My official cry for help?
Wasn't I supposed to be the well-adjusted one? I guess it's the season, anyway...
As I sit here trying to make myself go to class, I'm shaking all over. I guess my anxiety thing is back. I don't know if I really haven't felt this since high school or if I've just "forgotten" every time since then. It's an odd sensation. There's almost no disruption of the voice my conscious uses for thinking. I just think about going to class and facing Randy and my chest tightens. I look at the clock and my hands start shaking. Not a little shake. I couldn't hold a cup of water now. Do I just transfer all of my unwanted emotions into my body? You know how I feel guilt? I twitch. I know I'm feeling guilt when my shoulders and back start twitching.
I don't socialize much these days. I feel like Axis was yesterday, but it was a week ago. I haven't done much since then.
Part of the problem is a general friend loss. My subconscious wants me to know that it's because you all dislike me. He says that I only have friends when I'm single because my only redeeming trait has a "No trespassing" sign when I'm not. He says that I'm disposable. People only have such positive reactions when they meet me because I blow my entire personality like a piece of flash paper, and the person who remains once you know all of my good stories is little more than a burden. I know --KNOW-- that the voice is wrong. I know that my subconscious pushes people away until even my closest friends can hardly be called more than acquaintances. For every one relationship I've had that ended in drama there are fifty that just atrophy from lack of use. I know it, but I can't make myself believe it.
The internet is eating me too. I need a way to escape it. If it isn't webcomics, it's forums. If it isn't forums it's wikipedia. Or porn. Or IMs. Or games. Here I am again. I tried to sit and draw designs for class, and I wound up here because I have no willpower.
I've always had no willpower. Anyone can control me if they know how. I can't go to sleep at night, and I can't wake up in the morning. I can't tell people 'no'. I think it's because everything used to be so easy for me. Alot of it still is.
Sleeping is getting to be a problem as well. I've been lying to my roommate (poorly). I don't think I've had more than a nap in 4 days. I tried on Friday night and woke up with severe stomach cramping. I tried yesterday and achieved little more than incoherent lethargy on the couch. It seems like all of my awake time would produce more, but my apartment has never been dirtier than it is now. I need to do laundry, and I've lived on about one fast food meal per day for a while now.
Did I crumble under expectations? I've only ever wanted fun and to be liked. People speak of accomplishment, goals, success, potential, and so forth. They always have, and I think it may be the source of my deep-seated fear of anyone who can represent an authority figure. I can't look professors in the eye, and my palms go sweaty whenever I see a cop.
I've also realized that there is a reason for the stress that highway driving induces in me. I have really bad luck with it. Have I ever driven more than two hours without crashing, getting a ticket, car failure, getting lost, or nearly dying? I'm not sure I have.
Am I supposed to comment lock this now? Is that standard procedure when you're wise enough to know that you are making a plea for the attention of others? I'm well aware that there will be a small flood of people suggesting I hang out with them. They will offer love and compliments. I could probably make a good guess as to who will make them. (Though I really don't know the extent of who reads this these days.) The problem is that I will inevitably try to shrink away from these social opportunities. I know my flaws. Why aren't they fixed yet?
While I'm being uncharacteristically honest, I feel the need to admit that I don't really like music. I could honestly live without it. Is that as odd as I feel it is?
As I sit here trying to make myself go to class, I'm shaking all over. I guess my anxiety thing is back. I don't know if I really haven't felt this since high school or if I've just "forgotten" every time since then. It's an odd sensation. There's almost no disruption of the voice my conscious uses for thinking. I just think about going to class and facing Randy and my chest tightens. I look at the clock and my hands start shaking. Not a little shake. I couldn't hold a cup of water now. Do I just transfer all of my unwanted emotions into my body? You know how I feel guilt? I twitch. I know I'm feeling guilt when my shoulders and back start twitching.
I don't socialize much these days. I feel like Axis was yesterday, but it was a week ago. I haven't done much since then.
Part of the problem is a general friend loss. My subconscious wants me to know that it's because you all dislike me. He says that I only have friends when I'm single because my only redeeming trait has a "No trespassing" sign when I'm not. He says that I'm disposable. People only have such positive reactions when they meet me because I blow my entire personality like a piece of flash paper, and the person who remains once you know all of my good stories is little more than a burden. I know --KNOW-- that the voice is wrong. I know that my subconscious pushes people away until even my closest friends can hardly be called more than acquaintances. For every one relationship I've had that ended in drama there are fifty that just atrophy from lack of use. I know it, but I can't make myself believe it.
The internet is eating me too. I need a way to escape it. If it isn't webcomics, it's forums. If it isn't forums it's wikipedia. Or porn. Or IMs. Or games. Here I am again. I tried to sit and draw designs for class, and I wound up here because I have no willpower.
I've always had no willpower. Anyone can control me if they know how. I can't go to sleep at night, and I can't wake up in the morning. I can't tell people 'no'. I think it's because everything used to be so easy for me. Alot of it still is.
Sleeping is getting to be a problem as well. I've been lying to my roommate (poorly). I don't think I've had more than a nap in 4 days. I tried on Friday night and woke up with severe stomach cramping. I tried yesterday and achieved little more than incoherent lethargy on the couch. It seems like all of my awake time would produce more, but my apartment has never been dirtier than it is now. I need to do laundry, and I've lived on about one fast food meal per day for a while now.
Did I crumble under expectations? I've only ever wanted fun and to be liked. People speak of accomplishment, goals, success, potential, and so forth. They always have, and I think it may be the source of my deep-seated fear of anyone who can represent an authority figure. I can't look professors in the eye, and my palms go sweaty whenever I see a cop.
I've also realized that there is a reason for the stress that highway driving induces in me. I have really bad luck with it. Have I ever driven more than two hours without crashing, getting a ticket, car failure, getting lost, or nearly dying? I'm not sure I have.
Am I supposed to comment lock this now? Is that standard procedure when you're wise enough to know that you are making a plea for the attention of others? I'm well aware that there will be a small flood of people suggesting I hang out with them. They will offer love and compliments. I could probably make a good guess as to who will make them. (Though I really don't know the extent of who reads this these days.) The problem is that I will inevitably try to shrink away from these social opportunities. I know my flaws. Why aren't they fixed yet?
While I'm being uncharacteristically honest, I feel the need to admit that I don't really like music. I could honestly live without it. Is that as odd as I feel it is?