The Morning After
Characters: Lou Martin and Willow Rosenberg
Rating: PG13
Time Period: Golden Age
Location: Lou's Hotel room
Relative Date: The morning after the party
Status: Finished and closed
Willow's internal alarm clock nudged and poked her into consciousness, despite her best efforts to keep it at bay. She'd already slept enough, it said, time to get up now! She groaned at it, intending to turn around and check the clock to see what time it was. Maybe she could convince it to go back to sleep?
But when she moved she realized that the heat around her wasn't a blanket- it was very much living. Oh? This was strange. Last time she'd woken up like this had been with... Oz. The party last night- Lou; oh God, she thought, remembering skin against skin and intense pleasure. What had happened last night?
Gently she tried to slide off Lou's still sleeping body- maybe if she left before he woke up, she could figure a few things out. Make sense of last night.
Lou stirred to consciousness, the shifting and movement around him and the bed enough to bring him out of the dreams he'd been having. He groaned, putting the heels of his palms to his eyes and rubbing the sleep out of them before actually opening them. When he did, the first thing he saw was Willow's naked butt as she stood up at the edge of his hotel room bed.
While far from the least unpleasant sight to wake up to, it was a bit disorienting. Last night... the memories came back to him in a flood. That whole time he'd been walking around in front of all those strangers completely naked! Oh, god, what the hell? But more importantly, he remembered being naked with Willow, and... well, that part wasn't so bad. He was shocked by how forward he'd been. How... up-front with his feelings. There was a part of him that was kind of impressed with himself at that part. The fact that she'd been so happy to return those feelings was an even bigger shock. One of the most pleasant shocks of his life, not that there was a lot of competition for that trophy.
"Hey," he said, smiling with some mixed emotions, and more than a bit foggy-headed. "Um. Hell of a night, last night, huh?"
Somehow she managed to stifle a shriek when she realized that Lou was awake and talking. Glancing around the room she looked for something to cover herself with- Lou's room, they were in Lou's room, vaguely she remembered something about it being closer than her room two doors down. Wow, they were really into it last night, she remembered. But that seemed... wrong, now.
Quickly she grabbed a shirt hanging off a hook on the wall and wrapped herself in it. It reached down past her knees and the short sleeves almost reached down to her wrists. Obviously, this was Lou's shirt. But it covered her and she quickly buttoned it up.
"Lou," she asked, fearing the answer. And it wasn't like she couldn't see for herself- she knew the stickiness on her body wasn't all sweat. "What... what happened last night?" And she knew that last night wasn't the sort of night she usually enjoyed.
"Um," he sat up, propping himself up on one hand, scratching his scalp idly with the other; trying to sort out his bed-head just a touch. "I don't remember either of us havin' anything to drink or anything." The incongruity of their behaviour last night in light of that fact suddenly came home to him as his mind began to get back to its normal standards of function. "So... are you askin' me for a play by play," he asked, a little awkwardly. "I figure you probably remember it as well as I do." He spent just a moment or two remembering some of the better parts. That first kiss. Cuddling on the couch. All that... other stuff. He blushed, remembering how public it had all been. "I guess we got a bit carried away, huh?"
"Well, that's just the thing, I-" she stopped herself. This was Lou. And as strange and unusual last night had been, she cared about him. The first person she'd met here and he'd been nice. Was, nice. And she didn't want to hurt his feelings by blurting out something she didn't mean. And it wasn't like last night had been bad, just...
"I remember last night. Doing... stuff, with you." Great, now she was blushing. "And you're you, and you're nice and great and kind and kind of adorable when you get all fluster-y but- but, I..." Now she was being the fluster-y one. "I remember last night and it's like I'm remembering someone else doing all that stuff," she admitted, wrapping her hands around her midriff. Sank slowly onto the couch against the wall. "Walking around naked like that? That's not me! I would never do that. Even skanky vampire me didn't walk around all naked like that..." she put her head in her hands trying not to cry.
Lou's heart sank. He wasn't sure what was going on. Hell, he wasn't sure what had gone on last night, exactly, either, but he wasn't given to the sort of detailed self-analysis that would lend itself to very deep thought about it beyond the fact that he'd enjoyed it. But it was pretty obvious that whatever was going on in his head, there was something a whole lot different going on in hers. He had a feeling - a horrible feeling - that there was some pretty bad news coming, and he didn't really know what to do about it. It sounded way too much like there was a "It's not you, it's me" speech coming on, and after just one night... it wasn't fair!
He stood up, wrapping his sheet around his midsection as he did so. He was pretty sure that she wasn't in the mood to be seeing him... like that, right now. He moved over to the couch, sitting down next to her and hoping like hell that she wouldn't flinch from him or tell him to scew off. Uncertainly, and with some hesitation, he put his arm around her shoulder, hoping that she would take the comfort in this that he was trying to offer. He wasn't sure his heart could take it otherwise.
"Listen, I... I wouldn't normally do any of that stuff either. When we walked in there, I thought those guys were all a bunch of perverts or whatever. But, I mean..." he felt his heart in his throat, his voice cracking with concern, and dreading the answer to his next question, "...it was nice... right?"
When the couch depressed beside her, Willow couldn't help but lean into Lou. It was selfish, but she wanted the comfort, wanted to feel like she wasn't a bad person for thinking what she was thinking. That Lou wouldn't hate her for what she was going to say. "It was nice Lou," she agreed softly, knowing he would be able to hear the but that was coming. "But, that, it wasn't me," she admitted. "I'm not that person, not really."
She pulled away. "I just- we shared something special. A special thing that doesn't feel like it was treated as a special thing. Now- it doesn't seem like that now. I've... I've only ever, uh..." What was it Xander had said? If you do the deed you have to be able to say the word? "I've only ever made love with one other person. Last night it was like... it wasn't making love," she whispered. They didn't know each other well enough for that but she still felt guilty for saying it.
"I don't even know if I'm over Oz yet... It's not fair to you."
His heart sank slowly as he listened to her talk. Feeling her leaning into him like that... he didn't know what to think about it. What to feel about it. He wanted to kiss her on her forehead, the way he had last night. He wanted to be able to promise her everything would be alright. That he would be there for her. He wasn't sure that she wanted to feel or hear any of it, though. And so he simply held her close, for all the agonized emotional confusion that it made him feel, just hoping that it might bring her some of the comfort he so desperately wished he was feeling right now himself.
And then that last bit. About Oz.
"I... thought this Oz guy was just some friend of yours," he said, lamely. But of course he wasn't, was he? It could never be as easy or as simple as that. The rest... well, he didn't even know how to address the rest of it until that question was sorted out.
"Oz is... Oz- he was my boyfriend," Willow whispered, pulling her legs up onto the couch and hugging them close. Oh great, now she was crying. Why did it still hurt so much that he'd left her? "He was a werewolf and... there was another one and one night I found them in the cage and they'd been all... wolf-y together and... And then he left and I got this note that said he needed me so I thought that... But he didn't really need me. And I thought he loved me... I loved him so much and he just... he just left me. And then yesterday I was supposed to be looking for him and instead-"
She couldn't say it. "There's something wrong with me."
Oh, god, that was a lot of baggage.
He kept his arm around her shoulder, stroking her arm in what he hoped to god she wouldn't take as some kind of sensual overture on his part. He really didn't have a lot of experience with this kind of thing, but he felt like he needed to do something for her, and he wasn't sure what else he could do except for this and try to be understanding. Even if he felt like he barely understood any of this, himself.
"Listen, I... it sounds to me like the guy's kind of a selfish douchebag. An' I'm sorry if you don't want to hear that about the... the guy you... cared about," he struggled past the words. "An'... I mean, I guess you might think I have some kind of bias here or something, but it sounds to me like he just kinda moved on an' left you in the dust. And," he went on, speaking quickly, hoping not to hurt her any more than he already had, "I mean, what kind of an idiot does he have to be to do that to a sweet, smart, beautiful girl like you? An' then! And then get you trapped here by breakin' your heart and openin' you up to bein' used like that by that friggin' helicopter ticket?"
He sighed heavily, the sound of her weeping like a dagger in his heart, but determined to do some kind of good. "I'm sorry last night wasn't... the way it should have been... between you an' me. But," he paused, steeling himself. He really, really wasn't good at sincerity or opening his heart up like this, and as much as it was hurting right now, he was twice as worried about it. "Whatever else we were doin' last night that was crazy and weird and wrong... I meant what I said last night on the couch. You're the best thing that's happened in my life in forever. If that Oz guy walked away from that, then I say screw him. Or, uh... don't, I guess. You know what I mean," he finished, lamely.
Willow listened to him, trying desperately to quell her tears. "Everyone keeps saying that- that it's his loss. Even Spike last night- oh, God, Spike saw me naked!" That gave her pause. Miserably she pressed her face into her knees- she'd have to talk to him about that. What was wrong with her? "Spike even said that he was the idiot, but... Oz was the first person who ever loved me like that. When I was with him it felt... amazing. Like I didn't have to be the awkward, shy, nerdy girl no one talked to. Buffy and Oz, they're the reason that... you say that I'm the best thing that happened... " It felt so weird to repeat a sentence like that. "Oz was the best thing that happened to me. And everyone tries to make me feel better and say that it's not my fault and that he's the idiot... And I hate that I can't hate him. I mean I do, but I don't." How many nights had she spent trying to figure this out? Too many.
"And I don't want to hurt your feelings Lou," she said sincerely. Why did this have to happen? Why did things like this happened? How was it possible for the body to deal with so much... pain and confusion? "But I don't know if I can... I usually do things in order. By the book. I'm a book type of person. Guidelines are my friends. We have parties. Sometimes we disagree but... I don't know why last night happened the way it did. But it did. And... I don't think it should have."
She was talking a language he barely understood with that last part. Most of his sexual history was just a bunch of drunken, half-remembered hookups at parties, before he ever got the 'enhancement' that had ruined his life. Dating, romance, all of that sort of thing was mostly just something he saw happening on TV to other people. To him, three days of hanging around together, followed by a hookup at a party kind of was as close to romance as he usually got. It was pretty clear, though, that she needed something more. Maybe more than he had to offer. His heart broke just a little bit more at the thought.
Still, there was something in her words that, if he thought about it, felt like it might just contain the faintest glimmer of hope. He chose to cling to it like a man to a life preserver in a stormy sea.
"I'm sorry if... things happened all out of order," he said, gathering his courage and trying to steel himself against one final, crushing disappointment. "But I mean... even if it happened when it shouldn't have, that don't mean it shouldn't have happened at all, right? I mean... what if we were to do it all in the right order, an' see where it went? I mean, I guess," he said, feeling flustered and terribly awkward, blushing as he spoke. "Maybe we could, like... go out for like, dinner and a movie or something? If that'd be alright with you?"
He was trying, she could see that. And it wasn't like he'd taken advantage of her- she'd been just as on the bandwagon as he had been. But there was still so much that didn't make sense. That she didn't understand. It wasn't Lou's fault, but she couldn't help but feel tricked, somehow. Like she'd been forced to do something she hadn't wanted to do, even though she'd enjoyed it. At the time. But now... Oz had been her first, and it had taken months to get to that place. The special place. And with Lou, it had take less than a week. Which hadn't felt wrong at the time but now... she almost felt cheap. Like she'd sold out. Like she'd been someone else.
But Lou was trying. And the last thing she wanted to do was hurt someone who'd been so incredibly kind to her. It wasn't Lou, she realized, it was that right now, she hated herself. "I think... I think I need some time, Lou. To get over Oz," if that could even ever happen. "To... come to terms with last night. Figure out what happened. I do like spending time with you though, I really do. Maybe we could... be friends for now?"
Three days wasn't enough to know someone. And the person last night hadn't been Willow- not really. She couldn't be certain if Lou liked her for her or... for the person she'd been last night.
There it was. The 'I just want to be friends' speech. He tried to endure that third and final knife he felt as it jabbed into his heart, but he couldn't completely hold in the pained sigh that he heard escaping his lungs a moment later.
"It can get lonely here. Like, really, really lonely. You got no idea. There's been like two people I've met in the past half a year that I could even have a decent conversation with, an' I barely spend any time with them. These last three days, with you... I don't know if I can go back to the way things were before you got here. I don't think I even let myself realize how sad an' horrible things were until you showed up an' suddenly, everything started feeling okay. Like, good, even." He sighed again, his shoulders slumping. "I... if I were bein' totally honest, I guess I was kinda hoping that something like what happened last night would happen, sooner or later. An', you know. In private and stuff. But even if it never did, I couldn't stand bein' trapped here and not bein' friends with you. So... if that's how it's gotta be, then I guess that's alright." He could feel his voice catching in his throat as he spoke. "I just hope that ... whatever we could maybe have between us doesn't get screwed up forever just because of something as good as last night felt, you know? I hope that maybe the world can take a break from bein' cruel and weird just long enough to keep that from happenin'."
Willow nodded, trying to blink back more tears. Lou was making her feel even worse, but there wasn't any way she could continue things from last night. It was too sudden, and there was something going on under the surface, something that made it feel... false, despite all the nice warm, intense tingly's she remembered. And after a night like last night, being 'just friends' wasn't going to be easy. Or comfortable, initially. But she wanted to, and maybe Lou would be right- whatever happened between them didn't mean that something couldn't happen in the future. As unlikely as that seemed in her mind, she couldn't deny that it had felt good at the time. Really good.
"I'm sorry," she muttered, wanting to comfort him but unable to do it. She was the cause of this and she couldn't make it better. "I wish it could be different but... it can't. I'm sorry. But I can't be more than just friends right now. It wouldn't be fair, or right."
He nodded, numbly. It seemed the emotional roller-coaster ride that had taken him from thrilling heights last night had come to an end, leaving him to step out of the car at the very bottom once again. He felt tears begin to spill from his eyes, rolling down his cheeks. "I'm sorry, too," he said, looking away.
She was supposed to comfort him right now, make him feel better. That's what friends did, wasn't it? Made them feel better when they were sad, had their back no matter what. Bad-mouthed the person who upset them to make them feel better, even if they didn't really mean it. She couldn't be his friend right now. Not for this. It would be a lie, and she'd made enough trouble for the time being. Screwed enough stuff up.
The hand that hovered over his arm pulled away and she pushed herself off the couch. "I guess I should, uh... leave, now. Leaving would be good, right? Right," she said without waiting for an answer. And what else was there to say? Nothing. Better she leave before ruining their chances at a friendship. If she was making the right choice, why did it feel so horrible?
"I'll.. see you," she muttered, her voice catching. Her shoulders were beginning to shake and she knew operation curl-up-in-bed-and-never-get-up-again was going to commence as soon as she got back to her room. Alone. Quickly she crossed to the door and opened it, stepping out into the hall, her eyes closed tightly.
He didn't even have it in him to watch her go. He couldn't stand it. Not right now. As he heard the door closing behind her, he slumped forwards, head hung low, as he contemplated the real-and-growing possibility of spending as many years here as Jack already had, with nothing more than the memory of three glorious days to keep him company, mocking him in the cold and cruel lonliness that those years would otherwise contain.
That, and the sound of his tears as they hit his hotel room floor.
Rating: PG13
Time Period: Golden Age
Location: Lou's Hotel room
Relative Date: The morning after the party
Status: Finished and closed
Willow's internal alarm clock nudged and poked her into consciousness, despite her best efforts to keep it at bay. She'd already slept enough, it said, time to get up now! She groaned at it, intending to turn around and check the clock to see what time it was. Maybe she could convince it to go back to sleep?
But when she moved she realized that the heat around her wasn't a blanket- it was very much living. Oh? This was strange. Last time she'd woken up like this had been with... Oz. The party last night- Lou; oh God, she thought, remembering skin against skin and intense pleasure. What had happened last night?
Gently she tried to slide off Lou's still sleeping body- maybe if she left before he woke up, she could figure a few things out. Make sense of last night.
Lou stirred to consciousness, the shifting and movement around him and the bed enough to bring him out of the dreams he'd been having. He groaned, putting the heels of his palms to his eyes and rubbing the sleep out of them before actually opening them. When he did, the first thing he saw was Willow's naked butt as she stood up at the edge of his hotel room bed.
While far from the least unpleasant sight to wake up to, it was a bit disorienting. Last night... the memories came back to him in a flood. That whole time he'd been walking around in front of all those strangers completely naked! Oh, god, what the hell? But more importantly, he remembered being naked with Willow, and... well, that part wasn't so bad. He was shocked by how forward he'd been. How... up-front with his feelings. There was a part of him that was kind of impressed with himself at that part. The fact that she'd been so happy to return those feelings was an even bigger shock. One of the most pleasant shocks of his life, not that there was a lot of competition for that trophy.
"Hey," he said, smiling with some mixed emotions, and more than a bit foggy-headed. "Um. Hell of a night, last night, huh?"
Somehow she managed to stifle a shriek when she realized that Lou was awake and talking. Glancing around the room she looked for something to cover herself with- Lou's room, they were in Lou's room, vaguely she remembered something about it being closer than her room two doors down. Wow, they were really into it last night, she remembered. But that seemed... wrong, now.
Quickly she grabbed a shirt hanging off a hook on the wall and wrapped herself in it. It reached down past her knees and the short sleeves almost reached down to her wrists. Obviously, this was Lou's shirt. But it covered her and she quickly buttoned it up.
"Lou," she asked, fearing the answer. And it wasn't like she couldn't see for herself- she knew the stickiness on her body wasn't all sweat. "What... what happened last night?" And she knew that last night wasn't the sort of night she usually enjoyed.
"Um," he sat up, propping himself up on one hand, scratching his scalp idly with the other; trying to sort out his bed-head just a touch. "I don't remember either of us havin' anything to drink or anything." The incongruity of their behaviour last night in light of that fact suddenly came home to him as his mind began to get back to its normal standards of function. "So... are you askin' me for a play by play," he asked, a little awkwardly. "I figure you probably remember it as well as I do." He spent just a moment or two remembering some of the better parts. That first kiss. Cuddling on the couch. All that... other stuff. He blushed, remembering how public it had all been. "I guess we got a bit carried away, huh?"
"Well, that's just the thing, I-" she stopped herself. This was Lou. And as strange and unusual last night had been, she cared about him. The first person she'd met here and he'd been nice. Was, nice. And she didn't want to hurt his feelings by blurting out something she didn't mean. And it wasn't like last night had been bad, just...
"I remember last night. Doing... stuff, with you." Great, now she was blushing. "And you're you, and you're nice and great and kind and kind of adorable when you get all fluster-y but- but, I..." Now she was being the fluster-y one. "I remember last night and it's like I'm remembering someone else doing all that stuff," she admitted, wrapping her hands around her midriff. Sank slowly onto the couch against the wall. "Walking around naked like that? That's not me! I would never do that. Even skanky vampire me didn't walk around all naked like that..." she put her head in her hands trying not to cry.
Lou's heart sank. He wasn't sure what was going on. Hell, he wasn't sure what had gone on last night, exactly, either, but he wasn't given to the sort of detailed self-analysis that would lend itself to very deep thought about it beyond the fact that he'd enjoyed it. But it was pretty obvious that whatever was going on in his head, there was something a whole lot different going on in hers. He had a feeling - a horrible feeling - that there was some pretty bad news coming, and he didn't really know what to do about it. It sounded way too much like there was a "It's not you, it's me" speech coming on, and after just one night... it wasn't fair!
He stood up, wrapping his sheet around his midsection as he did so. He was pretty sure that she wasn't in the mood to be seeing him... like that, right now. He moved over to the couch, sitting down next to her and hoping like hell that she wouldn't flinch from him or tell him to scew off. Uncertainly, and with some hesitation, he put his arm around her shoulder, hoping that she would take the comfort in this that he was trying to offer. He wasn't sure his heart could take it otherwise.
"Listen, I... I wouldn't normally do any of that stuff either. When we walked in there, I thought those guys were all a bunch of perverts or whatever. But, I mean..." he felt his heart in his throat, his voice cracking with concern, and dreading the answer to his next question, "...it was nice... right?"
When the couch depressed beside her, Willow couldn't help but lean into Lou. It was selfish, but she wanted the comfort, wanted to feel like she wasn't a bad person for thinking what she was thinking. That Lou wouldn't hate her for what she was going to say. "It was nice Lou," she agreed softly, knowing he would be able to hear the but that was coming. "But, that, it wasn't me," she admitted. "I'm not that person, not really."
She pulled away. "I just- we shared something special. A special thing that doesn't feel like it was treated as a special thing. Now- it doesn't seem like that now. I've... I've only ever, uh..." What was it Xander had said? If you do the deed you have to be able to say the word? "I've only ever made love with one other person. Last night it was like... it wasn't making love," she whispered. They didn't know each other well enough for that but she still felt guilty for saying it.
"I don't even know if I'm over Oz yet... It's not fair to you."
His heart sank slowly as he listened to her talk. Feeling her leaning into him like that... he didn't know what to think about it. What to feel about it. He wanted to kiss her on her forehead, the way he had last night. He wanted to be able to promise her everything would be alright. That he would be there for her. He wasn't sure that she wanted to feel or hear any of it, though. And so he simply held her close, for all the agonized emotional confusion that it made him feel, just hoping that it might bring her some of the comfort he so desperately wished he was feeling right now himself.
And then that last bit. About Oz.
"I... thought this Oz guy was just some friend of yours," he said, lamely. But of course he wasn't, was he? It could never be as easy or as simple as that. The rest... well, he didn't even know how to address the rest of it until that question was sorted out.
"Oz is... Oz- he was my boyfriend," Willow whispered, pulling her legs up onto the couch and hugging them close. Oh great, now she was crying. Why did it still hurt so much that he'd left her? "He was a werewolf and... there was another one and one night I found them in the cage and they'd been all... wolf-y together and... And then he left and I got this note that said he needed me so I thought that... But he didn't really need me. And I thought he loved me... I loved him so much and he just... he just left me. And then yesterday I was supposed to be looking for him and instead-"
She couldn't say it. "There's something wrong with me."
Oh, god, that was a lot of baggage.
He kept his arm around her shoulder, stroking her arm in what he hoped to god she wouldn't take as some kind of sensual overture on his part. He really didn't have a lot of experience with this kind of thing, but he felt like he needed to do something for her, and he wasn't sure what else he could do except for this and try to be understanding. Even if he felt like he barely understood any of this, himself.
"Listen, I... it sounds to me like the guy's kind of a selfish douchebag. An' I'm sorry if you don't want to hear that about the... the guy you... cared about," he struggled past the words. "An'... I mean, I guess you might think I have some kind of bias here or something, but it sounds to me like he just kinda moved on an' left you in the dust. And," he went on, speaking quickly, hoping not to hurt her any more than he already had, "I mean, what kind of an idiot does he have to be to do that to a sweet, smart, beautiful girl like you? An' then! And then get you trapped here by breakin' your heart and openin' you up to bein' used like that by that friggin' helicopter ticket?"
He sighed heavily, the sound of her weeping like a dagger in his heart, but determined to do some kind of good. "I'm sorry last night wasn't... the way it should have been... between you an' me. But," he paused, steeling himself. He really, really wasn't good at sincerity or opening his heart up like this, and as much as it was hurting right now, he was twice as worried about it. "Whatever else we were doin' last night that was crazy and weird and wrong... I meant what I said last night on the couch. You're the best thing that's happened in my life in forever. If that Oz guy walked away from that, then I say screw him. Or, uh... don't, I guess. You know what I mean," he finished, lamely.
Willow listened to him, trying desperately to quell her tears. "Everyone keeps saying that- that it's his loss. Even Spike last night- oh, God, Spike saw me naked!" That gave her pause. Miserably she pressed her face into her knees- she'd have to talk to him about that. What was wrong with her? "Spike even said that he was the idiot, but... Oz was the first person who ever loved me like that. When I was with him it felt... amazing. Like I didn't have to be the awkward, shy, nerdy girl no one talked to. Buffy and Oz, they're the reason that... you say that I'm the best thing that happened... " It felt so weird to repeat a sentence like that. "Oz was the best thing that happened to me. And everyone tries to make me feel better and say that it's not my fault and that he's the idiot... And I hate that I can't hate him. I mean I do, but I don't." How many nights had she spent trying to figure this out? Too many.
"And I don't want to hurt your feelings Lou," she said sincerely. Why did this have to happen? Why did things like this happened? How was it possible for the body to deal with so much... pain and confusion? "But I don't know if I can... I usually do things in order. By the book. I'm a book type of person. Guidelines are my friends. We have parties. Sometimes we disagree but... I don't know why last night happened the way it did. But it did. And... I don't think it should have."
She was talking a language he barely understood with that last part. Most of his sexual history was just a bunch of drunken, half-remembered hookups at parties, before he ever got the 'enhancement' that had ruined his life. Dating, romance, all of that sort of thing was mostly just something he saw happening on TV to other people. To him, three days of hanging around together, followed by a hookup at a party kind of was as close to romance as he usually got. It was pretty clear, though, that she needed something more. Maybe more than he had to offer. His heart broke just a little bit more at the thought.
Still, there was something in her words that, if he thought about it, felt like it might just contain the faintest glimmer of hope. He chose to cling to it like a man to a life preserver in a stormy sea.
"I'm sorry if... things happened all out of order," he said, gathering his courage and trying to steel himself against one final, crushing disappointment. "But I mean... even if it happened when it shouldn't have, that don't mean it shouldn't have happened at all, right? I mean... what if we were to do it all in the right order, an' see where it went? I mean, I guess," he said, feeling flustered and terribly awkward, blushing as he spoke. "Maybe we could, like... go out for like, dinner and a movie or something? If that'd be alright with you?"
He was trying, she could see that. And it wasn't like he'd taken advantage of her- she'd been just as on the bandwagon as he had been. But there was still so much that didn't make sense. That she didn't understand. It wasn't Lou's fault, but she couldn't help but feel tricked, somehow. Like she'd been forced to do something she hadn't wanted to do, even though she'd enjoyed it. At the time. But now... Oz had been her first, and it had taken months to get to that place. The special place. And with Lou, it had take less than a week. Which hadn't felt wrong at the time but now... she almost felt cheap. Like she'd sold out. Like she'd been someone else.
But Lou was trying. And the last thing she wanted to do was hurt someone who'd been so incredibly kind to her. It wasn't Lou, she realized, it was that right now, she hated herself. "I think... I think I need some time, Lou. To get over Oz," if that could even ever happen. "To... come to terms with last night. Figure out what happened. I do like spending time with you though, I really do. Maybe we could... be friends for now?"
Three days wasn't enough to know someone. And the person last night hadn't been Willow- not really. She couldn't be certain if Lou liked her for her or... for the person she'd been last night.
There it was. The 'I just want to be friends' speech. He tried to endure that third and final knife he felt as it jabbed into his heart, but he couldn't completely hold in the pained sigh that he heard escaping his lungs a moment later.
"It can get lonely here. Like, really, really lonely. You got no idea. There's been like two people I've met in the past half a year that I could even have a decent conversation with, an' I barely spend any time with them. These last three days, with you... I don't know if I can go back to the way things were before you got here. I don't think I even let myself realize how sad an' horrible things were until you showed up an' suddenly, everything started feeling okay. Like, good, even." He sighed again, his shoulders slumping. "I... if I were bein' totally honest, I guess I was kinda hoping that something like what happened last night would happen, sooner or later. An', you know. In private and stuff. But even if it never did, I couldn't stand bein' trapped here and not bein' friends with you. So... if that's how it's gotta be, then I guess that's alright." He could feel his voice catching in his throat as he spoke. "I just hope that ... whatever we could maybe have between us doesn't get screwed up forever just because of something as good as last night felt, you know? I hope that maybe the world can take a break from bein' cruel and weird just long enough to keep that from happenin'."
Willow nodded, trying to blink back more tears. Lou was making her feel even worse, but there wasn't any way she could continue things from last night. It was too sudden, and there was something going on under the surface, something that made it feel... false, despite all the nice warm, intense tingly's she remembered. And after a night like last night, being 'just friends' wasn't going to be easy. Or comfortable, initially. But she wanted to, and maybe Lou would be right- whatever happened between them didn't mean that something couldn't happen in the future. As unlikely as that seemed in her mind, she couldn't deny that it had felt good at the time. Really good.
"I'm sorry," she muttered, wanting to comfort him but unable to do it. She was the cause of this and she couldn't make it better. "I wish it could be different but... it can't. I'm sorry. But I can't be more than just friends right now. It wouldn't be fair, or right."
He nodded, numbly. It seemed the emotional roller-coaster ride that had taken him from thrilling heights last night had come to an end, leaving him to step out of the car at the very bottom once again. He felt tears begin to spill from his eyes, rolling down his cheeks. "I'm sorry, too," he said, looking away.
She was supposed to comfort him right now, make him feel better. That's what friends did, wasn't it? Made them feel better when they were sad, had their back no matter what. Bad-mouthed the person who upset them to make them feel better, even if they didn't really mean it. She couldn't be his friend right now. Not for this. It would be a lie, and she'd made enough trouble for the time being. Screwed enough stuff up.
The hand that hovered over his arm pulled away and she pushed herself off the couch. "I guess I should, uh... leave, now. Leaving would be good, right? Right," she said without waiting for an answer. And what else was there to say? Nothing. Better she leave before ruining their chances at a friendship. If she was making the right choice, why did it feel so horrible?
"I'll.. see you," she muttered, her voice catching. Her shoulders were beginning to shake and she knew operation curl-up-in-bed-and-never-get-up-again was going to commence as soon as she got back to her room. Alone. Quickly she crossed to the door and opened it, stepping out into the hall, her eyes closed tightly.
He didn't even have it in him to watch her go. He couldn't stand it. Not right now. As he heard the door closing behind her, he slumped forwards, head hung low, as he contemplated the real-and-growing possibility of spending as many years here as Jack already had, with nothing more than the memory of three glorious days to keep him company, mocking him in the cold and cruel lonliness that those years would otherwise contain.
That, and the sound of his tears as they hit his hotel room floor.