Yay! I have a new hobby!
Mark and I drove down to Iowa last night to pick up our wedding gift from my paranoid-schizophrenic grandfather, and guess what it was! My very own sewing machine! Yay! A new hobby! Hopefully I don't suck at it...
What an opening sentence that was, eh? But, really. It's true. My grandfather is paranoid-schizophrenic. I can prove it: as we were leaving, he told me not to pull over if a car flashed their headlights at me, because he was absolutely sure that his 60-year-old neighbor lady was trying to get our license plate number. He said she spies on him all the time, and that she's up to no good. It's very very sad that the only inheritance I will ever get from that man is a debilitating mental disorder. Ah well... He's kind of funny, in his own, ultra-paranoid way.
My cousin and I once discussed what we thought would be the best mental disorder to end up with, and it was this: plain old schizophrenia. Not paranoid schizophrenia. Just the regular type. Because one of the symptoms is "delusions of grandeur." Now, what could be better (besides actually living a life of grandeur) than believing you were living in grandeur? I mean, you could be completely positive that you were Cleopatra reincarnate, seeking to regain your Egyptian throne...or that you are a dragon hunter, or something wonderfully adventurous. Everyone else may think you're crazy, but what does it matter if you're happy with your grandeur, eh?
The worst, of course, would be paranoid schizophrenia (which I will probably end up with), and you kill yourself because you believe everyone else wants to do it, so you beat them to the job, just out of spite. No, really. My grandpa has 6 locks on his front door and doesn't sleep at night because he believes people are trying to steal his crappy old car. My mom, her brother and her sister are, at this very moment, trying to plot a way to trick him into taking medication for his problem, because he wouldn't do it if they just came right out and asked him to. He doesn't trust them. He thinks they're trying to kill him...or at least brainwash him. What a way to end up... I'll probably be eighty years old and believe zombies are hiding behind every corner, waiting to tear my throat out...or something wonderful like that.
I think I have discovered my two greatest fears, by the way:
1. The unknown (aka: the afterlife, the dark, etc.)
2. Zombies.
God, zombies are frightening.
But, anyway. Back to my sewing machine. I have no idea what I'm going to do first, because I can't remember worth a crap how to use the damn things. Mark says I should try to make some curtains first, 1) because they're simple, and 2) because our windows are currently gaping portals into the abyss (at least at nighttime) and we need to cover them up, because they agitate my paranoia. Yess, yess.
You know what this means, though? It means that, perhaps, I will finally realize my childhood dream and sew a Renaissance dress! Hurrah! Huzzah! Now that I have a sewing machine, all I need is all the other materials! Whoopee! But yes... it's great.
Hmmm...these advertisements on the side of my screen are trying to get me to buy a Very Rare DISCWORLD CANDLE (I don't capitalize because this excites me, only because that's how it's typed in the ad) from ebay. Not likely.
Oh, did I mention I'm a Barnes and Noble member now? Another of our fantabulous wedding gifts. We also got 6 sets of measuring cups, 5 cutting boards, a million dish cloths, and a partridge in a pear tree... No, not really. At least, to the partridge in a pear tree part. We did actually get 6 sets of measuring cups. Our kitchen is the most furnished room in our house. Sadly, because we cannot sleep in the kitchen. Well, we could, but it would be bloody uncomfortable...
Umm...yes. I'm just wasting time now because I don't want to go home and sit alone, all by myself, with nothing to do... Argh... Only another hour and a half before Mark gets home and we can go get groceries! Yay! Grocery shopping is tremendous fun. Seriously.
Oh, and everyone needs to listen to the comedian Mike Birbiglia, because he is hilarious!
And "The Mariner's Revenge Song," by The Decemberists, because it is the best song I've ever heard that features the accordion.
What an opening sentence that was, eh? But, really. It's true. My grandfather is paranoid-schizophrenic. I can prove it: as we were leaving, he told me not to pull over if a car flashed their headlights at me, because he was absolutely sure that his 60-year-old neighbor lady was trying to get our license plate number. He said she spies on him all the time, and that she's up to no good. It's very very sad that the only inheritance I will ever get from that man is a debilitating mental disorder. Ah well... He's kind of funny, in his own, ultra-paranoid way.
My cousin and I once discussed what we thought would be the best mental disorder to end up with, and it was this: plain old schizophrenia. Not paranoid schizophrenia. Just the regular type. Because one of the symptoms is "delusions of grandeur." Now, what could be better (besides actually living a life of grandeur) than believing you were living in grandeur? I mean, you could be completely positive that you were Cleopatra reincarnate, seeking to regain your Egyptian throne...or that you are a dragon hunter, or something wonderfully adventurous. Everyone else may think you're crazy, but what does it matter if you're happy with your grandeur, eh?
The worst, of course, would be paranoid schizophrenia (which I will probably end up with), and you kill yourself because you believe everyone else wants to do it, so you beat them to the job, just out of spite. No, really. My grandpa has 6 locks on his front door and doesn't sleep at night because he believes people are trying to steal his crappy old car. My mom, her brother and her sister are, at this very moment, trying to plot a way to trick him into taking medication for his problem, because he wouldn't do it if they just came right out and asked him to. He doesn't trust them. He thinks they're trying to kill him...or at least brainwash him. What a way to end up... I'll probably be eighty years old and believe zombies are hiding behind every corner, waiting to tear my throat out...or something wonderful like that.
I think I have discovered my two greatest fears, by the way:
1. The unknown (aka: the afterlife, the dark, etc.)
2. Zombies.
God, zombies are frightening.
But, anyway. Back to my sewing machine. I have no idea what I'm going to do first, because I can't remember worth a crap how to use the damn things. Mark says I should try to make some curtains first, 1) because they're simple, and 2) because our windows are currently gaping portals into the abyss (at least at nighttime) and we need to cover them up, because they agitate my paranoia. Yess, yess.
You know what this means, though? It means that, perhaps, I will finally realize my childhood dream and sew a Renaissance dress! Hurrah! Huzzah! Now that I have a sewing machine, all I need is all the other materials! Whoopee! But yes... it's great.
Hmmm...these advertisements on the side of my screen are trying to get me to buy a Very Rare DISCWORLD CANDLE (I don't capitalize because this excites me, only because that's how it's typed in the ad) from ebay. Not likely.
Oh, did I mention I'm a Barnes and Noble member now? Another of our fantabulous wedding gifts. We also got 6 sets of measuring cups, 5 cutting boards, a million dish cloths, and a partridge in a pear tree... No, not really. At least, to the partridge in a pear tree part. We did actually get 6 sets of measuring cups. Our kitchen is the most furnished room in our house. Sadly, because we cannot sleep in the kitchen. Well, we could, but it would be bloody uncomfortable...
Umm...yes. I'm just wasting time now because I don't want to go home and sit alone, all by myself, with nothing to do... Argh... Only another hour and a half before Mark gets home and we can go get groceries! Yay! Grocery shopping is tremendous fun. Seriously.
Oh, and everyone needs to listen to the comedian Mike Birbiglia, because he is hilarious!
And "The Mariner's Revenge Song," by The Decemberists, because it is the best song I've ever heard that features the accordion.