god... it IS my fault
I'm tired of walking in that house and feeling that. Its the worst feeling in the world. That tension between parents that havent talked in months only to fight over money. I'm at school. Wasting money. Money that could have made my parents stop all this. Money to buy my dads stupid truck and that pretty oven mom wants. Money to get good food and decent furniture and not shitty hand-me-downs. I'm tired of it. I need to just quit school and let that money go to my family. Its not getting me ANYWHERE. I have no future in my major. I'm not even that good at it. I just like it. This fact makes me fucking sick to my stomach. I come home... and no one is happy... i come back to school and realize its my fault. My brother or sister calls me... moms out and dads pissed or vice versa. I know what it means... Dad will do something childish mom will retaliate with something even more stupid and it will go on for months ending in not talking to each other. EVERY FUCKING TIME. I am the cause of this. They were happy before they had me. All the money all their time went to me. They freaked... went out all the time, came home drunk, and fought. All because of me. Living with this for almost TWENTY years next tuesday. This time it is my fault... i should have seen through my mom gritting her teeth saying "go to any college you want... we'll make it work". Why was i so selfish? I know this sounds like that stupid girl on the lifetime movies about a family going through a divorce. You notice the parents in these "movies" are college graduates and rake in 500k/yr. nothing about a waitress and a brick mason... scraping by with 3 kids and a stupid dog in a shithole of a house. No wonder my brother and sister hate me.
fuck im going to throw up.
fuck im going to throw up.