't outrun it. Amazing or not. So at this point, I've chosen not to be amazing with the hopes that maybe I'll die sometime in the near future and everyone will say "Oh what potential she had" and never have to know that I actually suck at most things. I'm really tired of everyone expecting me to do everything so perfectly because I always have. I'm so tired of people thinking I have my act together. Sure, yeah, I used to, but I was in a lot of denial too. Now everything hurts unless I b/p it away. Gosh, I just wish Justin understood. I wish I could see him right now, talk to him face to face, let him see me cry. I wish he got how serious this is. I wish he got that I am literally slowly killing myself. I know that's scary for him. I know my illness is very scary for him, but I need him to pull his head out of the sand right now. I need him so badly, and yet I am pushing him away. I want to see his face. I miss him so much. I was always the girl that never needed anyone. Well I do now. I need him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him and he with me, but I want to be someone worthy of that. I want him to spend the rest of his life with a girl who will spend more time with him than in the bathroom. But if he doesn't even start to understand, I don't know where we're going. I don't feel like I can ever become a good girlfriend or wife without the help of my boyfriend or husband. I can reaaaaalllly feel my sleeping meds taking full effect and this probably went from making sense to sounding like someone on an acid trip wrote it. Took a double dose of Ambien, some melatonin and some Benadryl. Fun stuff kids.