we're all the same, and she can hardly breathe without you
I can't sleep. I have been staying up so freakishly late this evening, and then sleeping until two in the afternoon. It's not healthy, and I would love to have a normal sleeping schedule again.
However, for some reason, it's not happening.
Tonight I really want to be sleeping next to him. I want him home, now.
And I can't even hold my breath for him to come home, because he's not mine. He won't be mine, and I don't know how things are going to be when he comes back. I'm going out of my head thinking all of these thoughts and wondering how everything is going to be, if it's going to be awkward, if we're going to sit three feet away from each other all the time, or if we're going to fall back into the comfortableness that we found with each other before he left for Colorado, before he "fell in love" and started dating that girl, during the time where I lived at his apartment basically for a week and a half.
During that time where I completely and utterly fell for him.
Being with him is like being home. But it's not the home that you had when you were a kid, and not the home that I've heard about missing when you go on trips, it wasn't like that. It was the same, and utterly different. It was a home that I got to choose, and at the same time it chose me. It was my safe haven, the place I automatically thought of when my day started bad, or I wanted to rest, or I wanted to be myself. It was safe, and warm, and happy. More than happy, it was... content, calm, perfect, loving, and so many other words that I can't think of. It was a feeling that I haven't felt in at least a year and a half, if I've ever felt like this before.
He's this amazing hybrid of facets of guys; I've never really met someone like him before. And I know signals got crossed, and things haven't been perfect. Yet somehow, my feelings about him and my view of him hasn't changed. I don't resent him, I don't dislike him, I don't want him to leave me alone. Instead I want to hear from him every day, I want to hug him, and run errands with him, and fight with him about helping to clean his kitchen, and ride around in his truck, and talk about Star Wars with him, and laugh, and have him call me cupcake, and fall asleep in his arms.
And the time I get to spend with him is so comfortable, I never want to leave. He kept saying that he was amazed I wasn't sick of hanging out with him; the truth is ever time I left I was restless until I could go back over. No matter how much time I spend with him I never get tired out by him... things are always so sweet and simple and nice. Problems don't necessarily melt away, but I feel like I can handle them, no matter what they are. I also felt like he would always be there to hold me up and help me. He got me to talk, which I don't do with that many people, especially not face-to-face.
And I couldn't help looking down the line, weeks, months, into the school year, and what things could be, and what could happen. I couldn't help dreaming about him, and imagining things, and hoping for things. I couldn't stop smiling; I was metaphorically skipping through fields of daisies, wind in my hair, 'the hills are alive' joyful. It had been so long since I've felt that kind of peace, that kind of happiness, that kind of contentment, with no other underlying guilt or strings or hurt.
I'm looking back on all that, those perfect moments with him, those times that now can't be expanded upon, and I keep wondering why. I know that one person can live in a fantasy land; and maybe two can too if there's something seriously blocking one side, but there wasn't. He could have chosen me; he could have made that decision, we could have made the fantasy a reality. And I just wish I could ask him why he didn't pick me.
Overall I'm okay. I've been thinking, and focusing, and I have so much stuff to fill my time once school starts that maybe I won't even think about how I'm crazy about him and I can't have him. And I'm thrilled that our friendship is as great as it is; we've got all these plans of stuff we want to do this year together. We clicked once we met, and it's really awesome.
It's just kind of hard too, and I'm afraid it's going to be even harder when he comes home.
The day after tomorrow.
Well, actually, tomorrow. Because I can't sleep, and I've stayed up until the morning now.
I miss him so much.
I wish I didn't.
I wish he would love me, so I could just let go and love him.
However, for some reason, it's not happening.
Tonight I really want to be sleeping next to him. I want him home, now.
And I can't even hold my breath for him to come home, because he's not mine. He won't be mine, and I don't know how things are going to be when he comes back. I'm going out of my head thinking all of these thoughts and wondering how everything is going to be, if it's going to be awkward, if we're going to sit three feet away from each other all the time, or if we're going to fall back into the comfortableness that we found with each other before he left for Colorado, before he "fell in love" and started dating that girl, during the time where I lived at his apartment basically for a week and a half.
During that time where I completely and utterly fell for him.
Being with him is like being home. But it's not the home that you had when you were a kid, and not the home that I've heard about missing when you go on trips, it wasn't like that. It was the same, and utterly different. It was a home that I got to choose, and at the same time it chose me. It was my safe haven, the place I automatically thought of when my day started bad, or I wanted to rest, or I wanted to be myself. It was safe, and warm, and happy. More than happy, it was... content, calm, perfect, loving, and so many other words that I can't think of. It was a feeling that I haven't felt in at least a year and a half, if I've ever felt like this before.
He's this amazing hybrid of facets of guys; I've never really met someone like him before. And I know signals got crossed, and things haven't been perfect. Yet somehow, my feelings about him and my view of him hasn't changed. I don't resent him, I don't dislike him, I don't want him to leave me alone. Instead I want to hear from him every day, I want to hug him, and run errands with him, and fight with him about helping to clean his kitchen, and ride around in his truck, and talk about Star Wars with him, and laugh, and have him call me cupcake, and fall asleep in his arms.
And the time I get to spend with him is so comfortable, I never want to leave. He kept saying that he was amazed I wasn't sick of hanging out with him; the truth is ever time I left I was restless until I could go back over. No matter how much time I spend with him I never get tired out by him... things are always so sweet and simple and nice. Problems don't necessarily melt away, but I feel like I can handle them, no matter what they are. I also felt like he would always be there to hold me up and help me. He got me to talk, which I don't do with that many people, especially not face-to-face.
And I couldn't help looking down the line, weeks, months, into the school year, and what things could be, and what could happen. I couldn't help dreaming about him, and imagining things, and hoping for things. I couldn't stop smiling; I was metaphorically skipping through fields of daisies, wind in my hair, 'the hills are alive' joyful. It had been so long since I've felt that kind of peace, that kind of happiness, that kind of contentment, with no other underlying guilt or strings or hurt.
I'm looking back on all that, those perfect moments with him, those times that now can't be expanded upon, and I keep wondering why. I know that one person can live in a fantasy land; and maybe two can too if there's something seriously blocking one side, but there wasn't. He could have chosen me; he could have made that decision, we could have made the fantasy a reality. And I just wish I could ask him why he didn't pick me.
Overall I'm okay. I've been thinking, and focusing, and I have so much stuff to fill my time once school starts that maybe I won't even think about how I'm crazy about him and I can't have him. And I'm thrilled that our friendship is as great as it is; we've got all these plans of stuff we want to do this year together. We clicked once we met, and it's really awesome.
It's just kind of hard too, and I'm afraid it's going to be even harder when he comes home.
The day after tomorrow.
Well, actually, tomorrow. Because I can't sleep, and I've stayed up until the morning now.
I miss him so much.
I wish I didn't.
I wish he would love me, so I could just let go and love him.