Crack is more than just that thing that jin looks like he snorted back in LA.
From the cluprit(s) behind Bob's Entertainment/The Bobs and The Vic Zhou/Jerry Yan Mating Ritual/Mpreg Post comes another WTF-You-Srsly-Have-No-Life production...
RETHINK YOUR LIFE. NOT ALL JOHNNIES ARE BOYS.
WARNING: When Ali's mind wanders (and she drags along a few friends, along the way), seldom can things turn out coherent and near sane. Turn back now, before it's too late.
Notes: While a good chunk of these "facts" are made up, some of the things stated are, indeed, based on facts and real happenings, all connected and twisted in a way that they fit with the Girls Club universe and timeline (if there are years stated, though, those are with basis xD). Everything was done in pure fun, though. ;D If you take this seriously...er...okay. You're welcome to, but don't say I didn't warn you. LOL Without further ado, I bring you:
ジャニーズ
I. Girls Club TRUFAX
What is the (Johnny's) Girls Club?
Johnny's Entertainment is home to some of Japan's finest male specimen. However, within the Jimusho lurks a hidden, secret, exclusive club; the Girls Club, dedicated to fighting crime and upholding justice providing a safe haven for girls masquerading as boys within Johnny's and protecting their real identities and gender.
When was it formed? Who are they?
The Girls Club was established in 2001 when founding member Matsumoto Jun suspected Imai Tsubasa and Nishikido Ryo of being fellow girls. The Girls Club welcomed its newest member, Tegoshi Yuuya in 2004, upon fellow group member, Nishikido Ryo's, suspicion and suggestion.
What do they do? Regular meetings are held, in which strategies on how to "look manly" and avoid being suspected as girls are discussed. (See list of failed and successful attempts below.)* Other, more fun girly activities are also held.
Aside from the "manly strategy" meetings, as all Girls Club members are excellent cooks (with the exception of baby Tegoshi), regular cooking sessions are held, in which the girls bring in new recipes and try them out. On the boyfriends (See Boyfriends list below.)**
II. The Girls
Matsumoto Jun
The founder of the club/group. Back in 2001, young Matsumoto Jun was dubbed Arashi's Scaredy Cat, and along with that came the paranoia of being caught and exposed for being a girl in boys' clothing. As a result, young Jun was obsessed with finding the meaning of manliness. Until Jun suspected that (now fellow members) Tsubasa and Ryo were in the same boat. After somehow confirming the suspicion, Jun formed the Girls Club. ("Because boys are insensitive dicks who can't help you to bind your developing breasts so you look flat-chested, and who won't understand why you cry over sappy love movies when you are supposedly a boy.")
Imai Tsubasa
Jun's second in command and wine buddy. Attempts to look "manly" by having short hair, awful mustaches and playing baseball, but her girly side comes out, anyway, whenever she FAILS miserably (at beating Tackey, especially in physical contests) and goes off for cooking sessions with Tsuyoshi-nee and lights up aroma candles to relax. Oh, and also when she freezes by the door and refuses to come inside until darling boyfriend, Hide-kun, gets rid of the cat blocking her way. Because, you know, cats are scary.
Nishikido Ryo
The "manliest" looking of the bunch, and thus, constantly on Jun's nerves for being the Girls Club's most successful member (in terms of projecting a "manly" image). Gives off manly, "seme" vibes, but is a total slutty uke. Body is lean and sinewy and looks flat, but hips are, in fact, well-rounded. Dead giveaway. Also, Ryo is Jun's dorama/movie crying buddy. They marathonned 1Lot and HanaDan together and cried over it.
Tegoshi Yuuya
The rest of the Girls Club are extremely overprotective of the baby of the group, refusing at first to teach Tesshi the wonders of perfecting the slutty image and look ("I've seen the way Masuda eyes our baby girl; he looks at her like Tesshi's a meat bun!!!" Ryo has been noted for bursting out in protest during one meeting/session), but all it took was a tantrum or two and some foot- stomping and a handful of pouts ("I'm a grown woman, almost an adult! I wanna be slutty and I wanna do what I wanna do!" Tegoshi can be quoted shrieking in retaliation), and the Girls all caved in. Thus, Tegoshi's late 2006-early 2007 slutty image.
A. (Not Really) Notable Others
*Under deliberation/debate:
Akanishi Jin
*Neechan/Consultant:
Domoto Tsuyoshi
*Non-members:
Shibutani Subaru - offered a spot in the club, but refused due to dislike of groups/crowds/clubs; that and no one really got what s/he was saying.
Ninomiya Kazunari - considered briefly, but rejected upon careful deliberation that Nino is, in fact, not a girl; just very, very gay.
III. The Boyfriends**
Aiba Masaki
Jun's hyperactive boyfriend; always gets kicked out of sneaking into Girls Club meetings to perv on Jun. Often walks out of the bathroom or bedroom in a towel/half-naked, to the delight of the other girls and Jun's annoyance.
Takizawa Hideaki
Tsubasa's perverted boyfriend; the Girls Club's paradigm of manliness, although he, himself, is unaware of this. Often treats the other boyfriends out to lunch while waiting for the girls.
Uchi Hiroki/Ohkura Tadayoshi/Yamashita Tomohisa
Ryo's (perverted) boyfriends. When Uchi got suspended, Ryo went back and forth between two groups, and consequently, two men; Ohkura and Pi. Now that Uchi is back as a trainee, they meet each other often. It's one big, happy foursome. To date, no complaints have been heard of (although, it can be attributed to the fact that if anyone were in that foursome, they wouldn't complain, either).
Masuda Takahisa
Tego-baby's (perverted) gluttonous, neat-freak boyfriend. The newbie in the Boyfriends Circle and the target of all the boys' sly remarks and lecherous jokes...which all bounce off because of Massu's cluelessness, anyway, to the other boys' frustration.
IV. Activities
Cooking Sessions
Cooking sessions are done via rotation; all girls take turns being the cook in charge per week. The boyfriends all generally look forward to Cooking Night...except when they hear it's Tesshi's turn to cook. Only Massu looks forwards to such nights. However, all the other boyfriends are rewarded rather nicely by their respective girlfriends for their valiant efforts at faking "delicious!" faces while forking down Tesshi's rather dubious cooking.
Shopping Sprees
Every so often, the girls break out and shop for girly clothes and trendy things (because being forced to wear boys' clothes gets tiring and boring, after awhile). In cognito, of course. Giggling and, "let's go, girls!" is abound during such bonding sessions.
Slumber Parties
Bring out the guacamole, girls!
Manly Strategies
In which Ms. Prez presides over the meetings and Ryo puts in a shitload of (mostly unhelpful and ineffective) plans.
Pole-dancing Sessions
Ryo and Jun both did Exercise/Fitness segments on their groups' respective shows (Muchaburi for Ryo and Shukudai-kun for Jun), but one thing that Ryo was able to experience (that Jun wasn't able to, to her frustration) was Pole Dancing. Jun demanded that Ryo teach them all how to do it. Needless to say, this particular activity is a Boyfriends' Favorite.
How To Get Your BF To Bend To Your Every Whim Lectures
[TxT: MS 2007.08.10, TegoMass: Hanamaru Cafe 2006.02.02; Aibajun: every time Jun orders Aiba to do something, and Aiba goes, "hai hai!" xD]
Makeover Sessions
Still remember when Tegoshi looked rather lame and had rather nonexistent fashion sense? Whatchoo say? It all seems like a blur? Two words: Girls Club. Or Makeover Sessions. ;)
Naughty Bedroom Lessons (big hit/extremely popular with the boyfriends)
Does this even need explaining? :|
Boyfriend Night
In which a random (lucky or unlucky; it's all in the perspective)boyfriend (per week) sits in on a Girls Club session and does Girls Club activities with them. I.e. the girls make him over/practice their "newly learned techniques" on him, etc.
V. Boyfriends' Bonding
bonding while picking up (and waiting for) respective girlfriends in the apartment/home of the week
bonding over shared secret (Girls Club) and tasked with protecting said secret
bonding over having to pretend they're gay, just because they can't say that their "boyfriends" are, in fact, girls
VI. Attempts At Manliness*
blonde hair - Year 2002, Tsubasa has the brilliant idea of going blonde, because she thinks it will make her look manly. 2003, Ryo and Jun follow suit. All three decide that it was an awful move and must not be repeated ever again. Year 2007, Ryo breaks the No Blonde Hair rule. Tesshi follows soon after. Both are heavily scolded and reprimanded by Jun and Tsubasa (with good reason).
sexy/ero-ero dance - Year 2005. Tsubasa brings up that Tackey is seen as manly by many, and that maybe this is because Tackey does ero-ero dancing. Jun and Ryo decide to give Operation Ero-Ero To Be Manly a go. Jun fails miserably and scowls and hates on Ryo for being able to carry off his Ai Igai ero-ero dance and look manly.
walking bow-leggedly/The Man Strut - Ryo's idea. It works for him, but not for the rest of the girls, sadly.
sports/gym workouts - Summer 2007, Ryo and Jun both buff up, but grow thinner afterwards. Gym buddies? Girls Club?
The Leg Tilt - Tackey again (Look at Tackey dance. He tlts his leg like Jun does, only not that exaggerated.). The Girls Club all see Tackey as "manly," and while watching TxT videos (courtsey of Tsubasa) over popcorn (courtesy of Tesshi), Jun excitedly points out that Tackey's leg tends to tilt to the side while dancing. She decides that it is manly, and decides to copy that particular dancing mannerism. Year 2007, Kawai Fumito finally brings out to the public something that has been bugging thousands of fans (and coworkers, alike) for quite sometime, and Matsujun is made a monomane (impression) favorite.
VII. Random "Facts"/"Trivia"
The Girls Club use Matsujun's With Me as official mood music even when with their respective boyfriends. All boyfriends, with the exception of Aiba, are more than a little disturbed by this, but do not complain for fear of being shown The Couch.
The boyfriends all poke fun at Massu for being the newbie boyfriend. Massu is clueless about all the jossing, though.
The Girls had all intended to give Massu a hard time for being their baby girl Tego's boyfriend, but Jun and Tsubasa instantly melted when they learned that Massu is a fellow neat-freak. They now bond over cleaning and cooking (eating their cooking, on Massu's part).
Jun and Tsubasa have similar striped long-sleeved shirts. Ryo and Tesshi are currently looking for excuses to buy and wear their own stripey shirts without seeming too obvious.
Ryo is the only member who has more than 1 boyfriend, owing to the fact that Uchi's suspension left her rather messed up, and the only way she knew to deal with it was to sleep around. All three boyfriends know about the situation, though, and no one really seems to mind. All three simply take turns when fetching Ryo from Girls Club activities or sitting in on Boyfriend Night.
On the offchance that Jin gets accepted, every time it's Pi's turn to fetch Ryo, it's convenient, because he'll be fetching 2 girlfriends at the same time. Talk about efficient.
Uchi is a boy pretending to be a girl pretending to be a boy.
The Girls Club has its own set of rules/mantra (not unlike the Yamada household, from Yamada Tarou) including commandments like, "Thou shalt not be stronger than your boyfriend," and, "Thy boyfriend shalt not ever be more flexible than thee."
The Girls Club is like a sorority, with The Boyfriends as their brother fraternity. xD
~*~*~
Comments? Hate mail? xD If anyone gets pissed off and says shit like, "BUT RYO IS NOT A GIRL! HE IS A SEXY OSAKA MAN," I will LMAO at them then proceed to spork their eyes out. It's crack. Deal with it. LOL
I dunno how many people will actually be amused by this, seeing as this is kinda sorta like a private joke between aoimidori and I; born out of random conversations which lead to, "Ah! Girls Club!" And now, every time Jun or Ryo or Tego or Tsubasa would do something that would normally warrant a, "that is so very ghei" comment, we assume it's the Girls Club's doing. Lol
Now, please tell me that someone will write Girls Club fic in which: Jin and Pi get wind of the cool, sekrit club within JE and they fight about who gets to be the girl so that they can join...among other Girls Club happenings. :3
EDIT!
P.S.
There are downloads and links to pics here and there throughout the post. Not much, but...:P
P.P.S.
Ack. As stormingflower pointed out, I forgot Yasu. D: Um. Yassan can go and form a Boys Pretending To Be Girls Pretending To Be Boys club together? :P