The Northern Gods, Plus a shamanic group meeting.
So I haven't updated in a while, and that is because I couldn't sleep for a week. Also, my sister spent till 3AM last night at a party.
But the majority of the insomnia is because the week before last, I was meditating. Everything was going fine for a while--I was in the forest talking with Gavin--when the Folk randomly show up and knock him out. Instead of losing my composure or going blank, I just got MAD and half-changed into a bear. Thankfully, it scared them into running off instantly.
Unfortunately it also scared ME, so after the Folk left, Spirit-Me was screaming my head off, still half-bear, and trying desperately to change back. Hanschen comes up because he hears me screaming, and he calls Odin up. While we're waiting for Odin (or Hanschen's waiting, because I've only slightly calmed down), he's just repeating nonstop, "DON'T FREAK OUT DON'T FREAK OUT DON'T FREAK OUT, YOU'RE OKAY."
So Odin arrives, tells me to breathe, and he tells me to "let the change finish" instead of trying to stop it or reverse it. He made me keep the form of a bear for a while before I changed back.
With me no longer losing my shit, I can finally check on Gavin. And his mouth is all bloody, but when I wipe it off, he has a GLASGOW GRIN underneath--where someone takes a knife and slits your mouth waaaaay too far open--and with it being stitched up, I immediately realize it's Loki.
Naturally I'm like, "Loki, where the hell is Gavin?!"
He tells me, "Calm down, bear-wife, he's safe at your place." Then he tells me that he'd heard the Folk planning something with Gavin, so that morning he'd pretty much locked Gavin in my tower and taken Gavin's form as a decoy. According to him, non-spirit-working humans are VERY vulnerable to the Folk, and if they'd attacked the real Gavin, he wouldn't have been just knocked out. (Also, Loki wasn't even knocked out himself. He just pretended to be to avoid giving himself away.)
Then Loki looked at me, laughed, and went, "Ha, you're queen of the forest now." I asked what he meant, and he said, "Well, my lady Bear, you seem determined to do away with chaos in your life--but your brothers are a fox and stag, you have a deer's heart, and your husbands are bears. That's as chaotic as it gets."
He left without much else, and I... still have no clue why he'd indirectly help me without asking for anything in return. Or you know, TELLING ME he's helping. I asked Odin about it, and he pretty much went, "Who knows why Loki does what he does?"
Hanschen said it might be an apology for scaring me about the riots a few months ago. But he still had the disclaimer of "I'm not saying that IS the reason--hell, Loki might have just wanted to one-up the Folk again. Helping you transform was probably a side bonus."
So yay, I pretty much went to my spirit-tower, checked on Gavin, and made sure he got home. Then I spent the next few hours clutching Moritz and making sure Spirit-Me was still human.
Around Wednesday, Loki came back and said he'd take me to the "Tree of Life."
At first I thought it was Yggdrasil, but he went, "Not THAT tree-of-life, the Tree of Life. Golden apples, we eat them to stay pretty and young, you heard about it at least once?"
And I'm like, "...Why are you calling it the tree of LIFE and not immortality?"
We got sidetracked into arguing about it for a few minutes, so I called Ogma and asked him why Loki was being confusing, and Loki went, "Tree of Life, why doesn't she get it? Sure, she flails around a lot, but that doesn't mean she's stupid!"
And Ogma went, "Huh, that's an old word for it. No wonder she got confused."
So then Loki just... sat me down and talked to me about animism/spirit-work: "Okay, little cyborg, I'm going to tell you something that some people won't like: Everything is moving, everything feels warm and fuzzy when they're happy, everything feels pain, and everything will call everything else a dick for getting in the way or hurting them. If it isn't doing at least one of those, it's dead. And not just physically. There are places in the world that are dead--no more chaos, no more order, just nothing--and they leave a void, so they attract whatever gets there first. Usually the mean things. Dead places are what people call vortexes, black holes, or hell-mouths."
And I asked him, "...That's really useful, but what does this have to do with trees?"
He told me, "You believe everything's alive, and that's pretty close to the truth. But most people think trees are still, just because they're old and they don't move--not when it isn't windy, at least. But nothing about trees is still. Nothing about anything is still, even rocks. People only think things are still because humans are small; rocks and trees are big. It's not bad or good; it's just a size difference. But you can still listen to them, ask them anything, and they'll answer you. Maybe right away, maybe in a few years. Your people know how to talk to trees, so ask them for specifics. Just remember: Nothing is still."
So he took me back home because that was my brain limit for the night.
-----
My head was mushy for the next few days, so on Friday I consulted the bear gods for help (Otso, Odin, Artio, and the Bruin himself). They all said variations of the same thing: "Congratulations, you turned into a bear! Just wait out the brain-scrambling and don't worry about your tests on Monday and Tuesday." And Artio said that it's normal or at least expected to lose my mind when I first turn into a bear, because "You're not supposed to LIKE turning into a bear. Either you think you're going to die, or you're about to kill someone else."
The brain-scrambling is also normal. Odin told me that "Bears aren't logical"--in the "bears are highly intuitive and their thoughts/actions don't always make sense at first" way--so of course I'm going to feel like my head went through a meat grinder for a while. And he remarked that "Bear-wives are not meant for learning things neatly, but you do have a knack for transforming, so I'll keep watch on that."
And I'm like, "...Well, I AM studying acting. Turning into things is my job."
He looked at me for a moment, then started laughing hysterically for at least a few minutes. After his laughing episode, he said the brain-scrambling has the bonus effect of keeping people from transforming too often.
I wonder if that's why Hanschen picks on Moritz for not being bright, but still respects him as a family member and takes care of him. I mean, Moritz is a bear-totem, so he'd ALWAYS have bear-energy telling him to do seemingly-irrational stuff, or stay home and gorge on honey. Like how my albatross-totem means that part of me is always restless and awkward, and I keep wanting to live in my car to avoid my family or just wander around with no particular destination.
Then Fox came up, prodded my energy centers and hummed a tune for a bit. And I'm expecting him to do something shamanic because I know he's trying to help with the confusion, but after a lot of mumbling to himself, he just... broke off a tree branch and whacked the side of my head.
And after going "OW. FOX, WHY DID YOU SMACK ME?"
"Sometimes people just need a good whack. They get mixed up about which bodies they have or who they should be right now--especially shape-shifters or sensitive people like us, birdy-bird."
Which kind of confused me, and I went, "So... the others randomly come up and hit you with a branch, too?"
"I have to tell them so, but yes. They don't like hitting me, even if they should--poor things. And Bear won't do it because he's too big, so he just pins me or holds me still until I stop flailing."
Although to Fox's credit, it DID clear a lot of the confusion up.
-----
Today I met with my shamanic group, and when I brought up how changing into a bear terrified me into losing sleep and flailing around spiritually, my medicine-woman asked, "What part about bear-medicine scares you? Knowing that you can use it, or that you'll have to use it to help other people?"
It took me a minute to comprehend the second question because of staying up till three AM, but then I told her that the first part was what scared me.
She told me that when she'd fought her calling due to being afraid, she'd also lost sleep and blundered around in confusion. She also said lots of people are afraid of their own power due to society's rules and how the US tends to have very thin spiritual roots in general. Then when she stopped fighting it and accepted her calling, she finally got her physical and mental health back to normal.
And then I thought after the meeting, "Huh, I just have to accept it? Okay--I can turn into a bear now. It scares me because it's eight times my normal size and I'm not used to having that kind of power, but I can do it and I won't try to stop if I turn into a bear again." It's really specific and awkward-sounding, but it probably worked because I'm a lot more relaxed right now.
I took a moment after getting home to ask Idunn why Loki would go into a speech about trees while showing me her particular apple tree, but she nudged me in Bragi's direction instead. (He was indeed the god with the awesome beard in Valhalla.)
Bragi may have been waiting for me to talk to him for a while. He's holding off on actual talking because I'm busy, but he's glad I finally said hi. The minute I walked up to him and asked if he had any message for me, he laughed hard enough to rival the Dagda.
Also, I was looking up "bear-wife" and "shamanism" again on Google. This website about Northern Shamanism showed up.
And ironically enough, Kaldera's article about sex magic was a dead ringer for the tree-speech Loki gave me: "Do you understand the Tree, boys and girls? Have you worked with it, moved up and down its length? Because the Tree is a good thing to link to, the Irminsul from roots to leaves, from Void to Void. The Tree's old, it understands these things, line yourself up there and you'll be safer. Not safe, just safer. Because your body is a Tree as well, or hadn't you noticed?"
I keep remembering that REAAAAAALLY far back in 2012, someone recommended a Heathen/Asatru shaman to help with my spiritual issues. And I'd said something like, "Thanks, but I'm not sure if a Nordic practitioner would be able to help a Celtic Recon."
And now I'm working with Odin and (sort of) Loki. Funny how things work out.
But the majority of the insomnia is because the week before last, I was meditating. Everything was going fine for a while--I was in the forest talking with Gavin--when the Folk randomly show up and knock him out. Instead of losing my composure or going blank, I just got MAD and half-changed into a bear. Thankfully, it scared them into running off instantly.
Unfortunately it also scared ME, so after the Folk left, Spirit-Me was screaming my head off, still half-bear, and trying desperately to change back. Hanschen comes up because he hears me screaming, and he calls Odin up. While we're waiting for Odin (or Hanschen's waiting, because I've only slightly calmed down), he's just repeating nonstop, "DON'T FREAK OUT DON'T FREAK OUT DON'T FREAK OUT, YOU'RE OKAY."
So Odin arrives, tells me to breathe, and he tells me to "let the change finish" instead of trying to stop it or reverse it. He made me keep the form of a bear for a while before I changed back.
With me no longer losing my shit, I can finally check on Gavin. And his mouth is all bloody, but when I wipe it off, he has a GLASGOW GRIN underneath--where someone takes a knife and slits your mouth waaaaay too far open--and with it being stitched up, I immediately realize it's Loki.
Naturally I'm like, "Loki, where the hell is Gavin?!"
He tells me, "Calm down, bear-wife, he's safe at your place." Then he tells me that he'd heard the Folk planning something with Gavin, so that morning he'd pretty much locked Gavin in my tower and taken Gavin's form as a decoy. According to him, non-spirit-working humans are VERY vulnerable to the Folk, and if they'd attacked the real Gavin, he wouldn't have been just knocked out. (Also, Loki wasn't even knocked out himself. He just pretended to be to avoid giving himself away.)
Then Loki looked at me, laughed, and went, "Ha, you're queen of the forest now." I asked what he meant, and he said, "Well, my lady Bear, you seem determined to do away with chaos in your life--but your brothers are a fox and stag, you have a deer's heart, and your husbands are bears. That's as chaotic as it gets."
He left without much else, and I... still have no clue why he'd indirectly help me without asking for anything in return. Or you know, TELLING ME he's helping. I asked Odin about it, and he pretty much went, "Who knows why Loki does what he does?"
Hanschen said it might be an apology for scaring me about the riots a few months ago. But he still had the disclaimer of "I'm not saying that IS the reason--hell, Loki might have just wanted to one-up the Folk again. Helping you transform was probably a side bonus."
So yay, I pretty much went to my spirit-tower, checked on Gavin, and made sure he got home. Then I spent the next few hours clutching Moritz and making sure Spirit-Me was still human.
Around Wednesday, Loki came back and said he'd take me to the "Tree of Life."
At first I thought it was Yggdrasil, but he went, "Not THAT tree-of-life, the Tree of Life. Golden apples, we eat them to stay pretty and young, you heard about it at least once?"
And I'm like, "...Why are you calling it the tree of LIFE and not immortality?"
We got sidetracked into arguing about it for a few minutes, so I called Ogma and asked him why Loki was being confusing, and Loki went, "Tree of Life, why doesn't she get it? Sure, she flails around a lot, but that doesn't mean she's stupid!"
And Ogma went, "Huh, that's an old word for it. No wonder she got confused."
So then Loki just... sat me down and talked to me about animism/spirit-work: "Okay, little cyborg, I'm going to tell you something that some people won't like: Everything is moving, everything feels warm and fuzzy when they're happy, everything feels pain, and everything will call everything else a dick for getting in the way or hurting them. If it isn't doing at least one of those, it's dead. And not just physically. There are places in the world that are dead--no more chaos, no more order, just nothing--and they leave a void, so they attract whatever gets there first. Usually the mean things. Dead places are what people call vortexes, black holes, or hell-mouths."
And I asked him, "...That's really useful, but what does this have to do with trees?"
He told me, "You believe everything's alive, and that's pretty close to the truth. But most people think trees are still, just because they're old and they don't move--not when it isn't windy, at least. But nothing about trees is still. Nothing about anything is still, even rocks. People only think things are still because humans are small; rocks and trees are big. It's not bad or good; it's just a size difference. But you can still listen to them, ask them anything, and they'll answer you. Maybe right away, maybe in a few years. Your people know how to talk to trees, so ask them for specifics. Just remember: Nothing is still."
So he took me back home because that was my brain limit for the night.
-----
My head was mushy for the next few days, so on Friday I consulted the bear gods for help (Otso, Odin, Artio, and the Bruin himself). They all said variations of the same thing: "Congratulations, you turned into a bear! Just wait out the brain-scrambling and don't worry about your tests on Monday and Tuesday." And Artio said that it's normal or at least expected to lose my mind when I first turn into a bear, because "You're not supposed to LIKE turning into a bear. Either you think you're going to die, or you're about to kill someone else."
The brain-scrambling is also normal. Odin told me that "Bears aren't logical"--in the "bears are highly intuitive and their thoughts/actions don't always make sense at first" way--so of course I'm going to feel like my head went through a meat grinder for a while. And he remarked that "Bear-wives are not meant for learning things neatly, but you do have a knack for transforming, so I'll keep watch on that."
And I'm like, "...Well, I AM studying acting. Turning into things is my job."
He looked at me for a moment, then started laughing hysterically for at least a few minutes. After his laughing episode, he said the brain-scrambling has the bonus effect of keeping people from transforming too often.
I wonder if that's why Hanschen picks on Moritz for not being bright, but still respects him as a family member and takes care of him. I mean, Moritz is a bear-totem, so he'd ALWAYS have bear-energy telling him to do seemingly-irrational stuff, or stay home and gorge on honey. Like how my albatross-totem means that part of me is always restless and awkward, and I keep wanting to live in my car to avoid my family or just wander around with no particular destination.
Then Fox came up, prodded my energy centers and hummed a tune for a bit. And I'm expecting him to do something shamanic because I know he's trying to help with the confusion, but after a lot of mumbling to himself, he just... broke off a tree branch and whacked the side of my head.
And after going "OW. FOX, WHY DID YOU SMACK ME?"
"Sometimes people just need a good whack. They get mixed up about which bodies they have or who they should be right now--especially shape-shifters or sensitive people like us, birdy-bird."
Which kind of confused me, and I went, "So... the others randomly come up and hit you with a branch, too?"
"I have to tell them so, but yes. They don't like hitting me, even if they should--poor things. And Bear won't do it because he's too big, so he just pins me or holds me still until I stop flailing."
Although to Fox's credit, it DID clear a lot of the confusion up.
-----
Today I met with my shamanic group, and when I brought up how changing into a bear terrified me into losing sleep and flailing around spiritually, my medicine-woman asked, "What part about bear-medicine scares you? Knowing that you can use it, or that you'll have to use it to help other people?"
It took me a minute to comprehend the second question because of staying up till three AM, but then I told her that the first part was what scared me.
She told me that when she'd fought her calling due to being afraid, she'd also lost sleep and blundered around in confusion. She also said lots of people are afraid of their own power due to society's rules and how the US tends to have very thin spiritual roots in general. Then when she stopped fighting it and accepted her calling, she finally got her physical and mental health back to normal.
And then I thought after the meeting, "Huh, I just have to accept it? Okay--I can turn into a bear now. It scares me because it's eight times my normal size and I'm not used to having that kind of power, but I can do it and I won't try to stop if I turn into a bear again." It's really specific and awkward-sounding, but it probably worked because I'm a lot more relaxed right now.
I took a moment after getting home to ask Idunn why Loki would go into a speech about trees while showing me her particular apple tree, but she nudged me in Bragi's direction instead. (He was indeed the god with the awesome beard in Valhalla.)
Bragi may have been waiting for me to talk to him for a while. He's holding off on actual talking because I'm busy, but he's glad I finally said hi. The minute I walked up to him and asked if he had any message for me, he laughed hard enough to rival the Dagda.
Also, I was looking up "bear-wife" and "shamanism" again on Google. This website about Northern Shamanism showed up.
And ironically enough, Kaldera's article about sex magic was a dead ringer for the tree-speech Loki gave me: "Do you understand the Tree, boys and girls? Have you worked with it, moved up and down its length? Because the Tree is a good thing to link to, the Irminsul from roots to leaves, from Void to Void. The Tree's old, it understands these things, line yourself up there and you'll be safer. Not safe, just safer. Because your body is a Tree as well, or hadn't you noticed?"
I keep remembering that REAAAAAALLY far back in 2012, someone recommended a Heathen/Asatru shaman to help with my spiritual issues. And I'd said something like, "Thanks, but I'm not sure if a Nordic practitioner would be able to help a Celtic Recon."
And now I'm working with Odin and (sort of) Loki. Funny how things work out.