Little Shop Of Horrors
So. I work at a pet shop. I will not name it, for there lies the path to legal woes and first amendment conflict, but suffice to say it is Large, and has Puppies. I spend my days, ferrying puppies to people who want to hold them, and trying desperately to convince them that dropping two grand on a howling ball of poop is a dandy idea. I shall pause for the stunned horror to really set in. Ok, good now?
Sometimes it even works. Trust me, no one is more surprised by that than me. It's a good job, and I like it. But there are woes. Many woes. Such as, I never knew before I worked there that in the dark of night, while the humans have staggered home to wash the scent of poop and desperation from their skin; hamsters will eat each others brains. I arrive every morning to open and without fail, in the hamster cage there will be one or two dead hamsters, brains eaten sometimes gutted, but always very dead and surrounded by their feeding brethern.
Only the normal teddy bear hamsters do this. The Panda's and the Black Bears and the dwarves do not eat one another like furry little zombies. I hate them. I hate cleaning their cage and doing pretty much anything for them. Yet that pales in comparison to the Stupid perpetrated by the customers. We have birds, many kinds, we even have large birds, one in particular being my buddy; Monster the Blue and Gold Macaw. Now, on the cages, there are signs. They clearly say, Do Not Touch The Birds. Yet, people ignore them. Every day they do stupid things, especially the ones with kids. Like the stupid twat who lifted up her 4 ish or so year old kid so she could stick her hand DOWN INTO Monster's cage.
Let me take a moment to inform you that a mature Macaw can sever a human finger with the ease with which *we* chew a banana. It isn't an effort, they don't have to try hard. All it takes is one pissy mood and pow, you just lost a finger. That said, Monster is very good natured. He is for sale after all, and on the floor. He likes being handled and held, but he is a pushy blue bastard and if you let him he will try and make you his hairless pink bitch. Now, this woman knows nothing about Monster, but she sticks her kid's hand into his cage as if she thinks he's a puppy, and Monster, being Monster, does what he does.
He climbs this little girl like a tree and wigs her mother the fuck out because he starts cawing loudly in avian victory at the triumph of scaling Mount Toddler. Now, amusing as all this is, when customers wig, they usually end up hurting the animals, so, swoop down like an avenging angle and in three secconds I have daringly removed monster from the woman's child and replaced him in his cage whre he may sulk and bite my fingers to his heart's content. I *know* what I'm risking, yet I do not mind letting him play with my fingers with his beak as long as he is gentl and he is, very delicate and gentle.
Now, Mother starts flipping out on me, not because we have a very socially agressive bird, but because, wait for it. I took the bird away without asking.
W
T
F?
I politely explain to her that large birds are not best handled by small children who are easily frightened. They sense that fear, and it frightens THEM, or makes them agressive, and an agressive or frightened bird is a bird that will bite. I then inform her of the neat finger removing abillities that i mentioned above, and point out the Do Not Touch The Birds sign on Monsters cage. This enrages her even more, and her daughter starts sobbing. I stand still and unmoved by her tantrum. I have seen them before, but usually from six year olds who's Daddy won't buy them the pretty puppy. My manager, G. arrives on the scene and gets the story from her. I say nothing, and wait for him to sort though her bullshit to the truth, which he is unerringly good at. Then, he tells her she needs to leave and not come back. Because she obviously doesn't know how to conduct herself in a place of buisness. Or with other people's property.
I nearly creamed my panties RIGHT there. I love a manager who can tell a customer to STFU and not get sued. he looks at me after they leave and asks me what really happened. I tell him my version and he snorts and praises me for my quickness and bravery in handling the bigf bird, who even the long timers can be leery of.
Word to the wise, do NOT stick your hand into a Big Blue Bird's cage wiuthout asking his keepers if this is a good idea. No matter how cute he looks, pulping that toy to bits, he could have just as much fun with a finger; it has more nutrient value.
Ta for now.
Sometimes it even works. Trust me, no one is more surprised by that than me. It's a good job, and I like it. But there are woes. Many woes. Such as, I never knew before I worked there that in the dark of night, while the humans have staggered home to wash the scent of poop and desperation from their skin; hamsters will eat each others brains. I arrive every morning to open and without fail, in the hamster cage there will be one or two dead hamsters, brains eaten sometimes gutted, but always very dead and surrounded by their feeding brethern.
Only the normal teddy bear hamsters do this. The Panda's and the Black Bears and the dwarves do not eat one another like furry little zombies. I hate them. I hate cleaning their cage and doing pretty much anything for them. Yet that pales in comparison to the Stupid perpetrated by the customers. We have birds, many kinds, we even have large birds, one in particular being my buddy; Monster the Blue and Gold Macaw. Now, on the cages, there are signs. They clearly say, Do Not Touch The Birds. Yet, people ignore them. Every day they do stupid things, especially the ones with kids. Like the stupid twat who lifted up her 4 ish or so year old kid so she could stick her hand DOWN INTO Monster's cage.
Let me take a moment to inform you that a mature Macaw can sever a human finger with the ease with which *we* chew a banana. It isn't an effort, they don't have to try hard. All it takes is one pissy mood and pow, you just lost a finger. That said, Monster is very good natured. He is for sale after all, and on the floor. He likes being handled and held, but he is a pushy blue bastard and if you let him he will try and make you his hairless pink bitch. Now, this woman knows nothing about Monster, but she sticks her kid's hand into his cage as if she thinks he's a puppy, and Monster, being Monster, does what he does.
He climbs this little girl like a tree and wigs her mother the fuck out because he starts cawing loudly in avian victory at the triumph of scaling Mount Toddler. Now, amusing as all this is, when customers wig, they usually end up hurting the animals, so, swoop down like an avenging angle and in three secconds I have daringly removed monster from the woman's child and replaced him in his cage whre he may sulk and bite my fingers to his heart's content. I *know* what I'm risking, yet I do not mind letting him play with my fingers with his beak as long as he is gentl and he is, very delicate and gentle.
Now, Mother starts flipping out on me, not because we have a very socially agressive bird, but because, wait for it. I took the bird away without asking.
W
T
F?
I politely explain to her that large birds are not best handled by small children who are easily frightened. They sense that fear, and it frightens THEM, or makes them agressive, and an agressive or frightened bird is a bird that will bite. I then inform her of the neat finger removing abillities that i mentioned above, and point out the Do Not Touch The Birds sign on Monsters cage. This enrages her even more, and her daughter starts sobbing. I stand still and unmoved by her tantrum. I have seen them before, but usually from six year olds who's Daddy won't buy them the pretty puppy. My manager, G. arrives on the scene and gets the story from her. I say nothing, and wait for him to sort though her bullshit to the truth, which he is unerringly good at. Then, he tells her she needs to leave and not come back. Because she obviously doesn't know how to conduct herself in a place of buisness. Or with other people's property.
I nearly creamed my panties RIGHT there. I love a manager who can tell a customer to STFU and not get sued. he looks at me after they leave and asks me what really happened. I tell him my version and he snorts and praises me for my quickness and bravery in handling the bigf bird, who even the long timers can be leery of.
Word to the wise, do NOT stick your hand into a Big Blue Bird's cage wiuthout asking his keepers if this is a good idea. No matter how cute he looks, pulping that toy to bits, he could have just as much fun with a finger; it has more nutrient value.
Ta for now.