A Moment in the Library
(Todd, a 23-year old unemployed writer, sits quietly in a public library reading a tattered copy of "The Complete Ernest Hemingway." No one knows it, but for the past hour, Todd has been in dire need of a bathroom. Todd also has a fear of public restrooms and a long overdue library bill for a "borrowed" copy of "The Kama Sutra for Singles.")
TODD: Oh, Mr. Hemingway, teach me your vodka-soused wisdom.
(Enter Lucy, a SWF from Todd's past, sifting through the section on famous automobiles. During their childhood, Todd and Lucy spent long amounts of time together, forced to endure long, tedious lectures and public ridicule in an old, drafty warehouse of a building. They often refer to this torturous time as "high school." Since graduating, Lucy has become a successful importer of fine glass statuettes of David Hasselhoff. She also had a crush on Todd in high school. Go figure.)
LUCY: Todd? Todd, is that you?
TODD: (looking up) L-Lucy? From high school?
LUCY: Yeah. Wow, what's it been? Like, 5 years?
TODD: (checking his watch) Yeah, I guess so. Geez. It -- it's been a while.
LUCY: Yeah, so what are you doing now?
TODD: (lifts up his book) Reading.
LUCY: (giggles) No, I mean...you know, in life.
TODD: Oh...I'm a freelance writer. You?
LUCY: Oh...I run my own business. Nothing too exciting.
(Silence. Awkward Silence.)
(A librarian walks by. She is your standard, old, grumpy, lumpy librarian. She scowls at the two, as if they were wiping their asses with the books.)
LUCY: So, what do you write? I didn't know you were creative. Oh, no offense.
TODD: I'm a journalist. Normally I do pieces on strife in the Middle East, but it's kind of bummed me out. So, here...here I am catching up on some literature.
LUCY: Hmm. So you do a lot of traveling?
TODD: Some.
(Silence. Awkward.)
TODD: So, what brings you to the library?
LUCY: Oh, um...my car...
(Silence.)
LUCY: No, I mean..it, um...I'm having some problems with my engine. Thought it would be cheaper to see if I could get a book and check it out myself.
TODD: Oh. Good luck. I'm no good with tools.
LUCY: Oh, me neither, but I thought I'd give it a try. I always enjoy new challenges.
TODD: So...
LUCY: So.
(The librarian returns.)
LIBRARIAN: SSHHHH!
(The librarian departs to shush others in her battle against boredom.)
LUCY: Hey, I know...I know this may be a shot in the dark, but would you like to maybe get a cup of coffee some time?
TODD: I...I would love to.
(At this moment, we shall take a look into the inner-monologue of Mr. Todd Freelance-Writer-Guy.)
VOICE #1: Oh, man. She likes me. That is so sweet!
VOICE #2: I have to go.
VOICE #3: Let's replace "cup of coffee" with "hotel room" and you are on, baby!
VOICE #2: I have to go. I have to go. I have to go.
VOICE #4: So a black guy and a rabbi walk into a bar...
VOICE #1: Man, I haven't had a date in such a long time. This is awesome! And she's cute!
VOICE #2: I have to go. I have to go. I have to go. I have to go. I have to go.
VOICE #3: Look at those big--
VOICE #1: (interrupting) Hey! She is a woman! Respect her!
VOICE #3: (mockingly) "She is a woman. Respect her." How about I inspect her! Ha ha!
VOICE #2: Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop.
LIBRARIAN: SSHHH!
(We now return to reality.)
LUCY: (Lucy hands Todd her card) So, you'll call me? Soon?
TODD: Sure!
LUCY: Great. I can't wait. I'll see you later then.
(BOOM! Five black bears charge through the front door of the library. Each bear is being attacked by a swarm of angry African bees. The bears begin eating people in the frenzy. Lucy and Todd are both disemboweled and eaten like salt water taffy by a bear named Fred. Before she died, Lucy thought 'I never got to fall in love!' The last thought that went through Todd's head was, 'Eat this, bear!' as the muscles in his sphincter relaxed.)
END
TODD: Oh, Mr. Hemingway, teach me your vodka-soused wisdom.
(Enter Lucy, a SWF from Todd's past, sifting through the section on famous automobiles. During their childhood, Todd and Lucy spent long amounts of time together, forced to endure long, tedious lectures and public ridicule in an old, drafty warehouse of a building. They often refer to this torturous time as "high school." Since graduating, Lucy has become a successful importer of fine glass statuettes of David Hasselhoff. She also had a crush on Todd in high school. Go figure.)
LUCY: Todd? Todd, is that you?
TODD: (looking up) L-Lucy? From high school?
LUCY: Yeah. Wow, what's it been? Like, 5 years?
TODD: (checking his watch) Yeah, I guess so. Geez. It -- it's been a while.
LUCY: Yeah, so what are you doing now?
TODD: (lifts up his book) Reading.
LUCY: (giggles) No, I mean...you know, in life.
TODD: Oh...I'm a freelance writer. You?
LUCY: Oh...I run my own business. Nothing too exciting.
(Silence. Awkward Silence.)
(A librarian walks by. She is your standard, old, grumpy, lumpy librarian. She scowls at the two, as if they were wiping their asses with the books.)
LUCY: So, what do you write? I didn't know you were creative. Oh, no offense.
TODD: I'm a journalist. Normally I do pieces on strife in the Middle East, but it's kind of bummed me out. So, here...here I am catching up on some literature.
LUCY: Hmm. So you do a lot of traveling?
TODD: Some.
(Silence. Awkward.)
TODD: So, what brings you to the library?
LUCY: Oh, um...my car...
(Silence.)
LUCY: No, I mean..it, um...I'm having some problems with my engine. Thought it would be cheaper to see if I could get a book and check it out myself.
TODD: Oh. Good luck. I'm no good with tools.
LUCY: Oh, me neither, but I thought I'd give it a try. I always enjoy new challenges.
TODD: So...
LUCY: So.
(The librarian returns.)
LIBRARIAN: SSHHHH!
(The librarian departs to shush others in her battle against boredom.)
LUCY: Hey, I know...I know this may be a shot in the dark, but would you like to maybe get a cup of coffee some time?
TODD: I...I would love to.
(At this moment, we shall take a look into the inner-monologue of Mr. Todd Freelance-Writer-Guy.)
VOICE #1: Oh, man. She likes me. That is so sweet!
VOICE #2: I have to go.
VOICE #3: Let's replace "cup of coffee" with "hotel room" and you are on, baby!
VOICE #2: I have to go. I have to go. I have to go.
VOICE #4: So a black guy and a rabbi walk into a bar...
VOICE #1: Man, I haven't had a date in such a long time. This is awesome! And she's cute!
VOICE #2: I have to go. I have to go. I have to go. I have to go. I have to go.
VOICE #3: Look at those big--
VOICE #1: (interrupting) Hey! She is a woman! Respect her!
VOICE #3: (mockingly) "She is a woman. Respect her." How about I inspect her! Ha ha!
VOICE #2: Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop.
LIBRARIAN: SSHHH!
(We now return to reality.)
LUCY: (Lucy hands Todd her card) So, you'll call me? Soon?
TODD: Sure!
LUCY: Great. I can't wait. I'll see you later then.
(BOOM! Five black bears charge through the front door of the library. Each bear is being attacked by a swarm of angry African bees. The bears begin eating people in the frenzy. Lucy and Todd are both disemboweled and eaten like salt water taffy by a bear named Fred. Before she died, Lucy thought 'I never got to fall in love!' The last thought that went through Todd's head was, 'Eat this, bear!' as the muscles in his sphincter relaxed.)
END