Another Kidney Situation...And I guess I'll pour some shit out
Last week I had another violent outpouring and the familiar pain of an impending kidney failure. thankfully I remembered the situation back in 2007ish and immediately went to the emergency room (by immediately i mean like 7 hours after i first felt it. I chilled in the emergency room for many hours in that silly little gown and had blood, urine, and all these other tests. I told them up front exactly what I had so they wouldn't waste time. When the doctor came back he said my kidneys were "knocking on the door of insufficiency". Well that's why I came to the damn hospital! If i waited 3 days they would be devastated and I'd be close to death again!
However how I got to this point again is what scares me, because I still don't know what triggers these. The first time it was Little Caesers pizza. But this time, the only thing I had to eat was som Popeyes chicken and sparkling cider. I had the cider before with no problems, and the Popeyes, well i get that stuff almost every week. I'm guessing it was undercooked chicken...and that's pretty much the only thing it could be.
On the more serious side of things, my friends and myself to a deeper extent, are worried about me. They ask "how is this happening?" And I can't give an answer. I don't know, and medical facilities can't very well tell me exactly what compound or chemical it is that fucks me up so much. I am also worried about the future. Will I have to be stuck to a dialysis machine when I'm older? Will I need a transplant? Heavy questions...but then again, I'm 28. I'm not getting younger and there are certain realities I'll have to face (like slowly going bald) whether I want to or not. I don't really have a peer or friend trusted enough to talk to, but there are a few I can vent to, and I think only one who will listen.
On top of that I need to start considering my 5-year plan and what resolutions to pick up for next year. As of December 5th, I'll officially have my TSA job for a year (the first time I've had a job this long since 2005?). I'm talking more with Nisha day by day and God bless her. There have been so many girls I've simply lost because I'm a slow man, very slow on the uptick and 99% ignorant of "the game", "signals", and all that icky relationship stuff. I honestly pretty much don't know how it works anymore.
I really thought I had a good thing going with Crystal. I liked her. I liked her to the point of calling her and being on the phone for hours at a time talking about nothing...something that never, ever happens. She was good at fighting games, witty, just a bit of sass, a great artist, thick but not fat, and had the cutest high voice ever...I did everything I could, including legitimate dates. We went to arcades, she met some of my friends, We even told each other how we felt...then just one night after some drinking, she made some poignant remark "no one has ever taken me this far" referring to getting to her apartment, opening the door for her and just standing in the courtyard of her complex. It was just a great moment. We had one of those moments where you see in movies where the two lovers stand in the darkness into each others' eyes. It was really great. It was the most earnest hug I've ever received (outside of my grandmother). The next day though I had a missed call from her house phone, and suddenly i'm removed from her FB, she's not returning calls, and changes her name. I was stunned for months. I realized some time later that it was me not picking up the signal that she was ready that very night to take it to the next level and I completely didn't read her signals at all. I don't know what she thought of course, but it must have been along the lines of "he doesn't love me as much" or something, and dumped me, with no explanation.
Through all that, Nisha (among other people) was my advisor and always made time to hang out with me. Truthfully I canceled on her way more than she did me, just because I was on a Yelp trip and she lives in San Pedro which is really far. It seems I always, always put other things before girls, and when I was on my excommunication, the wires got stuck and now it's even more difficult to become emotionally attached aside from a relatively superficial level. I'm going through this old friends list and Anna's journal is still up. She left signs for me too, which are obvious now. All those anime where the girl cusses the guy out for being an idiot.
Fuck.
And now I find myself getting attracted to Nisha. I dismissed her when I first met her as a vapid wanna-be singer, but she has shown incredible progress and lost weight and her songs are...well, they are fit to play on the radio. And that Indian accent, and her parents already like me; And as I step back from myself it seems i have been fucking up signals again. Well I've just been close to dying for the second time in my life. I feel like it's really time to start LIVING. My credit is good, my job is good, my car is good. My life is shakily getting on track after the derailments of unemployment of 2008-2010. It's time I took advantage of this opportunity.
2012 Indeed.
However how I got to this point again is what scares me, because I still don't know what triggers these. The first time it was Little Caesers pizza. But this time, the only thing I had to eat was som Popeyes chicken and sparkling cider. I had the cider before with no problems, and the Popeyes, well i get that stuff almost every week. I'm guessing it was undercooked chicken...and that's pretty much the only thing it could be.
On the more serious side of things, my friends and myself to a deeper extent, are worried about me. They ask "how is this happening?" And I can't give an answer. I don't know, and medical facilities can't very well tell me exactly what compound or chemical it is that fucks me up so much. I am also worried about the future. Will I have to be stuck to a dialysis machine when I'm older? Will I need a transplant? Heavy questions...but then again, I'm 28. I'm not getting younger and there are certain realities I'll have to face (like slowly going bald) whether I want to or not. I don't really have a peer or friend trusted enough to talk to, but there are a few I can vent to, and I think only one who will listen.
On top of that I need to start considering my 5-year plan and what resolutions to pick up for next year. As of December 5th, I'll officially have my TSA job for a year (the first time I've had a job this long since 2005?). I'm talking more with Nisha day by day and God bless her. There have been so many girls I've simply lost because I'm a slow man, very slow on the uptick and 99% ignorant of "the game", "signals", and all that icky relationship stuff. I honestly pretty much don't know how it works anymore.
I really thought I had a good thing going with Crystal. I liked her. I liked her to the point of calling her and being on the phone for hours at a time talking about nothing...something that never, ever happens. She was good at fighting games, witty, just a bit of sass, a great artist, thick but not fat, and had the cutest high voice ever...I did everything I could, including legitimate dates. We went to arcades, she met some of my friends, We even told each other how we felt...then just one night after some drinking, she made some poignant remark "no one has ever taken me this far" referring to getting to her apartment, opening the door for her and just standing in the courtyard of her complex. It was just a great moment. We had one of those moments where you see in movies where the two lovers stand in the darkness into each others' eyes. It was really great. It was the most earnest hug I've ever received (outside of my grandmother). The next day though I had a missed call from her house phone, and suddenly i'm removed from her FB, she's not returning calls, and changes her name. I was stunned for months. I realized some time later that it was me not picking up the signal that she was ready that very night to take it to the next level and I completely didn't read her signals at all. I don't know what she thought of course, but it must have been along the lines of "he doesn't love me as much" or something, and dumped me, with no explanation.
Through all that, Nisha (among other people) was my advisor and always made time to hang out with me. Truthfully I canceled on her way more than she did me, just because I was on a Yelp trip and she lives in San Pedro which is really far. It seems I always, always put other things before girls, and when I was on my excommunication, the wires got stuck and now it's even more difficult to become emotionally attached aside from a relatively superficial level. I'm going through this old friends list and Anna's journal is still up. She left signs for me too, which are obvious now. All those anime where the girl cusses the guy out for being an idiot.
Fuck.
And now I find myself getting attracted to Nisha. I dismissed her when I first met her as a vapid wanna-be singer, but she has shown incredible progress and lost weight and her songs are...well, they are fit to play on the radio. And that Indian accent, and her parents already like me; And as I step back from myself it seems i have been fucking up signals again. Well I've just been close to dying for the second time in my life. I feel like it's really time to start LIVING. My credit is good, my job is good, my car is good. My life is shakily getting on track after the derailments of unemployment of 2008-2010. It's time I took advantage of this opportunity.
2012 Indeed.