:major updat:

[cry4suicide]

can't play soccer....yet!! i have to get a stupid ass echo cardiogram or some crap like that. they're gonna test me for m.v.p. and some other crap so i have to go to the hospital soon.

Victoria denkt, daß ich mit ihrem oben brechen möchte, oder etwas wie, das das Leute, wie amanda ihr es erklären, nicht, wie wir datieren und schauen was nicht ich denke, sie mich aus ihrem Leben heraus wünscht. ich sprach mit Lizzy und Danielle für immer gestern Abend. ich denke nicht, daß Danielle mich zwar mag. Wir sprachen heraus zwar über hängen. Danielle wünscht mich herausfinden, wo das Fußball-Freiheit Turnier der Frauen ist und wenn es Ende ist, sie ich möchte auch gehen geht, aber sein nur für Mädchen Varsitymannschaft aber -mich gesagtes Sarah denken Sie, daß Juniorvarsitymädchen auch gehen konnten, die ehrfürchtig sein würden. ich habe nicht sogar die Mannschaft gebildet, dennoch also... möglicherweise kann ich Manager sein, der kennt. OH- Brunnen. ich schätze, daß ich jetzt Auf Wiedersehen gehe.

Victoria thinks i want to break up with her. or something like that. people like amanda are telling her it doesn't look like we're dating and what not. i think she wants me out of her life. i talked to Lizzy and Danielle forever last night. i don't think Danielle likes me though. We were talking about hanging out though. Danielle wants me to find out where the Women's Soccer Freedom Tournament is. and if it's close she'll go. i wanna go too. but its only for girls Varsity team. but i think Sarah said that Junior Varsity girls could go too. which would be awesome. i haven't even made the team yet so...maybe i can be manager. who knows. oh well. i guess i'll go now. good-bye.

the soccer coach at Foard (my high school) asked me to try out. they've already started their season. so its definatly a compliment. i just hope i can handle it. wish me luck. im gonna try!!

i had another episode the other day. i went on the roof, fell of. and blah blah blah. everyone was ignoring me. and it just sorta kinda sucked. i gave montana the thing that lizzy and danielle told me to tell her/give to her. and wow. we have this writting test today at school for the sophmores. and bleh...so we have 2 hours in first period, and there are about 14 people who aren't taking the test so the room is empty and we get to do...NOTHING. bleh...im leaving. having another bad day.

[./.\.:hitting rock bottom:./.\.]

every thing is so fucked up!!!

• Kai isn't doing well.
• Kim's pregnant, and the baby is due soon.
• paranoia.
• schitzophrenic.
• annoyed.
• rachael's moving this year.
• dad's pissed.
• i don't have feelings.
• i'm gonna be tested for bipolar disorder, which means more drugs.
• Lizzy's got stuff going on.
• Montana was sad.
• i've been clean for over 2 yrs. but i'm not anymore.
• i hate my body
• i hate myself
• i don't like anything about me
• i hate ME
• i don't like my clothes
• i don't like my voice
• i'm fat.
• i'll never be in shape
• very depressed
• very hopless
• i AM nothing
• i have no importance
• Kai is hurting herself
• i can't stop her
• i can't help anyone
• parents unhappy
• pressuring me

fuck this.

Well ... I'm willing to break myself To shake this hell from everything I touch I'm willing to bleed for days my reds and grays So you don't hurt ... so much

-cs-