I'm overdosing on reality (again)

[crossoverfaith]

I know it's been eons since the last time I wrote in here, but I just have so much on my mind that the burden has become more than my mind alone can bear. Life as been chaos lately. Ever since Tara decided that she needed a break, every day has been filled with emptiness, uncertainty, a certain sense of hopelessness and being outnumbered and worst of all fear. Each day seems like I'm in an unreal dream that's picking up speed each day and appearing to be heading towards that thin line where it becomes a nightmare. And I feel like I really can't do anything about it, mostly because I can't. This is an internal demon that Tara has to face and conquer on her own. And thinking about the possible outcome is particularly scary because for the first time in a long time she can't find the answer in me. She's always been able to depend on me for being there to have the answers and for the first time I can't give that to her. All it seems I can do now is watch, hope and pray. I feel so overwhelmed, because everyone she talks to feels it best to see what else is out there. It feels like it's me against the world and it's an awful feeling to have. I understand they're trying to give her advice, but then again they're giving advice on something they really don't know anything about. They don't really know us or how we are or what either of us are going through.......And now to add to all this, she's found a new guy whom she's interested in. So the uncertainty, the sense of hopelessness and worst of all the fear are at an all time high. There are those who have said "You don't deserve this, you haven't done anything to deserve what you're going through and yet this is all happening, just leave". And perhaps they're right. And that being said, I still feel like there's still something there. Like if I'm able to defy the odds and persevere, then perhaps our relationship will become what it hasn't had a chance to become yet and we can reach a whole new echelon. And what would that say about me if I took the easy way out. I'm a Christian and as it is my whole life's goal to live as Christ did, I see an opportunity to do something similar to what he did. Jesus knew what fate was destined for him and when he was on trial, he could've just taken the easy way out and said "No, I am not the son of God" and they would have just let him go. But as hard as it was for him, he went through with all the torture and pain of what happened before and during his Crucifixion so that we all would have the chance at something better. And now I feel that maybe if I too decide to take the long, hard road and go through all the pain now, then perhaps Tara and I will have a chance at something better because of it. And I think it makes a significant amount of sense, because much like Jesus in this situation, I have done nothing to deserve all of this but yet here I find myself dealing with it all the same. And if at the end of all this Tara decides to take her life down a different path, then so be it. I know that I went through this whole ordeal for her and if that and all I've done and all we've shared isn't enough in the end then I know I did my absolute best. And I pray that somehow we will be able to work things out, because although I've never been in love before, I know that the love I feel for her is incredibly special and worth fighting for.....Because "If love is a labor, I'll slave 'til the end" and that's what I intend on doing. Tara I love you and I miss you and I pray God will help you find the answer you're looking for. If I have to sacrifice myself for your happiness in the end, then I know I did as Christ would. But I really hope that it doesn't come to that. Here I am, at your mercy. I can't give you the answers this time so I pray that you find what will make you happy.

"Love is never giving up, it's never giving in to seemingly impossible odds"