Fic: Tilted
It wasn't that Ianto didn't want to talk to Jack. It was because all his energy was being used keeping him on his feet. If he was in danger of collapse, it was not from exhaustion nor from hunger, though he had not slept or eaten properly in so long that his bones ached. Ianto would fight through both if he had to. The thing that would drag him down would be sheer pain. He never knew it was possible to be in so much agony from what amounted to an emotional injury. And yet, the heartache, loss and guilt gnawed at him, day and night.
He had thought that he knew what heartbreak was. Yet, this - the devastation of losing Lisa - seemed to be a new brand. It was so strong; it taunted him with memories of dragging her from the burning wreckage of the office block in Canary Wharf. He remembered the nights he spent at the Hub building the cyber conversion unit, scared of discovery and terrified of failure. Ianto had battled to keep Lisa alive but it wasn't just that. He had worked for Torchwood through the day and sometimes into the night. He would then, exhausted, slip down to the basement and read to Lisa, talk to her and hold her hand. All the time, he was all too aware of the man above stairs, his boss and his seducer.
After all that time, to lose her…the guilt, it drove Ianto to distraction. It churned inside him, making his gut as sore as his heart. If that wasn't bad enough, Ianto fought off other demons. Those who told him that Lisa had manipulated him to get inside Torchwood. And those who told him that he used Lisa as an excuse to be around Jack. Or that was he driven to protect Lisa, not from desire or love, but from duty. A promise made in the ashes of his career and his love life. Each idea poured another drop of poison into Ianto's ear. Lisa's death left him intoxicated with shock, grief and despair.
The shallow, silent version of his former self was the perfect employee at the Hub. The others had forgotten about Lisa so effortlessly. Ianto was left without wanting or being able to talk to them. What would he say? Should he apologise? But what for? For bringing a Lisa into the Hub, or the fact that Jack hadn't sacked him for doing so? He didn't even want to discuss his continued employment with Jack. He didn't want the answer. Part of him thought it was a taunt; to be around a man who he had loved, a man who could barely stand to look at him. Ianto rocked inwards, letting his own silence comfort him and ignoring the distant chatter of the others.
Today was his birthday. No one had remembered, which left Ianto far happier than he thought it would. He felt like a ghost, only his torment keeping his feet on the ground and in the Hub. The simple tasks of each day were changed by the absence of love forever. Nothing was left untouched; all was pain. Somehow he would cope or fail under the scrutiny of his estranged colleagues, none of whom talked to him out of turn, none who spared him a word to comfort or even insult him. It was rather unexpected that he should be yelled and then led into Jack's office by the man himself.
"Happy Birthday, Ianto," Jack said softly, putting a gift into the silent man's hands. Without thought, Ianto pulled at the gaudy orange paper. He gasped, swallowing an unwanted tide of emotion that rose in his throat.
"Thank you."
Ianto had been quiet for so long that when he spoke his words seemed to echo around the room, around the city and around the world. It was a bit of a shame therefore, that when he did, it was about something so silly.
"They say it gives off the same hormones as love,” Jack told him, stooping to pick up pieces of wrapping paper that had been left to flutter to the floor.
The young Welshman stared at the gift in his hands. He didn't know to feel insulted that this would make him feel better somehow, or touched that Jack wanted it to.
"Thank you."
"It's okay, I sort of wish I'd bought something a bit better now," Jack smiled nervously. "I don't even know if you like it."
Ianto blinked and looked up at Jack. Those cold blue eyes shone with amusement and perhaps a little kindness. Oh, that someone should feel that towards him.
"Thank you." Ianto swallowed. This was actually a little embarrassing. Somehow, his lack of speech seemed to have dried up his ability to even converse. Jack's cool blue eyes smiled back at him.
"I think you said that already," He leaned forward and kissed Ianto's forehead.
"Go home Ianto. Eat your chocolate, get drunk, pick up a stranger...just live a little, hm?"
Ianto nodded dumbly. Jack nudged his arm and turned away but the Welshman stayed where he was. He didn't know why his feet were rooted to the floor, but he could not bring himself to leave. Instead his ran his thumb around the opening of the box in his hands and shook it until the chocolate wrapped in silver slid into his palm. He offered it to Jack.
"Would you like some?"
"Are you sure, Ianto?" Hesitantly, Jack took the proffered chocolate, not really sure what Ianto was offering.
Ianto didn't know himself to be honest. He nodded, watching Jack slide open the foil.
“It’s your present, so you get the first piece,” Jack told him, breaking off a bit of the chocolate and offering it. Ianto took the triangle of chocolate and nibbled it, watching Jack take his piece and placing the rest on his desk. “This is my favourite, you know that?”
Ianto smiled, letting the creamy sweet chocolate melt in his mouth. It tasted better than he remembered, better than it should. He realised that he was hungry and had been for some time. This was what he wanted. Life, love, chocolate. Jack’s favourite.
“You know how to eat chocolate too, I see.” Jack bit into his chunk.
Ianto almost choked. “Doesn’t everyone?”
“Not properly,” Jack took another bite of the chocolate that was melting over his fingers. “You don’t rush it. You let it overwhelm you and enjoy every moment. You let it be the magical thing that it is…”
Ianto started to feel as if he was in the pages of his favourite childhood book. He had taken every word of Charlie’s adventure to heart and henceforth, savoured every piece of chocolate he was ever given.
“I’m glad I bought you this.” Jack was watching him intently. Ianto wondered why he didn’t feel self-conscious, just looked after, watched over.
“So am I,” Ianto grinned. The sugar had hit his system and had given him a moment of bouncing glee. “It was a perfect present.”
Jack said nothing for a moment as he licked the chocolate off of his fingers. He smiled, gazing at Ianto when he did the same. Then, Jack moved slowly, taking the thin, pained man before him into a warm hug.
“You deserve so much more.”
Ianto could feel the whispered words against his neck. He sighed, unsure for a moment. Jack’s warmth began to seep through his clothing, seep through his skin, seep into his heart. Perhaps there was more than Lisa. Perhaps he could recover, let the pain fade and take life on again.
Ianto raised his arms and embraced Jack back.