(no subject)
Oh wow...
I found my box of Adam stuff while I was at my mom's today and I was looking through it.
There's pages and pages of notes we wrote back and forth, poems, drawings, etc.
Considering how pissed off at Adam I am right now, I don't know whether to laugh or cry..
Here's some highlights:
"All good things must come to an end.
Why.
I hate that rule.
BYE" - Adam
---------------------------------------------------------
"muffin, buttercup, babes, hun, hunns, hunner, love, lover, babe, boo boo kitty fuck, Ash, Asslee, Shlee, Aunt Ashwee, Ashwee, I can't think...
IF I HAD ASHLEY I WOULD DIE HAPPY"
---------------------------------------------------------
Adam: "..you sure you don't want a break?"
Me: "Yes. Do you?"
Adam: "I dunno."
Me: "That's a yes."
Adam: "No, that's a "i'm considering the pros and cons." And I don't mean a break with other people. Or talking to girls/boys."
Me: "Then what's a break to you?"
Adam: "Just not spending every waking minute together. i guess you would say space. Or something."
Me: "If space is what you want, fine."
Adam: "I didn't say that. All I asked was your opinion and said I had thought about it."
Me: "Well if thats what you want, I'm fine with it."
Adam: "Oh? Sounds like thats what you want? Do you want me to be away a lot?"
Me: "No, but if you want to do that..ok."
Adam: "Well I don't but you make it seem like you do. So.."
Me: "You brought it up."
Adam: "Ok."
*There is a perfect example of one of our little arguments. Arguing in circles, going nowhere, Adam turning things around, twisting things. This is why we never resolved anything. Ever.
---------------------------------------------------------
*a poem by me, that was in there.. about adam of course*
"From the hidden caverns of my mind
Come the deepest, darkest thoughts
Thoughts of you putting the knife in my back
Thoughts of you kicking me when I'm down
Thoughts of you throwing it all away
These are the thoughts that keep me up at night
These are the thoughts that keep me from ever trusting you
These are the thoughts that will destroy me
These are the thoughts that will shut me down
These are the thoughts that will let us fall apart
I don't like this feeling of thinking you're doing me wrong
Thinking you're not telling me everything...
Thinking you're hurting me without so much as a second thought.
These are the thoughts that are destroying us."
*another one*
"With a look, a touch, a single spoken word
You can make or break my day
You occupy my mind in a way that's not right or healthy
You don't know how much I wish.. things were different
And I'll never tell you how much you mean to me
Not ever."
*aaaand another*
"With all I've given you and how much I've tried
This will never work
Was it worth it? All I've done?
Now is the time for regret:
Regretting things I didn't do, things I didn't say
Regretting things I shouldn't have done, but did them anyway
I loved you until I had no more love to give and back again
You did things to make me hate you, but I loved you instead
I DIDN'T DESERVE THIS!"
---------------------------------------------------------
Adam: "Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with little/no trust?"
Me: "I can't not."
Adam: "If you didn't want to be, you don't have to be."
Me: "I want to be, I have to be."
Adam: "So you mean if you want to be in a relationship, you HAVE to be?"
Me: "No, I mean I HAVE to be with you."
Adam: "Why? You make it sound like you don't wanna be."
Me: "I do want to. I'm just saying that I have to."
Adam: "I dont know what you mean. Why do you have to?"
Me: "Because I can't live without you, trust or no trust."
---------------------------------------------------------
Me: "You give me genuine happiness
on a day filled with plastic smiles.
If I had all the money in the world,
I would buy you the life you deserve.
and Ashley's idea of perfection
isn't half of what you are to me."
---------------------------------------------------------
*a poem adam wrote me, in the "book" he made me*
"i lie here
aching for your medicinal touch
to hear your voice thru my ears
like that of a harp in a music ball
i have been waiting for what seems like years
Oh, I wish my dady to be
curled in a ball, inside you
without a care in the world
a utopian dream. together, you and me
looking up to the sky
eyes gazing into the stars
in them, a reflection of the beauty
that is you.
your presence is felt.
yet a cold distance is between us
the star descends upon me
as it seeks to be my guide
i try to comprehend
but something stops me
something inside
what it is, i do not know
this newfound uncertainty creeps upon me
like shadows lurking on the ground
blurring my vision
my mind wanders among the clouds
intoxicated by this feeling
i grasp onto what i have left
my heart stops
i take my last breath..
i open my eyes and there you are
looking at me with the curiousity of a child
or of a kitten
you put your arms around me
and together we drift off
back to sleep
in complete harmony"
---------------------------------------------------------
*some random notes/drawings*
"B
Shlee
Prego Bruce
ummmm
bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzppptt
Bruce
Dorky Romanto"
*THIS IS MY FAVORITE CONVERSATION*
Adam: "Sauce is teh badd speele then sockman!"
Me: "No comprende?"
Adam: "Sauce isn't the boss with pants cuz she cannot out speel sockman stoopid!"
Me: "Yes I can SOCKMAN"
Adam: "nope jew kannet"
Me: "Yes huh poopy pants with your hand in my bra"
Adam: "mucho chohonies are pewp fee dank jew.
and sauce don't wear bras. The bra mosquito does."
Me: "haha not right now he doesn't. right now he's a poopy pants wearing mosquito."
Adam: "nont uh. hes a no pant bra eating pimp juice."
Me: "Pffft nuh uh he's a poopy pants wearing mosquito biter machine with no legs.
And definitely no pimp juice."
Adam: "lmao. i gotta poop."
---------------------------------------------------------
*ANOTHER OF MY FAVORITES*
Adam: "*ARO drawing* BAHHH SHHH SASHRING.
Japan 4.
nom yo ho rang gay quo!"
Me: "quo gay ran ho yo nom!"
Adam: "SASHRING! booya shishoo studder.
Ike no slam stitch!
ridin on a handle bare, toothpick twig!"
---------------------------------------------------------