Take Elvis for a walk and shut up.
I don't have my writing pad with me, soooo here we go. (i was writing on paper instead of here because I felt that what I wrote could have been interpreted as written for those who may or may not read it. a lot of times I write things that appear as cocky to some. I like to think that it isn't cockiness but self-knowledge, but then if that were so then I wouldn't be second guessing myslef. However, I am reassured when I reflect because I don't remember second guessing myself)
Control. I keep thinking about control and how it effects or doesn't effect my life.
I say, "how did this happen again." I realize that I didn't have control, but maybe that is the main reason that I continue to drink. I am able to see progress in self-control during inebriated periods. What happens is that I plataeu (sp?) and then I drop, down to hell. I have had a tendency to blame my behavior on those that I'm around, if I'm around Jason or Steve or dustin or Jon then I do fine. Good people good times? It's not that at all, it's me, entirely. So I reached an apparent paradox, that only now I've seemed to see through.
If I allow myself to drink then I have a degree of control in doing so, If I stop drinking then I agree that I've done so because I know that I have no control while drinking. But then if I can stop drinking then I'll have control of my life. All together then, if I stop drinking then I both lose control and gain control. I will have lost against myself. Would I have gained myself? That assumes that I was never myself during the last years of my life.
No, it's all a matter of degree. I need to come clean with myself. I need to know and not believe. I've not been the best that I could have been but I have the ability to be better, but a condition of getting better is to accept being wrong. I don't know if it's noticable but I am such a vain person it hurts me at times.
And then I think, "it was just drunk in public, stop making such a big deal of it. stop being such a drama queen."
But i know that I had no control and that is what worries me.
Control. I keep thinking about control and how it effects or doesn't effect my life.
I say, "how did this happen again." I realize that I didn't have control, but maybe that is the main reason that I continue to drink. I am able to see progress in self-control during inebriated periods. What happens is that I plataeu (sp?) and then I drop, down to hell. I have had a tendency to blame my behavior on those that I'm around, if I'm around Jason or Steve or dustin or Jon then I do fine. Good people good times? It's not that at all, it's me, entirely. So I reached an apparent paradox, that only now I've seemed to see through.
If I allow myself to drink then I have a degree of control in doing so, If I stop drinking then I agree that I've done so because I know that I have no control while drinking. But then if I can stop drinking then I'll have control of my life. All together then, if I stop drinking then I both lose control and gain control. I will have lost against myself. Would I have gained myself? That assumes that I was never myself during the last years of my life.
No, it's all a matter of degree. I need to come clean with myself. I need to know and not believe. I've not been the best that I could have been but I have the ability to be better, but a condition of getting better is to accept being wrong. I don't know if it's noticable but I am such a vain person it hurts me at times.
And then I think, "it was just drunk in public, stop making such a big deal of it. stop being such a drama queen."
But i know that I had no control and that is what worries me.