look right through me, see right through me

[cruxofmydismay]

it still pisses me off so much because i tried to forget all of the shit that happened w/ tim. to my unh buddies: sorry i'm re-posting approximately the same shit here then my special lj. it just makes me so angry still. we broke away from each other for like a month and a half. then it all gets fucked up when tim got drunk and freaked out calling me and telling me how much he loves me and misses me. he told me he was sorry he fucked up and he wished he didnt do it. i wish it never happened. both of us fucking up. but i never saw the point in him lying to me about kendra all along. maybe because he was planning to go to her when we were done and wanted to keep it quiet? then why did they hang out when we were dating...i keep wondering if something happened that day he hung out with her when i was in work. or if he hid from me that he was tlaking to her when i had to work the night shift at dq...so many thoughts run thru my head. he had no reason to lie to me about her. even tho it was like 2 yrs ago he didnt have to lie. i dont know why i even saw him this last week when i was home. there is just something about him that makes me not want to lose him. he always made me happy. but for some reason not when we were together. he cheers me up. and tells me i am worth something and i'm beautiful. but then i remember how he bad mouthed me to anyone he could. including kendra. i love him in a special way. but i'm not in love with him. he makes me feel good. he makes me feel real. then other times he makes me feel like i'm wasting all my time and he's a fucking asshole. he's absolutely wonderful...just when you're not dating him. he's sweet. but when you do date him, he's fucking psychotic. not in a good, funny way. i mean that you're scared of him. but i was just as bad. he got angry and i'd be just as pissed and it wasnt a good thing. i dont know. this thankgiving week made me feel so good. like maybe one day i wanted something with him. we layed around and giggled. we layed nose to nose and just talked. for the first time he just let me cry on him. and he told me i didnt deserve the shit back at unh i was getting. we went to the mall and he was his usual self. so happy. so nice. but i just remember how things were before. and i cant trust him. i hate saying that he is the most beautiful boy i've ever met. but i cant do it now. i dont know if i can do it ever.

i'm going to wander or something. you know where to find me...the cell. 508 498 0897. if you need anything, i dont care who you are, i'm here.