every now and then i fall apart
been a long time since i wrote from the home computer. i've been afraid someone will find this, and i'd rather take the chance that the IT guys at work know all about my problems than people i actually have to look at.
last week i reached a turning point of some kind. and not a good one. it got so bad that i went to the doctor and he agreed to write a letter that got me two weeks off of work. a precious gift. i was very vague about what is wrong when i called work, but since there is a doctor's letter, by law they have to give me the time off without asking why. and i could not care less about what they think. this is a big deal because i've never done anything this drastic, or at least it seems drastic to me. at northwestern things got really bad, but there was always a goal at the end, and bright spots of hope, even if they were temporary. but that was also really bad depression and not crippling anxiety.
i feel so afraid every moment and i want to get better so badly. i think that's another key difference. back then, and then when i couldn't a job, it got to where i didn't really care if i ended up a failed, crazy mess. but even though i have people i care about, i have no goals. the doctor said, use this time to figure things out, to make a path for yourself. but i've just been watching six feet under and trying to work up the courage to even go outside. i just don't like spending the day alone. and i used to love spending the day alone. i feel like a shell of my former self. like i'm aging backwards, falling more and more apart as i get older.
i'm constantly apologizing and i wish i had the opportunity to apologize to anyone i've hurt, which is pretty much anyone i've ever met.
and i don't know what to do about work. i do have a deadline, though. we are going to key west in april and i know i have no vacation time left, so i want to be out of there by then. but i don't know if i can wait that long. however, if i want back and immediately quit that would look so bad and completely undo the reputation i thought i had built for myself. although i think i've pretty much ruined that already. so i don't know yet. we'll see if i can get through the days without panic attacks.
i once watched this True Life on MTV about these kids who have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), which seemed more debilitating that my problems. this one girl went to some intensive therapy program for a week and she was mostly cured. i wish i could do something like that. i don't even know if it exists, but it would be nice.
well, it's off to therapy where, no doubt, my therapist will frown on the fact that my other doctor encouraged this time off idea. i don't know who to believe.
last week i reached a turning point of some kind. and not a good one. it got so bad that i went to the doctor and he agreed to write a letter that got me two weeks off of work. a precious gift. i was very vague about what is wrong when i called work, but since there is a doctor's letter, by law they have to give me the time off without asking why. and i could not care less about what they think. this is a big deal because i've never done anything this drastic, or at least it seems drastic to me. at northwestern things got really bad, but there was always a goal at the end, and bright spots of hope, even if they were temporary. but that was also really bad depression and not crippling anxiety.
i feel so afraid every moment and i want to get better so badly. i think that's another key difference. back then, and then when i couldn't a job, it got to where i didn't really care if i ended up a failed, crazy mess. but even though i have people i care about, i have no goals. the doctor said, use this time to figure things out, to make a path for yourself. but i've just been watching six feet under and trying to work up the courage to even go outside. i just don't like spending the day alone. and i used to love spending the day alone. i feel like a shell of my former self. like i'm aging backwards, falling more and more apart as i get older.
i'm constantly apologizing and i wish i had the opportunity to apologize to anyone i've hurt, which is pretty much anyone i've ever met.
and i don't know what to do about work. i do have a deadline, though. we are going to key west in april and i know i have no vacation time left, so i want to be out of there by then. but i don't know if i can wait that long. however, if i want back and immediately quit that would look so bad and completely undo the reputation i thought i had built for myself. although i think i've pretty much ruined that already. so i don't know yet. we'll see if i can get through the days without panic attacks.
i once watched this True Life on MTV about these kids who have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), which seemed more debilitating that my problems. this one girl went to some intensive therapy program for a week and she was mostly cured. i wish i could do something like that. i don't even know if it exists, but it would be nice.
well, it's off to therapy where, no doubt, my therapist will frown on the fact that my other doctor encouraged this time off idea. i don't know who to believe.