Boom... thats the sound of me bursting my own bubble
Im going to make it my full intention from now on to not put myself in situations where I end up losing.
As selfish as that sounds, thats fine. Im utterly glad to have the friends that I do, and sad to not have the ones ive lost. I wish I could come clean on everything but it seems like it wouldnt matter to a soul in the world anymore. Reguardless ill confide in alcohol again becuase it just ultimately seems like I want to be my own worse enemy. I can honestly say that ive only "hated" like maybe 4 or 5 people in my life, but with all truth can say that sometimes I "hate" myself. Its not a pitty party becuase I dont want pitty or affection, attention, love, etc. furthermore I dont want to pitty myself becuase im tired of doing that and honestly its selfish and lame. And thats why I think im slowly becoming the bitter person I see in the mirror more so every day, and that part that hurts the most is the fact that every time I see it, I like it more and more. I care less and less about what happens to myself but oddly more and more about what happens to others? if that makes any sense. Im trying to deny the fact that I really do drink way to much and its starting to show in my health and attitudes towards the people I care about. Before I would hide things from my friends and parents just for the fact of making it easier to not have to explain or talk about it, but now lately ive been looking for a reason TO explain or talk about it. Somehow I hope this means im looking for somone to just flat out tell me "its not ok, and you are the only one who can realize that erik" thats what I want to hear in my head becuase maybe I can realize it. Tonight was the first night ive felt like crying and couldnt really think of a reason why. Its almost like the feeling when your really young and you cry when your scared hoping that someone will notice and make things better, except this time im old enough to know what im doing and still cant help it. Brian I love you buddy, I said it last weekend and I truly mean it, if I didnt have you in the past month or so, I probably would be dead. I know that half of the people that read anything I post dont read this far down into long posts and thats fine, but if you did then thank you, I really mean it that I appreciate anyone who can give input to me. wether its right or wrong I think I can learn from it. All ive learned today is that I can move a whole house full of furniture in one day on no sleep. Ive learned that cheap beer works just as good as anything else if not better for the fact that I feel like it fits me better. and ive learned that developing crushes hurts more than I remember it before. im awkward and lame and I know it, at least I know I gave it a fight.
I just want to know how I can seem to feel so much love, lust, joy, pain, infatuation, jealousy, interest, and despair but yet feel empty at the same time.
Fuck yea im drunk, and you know its where you want to be too.
"I am heaven sent, and dont you dare forget, I am all you ever wanted, what all the other boys all promised" - Brand New
Im full of myself in an extremely loathing way, and its going to kill me oneday
As selfish as that sounds, thats fine. Im utterly glad to have the friends that I do, and sad to not have the ones ive lost. I wish I could come clean on everything but it seems like it wouldnt matter to a soul in the world anymore. Reguardless ill confide in alcohol again becuase it just ultimately seems like I want to be my own worse enemy. I can honestly say that ive only "hated" like maybe 4 or 5 people in my life, but with all truth can say that sometimes I "hate" myself. Its not a pitty party becuase I dont want pitty or affection, attention, love, etc. furthermore I dont want to pitty myself becuase im tired of doing that and honestly its selfish and lame. And thats why I think im slowly becoming the bitter person I see in the mirror more so every day, and that part that hurts the most is the fact that every time I see it, I like it more and more. I care less and less about what happens to myself but oddly more and more about what happens to others? if that makes any sense. Im trying to deny the fact that I really do drink way to much and its starting to show in my health and attitudes towards the people I care about. Before I would hide things from my friends and parents just for the fact of making it easier to not have to explain or talk about it, but now lately ive been looking for a reason TO explain or talk about it. Somehow I hope this means im looking for somone to just flat out tell me "its not ok, and you are the only one who can realize that erik" thats what I want to hear in my head becuase maybe I can realize it. Tonight was the first night ive felt like crying and couldnt really think of a reason why. Its almost like the feeling when your really young and you cry when your scared hoping that someone will notice and make things better, except this time im old enough to know what im doing and still cant help it. Brian I love you buddy, I said it last weekend and I truly mean it, if I didnt have you in the past month or so, I probably would be dead. I know that half of the people that read anything I post dont read this far down into long posts and thats fine, but if you did then thank you, I really mean it that I appreciate anyone who can give input to me. wether its right or wrong I think I can learn from it. All ive learned today is that I can move a whole house full of furniture in one day on no sleep. Ive learned that cheap beer works just as good as anything else if not better for the fact that I feel like it fits me better. and ive learned that developing crushes hurts more than I remember it before. im awkward and lame and I know it, at least I know I gave it a fight.
I just want to know how I can seem to feel so much love, lust, joy, pain, infatuation, jealousy, interest, and despair but yet feel empty at the same time.
Fuck yea im drunk, and you know its where you want to be too.
"I am heaven sent, and dont you dare forget, I am all you ever wanted, what all the other boys all promised" - Brand New
Im full of myself in an extremely loathing way, and its going to kill me oneday