is there hope for the helpless..........
i dont know why but today i felt happy for a little while im not sure why it caught me by such surprise i didnt know what to do so i called leah and told her i was happy and she seemed more surprised than me it feels good to be happy even if it isnt for that long
i felt good i felt.... happy..... for the first time in a long time with out having leah in my arms but it was a different kind of happy i dont know how to explain it i dont really remember how it felt but i remember that i liked it
im sure that every one i know knows that i have heart problems i dont know why but tonight it hurt so much more than usual and lasted so much longer it usually only lasts for a few minutes but tonight it lasted for almost four hours and the pain was so extreme i almost asked deirdre to take me to the hospital i was sweating and my heart beat was even more abnormal than usual and my heart beat was very faint and then turned rapid and violent and i started to mildly have spasms adn my back would arch evey now and then
when i had gone to the cartiologist a few weeks ago he said nothing was wrong and i believed him but now im not so sure he knows as much as he liked to front about my heart has never hurt that much or caused me to worry as much
i told leah i wouldnt die while i was with her and im starting to worry that my heart is going to be the reason for this lie
go figure i finally found a reason to live and i get fucked over
but i she is my reason for living the why do i want to die so bad maybe she is the reason that i havent done it yet maybe she is the reason im not dead.....she is the reason
i wouldnt be sticking around here if it wernt for her she is the only reason i stay i love all my friends but i wouldnt put my self throught the pain of life and memory for them i couldnt but then i met leah and i had a person to live for
i dont know what to do should i take my own life or let my heart take it once more
how can a broken heart do any more damage than it already has it started to kill me and now is going to finish me off
to all my "friends" who are reading this no i am not going to die bc of my heart that i know of i havent been told that it is fatal but i guess it could get worse or turn fatal but as of now there is no reason for you to be like omfg hes gunna die or yay hes gunna die so dont get you hopes up kids
~sigh~
im listnening to my song again
leah and i have a song
its echo by trapt
we didnt have a song but we chose that to be our song bc we felt weird not having one i dont know if we will still like that kind of music when we get married and im not sure we'd want it played at the wedding if we make it that far
tonight i have dropped a few rules for leah in hopes that she would think i love her and care about her happiness but i dont know if it really means that much to her but i will keep trying until i see a real smile on her face and if it turns out that she cant be happy with me then i will leave so that i wont be standing in the way of her happiness and so that she can be with some one she deserves being that every one thinks im such an awefull person and you like to think that i dont know this already i know im a terrible person and i should leave leah so she can be happy and i know you all dont like me most of you like me because you are leahs friend or you pertend to be atleast but i dont know why you waste your time tring to be mine
i gave up all my friends so that could focus on leah and let her have her friends so that she wouldnt loose hers but then i started hurting for company while im alone and i would switch friends every few weeks and i think i found some good friends id like to keep i found deirdre and murph i found a little piece of my self too...
and with leah i found a little piece of my heart and soul
i will be tied to her for the rest of my life even if i didnt want to kill my self i would if we ever broke up because i cant live with out that girl i have given her my heart i have given her my soul i have given her my every thing my self my life
i know many of you dont think that im good to leah but fuck you bc you have no idea you really dont im not sorry i offended you but you act as if i dont know you talk about me when im not there and you pretend to be my friend when im infront of you bc your afraid of me getting mad and flipping out i think that you could atleast have the courtacy of telling me the truth about what you think of me so if you read this i would appriciate it if you would tell me the truth of what you really think of me i will not get mad and i will not bring it up with you i just want your honest oppinion and it will not change how i feel about you
im so tired of hurting im so tired of rocking back and fourth in my courer and crying and staring at a box of razors debating if i should do it right now and not worry about my future not worry about life any more not worry about my past or my hurt any more
i wish i knew what to do
i have thought about admitting myself to holly hill for a period of time to see if i can get some help to see if they can change how i feel about taking my life i think it would be good for me but i dont want to miss a second of leah
i hate not being with her always i hate it every time her heart beats and im nbot there to hear it i hate it that im not there for every single breath she take every tear she sheds to catch every hair that falls to hold her hand every time she needs me to be side her in the pain she holds to be there when she gets lonely bored or sad or just needs a hug if i had a car and she just wanted me to get the remote for her i would drive up there for her i would do anything for her but i cant i try to do as much for her as i can i try so hard
if i could spend one minute for every tear ive cried i would be with her for the rest of eturnity
i hate not seeing her as much as possible when i get my own place i just want to sit there and look at her for as long as she lets me i dont want to miss a second of her i dont want to be away from her any longer but i have no choice there is nothing i can do i could move out right now and get my own place but i wouldnt let her come with me because i want her to get her education and do something with her life i wouldnt want her to leave her family for me i wouldnt want her to leave her friends i wouldnt want her to leave the only place where she is happy
i think i am going to talk to my mom about having me admitted to holly hill for a little while i dont like to see leah worry about me i really dont but i dont want to tell her i want to live when i dont i dont know what to do i souldnt cry as much as i do i shouldnt hurt as much as i do i shouldnt want to leave as bad as i do
but i worry about what my mom will think i worry about what leah will do if i dont see her for longer than a week i dont know if she would be there for me when i got back i just dont know and i dont want all my readers to tell me yea dev she be there
i just want to be happy i just want to want to live i want to feel alive
i dont want my mom to have to pay for my treatment what do i do should i risk killing my self or risk loosing leah and kill myself anyway
why cant i breath at night
why cant i lead a normal life why cant i be with leah always
i do appriciate all the people who either pretend to be my friends or atleast dont bitch at me constantly leah colleen lisa hailey lauren collin kyle john
i try so hard not to let my pain show when im around people i try so hard by why am i trying to hide something that no one cares about whats the point i alwasy want to just sit down and cry no matter what i am doing i just want to sit down and cry
i hate what i have done to leah i hate what ive done to her i have killed her and i want to die to make it up to her
i wish some one could tell me what to do and dont say killing your self isnt the answer because let me put it to you this way can you come up with anything better?
i stay up every night untill 3 or 4 am just sitting in my corner or my closet behing the door looking at leahs picture and crying from the time i get home that isnt living that isnt life how would being dead be any different i dont like to cry people say it feels good to cry well your probibly right id does feel good to cry every now and then but now always not constantly i to the point where you have to completely avoid your family because you dont want them to see you cry
every time leah is in my arms i have to use every ounce of my stregnth to not break down and fall to my knees and cry infront of her i dont want her to see me like i am i dont want to see her worry about me crying i dont want her to worry she did something wrong or that it is her but it partially is
i just dont know what to do i fear my end is near
i guess you all see it too because one of you cal the police or a suicide helpline about me and they called my cell phone two days ago trying to talk to me about my life and my shit and leah when the dont know a god damn thing about it so who every that was id very much appriciate it if youd have the gaw and respect for me to come forward and tell me bc i would really like to know
i dont like it when the raleigh police department calls me because its never a good sign
when will i be happy
did you know i cry every time i make an entry did you know i cry every time i think about you angel did you know i cry for you did you know i live for you did you know that i love you did you know that you make me happy when im with you and that is the only happiness i have in life is in you
leah i love you so much i dont know what to do any more huny please tell me what to do please help me please tell me what to do
i love you so much god i dont want to leave you but i dont want to be alive any more what do i do leah please tell me please help me please be here for me show me you love and show me you care because the few times you do that it helps
i love you so much leah
i love you so much
please know this
i love you leah
my heart beats for you leah
i love you so much leah
i love you so much
i felt good i felt.... happy..... for the first time in a long time with out having leah in my arms but it was a different kind of happy i dont know how to explain it i dont really remember how it felt but i remember that i liked it
im sure that every one i know knows that i have heart problems i dont know why but tonight it hurt so much more than usual and lasted so much longer it usually only lasts for a few minutes but tonight it lasted for almost four hours and the pain was so extreme i almost asked deirdre to take me to the hospital i was sweating and my heart beat was even more abnormal than usual and my heart beat was very faint and then turned rapid and violent and i started to mildly have spasms adn my back would arch evey now and then
when i had gone to the cartiologist a few weeks ago he said nothing was wrong and i believed him but now im not so sure he knows as much as he liked to front about my heart has never hurt that much or caused me to worry as much
i told leah i wouldnt die while i was with her and im starting to worry that my heart is going to be the reason for this lie
go figure i finally found a reason to live and i get fucked over
but i she is my reason for living the why do i want to die so bad maybe she is the reason that i havent done it yet maybe she is the reason im not dead.....she is the reason
i wouldnt be sticking around here if it wernt for her she is the only reason i stay i love all my friends but i wouldnt put my self throught the pain of life and memory for them i couldnt but then i met leah and i had a person to live for
i dont know what to do should i take my own life or let my heart take it once more
how can a broken heart do any more damage than it already has it started to kill me and now is going to finish me off
to all my "friends" who are reading this no i am not going to die bc of my heart that i know of i havent been told that it is fatal but i guess it could get worse or turn fatal but as of now there is no reason for you to be like omfg hes gunna die or yay hes gunna die so dont get you hopes up kids
~sigh~
im listnening to my song again
leah and i have a song
its echo by trapt
we didnt have a song but we chose that to be our song bc we felt weird not having one i dont know if we will still like that kind of music when we get married and im not sure we'd want it played at the wedding if we make it that far
tonight i have dropped a few rules for leah in hopes that she would think i love her and care about her happiness but i dont know if it really means that much to her but i will keep trying until i see a real smile on her face and if it turns out that she cant be happy with me then i will leave so that i wont be standing in the way of her happiness and so that she can be with some one she deserves being that every one thinks im such an awefull person and you like to think that i dont know this already i know im a terrible person and i should leave leah so she can be happy and i know you all dont like me most of you like me because you are leahs friend or you pertend to be atleast but i dont know why you waste your time tring to be mine
i gave up all my friends so that could focus on leah and let her have her friends so that she wouldnt loose hers but then i started hurting for company while im alone and i would switch friends every few weeks and i think i found some good friends id like to keep i found deirdre and murph i found a little piece of my self too...
and with leah i found a little piece of my heart and soul
i will be tied to her for the rest of my life even if i didnt want to kill my self i would if we ever broke up because i cant live with out that girl i have given her my heart i have given her my soul i have given her my every thing my self my life
i know many of you dont think that im good to leah but fuck you bc you have no idea you really dont im not sorry i offended you but you act as if i dont know you talk about me when im not there and you pretend to be my friend when im infront of you bc your afraid of me getting mad and flipping out i think that you could atleast have the courtacy of telling me the truth about what you think of me so if you read this i would appriciate it if you would tell me the truth of what you really think of me i will not get mad and i will not bring it up with you i just want your honest oppinion and it will not change how i feel about you
im so tired of hurting im so tired of rocking back and fourth in my courer and crying and staring at a box of razors debating if i should do it right now and not worry about my future not worry about life any more not worry about my past or my hurt any more
i wish i knew what to do
i have thought about admitting myself to holly hill for a period of time to see if i can get some help to see if they can change how i feel about taking my life i think it would be good for me but i dont want to miss a second of leah
i hate not being with her always i hate it every time her heart beats and im nbot there to hear it i hate it that im not there for every single breath she take every tear she sheds to catch every hair that falls to hold her hand every time she needs me to be side her in the pain she holds to be there when she gets lonely bored or sad or just needs a hug if i had a car and she just wanted me to get the remote for her i would drive up there for her i would do anything for her but i cant i try to do as much for her as i can i try so hard
if i could spend one minute for every tear ive cried i would be with her for the rest of eturnity
i hate not seeing her as much as possible when i get my own place i just want to sit there and look at her for as long as she lets me i dont want to miss a second of her i dont want to be away from her any longer but i have no choice there is nothing i can do i could move out right now and get my own place but i wouldnt let her come with me because i want her to get her education and do something with her life i wouldnt want her to leave her family for me i wouldnt want her to leave her friends i wouldnt want her to leave the only place where she is happy
i think i am going to talk to my mom about having me admitted to holly hill for a little while i dont like to see leah worry about me i really dont but i dont want to tell her i want to live when i dont i dont know what to do i souldnt cry as much as i do i shouldnt hurt as much as i do i shouldnt want to leave as bad as i do
but i worry about what my mom will think i worry about what leah will do if i dont see her for longer than a week i dont know if she would be there for me when i got back i just dont know and i dont want all my readers to tell me yea dev she be there
i just want to be happy i just want to want to live i want to feel alive
i dont want my mom to have to pay for my treatment what do i do should i risk killing my self or risk loosing leah and kill myself anyway
why cant i breath at night
why cant i lead a normal life why cant i be with leah always
i do appriciate all the people who either pretend to be my friends or atleast dont bitch at me constantly leah colleen lisa hailey lauren collin kyle john
i try so hard not to let my pain show when im around people i try so hard by why am i trying to hide something that no one cares about whats the point i alwasy want to just sit down and cry no matter what i am doing i just want to sit down and cry
i hate what i have done to leah i hate what ive done to her i have killed her and i want to die to make it up to her
i wish some one could tell me what to do and dont say killing your self isnt the answer because let me put it to you this way can you come up with anything better?
i stay up every night untill 3 or 4 am just sitting in my corner or my closet behing the door looking at leahs picture and crying from the time i get home that isnt living that isnt life how would being dead be any different i dont like to cry people say it feels good to cry well your probibly right id does feel good to cry every now and then but now always not constantly i to the point where you have to completely avoid your family because you dont want them to see you cry
every time leah is in my arms i have to use every ounce of my stregnth to not break down and fall to my knees and cry infront of her i dont want her to see me like i am i dont want to see her worry about me crying i dont want her to worry she did something wrong or that it is her but it partially is
i just dont know what to do i fear my end is near
i guess you all see it too because one of you cal the police or a suicide helpline about me and they called my cell phone two days ago trying to talk to me about my life and my shit and leah when the dont know a god damn thing about it so who every that was id very much appriciate it if youd have the gaw and respect for me to come forward and tell me bc i would really like to know
i dont like it when the raleigh police department calls me because its never a good sign
when will i be happy
did you know i cry every time i make an entry did you know i cry every time i think about you angel did you know i cry for you did you know i live for you did you know that i love you did you know that you make me happy when im with you and that is the only happiness i have in life is in you
leah i love you so much i dont know what to do any more huny please tell me what to do please help me please tell me what to do
i love you so much god i dont want to leave you but i dont want to be alive any more what do i do leah please tell me please help me please be here for me show me you love and show me you care because the few times you do that it helps
i love you so much leah
i love you so much
please know this
i love you leah
my heart beats for you leah
i love you so much leah
i love you so much