Ficlet: The Exorcist
Pairing(s): John/Elizabeth, Carson
Rating: PG
Genre: Fluff/Crack
Summary: John is panicking about Elizabeth's health. Carson is surprised to learn why.
"Emergency! Gangway! Coming through! Medical emergency here!"
Carson's head shot up. He'd learned to discount this sort of thing from Dr. McKay, but it wasn't McKay's panicked voice rapidly approaching the infirmary. It was Colonel Sheppard's.
He stood as Sheppard came pelting through the doors, fear written all over his face. Dr. Weir was in his arms. Memories of the Replicator incident made Carson's heart squeeze in his chest. "What have we got?" he demanded.
It took a moment to register that Elizabeth wasn't actually passed out. In fact, he realized as she politely extended her wrist for him to take her pulse, she looked fine, if slightly annoyed at being jostled like a sack of potatoes.
"Uh... Elizabeth?"
She gave him a nod and a patient smile. "Carson."
"Erm... what seems to be the trouble?"
"Ask Colonel Sheppard."
When Carson turned an enquiring look to John, he was surprised to see him struggle for an answer as his ears turned bright red. Finally he jerked his head toward the rear of the infirmary. Carson followed him back there, then waited as he set Elizabeth on the bed and drew the privacy curtain.
"Well?" he asked. "If there's a medical problem, John, I need to know."
John stared at the ground and muttered something.
"Sorry? I didn't catch that."
John cleared his throat and mumbled, "Lizbeth kissed me."
"I... see." Carson blinked at Elizabeth, who was sitting quietly with her hands folded in her lap. "And this is... a medical problem."
"Exactly." Sheppard flashed him a grateful smile, relieved he was getting it. He took Elizabeth by the shoulders and said loudly in her ear, "If you can hear me in there, Elizabeth, it's going to be okay. Whatever alien freak has possessed your body, we'll get it out of you."
Elizabeth winced. "First of all, even if I were possessed, I wouldn't be deaf. And second of all, I told you, I'm not possessed."
Sheppard glared. "That's just what you say when you are possessed."
Carson ran a scanner over her. "Her brain activity appears normal. Why don't you tell me what happened, Colonel?"
Sheppard's face was now so red he looked like he was having a stroke. "I... I was out on the balcony, and she came and found me, and I thought she wanted to talk about duty rosters, but she just walked up and..." he swallowed, his eyes taking on a faraway look.
"Kissed him," Elizabeth supplied helpfully.
Sheppard came back to himself. "Right. When has she shown any inclination to do that when she wasn't possessed?" he began to pace. "I wonder if I should put the city on lockdown."
Carson exchanged glances with Elizabeth. Thanks to a number of Johnny-Walker-fueled late nights, Carson was well aware that an unpossessed Elizabeth did, in fact, harbor a significant interest in snogging the Colonel. "I'm not sure this is a medical issue," he said. "Elizabeth, did you kiss him because you were possessed?"
"No," she said firmly. "I did it because he looked cute."
"If that were true, you would have done it six months ago," Sheppard hissed.
Carson's eyebrows shot up. "Six months ago? What's this now?"
Elizabeth was the one who looked embarrassed now. "Well... six months ago is when John... ah..."
"Got humiliated? Got brutally shot down? Opened myself up so she could stomp me to little bits?"
"John told me he loved me," she said softly.
"And what was your response?" He glared at her. "'Oh, no, John, we couldn't, we mustn't, think of the city, we can love only Atlantis.'" His scowl darkened. "'I hope this won't affect our friendship.'"
Carson winced. "Oh, Elizabeth, you didn't."
She had the grace to look ashamed. "Well... I really did hope that." She turned to John hopefully. "At least you're talking to me now. Does that mean you don't think I'm possessed?"
"No."
It was to both their credit that there had, in fact, been no outwardly visible fissures in their working relationship. Of course, it seemed to have driven Sheppard insane. Carson crossed his arms. "As your chief medical officer, I am satisfied that you're in good health. However, you're on your own with persuading your military commander of same. I'd start with telling him what changed your mind."
Elizabeth's gaze flew to John. "M13-885."
He scratched the back of his neck. "The badger planet? What about it?"
"The planet where you almost died."
"Oh yeah. So? That's nothing new."
"No, it's not." Elizabeth hopped off her gurney and began to pace. "In fact, while I was waiting for them to scrape you off the bottom of that crevasse and bring you back home, I did a bit of math. That was the fiftieth time you almost died, John. And I couldn't stop thinking about that number, about how you should get a - a - a commemorative plate or something, because fifty, wow, that is really something, and then they brought you back through the gate and you looked like hamburger but somehow you still gave me that cocky grin and I thought no, I'm the one who deserves a commemorative plate, because falling off a gravity-defying bridge that suddenly stops defying gravity is the easy part, I'm the one that has to stay here and wait for you to not come back -"
Sheppard looked a bit alarmed. "Whoa. Breathe. You sound like McKay."
At last she drew to a halt in front of him. "And then today I found you out on the balcony, and you gave me that smile that makes me want to jump you, and I just thought - not a commemorative plate. What we deserve is - this." She laid a hand on his cheek, then pulled it back guiltily. "That is, if you still -"
Colonel Sheppard, Carson reflected, could move very fast when he chose. He had Elizabeth in a deep kiss before Carson could blink. "So Colonel, you're satisfied that no one is possessed?" Carson asked.
Without opening his eyes or letting go of Elizabeth, John yanked the privacy curtain open, grabbed Carson by the shirt, shoved him outside it, and whipped the curtain shut in his face.
"I'll take that as a yes," he called. "Call me if she does anything else suspicious."
What might have been "Get lost" emerged from behind the curtain, but it was too muffled to tell.
"I'm just saying, Colonel, there may be any number of things in your near future that she's not done to you before -"
The curtain whipped open again and Elizabeth emerged, leading Sheppard by the hand. "Enough, Carson," she said, a glint in her eyes, "Unless you want everyone to know what you said on our Johnny Walker nights."
"Enough talking," Sheppard said, and Elizabeth yelped a laugh as he threw her over his shoulder. Elizabeth waved goodbye to Carson as he bore her away into a transporter past Nurse Kominsky, who stared after them, wide-eyed.
"What's with them?" she asked.
"Oh, you know," Carson shrugged. "They're possessed."
Rating: PG
Genre: Fluff/Crack
Summary: John is panicking about Elizabeth's health. Carson is surprised to learn why.
"Emergency! Gangway! Coming through! Medical emergency here!"
Carson's head shot up. He'd learned to discount this sort of thing from Dr. McKay, but it wasn't McKay's panicked voice rapidly approaching the infirmary. It was Colonel Sheppard's.
He stood as Sheppard came pelting through the doors, fear written all over his face. Dr. Weir was in his arms. Memories of the Replicator incident made Carson's heart squeeze in his chest. "What have we got?" he demanded.
It took a moment to register that Elizabeth wasn't actually passed out. In fact, he realized as she politely extended her wrist for him to take her pulse, she looked fine, if slightly annoyed at being jostled like a sack of potatoes.
"Uh... Elizabeth?"
She gave him a nod and a patient smile. "Carson."
"Erm... what seems to be the trouble?"
"Ask Colonel Sheppard."
When Carson turned an enquiring look to John, he was surprised to see him struggle for an answer as his ears turned bright red. Finally he jerked his head toward the rear of the infirmary. Carson followed him back there, then waited as he set Elizabeth on the bed and drew the privacy curtain.
"Well?" he asked. "If there's a medical problem, John, I need to know."
John stared at the ground and muttered something.
"Sorry? I didn't catch that."
John cleared his throat and mumbled, "Lizbeth kissed me."
"I... see." Carson blinked at Elizabeth, who was sitting quietly with her hands folded in her lap. "And this is... a medical problem."
"Exactly." Sheppard flashed him a grateful smile, relieved he was getting it. He took Elizabeth by the shoulders and said loudly in her ear, "If you can hear me in there, Elizabeth, it's going to be okay. Whatever alien freak has possessed your body, we'll get it out of you."
Elizabeth winced. "First of all, even if I were possessed, I wouldn't be deaf. And second of all, I told you, I'm not possessed."
Sheppard glared. "That's just what you say when you are possessed."
Carson ran a scanner over her. "Her brain activity appears normal. Why don't you tell me what happened, Colonel?"
Sheppard's face was now so red he looked like he was having a stroke. "I... I was out on the balcony, and she came and found me, and I thought she wanted to talk about duty rosters, but she just walked up and..." he swallowed, his eyes taking on a faraway look.
"Kissed him," Elizabeth supplied helpfully.
Sheppard came back to himself. "Right. When has she shown any inclination to do that when she wasn't possessed?" he began to pace. "I wonder if I should put the city on lockdown."
Carson exchanged glances with Elizabeth. Thanks to a number of Johnny-Walker-fueled late nights, Carson was well aware that an unpossessed Elizabeth did, in fact, harbor a significant interest in snogging the Colonel. "I'm not sure this is a medical issue," he said. "Elizabeth, did you kiss him because you were possessed?"
"No," she said firmly. "I did it because he looked cute."
"If that were true, you would have done it six months ago," Sheppard hissed.
Carson's eyebrows shot up. "Six months ago? What's this now?"
Elizabeth was the one who looked embarrassed now. "Well... six months ago is when John... ah..."
"Got humiliated? Got brutally shot down? Opened myself up so she could stomp me to little bits?"
"John told me he loved me," she said softly.
"And what was your response?" He glared at her. "'Oh, no, John, we couldn't, we mustn't, think of the city, we can love only Atlantis.'" His scowl darkened. "'I hope this won't affect our friendship.'"
Carson winced. "Oh, Elizabeth, you didn't."
She had the grace to look ashamed. "Well... I really did hope that." She turned to John hopefully. "At least you're talking to me now. Does that mean you don't think I'm possessed?"
"No."
It was to both their credit that there had, in fact, been no outwardly visible fissures in their working relationship. Of course, it seemed to have driven Sheppard insane. Carson crossed his arms. "As your chief medical officer, I am satisfied that you're in good health. However, you're on your own with persuading your military commander of same. I'd start with telling him what changed your mind."
Elizabeth's gaze flew to John. "M13-885."
He scratched the back of his neck. "The badger planet? What about it?"
"The planet where you almost died."
"Oh yeah. So? That's nothing new."
"No, it's not." Elizabeth hopped off her gurney and began to pace. "In fact, while I was waiting for them to scrape you off the bottom of that crevasse and bring you back home, I did a bit of math. That was the fiftieth time you almost died, John. And I couldn't stop thinking about that number, about how you should get a - a - a commemorative plate or something, because fifty, wow, that is really something, and then they brought you back through the gate and you looked like hamburger but somehow you still gave me that cocky grin and I thought no, I'm the one who deserves a commemorative plate, because falling off a gravity-defying bridge that suddenly stops defying gravity is the easy part, I'm the one that has to stay here and wait for you to not come back -"
Sheppard looked a bit alarmed. "Whoa. Breathe. You sound like McKay."
At last she drew to a halt in front of him. "And then today I found you out on the balcony, and you gave me that smile that makes me want to jump you, and I just thought - not a commemorative plate. What we deserve is - this." She laid a hand on his cheek, then pulled it back guiltily. "That is, if you still -"
Colonel Sheppard, Carson reflected, could move very fast when he chose. He had Elizabeth in a deep kiss before Carson could blink. "So Colonel, you're satisfied that no one is possessed?" Carson asked.
Without opening his eyes or letting go of Elizabeth, John yanked the privacy curtain open, grabbed Carson by the shirt, shoved him outside it, and whipped the curtain shut in his face.
"I'll take that as a yes," he called. "Call me if she does anything else suspicious."
What might have been "Get lost" emerged from behind the curtain, but it was too muffled to tell.
"I'm just saying, Colonel, there may be any number of things in your near future that she's not done to you before -"
The curtain whipped open again and Elizabeth emerged, leading Sheppard by the hand. "Enough, Carson," she said, a glint in her eyes, "Unless you want everyone to know what you said on our Johnny Walker nights."
"Enough talking," Sheppard said, and Elizabeth yelped a laugh as he threw her over his shoulder. Elizabeth waved goodbye to Carson as he bore her away into a transporter past Nurse Kominsky, who stared after them, wide-eyed.
"What's with them?" she asked.
"Oh, you know," Carson shrugged. "They're possessed."