I Need Attention???
You would think...
that all the nice pretty certificates on my wall and all the nerdiness that I invested into my life thus far would mean I'm a quick learner.
You would think...
that having been in the same situation before you would remember for the next times
Well apparently I don't think.
Everytime I go out with my friends I'm just reminded of how things might never be the same cos as long as I am the same, I will be depressed
Everytime I am removed from friends I grow further away from them and its unavoidable and now I don't have best friends anymore, just people who once were best friends and now don't lean on me at all
Everytime I'm in a social situation, no matter how far I am into my treatment, I am always going to fall straight into my urge to cut, punch, pull hair out, purge and to some degree feel suicidal
I know I repeat this all the time...I miss me.
And I know that no matter how many times I post this on LJ nobody will ever read it and understand it...being in hospital means that I have become isolated...my friends who talked to me now only see me as needing to talk.
I feel like I can't talk anymore.
Today I had a natural alice freak out...it caught me a little bit unawares but I did what I thought was a good idea and went upstairs and tried to deal with it while my friends watched TV. Well because they all know about me and my freak outs (feel free to roll eyes) people came searching for me.
I felt jibbed. I felt like people only come looking for me cos they feel like thats what I want. I feel like when I'm upset I'm holding up a big sign saying I NEED ATTENTION. I don't feel like that.
I feel like I can't say anything anymore...I feel like when i say 'i feel suicidal' its not longer 'i feel suicidal' its 'I NEED ATTENTION'.
I really honestly believe that cos of that if I did commit suicide people would still be surprised. I feel like I'm quicker saying 'I NEED ATTENTION' then anything else. I don't want attention. I want to pay attention to myself and nobody else can do that for me.
My therapists tell me that I'm angry and I need to tell people why I'm angry. I can't move past this. I tell people i'm angry. I even say i'm angry with them.
But why i'm angry is somehow always my fault so in the end I am only angry with myself.
I'm angry. I'm sad. I feel like my friends don't need me anymore. I feel replaced.
And I feel like even though I wrote this down...people will just read 'I need attention' and that will be the end.
that all the nice pretty certificates on my wall and all the nerdiness that I invested into my life thus far would mean I'm a quick learner.
You would think...
that having been in the same situation before you would remember for the next times
Well apparently I don't think.
Everytime I go out with my friends I'm just reminded of how things might never be the same cos as long as I am the same, I will be depressed
Everytime I am removed from friends I grow further away from them and its unavoidable and now I don't have best friends anymore, just people who once were best friends and now don't lean on me at all
Everytime I'm in a social situation, no matter how far I am into my treatment, I am always going to fall straight into my urge to cut, punch, pull hair out, purge and to some degree feel suicidal
I know I repeat this all the time...I miss me.
And I know that no matter how many times I post this on LJ nobody will ever read it and understand it...being in hospital means that I have become isolated...my friends who talked to me now only see me as needing to talk.
I feel like I can't talk anymore.
Today I had a natural alice freak out...it caught me a little bit unawares but I did what I thought was a good idea and went upstairs and tried to deal with it while my friends watched TV. Well because they all know about me and my freak outs (feel free to roll eyes) people came searching for me.
I felt jibbed. I felt like people only come looking for me cos they feel like thats what I want. I feel like when I'm upset I'm holding up a big sign saying I NEED ATTENTION. I don't feel like that.
I feel like I can't say anything anymore...I feel like when i say 'i feel suicidal' its not longer 'i feel suicidal' its 'I NEED ATTENTION'.
I really honestly believe that cos of that if I did commit suicide people would still be surprised. I feel like I'm quicker saying 'I NEED ATTENTION' then anything else. I don't want attention. I want to pay attention to myself and nobody else can do that for me.
My therapists tell me that I'm angry and I need to tell people why I'm angry. I can't move past this. I tell people i'm angry. I even say i'm angry with them.
But why i'm angry is somehow always my fault so in the end I am only angry with myself.
I'm angry. I'm sad. I feel like my friends don't need me anymore. I feel replaced.
And I feel like even though I wrote this down...people will just read 'I need attention' and that will be the end.