(no subject)
it was a bad dream...
and even worse when i realized i wasn't waking up.
work was awful. at one point i literally had 17 different people asking me for something. the most irritating thing are people shouting my name when i'm talking to another table. YOU ARE NOT MY ONLY FUCKING TABLE AND IT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT YOUR TURN.
you wonder sometimes if the money is really worth it. i try, i really do try to stop and say "ok, you'll get through this....breathe in through the nose...out through the mouth....but HOW do you want to get through this?" that's kind of what i need to ask myself right now in life. ok, i will get through this mad job-hunt and feeling lonely and worthless and incompetent and fat and useless and ugly time in my life... I WILL... but how do i want to get through it? I could either A. stress the fuck out about not having a job, to the point i bitch out family and friends, break up with the last man whom will ever love me.... or B. relax and know that it will all come together.
i chose A.
i dont know any other way in life than to stress out.
and everytime i talk to my sisters, i am reminded why i am the way i am.
i am talking to cheryl on the phone yesterday and she is crying because edison is being a little terror.... and he won't go to bed. and i'm laughing at her, "HE IS ONE... you have 17 more years of ups and downs so you better get a grip on this..."
not having kids.
not gonna do it.
although they make me smile. man, kids. if i could trust that my husband could support me and my baby, i would gladly have one, get a nanny and go to the gym 7 days a week and fantasize about how i want to get it on with my personal trainer.
hmmm.
i'm so hurt right now. i close my eyes when i am around you and i try to think about what it was like when we were together. i keep forgetting it's not there anywhere. sometimes i just want you to put your lips on my forehead in the middle of work. smile. tell me to call you after work. maybe even grab my ass.
i don't think you understand, though, all of this. i wasn't entertained. i need someone to pick me off my feet and say "this is where we are going, this is what we are doing." i need someone to throw concert tickets at my face..... i need you to plan a long weekend. i need you to show me your favorite place. to take me for ice cream and stop having me make the decisions. is that awful? is it horrible that everything else clicked, physically and emotionally but that i was bored? i kept having visions of the part of the movie in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where they are eating dinner, silent, having nothing to say, and jim carreys voice over talks about at what point of your relationship are you in when you get to that "silent -hate-your-wife-restaurant-goer"
yuck.
i hate everything right now.
i had fun last night... dancing. just dancing. with my girls and all.
and it's things like that i would enjoy more often. but you don't do things. there's a big world out there.... i want to explore it. i want to share it with someone. and i'm not incapable of it... i just need someone up for the challenge.
i am sorry i'm bitter.
maybe it's the period.
maybe i was born this way.
and even worse when i realized i wasn't waking up.
work was awful. at one point i literally had 17 different people asking me for something. the most irritating thing are people shouting my name when i'm talking to another table. YOU ARE NOT MY ONLY FUCKING TABLE AND IT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT YOUR TURN.
you wonder sometimes if the money is really worth it. i try, i really do try to stop and say "ok, you'll get through this....breathe in through the nose...out through the mouth....but HOW do you want to get through this?" that's kind of what i need to ask myself right now in life. ok, i will get through this mad job-hunt and feeling lonely and worthless and incompetent and fat and useless and ugly time in my life... I WILL... but how do i want to get through it? I could either A. stress the fuck out about not having a job, to the point i bitch out family and friends, break up with the last man whom will ever love me.... or B. relax and know that it will all come together.
i chose A.
i dont know any other way in life than to stress out.
and everytime i talk to my sisters, i am reminded why i am the way i am.
i am talking to cheryl on the phone yesterday and she is crying because edison is being a little terror.... and he won't go to bed. and i'm laughing at her, "HE IS ONE... you have 17 more years of ups and downs so you better get a grip on this..."
not having kids.
not gonna do it.
although they make me smile. man, kids. if i could trust that my husband could support me and my baby, i would gladly have one, get a nanny and go to the gym 7 days a week and fantasize about how i want to get it on with my personal trainer.
hmmm.
i'm so hurt right now. i close my eyes when i am around you and i try to think about what it was like when we were together. i keep forgetting it's not there anywhere. sometimes i just want you to put your lips on my forehead in the middle of work. smile. tell me to call you after work. maybe even grab my ass.
i don't think you understand, though, all of this. i wasn't entertained. i need someone to pick me off my feet and say "this is where we are going, this is what we are doing." i need someone to throw concert tickets at my face..... i need you to plan a long weekend. i need you to show me your favorite place. to take me for ice cream and stop having me make the decisions. is that awful? is it horrible that everything else clicked, physically and emotionally but that i was bored? i kept having visions of the part of the movie in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where they are eating dinner, silent, having nothing to say, and jim carreys voice over talks about at what point of your relationship are you in when you get to that "silent -hate-your-wife-restaurant-goer"
yuck.
i hate everything right now.
i had fun last night... dancing. just dancing. with my girls and all.
and it's things like that i would enjoy more often. but you don't do things. there's a big world out there.... i want to explore it. i want to share it with someone. and i'm not incapable of it... i just need someone up for the challenge.
i am sorry i'm bitter.
maybe it's the period.
maybe i was born this way.