I will not ruin the fairy tale.
You know what? I'm tired.
Tired of this. Tired of being strong.
Not that I want to be weak.
I just don't want to be strong.
I want to not lie.
Not smile. But I never stop smiling.
Can I please stop?
My life has been full of abuse. Name an abuse and I've done it or gone through it or dealt with it. And that tires me. It makes me so damn tired. I wish there was a way to wipe the slate clean, I wish there was some magic eraser to get rid of what I did and what was done to me. I don't know why I'm focusing on this lately. I know I'm over it. But maybe I'm not. I keep thinking that I should suck it up and go to therapy. I keep thinking that I should deal with it now. But if I ignored help for 6 years when I needed. If i could ignore help when I was cutting and suicidal, why would I turn to it now? What is there left to be dealt with? I just want someone to sit me down and tell me that it's okay that I'm this way. I just want someone to tell me I'm going to be alright. Because sometimes I seriously doubt that. Some times I don't think I'm going to be okay. I wake up and know it's a miracle that I am still alive. I know it's a miracle. Trust me, it's a miracle.
Everyone at works tells me that they forgot I am only 19 and I want to scream out I WANT TO BE 19. I just want to act my age. I don't want to be so responsible and so old. I want people to think I'm 19 and not 23 or 24 or 25. Some times I wonder if I was ever called immature, ever. If at all. I don't think so. I think I've always been this way.
It's been enough knowing I'm an accident. I just don't want my life to be a reflection of that. I don't want to look back and see that it was all horror. I want someone to come save me.
But prince charming takes too long these days
getting lost in the tangled trails of drug abuses
and the princess fell to her death
in her attempt to leave her tower.
Tired of this. Tired of being strong.
Not that I want to be weak.
I just don't want to be strong.
I want to not lie.
Not smile. But I never stop smiling.
Can I please stop?
My life has been full of abuse. Name an abuse and I've done it or gone through it or dealt with it. And that tires me. It makes me so damn tired. I wish there was a way to wipe the slate clean, I wish there was some magic eraser to get rid of what I did and what was done to me. I don't know why I'm focusing on this lately. I know I'm over it. But maybe I'm not. I keep thinking that I should suck it up and go to therapy. I keep thinking that I should deal with it now. But if I ignored help for 6 years when I needed. If i could ignore help when I was cutting and suicidal, why would I turn to it now? What is there left to be dealt with? I just want someone to sit me down and tell me that it's okay that I'm this way. I just want someone to tell me I'm going to be alright. Because sometimes I seriously doubt that. Some times I don't think I'm going to be okay. I wake up and know it's a miracle that I am still alive. I know it's a miracle. Trust me, it's a miracle.
Everyone at works tells me that they forgot I am only 19 and I want to scream out I WANT TO BE 19. I just want to act my age. I don't want to be so responsible and so old. I want people to think I'm 19 and not 23 or 24 or 25. Some times I wonder if I was ever called immature, ever. If at all. I don't think so. I think I've always been this way.
It's been enough knowing I'm an accident. I just don't want my life to be a reflection of that. I don't want to look back and see that it was all horror. I want someone to come save me.
But prince charming takes too long these days
getting lost in the tangled trails of drug abuses
and the princess fell to her death
in her attempt to leave her tower.