pikasu
in
crosswards
if we all believe (jaejoong/yoochun)
if we all believe l jaejoong/yoochun, pg, romangst(?), 681w
yoochun learns how to believe.
*
+
yoochun starts by burning all his cigarettes.
"jaejoong says they're bad," he tells his mother, idly shoving them into the fire, watching the whites turn to black, crumble at the edges and reduce to ashes.
his mother looks at him, lips pressed, and just sighs. perhaps it's a good thing after all.
+
then he stops drinking altogether.
it would've given his head a little more clarity, without the alcohol. junsu and yunho both nod in approval at yoochun's changing habits. "you seem better," they'd remark. yoochun will nod and smile politely because that's what he's supposed to do to feel like he's good again.
(most times he still feels more drunk than sober though.)
+
he goes to church on sundays.
jaejoong would've laughed at him, seeing yoochun pry over hymms and prayers.
yoochun still sings them anyway.
+
yoochun makes it through the year.
+
a new habit kicks in: rooftops at dawn.
being closer to the sky makes him calm. and the view makes him feel like there's nothing to stop him. somehow he feels free, though he's looking at the same city, the same cars and living the same suffocating life.
and there's something about watching the sun rise, realizing a new day has arrived. like a new beginning. like yoochun had died and was reborn again.
"i hope you're doing well," he says everytime. because he doesn't want the new him to forget. he could never.
+
yoochun stops swearing altogether mid-june.
"thank you," yoochun murmurs to his mother, who freezes mid-step. she shakes it off with a smile, and a hurried "you're welcome".
he gets an extra slice of cake during dinner.
+
the only thing he can't quit is composing.
so yoochun writes lyrics straight through the night. but he will never finish the pieces. he tells himself and everyone else that he doesn't know how to.
(inside, he knows that he just doesn't want to say goodbye.)
+
he drives straight into the night.
the stereo blares tracks from the eighties - just like how jaejoong adores. yoochun hums along to them, tune mixed with a little disbelief that jaejoong's voice isn't here to harmonize with his own.
"but life just ain't fair," yoochun hums, driving along the highways. the streetlamps glow so bright it burns through the darkness of the night, like a path to yoochun's heart. like a string leading him to jaejoong.
+
yoochun still remembers that night.
jaejoong on his bed, grinning lazily as they kissed, legs entwined. "love you," he whispers, breath catching onto yoochun's lashes. his hands stroking yoochun's hair, soft and gentle. the music blares and the cigarette buds litter the floor. yoochun sighs and rolls over.
"love you too," yoochun murmurs.
"even when i'm gone?" jaejoong teases.
"stupid," he says, digging his toes into jaejoong's flesh, earning a squeal before he is tackled onto the bed again. they're a mess of limbs and clothes. yoochun clutches onto jaejoong's shirt tighter than ever.
he's never letting go.
+
one more year and yoochun thinks he's doing all right.
but he can't lie. liars don't get to feel good.
+
sometimes yoochun wonders how long it'd take for him to find jaejoong.
at least everyone else is happy, he thinks bitterly. then catches himself.
bitter thoughts don't make him a good man. a proper man.
+
the rooftop trips never stop.
yoochun likes standing right at the very edge and looking down.
maybe that's what jaejoong's seeing, he smiles, tears catching the sun's rays, glimmering like they're beautiful. like crying is okay.
+
"do you believe in heaven?" jaejoong had asked him once.
yoochun had merely shrugged, not knowing what he truly believes in.
now he does though.
it's the only thing he has left.
+
the days when he visits jaejoong, yoochun will close his eyes and he will hear the sound of jaejoong's laughter ringing in his ears, like waves crashing when he places a seashell close.
he will sigh, and place the flowers down, patting the grass before he leaves, tears in his eyes and the promise of heaven in the wind.
+
all he ever really wished for was to say goodbye.
+
i hope that
all is well in heaven
'cos it's all
shot to hell
down here
i hope that i
find you in heaven
'cos i'm so lost
without you
here.
(i really wish
i got to say
goodbye.)
small, random fic. wanted to experiment with style, came out weird and probably more awkward than i had intended for it to be. inspired by view from heaven / yellowcard. of course, i should be studying :(
yoochun learns how to believe.
*
+
yoochun starts by burning all his cigarettes.
"jaejoong says they're bad," he tells his mother, idly shoving them into the fire, watching the whites turn to black, crumble at the edges and reduce to ashes.
his mother looks at him, lips pressed, and just sighs. perhaps it's a good thing after all.
+
then he stops drinking altogether.
it would've given his head a little more clarity, without the alcohol. junsu and yunho both nod in approval at yoochun's changing habits. "you seem better," they'd remark. yoochun will nod and smile politely because that's what he's supposed to do to feel like he's good again.
(most times he still feels more drunk than sober though.)
+
he goes to church on sundays.
jaejoong would've laughed at him, seeing yoochun pry over hymms and prayers.
yoochun still sings them anyway.
+
yoochun makes it through the year.
+
a new habit kicks in: rooftops at dawn.
being closer to the sky makes him calm. and the view makes him feel like there's nothing to stop him. somehow he feels free, though he's looking at the same city, the same cars and living the same suffocating life.
and there's something about watching the sun rise, realizing a new day has arrived. like a new beginning. like yoochun had died and was reborn again.
"i hope you're doing well," he says everytime. because he doesn't want the new him to forget. he could never.
+
yoochun stops swearing altogether mid-june.
"thank you," yoochun murmurs to his mother, who freezes mid-step. she shakes it off with a smile, and a hurried "you're welcome".
he gets an extra slice of cake during dinner.
+
the only thing he can't quit is composing.
so yoochun writes lyrics straight through the night. but he will never finish the pieces. he tells himself and everyone else that he doesn't know how to.
(inside, he knows that he just doesn't want to say goodbye.)
+
he drives straight into the night.
the stereo blares tracks from the eighties - just like how jaejoong adores. yoochun hums along to them, tune mixed with a little disbelief that jaejoong's voice isn't here to harmonize with his own.
"but life just ain't fair," yoochun hums, driving along the highways. the streetlamps glow so bright it burns through the darkness of the night, like a path to yoochun's heart. like a string leading him to jaejoong.
+
yoochun still remembers that night.
jaejoong on his bed, grinning lazily as they kissed, legs entwined. "love you," he whispers, breath catching onto yoochun's lashes. his hands stroking yoochun's hair, soft and gentle. the music blares and the cigarette buds litter the floor. yoochun sighs and rolls over.
"love you too," yoochun murmurs.
"even when i'm gone?" jaejoong teases.
"stupid," he says, digging his toes into jaejoong's flesh, earning a squeal before he is tackled onto the bed again. they're a mess of limbs and clothes. yoochun clutches onto jaejoong's shirt tighter than ever.
he's never letting go.
+
one more year and yoochun thinks he's doing all right.
but he can't lie. liars don't get to feel good.
+
sometimes yoochun wonders how long it'd take for him to find jaejoong.
at least everyone else is happy, he thinks bitterly. then catches himself.
bitter thoughts don't make him a good man. a proper man.
+
the rooftop trips never stop.
yoochun likes standing right at the very edge and looking down.
maybe that's what jaejoong's seeing, he smiles, tears catching the sun's rays, glimmering like they're beautiful. like crying is okay.
+
"do you believe in heaven?" jaejoong had asked him once.
yoochun had merely shrugged, not knowing what he truly believes in.
now he does though.
it's the only thing he has left.
+
the days when he visits jaejoong, yoochun will close his eyes and he will hear the sound of jaejoong's laughter ringing in his ears, like waves crashing when he places a seashell close.
he will sigh, and place the flowers down, patting the grass before he leaves, tears in his eyes and the promise of heaven in the wind.
+
all he ever really wished for was to say goodbye.
+
i hope that
all is well in heaven
'cos it's all
shot to hell
down here
i hope that i
find you in heaven
'cos i'm so lost
without you
here.
(i really wish
i got to say
goodbye.)
small, random fic. wanted to experiment with style, came out weird and probably more awkward than i had intended for it to be. inspired by view from heaven / yellowcard. of course, i should be studying :(