so long and thanks for all the fish
< disclaimer > I have a lot on my mind, as a result, this entry is likely to be very boring... for those of you that are observant, you'll notice the new icon indicates the quality of the entry... that said, continue at your own risk.
I can't seem to motivate myself to be in school, I know that as a Christian I'm supposed to work at whatever I do as though I was working for the Lord, but somehow I've always managed to believe school didn't apply. It does, and I know that, but I still have no desire to do well, or, for that matter, to even go to class. It's a struggle every day to get out of bed and go to class. It's ridiculous, but I can't for the life of me figure out how to change it. I'm beginning to realize that my apathy is a sin, and I want to change. It's difficult to even know where to begin. *sigh* I guess I'll just have to keep praying and trying to have joy in spite of the monotony of school.
I think I might be getting sick again. I've been coughing fairly consistently for two days. Maybe it's just allergies, they have been doing a lot of mowing lately. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Allison and I were talking yesterday about how the people we expect to be dating, the ones that make you say, "how is it possible no one has snatched them up yet?" are still single. It's a mixed compliment. The person to actually inspire the conversation was Wade, but I can't help becoming introspective. Would people say that about me? Or is my character and personality not fitting for that kind of disbelief? As much as I desire to be in a relationship, I think it's mostly selfish. I long for affirmation, for companionship, for someone to think I'm special. Is that wrong? I'm so confused right now... I know God placed all these desires within me, I know that if it's His will, eventually I'll meet the man that will make me feel all those things... it's just waiting is so hard. I so want the certainty of knowing that someone out there is waiting for me as much as I'm waiting for him. I guess it's just hard watching everyone else couple off and become so happy... it's hard not to be jealous. I truly do desire to to God's will, and I know taking things into my own hands will only make the situation worse... Patience is just not my strong point lately. It's hard not to wonder when it will be my turn, when someone will look at me the way Chris looks at Brooke, or Ray looks at Allison.
The main point of this entry? Contentment. I need to find it, I can't keep trying to do this on my own. The stress of school, work, money, my family, my future, everything is wearing on me and I'm turning into a person I don't like. I'm listless and overwhelmed by everything that I feel is expected of me, but all God really asks is that I obey Him, He will take care of me. I just have to trust Him and be willing to do whatever He asks of me. Sometimes I get so bogged down in my own sin I can't see a way out, I can't figure out why God would forgive me again, when I'm not seeming to get any better about obeying Him. But He does, He loves me no matter what my faults may be. I want that love to be reflected in all I say and do, in my relationships with others. Contentment... yes, please
I can't seem to motivate myself to be in school, I know that as a Christian I'm supposed to work at whatever I do as though I was working for the Lord, but somehow I've always managed to believe school didn't apply. It does, and I know that, but I still have no desire to do well, or, for that matter, to even go to class. It's a struggle every day to get out of bed and go to class. It's ridiculous, but I can't for the life of me figure out how to change it. I'm beginning to realize that my apathy is a sin, and I want to change. It's difficult to even know where to begin. *sigh* I guess I'll just have to keep praying and trying to have joy in spite of the monotony of school.
I think I might be getting sick again. I've been coughing fairly consistently for two days. Maybe it's just allergies, they have been doing a lot of mowing lately. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Allison and I were talking yesterday about how the people we expect to be dating, the ones that make you say, "how is it possible no one has snatched them up yet?" are still single. It's a mixed compliment. The person to actually inspire the conversation was Wade, but I can't help becoming introspective. Would people say that about me? Or is my character and personality not fitting for that kind of disbelief? As much as I desire to be in a relationship, I think it's mostly selfish. I long for affirmation, for companionship, for someone to think I'm special. Is that wrong? I'm so confused right now... I know God placed all these desires within me, I know that if it's His will, eventually I'll meet the man that will make me feel all those things... it's just waiting is so hard. I so want the certainty of knowing that someone out there is waiting for me as much as I'm waiting for him. I guess it's just hard watching everyone else couple off and become so happy... it's hard not to be jealous. I truly do desire to to God's will, and I know taking things into my own hands will only make the situation worse... Patience is just not my strong point lately. It's hard not to wonder when it will be my turn, when someone will look at me the way Chris looks at Brooke, or Ray looks at Allison.
The main point of this entry? Contentment. I need to find it, I can't keep trying to do this on my own. The stress of school, work, money, my family, my future, everything is wearing on me and I'm turning into a person I don't like. I'm listless and overwhelmed by everything that I feel is expected of me, but all God really asks is that I obey Him, He will take care of me. I just have to trust Him and be willing to do whatever He asks of me. Sometimes I get so bogged down in my own sin I can't see a way out, I can't figure out why God would forgive me again, when I'm not seeming to get any better about obeying Him. But He does, He loves me no matter what my faults may be. I want that love to be reflected in all I say and do, in my relationships with others. Contentment... yes, please