At this point I don't care if I die. Maybe it would help a lot, especially this problem.
(the Dashboard Confessional Marathon has ceased)
I'm for real. I feel like I want to die.
The title of the current music says it all. I need to break the habit.
You may be asking yourself what kind of habit that is, but those of you who were with me this evening will know.....that habit is gambling. I would say that I have a chronic gambling problem, and I am only 18 years of age. Most people who have gambling problems are middle-aged men with families who usually end up losing it all. Well, I am an 18-year old male still in high school, has yet to venture inside the complexity of casinos, and has still managed to be at a total loss of about $500. Ridiculous? Yes it is.
Tonight I went over to Danny Kin's house to play some cards. First I went to 7-Eleven to the ATM to get $20 so I could play. Lost it all. I had a HUGE losing streak before Lechel had his surgery and the whole time he was out of school I was winning money. I have come to the conclusion that I lose money when I play with him; all of the other times I win, except tonight. Lechel was not in attendence and I lost $20. Since Lechel has returned to school I have been playing against him and, guess what?, lost money.
They say that if you do something, or not do something for 16 days straight, that it becomes habit. I am going to prove this theory. I am going to break my habit of gambling by not gambling for 16 days. I will even over-shoot. 18 days from now is Tuesday, March 23, 2004. I will not gamble, or play cards for that matter, until March 23. THIS IS AN OPEN INVITATION: If anyone who reads this sees me play cards before March 23, has permission to punch me. Head shots are prohibited, as are stomach and below. This means the only places you can hit me are my chest, back, and arms. If ANYONE who reads this catches me playing cards before March 23, hit me. I may ask why you hit me, bitch at you, or maybe even hit you back, but you are allowed to hit me if I play cards before then. The best thing that can happen to me in the immediate future is for me to stop gambling. I have a serious problem and I need to stop. BUT, I am thankful that I am able to notice this problem by myself before it becomes more serious than it actually is. I just hope this works....
Any idea on other ways I can help break this habit? Suggestions are welcome and greatly appreciated!
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"Breaking the Habit"
by Linkin Park
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
[Unless I try to start again]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
So I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
Breaking the habit
Tonight
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight