Rant - The Life of Irony (Part 1)
I've been a lot of things in my life, violently rebellious, catholic, blonde, depressed, straight, etc. I've changed a lot throughtout the years, obviously. I've also, at one time or another, wished I was many things I never had the chance to be, tanned, popular, rich, athletic, normal, you know. Well my objectives in life have changed drastically. I guess what it came down to was seeing the opposite prospective of things. If I had never been taught Protestanism than I never would have questioned Catholicism, if I had never dyed my hair black I would never have known I liked it better than blonde. When it came to my aspirations, I guess I had to obtain my goals before I could see that it wasn't really what I wanted. I had to go tanning before I missed my pale skin, I had to be accepted my a clique before I realized I was better on my own.
The great irony?
Everything I ever wanted, turned out to be everything I've ever hated. Everything I wanted to change, is now everything I'm proud to be.
Not a day goes by when I don't wonder what it would be like to be a total sheep. To have a God I've never really thought about, friends who treat me exactly as I treat them, going to school and getting my grades all the while gossiping and gushing about my oh so perfect boyfriend, meanwhile inconspicuous to any life outside of my own, listening to the radio, knowing everything I'm supposed to and nothing I'm not. Then I remember these were the kids who tormented me in elementary school, the kids I wanted to BE. Now they don't dare. Now the tables have turned.
For awhile I became a bit of a force to be reckoned with. I knew how to throw a punch, I knew how to insult them down to a pitiful mess, I knew how to exploit their insecurities, and I mastered the art of apathy, my daddy taught me how to do them all. For once things were in shades of grey, not black and white, it was the popular and the unpopular anymore. I made maybe the worst choice in my life, but maybe the most educational, I became a bully. I was goood too, I was tall, and thick (at the time), and strong, and I had nothing to lose. So I took the whole damn schools on, teachers and everyone, I was a cynical little bitch, the most out-spoken, over-opinionated, grade 7 ever!
Then...in the summer...I met...*hangs head* GHETTO kids! The only good part, they "prettized" me. I had literally only worn baggy track pants and plain baggy t shirts. They put make-up on me, tight jeans, and crop tops. It was like, woah, I'm...a...girl...? In the year I hung out with them I dod some things, terrible things, things I'm ashamed of. It wasn't me though, BUT IT WAS my fault and my stupid acts of submission and conformity, but I was just a puppet. I don't regret it in the least though. I lived amongst the ignorant, the infidels, the nihilists, the people who live purely for transient pleasures, the truly apathetic who care not about their family, their friends, their spouses, the world, humanity, or their future a month from now. A decadent life, destined only to end only ashes.
What pryed my eyes open to look at their void most of all was their sexuality and their mating rituals. It was barbaric. Reverse Darwinism. The hedonism was alluring I admit, but I wouldn't whore myself for drugs, I wouldn't fool around with chicks while a bunch of guys gawked, I wouldn't practise infidelity, I would go half naked to clubs so that I could appease my own insecurities by grinding against some stranger I would care less about. After the summer I isolated myself from these halbermensch of humanity. I transfered from the Catholic school that both hated me and eared me. I went to a public highschool filled with new people.
So now I was in a school of upper class rich prep snobs. But they LIKED me, I guess they found me intriguing or something,or more like a "before" picture of a mek-over. They took me tanning and shopping and stuff, and they actually seemed moderately interesting in my feelings and opinions. Alas, I was just their barbie doll so I had fuck it, and I modified all my clothes crazy style and went tottttally weird. Then, there was the "punks" there, their music surpassed everyone else's in school so meh. But apparently, my home- made clothes could not compare to the uber-punkness of their $200 dickies, and Crass was such a poser compared to NoFx, and Leftover Crack didn't have nearly as profound messages in their music as Blink-182 did. I tried real hard, but I just couldn't conceal their hypocracies to myself. It was not apreciated and quickly labelled a "poser punk" despite the fact I wasn't a punk, I didn't ever claim to be one, yet some how I knew more about it than any of them did.
FINALLY I had not one, not two, but THREE opputunities to, like, "fit in". So? Compromise myself or face the possiblity of ostrisization all over again?
WELL FUCK THEM ALL.
On my boring, lonely nights I decided to read, and write, and study. But what I couldn't stand was not "Being anything". A punk, a goth, a thug, a raver, I wasn't any of them, but I KNEW I was something. So I found these neat words like Deism and Existentialism and that was far better than any subculture or clique at my school. Now I didn;t have to change anything or compromise anything because that's what I WAS, and always was, I just found the words. Then, you could say, my world broke out into vivid colours! And the best part is no one knew what the fuck I was talknig about, so it made me feel all superior and stuff for once.
So I started to dress real weird, duct tape, telophone cords, wires, crazy hair colour, you know. The upper class prep school I was in was shocked to say the least. I got a bunch of weird stares and all but not a person dared comment to my face. I wish they had cuz I could have soooo justified myself. Another ironic thing, the people who hated it most, was the punks. That in itself makes me like, more PUNK then them, and I'm not a punk, so it's tragic. However, they were the worst representation of punks, ever, like worse than Avril punks.
Whatever. I got bored and started dressing quasi-normal, but listening to all this neat new music, like Industrial, and Gabber, and such.
So the normal/tanned/popular/athletic thing no longer concerned me, and, in fact, I now sort of look down on most of those people. My lower-middle class family was still embarrassing though, especially surrounded by rich kids. However, I had to transfer schools in order to go into a special program at this new school, Stamford, which is located "downtown". I got there and it was like...culture shock.
The skateboarders new how to skate. The punks were actually punks. This whole Goth thing actually existed. The preps were friendly and accepting. The Ghetto kids were decent. The whole school was laid back, and accepting, and just a positive enviornment. It was because some of the kids lived on the streets, or in group homes, or tattered houses, or regular houses, and large comfortable houses, or apartments; it was like, the punks accepted the thugs, the goths accepted the nazis, the preps accepted the skaters; it was like, I didn't have to be rich, or athletic, or conform, or be perfect in any way. At Myer (old school) if I was wearing duct tape they would gawk, at Stamford they would smile and say "that's so neat".
These kids were cool because they weren't rich, and they weren't perfect, and they went through all the same shit I've been through. If I had been rich or perfect or accepted that would have been horrible, just horrible. Cuz then, life would have been easy, and I wouldn't feel so damn insecure about myself, and I wouldn't ever have to wrry, but how boring would that be? The worst part is I would have forgotten who I really was. I wouldn't know what Gothic music was, I wouldn't care about what's gonig on in Isreal, I wouldn't know what the word vocation meant, I would never have written a story, and I would be DULL. I would be layers of plaster over a shallow abyss. I would be so utterly happy.
That rhetorical cup, would be full; but screw it, I'd rather have a half full pitcher, because there's so much more room to fill. I don't really know though, how I would have turned out if I was accepted from the beginning. Maybe I would have grow up and disassciated myself with them and end up the same way I am now. Honestly, I couldn't live any other way. I'm utterly glad at having a miserable childhood, cuz now, things are so much better. A king doesn't know the joy of being a king, but a peasant that becomes a knight, knows more glory in every single day of his life than the king has ever had.
Things are fucking great now. Cuz everyday I wake up smiling knowing it will be better than the last day, and when I look back to that time when I was depressed and wanted to kill myself, I remember my pain, but it is so surreal. But it was real. Painfully real. Nowadays I wake up to the world and am enthusiastic about starting my day. I will never ever ever ever wake up with puffy eyelids from crying, and my back aching from moaning, and wishing desperately to just fall asleep forever. I will look back in shame at the things I did because I was insecure. I hate what I did and wish I could erase the events, but not the memories, and not the lessons I've learned. Now I don't need to hide behind violence because I have ways a million times better to defend myself. The greastest weapon of all is I'm secure with my mind and beleifs and no one can touch them or decredit them.
As critical as I am, I won't lower myself to petty insults. And believe me...working with a bible thumper for 4 months required an emmense amount of self control. I really didn't think I had it in me. I know what it's like to be hurt, mentally and physically, to be ridiculed, to be torn down. I know others who have too, but they spread it like some virus. I refuse, I refuse to take part in this malicious cycle even if I have to isolate myself from everyone. Maybe it's just the kids in highschool, but don't they see how dumb they sound? What cowards they are? How petty they are? How ignorant? Can't they think before they speak or act? Don't they realize, they are just as bad as the person before them? Hatred breed hatred. Misery loves company. Well...they stay far away from me, maybe because they know exactly what I'll say or how I'll respond and it would be pointless. Sometimes I wish that, just for old times sake, someone would tease me, or bully me, just so that I could do what I was never able to do until a year or so ago. Not insult them, not banter, not be sardonic, but tell them exactly what they sound like, break down their mentality, and tell them just why they do what they do. Then maybe...they'd understand...they might even stop. Then at least, I can maybe reconsile everything stupid and juvenile I've ever done.
I'm not tanned, I'm pale and proud. And ya know what...I actually get compliments on it.
I'm not popular but I'm respected.
I'm not rich which I desperately wanted to be, but I have things money can't buy. And I have my degnity, and money can't corrupt it.
I'm not athletic, but who cares.
I'm not normal, but why the hell did I ever want to be?!?
Since I've babbled far too long already...
...to be continued!
I have a long way to go but I won't stop.
I have a lot to repent but I'm still scarred.
I am still a cynical, condescending, malcontent who wishes only the best to everyone who crosses my path.
The great irony?
Everything I ever wanted, turned out to be everything I've ever hated. Everything I wanted to change, is now everything I'm proud to be.
Not a day goes by when I don't wonder what it would be like to be a total sheep. To have a God I've never really thought about, friends who treat me exactly as I treat them, going to school and getting my grades all the while gossiping and gushing about my oh so perfect boyfriend, meanwhile inconspicuous to any life outside of my own, listening to the radio, knowing everything I'm supposed to and nothing I'm not. Then I remember these were the kids who tormented me in elementary school, the kids I wanted to BE. Now they don't dare. Now the tables have turned.
For awhile I became a bit of a force to be reckoned with. I knew how to throw a punch, I knew how to insult them down to a pitiful mess, I knew how to exploit their insecurities, and I mastered the art of apathy, my daddy taught me how to do them all. For once things were in shades of grey, not black and white, it was the popular and the unpopular anymore. I made maybe the worst choice in my life, but maybe the most educational, I became a bully. I was goood too, I was tall, and thick (at the time), and strong, and I had nothing to lose. So I took the whole damn schools on, teachers and everyone, I was a cynical little bitch, the most out-spoken, over-opinionated, grade 7 ever!
Then...in the summer...I met...*hangs head* GHETTO kids! The only good part, they "prettized" me. I had literally only worn baggy track pants and plain baggy t shirts. They put make-up on me, tight jeans, and crop tops. It was like, woah, I'm...a...girl...? In the year I hung out with them I dod some things, terrible things, things I'm ashamed of. It wasn't me though, BUT IT WAS my fault and my stupid acts of submission and conformity, but I was just a puppet. I don't regret it in the least though. I lived amongst the ignorant, the infidels, the nihilists, the people who live purely for transient pleasures, the truly apathetic who care not about their family, their friends, their spouses, the world, humanity, or their future a month from now. A decadent life, destined only to end only ashes.
What pryed my eyes open to look at their void most of all was their sexuality and their mating rituals. It was barbaric. Reverse Darwinism. The hedonism was alluring I admit, but I wouldn't whore myself for drugs, I wouldn't fool around with chicks while a bunch of guys gawked, I wouldn't practise infidelity, I would go half naked to clubs so that I could appease my own insecurities by grinding against some stranger I would care less about. After the summer I isolated myself from these halbermensch of humanity. I transfered from the Catholic school that both hated me and eared me. I went to a public highschool filled with new people.
So now I was in a school of upper class rich prep snobs. But they LIKED me, I guess they found me intriguing or something,or more like a "before" picture of a mek-over. They took me tanning and shopping and stuff, and they actually seemed moderately interesting in my feelings and opinions. Alas, I was just their barbie doll so I had fuck it, and I modified all my clothes crazy style and went tottttally weird. Then, there was the "punks" there, their music surpassed everyone else's in school so meh. But apparently, my home- made clothes could not compare to the uber-punkness of their $200 dickies, and Crass was such a poser compared to NoFx, and Leftover Crack didn't have nearly as profound messages in their music as Blink-182 did. I tried real hard, but I just couldn't conceal their hypocracies to myself. It was not apreciated and quickly labelled a "poser punk" despite the fact I wasn't a punk, I didn't ever claim to be one, yet some how I knew more about it than any of them did.
FINALLY I had not one, not two, but THREE opputunities to, like, "fit in". So? Compromise myself or face the possiblity of ostrisization all over again?
WELL FUCK THEM ALL.
On my boring, lonely nights I decided to read, and write, and study. But what I couldn't stand was not "Being anything". A punk, a goth, a thug, a raver, I wasn't any of them, but I KNEW I was something. So I found these neat words like Deism and Existentialism and that was far better than any subculture or clique at my school. Now I didn;t have to change anything or compromise anything because that's what I WAS, and always was, I just found the words. Then, you could say, my world broke out into vivid colours! And the best part is no one knew what the fuck I was talknig about, so it made me feel all superior and stuff for once.
So I started to dress real weird, duct tape, telophone cords, wires, crazy hair colour, you know. The upper class prep school I was in was shocked to say the least. I got a bunch of weird stares and all but not a person dared comment to my face. I wish they had cuz I could have soooo justified myself. Another ironic thing, the people who hated it most, was the punks. That in itself makes me like, more PUNK then them, and I'm not a punk, so it's tragic. However, they were the worst representation of punks, ever, like worse than Avril punks.
Whatever. I got bored and started dressing quasi-normal, but listening to all this neat new music, like Industrial, and Gabber, and such.
So the normal/tanned/popular/athletic thing no longer concerned me, and, in fact, I now sort of look down on most of those people. My lower-middle class family was still embarrassing though, especially surrounded by rich kids. However, I had to transfer schools in order to go into a special program at this new school, Stamford, which is located "downtown". I got there and it was like...culture shock.
The skateboarders new how to skate. The punks were actually punks. This whole Goth thing actually existed. The preps were friendly and accepting. The Ghetto kids were decent. The whole school was laid back, and accepting, and just a positive enviornment. It was because some of the kids lived on the streets, or in group homes, or tattered houses, or regular houses, and large comfortable houses, or apartments; it was like, the punks accepted the thugs, the goths accepted the nazis, the preps accepted the skaters; it was like, I didn't have to be rich, or athletic, or conform, or be perfect in any way. At Myer (old school) if I was wearing duct tape they would gawk, at Stamford they would smile and say "that's so neat".
These kids were cool because they weren't rich, and they weren't perfect, and they went through all the same shit I've been through. If I had been rich or perfect or accepted that would have been horrible, just horrible. Cuz then, life would have been easy, and I wouldn't feel so damn insecure about myself, and I wouldn't ever have to wrry, but how boring would that be? The worst part is I would have forgotten who I really was. I wouldn't know what Gothic music was, I wouldn't care about what's gonig on in Isreal, I wouldn't know what the word vocation meant, I would never have written a story, and I would be DULL. I would be layers of plaster over a shallow abyss. I would be so utterly happy.
That rhetorical cup, would be full; but screw it, I'd rather have a half full pitcher, because there's so much more room to fill. I don't really know though, how I would have turned out if I was accepted from the beginning. Maybe I would have grow up and disassciated myself with them and end up the same way I am now. Honestly, I couldn't live any other way. I'm utterly glad at having a miserable childhood, cuz now, things are so much better. A king doesn't know the joy of being a king, but a peasant that becomes a knight, knows more glory in every single day of his life than the king has ever had.
Things are fucking great now. Cuz everyday I wake up smiling knowing it will be better than the last day, and when I look back to that time when I was depressed and wanted to kill myself, I remember my pain, but it is so surreal. But it was real. Painfully real. Nowadays I wake up to the world and am enthusiastic about starting my day. I will never ever ever ever wake up with puffy eyelids from crying, and my back aching from moaning, and wishing desperately to just fall asleep forever. I will look back in shame at the things I did because I was insecure. I hate what I did and wish I could erase the events, but not the memories, and not the lessons I've learned. Now I don't need to hide behind violence because I have ways a million times better to defend myself. The greastest weapon of all is I'm secure with my mind and beleifs and no one can touch them or decredit them.
As critical as I am, I won't lower myself to petty insults. And believe me...working with a bible thumper for 4 months required an emmense amount of self control. I really didn't think I had it in me. I know what it's like to be hurt, mentally and physically, to be ridiculed, to be torn down. I know others who have too, but they spread it like some virus. I refuse, I refuse to take part in this malicious cycle even if I have to isolate myself from everyone. Maybe it's just the kids in highschool, but don't they see how dumb they sound? What cowards they are? How petty they are? How ignorant? Can't they think before they speak or act? Don't they realize, they are just as bad as the person before them? Hatred breed hatred. Misery loves company. Well...they stay far away from me, maybe because they know exactly what I'll say or how I'll respond and it would be pointless. Sometimes I wish that, just for old times sake, someone would tease me, or bully me, just so that I could do what I was never able to do until a year or so ago. Not insult them, not banter, not be sardonic, but tell them exactly what they sound like, break down their mentality, and tell them just why they do what they do. Then maybe...they'd understand...they might even stop. Then at least, I can maybe reconsile everything stupid and juvenile I've ever done.
I'm not tanned, I'm pale and proud. And ya know what...I actually get compliments on it.
I'm not popular but I'm respected.
I'm not rich which I desperately wanted to be, but I have things money can't buy. And I have my degnity, and money can't corrupt it.
I'm not athletic, but who cares.
I'm not normal, but why the hell did I ever want to be?!?
Since I've babbled far too long already...
...to be continued!
I have a long way to go but I won't stop.
I have a lot to repent but I'm still scarred.
I am still a cynical, condescending, malcontent who wishes only the best to everyone who crosses my path.