last nights pain
Last night I went to work. it was ok. a good way to get my mind away from the things that are hurting me. but it was also filled with allot of emotion. Like pain anger happiness joy. The happiness and joy only came from the fact that I don’t like to show my true colors in the public eye. I don’t want n e one knowing how bad I get. The only reason why I say these things in hear is somewhere in my mind I don’t believe that anyone reads this.
So at work I saw how happy I was getting and noticing that wow this is a big high. Which people would think is a good thing. But knowing my past and who I am. I realized that with this big high their will be a major low to fallow.
so I went home went straight to the computer talked to my cushion a little bit on aim, then went and took a shower. While I was in the shower that major low hit me. I started thinking about everything that was going on and how much I hate my self. but its kind of a contradicting statement. Cuss I do care about my self. So I broke down in the shower. I stayed their for a long time. Then I got out and went back to the computer to find something to listen to just to take my mind off of everyone. But their is nothing. so it lead to the worse part of my night.
I have discovered why people become cutters. at least why I considered it. I actually believed that if I couldn’t take my emotional pain anymore then I should block it out with physical pain. So I found a knife. And I sat their with it. I looked at it for a long time thinking is I really in the mood that I can just take a knife to my self? And I said yes. but I didn’t. See I still have friends and promises that I made to people. And someone else came in to my mind. And how much I wouldn’t want them to find out about it. I’m scared. And relay thinking that I have been betrayed by life.
So I talked to Asher for a little while. He devoted a song to me. "Just wait" by blues traveler. so its a relay touching song. And now I’m kind of depressed about Asher. and how much I owe him for everything that he has done for me. Whish I do owe him.
So I found this music video on my computer. It’s something from china or Japan. I can’t figure it out. but its a love song with a relay interesting video. It’s about this girl that relay falls for this photographer guy. he is one that lives for the fun of it. Races motorcycles and stuff. he relay starts falling for her too. He takes her placeless and does exciting things. Then one night some chemicals from the photo shop falls on her face. She gets sent to the hospital and everything. he gets relay depressed about it knowing that she will most likely never see again. So he goes away in the night running away in pain. So she gets out of the hospital the take the bandages off and she can see just fine. so she goes to his house to find the dude she fell in love with and she’s not their she went to the race track. And she found him sitting starring off in to space. With his dog. she goes to great him but he doesn’t even see her. Turns out he went to the hospital to give his eyes to her so she could see again. And now he’s blind all because he was in love and wanted to give her a gift.
so I sat their and thought about that video and said pretty much if I were in the same situation with the person I’m in love with then yes I would do the same thing. if she needed a new heart I would kill my self just so she could have it. But that’s just the way I am.
Sorry for this depressing post. If anyone is reading this. It’s just something I feel I need to look back on later in life.
So at work I saw how happy I was getting and noticing that wow this is a big high. Which people would think is a good thing. But knowing my past and who I am. I realized that with this big high their will be a major low to fallow.
so I went home went straight to the computer talked to my cushion a little bit on aim, then went and took a shower. While I was in the shower that major low hit me. I started thinking about everything that was going on and how much I hate my self. but its kind of a contradicting statement. Cuss I do care about my self. So I broke down in the shower. I stayed their for a long time. Then I got out and went back to the computer to find something to listen to just to take my mind off of everyone. But their is nothing. so it lead to the worse part of my night.
I have discovered why people become cutters. at least why I considered it. I actually believed that if I couldn’t take my emotional pain anymore then I should block it out with physical pain. So I found a knife. And I sat their with it. I looked at it for a long time thinking is I really in the mood that I can just take a knife to my self? And I said yes. but I didn’t. See I still have friends and promises that I made to people. And someone else came in to my mind. And how much I wouldn’t want them to find out about it. I’m scared. And relay thinking that I have been betrayed by life.
So I talked to Asher for a little while. He devoted a song to me. "Just wait" by blues traveler. so its a relay touching song. And now I’m kind of depressed about Asher. and how much I owe him for everything that he has done for me. Whish I do owe him.
So I found this music video on my computer. It’s something from china or Japan. I can’t figure it out. but its a love song with a relay interesting video. It’s about this girl that relay falls for this photographer guy. he is one that lives for the fun of it. Races motorcycles and stuff. he relay starts falling for her too. He takes her placeless and does exciting things. Then one night some chemicals from the photo shop falls on her face. She gets sent to the hospital and everything. he gets relay depressed about it knowing that she will most likely never see again. So he goes away in the night running away in pain. So she gets out of the hospital the take the bandages off and she can see just fine. so she goes to his house to find the dude she fell in love with and she’s not their she went to the race track. And she found him sitting starring off in to space. With his dog. she goes to great him but he doesn’t even see her. Turns out he went to the hospital to give his eyes to her so she could see again. And now he’s blind all because he was in love and wanted to give her a gift.
so I sat their and thought about that video and said pretty much if I were in the same situation with the person I’m in love with then yes I would do the same thing. if she needed a new heart I would kill my self just so she could have it. But that’s just the way I am.
Sorry for this depressing post. If anyone is reading this. It’s just something I feel I need to look back on later in life.