(no subject)
Do not trust the Birds!
Do not trust what the
birds tell you!
Sat Jan 12, 5:05 pm
IVE GOT TO GO!!!
TRUST ME DAMMIT! IM
NOT HERE FOR
NOTHING. YOU DONT
KNOW. TRUST ME . I
AM GOING!
Sat Jan 12, 5:07 pm
Please0dont hurt me if i
rot. I do care about you.
Scripts 5
Sat Jan 12, 5:22 pm
I wish everybody would
STOP HURTING ME!
Sat Jan 12, 5:36 pm
539P i herd the geese.
Two just flew overhead.
Ouch! Fuck!!!!! I
want to die.... Poop!
Why!!!?????? +why
bother????????????????
??????? Never mind
Sat Jan 12, 5:42 pm
Black. Black. Black.
Black. Black. Black.
Black. Black. Black.
Black. Black. Black.
Black. Black. Black.
Black. Black. Black.
Black. Black. Black.
Black. Black.
Sat Jan 12, 5:47 pm
Its nice to know youre
out there
Sat Jan 12, 5:50 pm
say hi to everyone for
me.
Sat Jan 12, 5:52 pm
Anakin
Sat Jan 12, 5:54 pm
When can i hear you
recite? Anything: a
collection of
monologues???
Something from
Eden???
improvisational???
Doesnnt matter.
Sat Jan 12, 7:34 pm
Thank you, for being
there, for me. ~hug~
Sat Jan 12, 10:12 pm
tea. read. provide. heal.
seek. see. know. feel.
imagine. visualize.
study. practice. work.
recite. write. relate.
knowledge. respond.
cleanse. reflect. love, c
Sun Jan 13, 10:25 am
At reheatsal... hard to
focus. :'(
Sun Jan 13, 1:09 pm
I need to yell... I need to
scream. not in anger. I
need to let out: pain,
fear, doubt, frustration.
BLACK, loneliness.
~hug~ help me. ~hug~
Sun Jan 13, 3:56 pm
I know. I feele like a
pulled tight rubber
band... An onver fillerd
ballonon to burdt.... It
hurts!!? It is the dark the
blank wanting out!! It
hurts!! My mind
Sun Jan 13, 4:11 pm
IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!
Sun Jan 13, 4:17 pm
Drafts from Fraday a.m.
follow...
Sun Jan 13, 4:22 pm
1239a there is an army
of Aliens surrounding
this house. HELP ME!
PLEASE!
Sun Jan 13, 4:23 pm
I had 3 dreams thru the
night. All deal with
stage/screen/scripts...
You were in a few. ...
Whew. ~hug~
Sun Jan 13, 4:24 pm
932a i'm confused. I
need help to
understand.
Sun Jan 13, 4:25 pm
Drafts from this
morning follow...
Sun Jan 13, 4:25 pm
(wYw) 308a
Sun Jan 13, 4:25 pm
(wYw) 628a if possible
Sun Jan 13, 4:25 pm
704a bad imagrs i am
scared
Sun Jan 13, 4:25 pm
821a something
everything feels off
wrong. I donot feel
myself. Bad night. Very
weak. I nneed. Yoour
help. Somehow. I dont
know. Help me focus
center.i need som
Sun Jan 13, 4:26 pm
Please, can you help me
sleep? ~hug~
Sun Jan 13, 4:36 pm
Everytime i want to, go
to, intimately work on
KS or SoaT, i fail. I
cannot create the
'imagination' to
treatment the piece. I
have no 'place'. Help
me.
Sun Jan 13, 4:27 pm
(it was a rough nite /
morning) ... I worry...
Why have a signal that
means HELP if i am too
guilty to use it...When i
need to really have your
help?? thank you
Sun Jan 13, 4:30 pm
never mind.
Sun Jan 13, 4:40 pm
Im lost.
Sun Jan 13, 4:55 pm
'night Nate. I have failed
(you) again. Another
night of giving up and
giving in to Black. I did
NOTHING but sit in
darkness;
afraid,frightened and
alone. ~hug~
Sun Jan 13, 11:06 pm
843a i am in my
driveway.Started my
car and began to
cry.You donnot cry
because you are lucky.I
am sorry, to you and
Murphy, because i am a
bother in your lives
Mon Jan 14, 8:44 am
tea. read. write. hug.
hold. caress. love.
touch.kiss. feel.
imagine. create.
explore. enjoy. eat.
drink. live. c (i miss
you) Post Scriptum: i
believe in you.
Mon Jan 14, 9:09 am
908a i have given up.If
you need anything.I am
here,for you. Because i
care about you.i believe
in you;the person that
you are and the
potential you have
~hug~
Mon Jan 14, 9:12 am
I have had my phone
OFF all day. We have
been seeing pts. From
9a to present. Still at
work, still seeing pts.
not a single break. Not
even lunch...
Mon Jan 14, 4:34 pm
... Misc 'drafts' to
follow...
Mon Jan 14, 4:36 pm
239a (wYw)
Mon Jan 14, 4:37 pm
456a Nathan. I'm lost. I
cannot do this alone. I
need your help. Can you
please help me.?
Mon Jan 14, 4:37 pm
503a yup.I know i
should be stronger than
i am. The MS has
weakened me.I do need
your help. Can you help
me.Please? I will help
you. I dont know what
day it is?
Mon Jan 14, 4:38 pm
650a dream- your dad,
you & i directing a
GIGANTIC production
of Sweeney Todd... (you
also play Tob y)
Mon Jan 14, 4:38 pm
711a i wish...
Mon Jan 14, 5:39 pm
??? You 'safe' mono...
That, i guess, is in your
hands. Since you need
by tomorrow??? Only
you know what is and
would be a Stretch for
you...
Mon Jan 14, 4:45 pm
Can't talk... Still with
patients... ??? Your
safe???... If you could
consider... CLEAR
GLASS MARBLES (AS
STRETCH)... SOUNDS
NEAT...
Mon Jan 14, 4:55 pm
... Yes... I do need, to be
watched out for...
Alone is difficult. But i
am difficult... And you
have others. I
understand. Yes, i need
you.
Mon Jan 14, 5:00 pm
What are your
suggestions for safe &
stretch... (read...
Foresight... Prepare)
~hug~
Mon Jan 14, 5:01 pm
I am sorry, that. I need.
(your help).we can help
each other. It is the only
way.
Mon Jan 14, 5:06 pm
Find (know) your
stretch that YOU want
to conquer. Let me
know your picks. Thank
you.
Mon Jan 14, 5:20 pm
Reason's for each?
Mon Jan 14, 5:32 pm
Sadly, because of my
illness i remember little
of Cameron's mono
BUT remember your
portrayl very well
:)...this is why i wished
for you to recite monos
for me..
Mon Jan 14, 5:36 pm
Edmund, i agree... It
needs to be better... It
needs to be YOURS...
make it good for
Steppenwolf & other
future Auds (get back
on the horse! :)... Good
choices.
Mon Jan 14, 5:38 pm
... And to polar
opposites! GO for It!!!
(show this class and te
instructor What they
are up against :) give
them something to aim
for...
Mon Jan 14, 5:40 pm
As you KNOW YOU
CAN! ... i will email you
tonight. The distance
we have had over the
ladt two weeks has
added to my 'fear' of
you. ... I need to get
over...
Mon Jan 14, 5:42 pm
... Over this :') i fear,
friendship.i fear
admiration, because i
fear loss. ~hug~ but i
need you to know. YOU
HELP ME. SO MUCH.
and i fear lossing 'my
ground.
Mon Jan 14, 5:45 pm
I want, this year, to get
over my fear of 'you'.
Because, this year will
begin the year where
we will both conquer
our fear & doubt and
thus (part)... ~hug~
Mon Jan 14, 5:48 pm
We have this year to
become so close as
friends and companions
that the parting means,
just the beginning :)
Mon Jan 14, 5:50 pm
We will both, get on the
horse that bears us
away and we will be
brave, together. You
said, "together, we will
find a way...."
Mon Jan 14, 5:53 pm
Your voice mail... has
brought a ray of 'live'
back into my life. Thank
you.
Mon Jan 14, 5:58 pm
You have allowed me to
cross 2 items off my to
do list for today: 1) live
& 2) be helped.
Mon Jan 14, 6:00 pm
Observation: you ARE
observant with you eyes
and mind. How
observant are you with
you other senses?
Could you be more, do
you think?
Mon Jan 14, 6:25 pm
What?
Mon Jan 14, 6:38 pm
... About the 'more', i
mean do you use other
senses to 'observe'?
Mon Jan 14, 6:41 pm
I'm going to tell you
something... That wine
YOU picked at Karma
Vista? Remember i said i
knew why it was right
for you to pcik?
Devilhead Red???
Mon Jan 14, 6:46 pm
... Because it 'smelled'
like you. :) It's bouquet,
it's 'air', smelled the
same as 'you'. Your
scent. I knew it the
minute i put my nose in
the glass. :) ...
Mon Jan 14, 6:50 pm
How nutz am i now? :p
Mon Jan 14, 6:51 pm
821 P i am in dark.
Watching a british
sitcom... I feel myself
slipping away. Always
slipping without
anchorage! Where do i
belong?!Alien yawns.
Alien.
Mon Jan 14, 8:30 pm
I quwtitoin
relationschip????
Mon Jan 14, 8:57 pm
I dont feel very good.
My internet is down so i
cannot write you.and i
feel it would be
pointless anyway.
Because i am poitless.
Meaningless. Loveless.
Purpose-
Mon Jan 14, 10:48 pm
less. Embodidless.... I
am going to turn off the
light and be where i
belong. In the Black. If
you didnt have all you
were doing i would ask
you to take over...
Mon Jan 14, 10:52 pm
KS, Soat... Everything i
will fail at. Because you
succeed. You have Ut,
school, PG, UOUTH
theater, friends, love,
intimacy, popularity,
creativity, Potential,
Mon Jan 14, 10:55 pm
Talent, ability, looks,
ability, intelligence.... A
pretty total package. I
am weaker, and more
transparent everyday. I
am a staple.... a 'part' of
the office...
Mon Jan 14, 10:57 pm
a 'part' of the theater, a
'part' of the house. Just,
a part - never a whole. I
am waeker and
crumbling more
everyday. I never will
reach the potential i ...
Mon Jan 14, 11:01 pm
... Thought, i knew, i
had, when,well, i was
23 :') ... To be a
writer,artist, designer,
director, (actor) author,
performer... And now, i
go to BP, like going
Mon Jan 14, 11:04 pm
Going to the office. I
pulled up to last
Saturday's build and got
out of the car and
out-loud said"god i hate
it here." at BP. :'( I
HAVE NO PLACE...my
place(s)
Mon Jan 14, 11:07 pm
went with my past.
Hollywood (film),
NYC/CHICAGO/MINNE
APOLIS/BOSTON
(stage), Europe (art)...
You are, Limitless,
Nathan! I feel a cry
coming on... So best...
Mon Jan 14, 11:11 pm
Hah 11:11 No need to
wish.I'll go to sleep
alone
again,tonight.YOU, ARE
SO LUCKY(your bed is
warmed) sleep
well(dream your
potential)'night Nate.
love you.~hug~
Mon Jan 14, 11:18 pm
901a crying.
Tue Jan 15, 9:01 am
The sun was rising and
shining into your room
this morning it looked
so comforting and
inviting. To tea and read
and ponder by...
Tue Jan 15, 9:19 am
~hug~ (s.l.y.) thank you
Tue Jan 15, 9:59 am
11:11 a hah i could make
a wish .... But i wish no
more because i
CANNOOT DO THIS
ANY MORE! move on
nate. Write your
plays.write your
movies, star on stage...
Tue Jan 15, 11:21 am
Star in films. star on tv.
Win awards. Light up
the sky with your
fucking talent, ability.
And potential. OR END
UP LIKE ME.
REGRETTING 25 YEARS
OF LIFE...
Tue Jan 15, 11:24 am
I want to give up WITH
EVERYTHIN AND
EVERYONE! I AM NOT
WORTH IT. I AM NOT
WORTH ANYTHING. I
AM A WASTE. iam
nothing I AM SORRY. I
HAVE NO DIRECTION,
NO ORDER
Tue Jan 15, 11:31 am
If i resign from BP...
WHAT would happen? I
don't know.
Tue Jan 15, 4:36 pm
Hope you are able to get
this... Thank you. You
help me. ~hug~ i hope i
can help you. My
rehearsal was great.
Hope yours was. I
believe and have faith in
you.
Tue Jan 15, 11:50 pm
'night Nate. Post
Scriptum: it's okay to
yell. (sign of passion)
~hug~
Wed Jan 16, 12:04 am
;) ~hug~ 'hight.
Wed Jan 16, 12:30 am
Any suggestions on i
can0get to sleep better
& deeper. My lights are
out Murph is snuggled
into me... I really want
to sleep (like you) how
do i begin?
Wed Jan 16, 12:35 am
You said, "Together, we
will...". Today, i will be
stronger FOR YOU.
Today, be brave FOR
ME. Together, FOR
GOOD. WE CAN make it
happen.
Wed Jan 16, 8:59 am
tea. read (something
you normally wouldn't).
see (something you've
never seen before).
imagine (something
remarkable). write.
feel. be. Try. love, c
Wed Jan 16, 9:00 am
I Believe in YOU. thank
you. ~hug~
Wed Jan 16, 9:00 am
I would like to spend
time with you and cook
something and
seriously discuss 13-14
and 14-15 Seasons :)
Wed Jan 16, 11:03 am
It's okay.
Wed Jan 16, 12:39 pm
I know. ~hug~
Wed Jan 16, 12:54 pm
Oops.... Out of
nowhere... Just got all
panicked about
Steppenwolf Aud???
DOUBT!
Wed Jan 16, 3:47 pm
~hug~ (s.l.y.)
Wed Jan 16, 4:22 pm
Holy fuck! 13 Text
messages and 4
voicemails from
Susan... i hope to hear
you recite something
(anything) to me soon...
It relaxes me :)
Wed Jan 16, 4:57 pm
Holy shit... Why am i so
nervous about this
Steppenwolf thing?!
Wed Jan 16, 5:01 pm
I am totally no good
here... Bill will notice
nobdy else will
maybe...m!!?i'm really a
waste herebut to point
and say do.. Bill is here
nw xxxxoooo
Wed Jan 16, 7:37 pm
Im a waste!
Wed Jan 16, 7:43 pm
Fuck you! For not being
a waste!
Wed Jan 16, 7:43 pm
Im sorry im soryyyr im
sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyy
Wed Jan 16, 7:44 pm
Oh god im sooorry i m
nbnothering you im
sorrruyyyyyyyyy
Wed Jan 16, 7:45 pm
Im sorry
Wed Jan 16, 7:48 pm
I shouldnt even be
here!!! But if not me....
Whlo??!
Wed Jan 16, 7:49 pm
I at the theather and
alos fucking lost all at
the same time!!? This
fucking sucks!!! And
ihavent eaten since
yesterday. And im lost
in a building! That
sucks!
Wed Jan 16, 8:16 pm
Here are drafts.m....!
Wed Jan 16, 8:18 pm
453a water spine hurts
Wed Jan 16, 8:19 pm
cigarette into my flesh.
Because i dont care. I
have cried already this
morning, who cares.i
look at my ugly self in
the mirror. Who cares? i
dont care...
Wed Jan 16, 8:21 pm
I have a bottle of 60
Xanax (double amount)
everyday i pour it all
into my hand. I could
down it all at once. i
dont. Because i believe
in you. ~hug~
Wed Jan 16, 8:22 pm
610a im trying its hard.
To breath back hurts i
know you cant i sorry
wish you were here to
help my bak hurts thanl
you
Wed Jan 16, 8:22 pm
840a i poked myself in
the eye with a hanger, i
dont care. I cut myself
shaving, i dont care. If i
had a lover too, i would
ask them to press a
burning...
Wed Jan 16, 8:22 pm
630a water i cannott
move my right arem
pleas help me sewer
Wed Jan 16, 8:22 pm
Thats it for drafts. I just
want to say. I hate me. I
love you. Thats all. I
shouldnt be here. Bye.
Wed Jan 16, 8:23 pm
There are deer in the
aprprtment but i am
here in the teheater
Wed Jan 16, 8:43 pm
Imaginary invalid vs
tartuffe DO I
EXISTS?!?!?!?!?! IN
YOUR WORLD!?!?!
Wed Jan 16, 8:52 pm
DO I EXSIST!!!!?????
Wed Jan 16, 8:59 pm
Im becoming very angry
and violant! Everybody
will be leaving soon and
i will be here being
intervied bt Tim
majlizk!?! What is my
name? What mono r u
steppenw?
Wed Jan 16, 9:13 pm
What do i do NOW?!
YOU cant help me
becuase your are there
already helping
someone else so i will
do this alone. I am going
home i guess? I
tubular? Fucked.
Wed Jan 16, 10:05 pm
You should have
rehearsed you
shouldhave
Wed Jan 16, 10:07 pm
Hah you are as afraid of
being alone as i am :p
you are as afraid of
losing people as i am :p
hah
Wed Jan 16, 10:11 pm
Riddle me this Batbouy:
Who are You?
Wed Jan 16, 10:23 pm
I thank you should apply
for BADA & act again
too... Maybe the
Strasberg school
(acting) too. ~hug~ Post
Scriptum: i still do nt
know who i am
Wed Jan 16, 10:37 pm
tea. read. write. cum.
prioritize. strengthen.
grow. cum. ignore.
imagine. create. give.
use. reflect. accept.
join. cheat. comfort.
come. explore.
rest.love,c
Thu Jan 17, 9:01 am
902a i'm at
work,again,naturally,an
d... I don't care. THIS is
my
EVERYDAY,EVERYMIN
UTE. MY LIFE. I AM A
WASTE.
Thu Jan 17, 9:05 am
I can do nothing right. I
can please no one. I am
loved by no one. I AM
ALONE. you are lucky.
You are relied upon.
You provide. You are
loved. You are lucky.
Thu Jan 17, 9:08 am
Gotta be honest...i
originally text you last
night 'rehearsal
tonight?'... Because i
needed you, and
couldnt bring myself to
tell you or ask for your
help.
Thu Jan 17, 12:41 pm
... So that then lead to
not being able to send
these 3 drafts... I dont
know what to do?...
Thu Jan 17, 12:46 pm
(wYw) 444a(wYw)
Thu Jan 17, 12:47 pm
(wYw) 508_a please
hurts harfd
Thu Jan 17, 12:47 pm
Hard to brerathr 622a
Thu Jan 17, 12:47 pm
thank you. ~hug~
Thu Jan 17, 12:48 pm
Sorry about bothering
you three last night. I
was pretty sick.
Thu Jan 17, 4:07 pm
You must be crying.
because i cant.
Thu Jan 17, 5:13 pm
Sorry. Missed your call
...in rehearsal. Sorry.
Thu Jan 17, 7:12 pm
Adam is a little, 'flat
line'.... :)
Thu Jan 17, 8:22 pm
I wrote the following
earlier tonight...
Thu Jan 17, 11:32 pm
a chilling moon. It
throws me off. I seek
warmth.It is not fair
that mymind & body arf
aflicted with an illness
that weakens and
blackens me...Not
fair.~hold~
Thu Jan 17, 11:32 pm
About 30 minutes
before your call i was
pondering how to
resign as Artistic
Director and give up
after KS.??? ??? ??? i am
VERY happy you
enjoyed yourself!
Thu Jan 17, 11:41 pm
Just took pill, friend.
thank you. ~hug~ 'night
Nate. Post Scriptum:
love you.
Thu Jan 17, 11:42 pm
I am a little worried
about this(?)
Fri Jan 18, 12:01 am
tea. read. WRITE.
recite. practice.
rehearse. imagine. see.
feel. know. breathe.
ENJOY. believe.
Perform. love
you,always, c
Fri Jan 18, 8:58 am
Well, maybe i reached
stage 3 (you should look
up this stuff). Slept
'deeper' but not to your
depths :) i showered
and feel 'better'.We'll
see what day brings
Fri Jan 18, 9:11 am
YOU, have FUN! We
say, get the job in what
you like to do,and you
will enjoy doing it. So,
PERFORM! and say to
yourself"I like doing
this.This IS what I DO!"
Fri Jan 18, 1:32 pm
do this, and you are on
your way to doing what
many search for,THE
JOB they like to do,
because it is what they
WANT to do...Together
WE will find a way.
love,c
Fri Jan 18, 1:33 pm
Nathan, you are lucky
because you are who
you are. I am lucky
because you are in my
life. C
Fri Jan 18, 1:33 pm
I am driving and yelling
at you. ~hug~
Fri Jan 18, 2:17 pm
And you werre right... I
cant remember the
'profound' statement i
made last night that
applies to us ...
Fri Jan 18, 2:19 pm
I know. That is why i
wrote 'WRITE' this a.m.
in Caps. I could 'feel'
from the way you spoke
last night, you would
approach today with
more confidence.
Fri Jan 18, 3:25 pm
BUT... when it is time to
rehearse, you will be
more of an actor that a
writer. Because YOU,
my wonderful friend,
are limitless! ~hug~
Fri Jan 18, 3:25 pm
I,sadly, am losing
confidence in myself as
the minutes tick away...
I want to do SO MUCH
this afternoon and
evening with scripts,
but doubt my ability :'(
xo
Fri Jan 18, 3:29 pm
I really think you are
great!
Fri Jan 18, 3:32 pm
Hah... Hope you're
wearing your 'writer's
cap' ? Just wait till you
get your own Writer's
desk (soon) ~hug~
Fri Jan 18, 3:47 pm
It is 4P. My WORK week
is over. It is SO
important to make the
rest of today MINE. I
want to feel good.
Suggestions?
Fri Jan 18, 4:05 pm
Recite for me (soon).
Monologues, Eden,
improv... I miss it. And i
will need help prepping
for Steppenwolf Auds...
Fri Jan 18, 4:12 pm
have a good rehearsal
~hug~
Fri Jan 18, 6:55 pm
I feel more like a writer
than an actor today
(what's important is
that YOU feel like
something! I hope i can
feel that, or anything
again, someday ~hold~)
Fri Jan 18, 7:02 pm
Got you VM.I am here
at build till 4P (5'ish). I
really don't know...
anything :'( i get
frightened to commit to
anything or anyone...
Feeling ill all the time
Sat Jan 19, 2:03 pm
I live a rollercoaster of
wellness... I nvere
know(?) i just don't
know how, what' were
and when. I lose control
(fear) of my life and
contact with 'contact.
Xo
Sat Jan 19, 2:06 pm
Whoa 208P something
strange just
happened... I miss my
Dad. I miss Schroeder.
I miss 'the dead' ????
That's weird.
Sat Jan 19, 2:10 pm
I wish... I really wishwe
could go back in time...
I really love the times
we have together. I
really do wish... too
much. Oh my gosh!...
Sat Jan 19, 2:53 pm
... I forgot!... tea. read.
write. reflect. imagine.
create. think. work.
practice. try. believe.
(ya see... I forgot.
Something as common
as encouragement...
Sat Jan 19, 2:56 pm
... And i forgot) ...if i
can't do that ONE
simple thing, daily...
Then i truly doubt my
purpose. ~hold~
Sat Jan 19, 2:58 pm
No, i'm okay with
making mistakes. I'm
not okay with fogetting
a 'purpose'.
Sat Jan 19, 3:19 pm
Sat Jan 19, 3:20 pm
I don't know... And i
hate that :p
Sat Jan 19, 3:21 pm
I am leaving here btw 4
& 430 then i have to go
to Miejer to pick up
some stuff... Then
home... I have been
gone since 1030a... the
house is a wreck...
Sat Jan 19, 3:43 pm
I donnt know...
Sat Jan 19, 3:44 pm
I have rehearsal from
930a - 1P tomorrow... I
dont know? When will i
be able to commit &
confirm?? I don't know?
Sat Jan 19, 3:45 pm
:p ya know what i
want??? ... To... :)
Sat Jan 19, 3:53 pm
??? I am now alone here
at the theater??? Why
do i now feel happy??? I
miss you.
Sat Jan 19, 4:05 pm
Maybe i'm not Nathan.
Because i dont know
where i belong. Where
is my 'place' ~hold~
Sat Jan 19, 4:22 pm
Write. Read. Recite.
love you, c
Sat Jan 19, 4:25 pm
I am afraid.
Sat Jan 19, 4:35 pm
No turn on red. Kendra
pact.
Sat Jan 19, 4:36 pm
What is wrong with my
mind and my thoughts.
I'm sorry.
Sat Jan 19, 4:38 pm
Ahhhhhh! JOHN
MAHONEY!
Sat Jan 19, 5:16 pm
Not really.... Just
driving &' thinking how
scared i am of the
Steppenwolf Audition
thingyness. Terrified!
Sat Jan 19, 5:18 pm
I am not of sound mind.
Sat Jan 19, 5:20 pm
Draft from this morning
follows...
Sat Jan 19, 5:24 pm
728a lost & scared. I DO
NOT KNOW: where i
am,my name,why i am
sick,who you are,what
you look like,feel
like,smell like.it is hard
to breathe &move.
Help.please.
Sat Jan 19, 5:27 pm
I hate waking up scared
like that... Doubting
who i even am :'( Just
got home. .. I am
confused, but home. I
wish i could spend an
evening with you
without...
Sat Jan 19, 5:39 pm
The guilt and? Fear of
being sick. My body is
jerking a bit now... I am
egly. You are not. I am
cold. You are not. I
wander. I am sick. You
are not...i miss yo
Sat Jan 19, 5:41 pm
PHC ~hug~
Sat Jan 19, 6:01 pm
I know... But i am afraid
And confused. And tired
and weak. I am
embarrassed. i am so
confused. so confused.
I dont feel like myself.
My head hurts. I need ...
Sat Jan 19, 6:13 pm
... Wanna come over?...
We can make Shrimp
Scampi and,... I dont
know what else???...
the house is a mess. I
cant promise my
'condition' throughout
the evening.
Sat Jan 19, 6:19 pm
We can open a special
wine.
Sat Jan 19, 6:20 pm
What if we both got
accepted???
Sun Jan 20, 12:05 am
tea. READ. Write.
recite. practice. work.
think. feel. mirror.
Study. still. know.
strengthen. imagine.
create. believe. grow.
Believe. love, c
Sun Jan 20, 10:10 am
11:11 i wish... :) Post
Scriptum: rehearsal
goin GREAT! Sleep was
pretty good, despite
the wind. :)
Sun Jan 20, 11:13 pm
... I can't. But Maureen
's and the One Act Fest
is at 2P...
Sun Jan 20, 11:46 am
:p @ theater with Mary
Tablac,Bobbie & Linda
Daniels. They are all
talking @ me. I am
smiling & nodding,
totally uninterested. Am
i bad? ~hug~
Sun Jan 20, 1:52 pm
Chest, Cock... I just
spilled 1/2 pot of the
hot water for
coffee/tea on my
chest...
OWWWWWWW! (i
forgot to send you
this... Because i was
tending to myself.)
Sun Jan 20, 1:53 pm
Hi, leaving theater. I am
stopping by Kinko to
make you 3 copies of
each of your headshots
for Stepp and wherever
else you may need.
Sun Jan 20, 2:46 pm
I am :) relaxing :) good
rehearsal, your HS's are
done, dishes done
(almost)... Time for a
little R&R. Thank YOU
for last night. ~hug~ :)
Sun Jan 20, 3:46 pm
As you might suspect,
last night memories
fade in and out. I did,
very much enjoy your
Eden. Can i hear you
recite more, soon.
~hug~ i am PROUD of
you. ~hug~
Sun Jan 20, 7:51 pm
... And i would like to
make that chicken curry
again someday. ~hug~
... And YES, YOU WILL
finish school. ~hug~
Sun Jan 20, 8:12 pm
'night Nate. keep warm.
I hope your sleep &
dreams further the
dimensions of your
play. I do not feel
alrihght. I am dreading,
tomorrow. ~hold~
Mon Jan 21, 12:02 am
tea. Read. WRITE.
recite. practice. work.
imagine. Believe.
cleanse. remember.
trust in me (please).
love, c
Mon Jan 21, 9:01 am
If you need Head Shots i
have 4 printed up and
on your bed.I work till
5P.I noticed our Stepp
Apps are due 2/8,we
both try to get them out
before end of month.
Mon Jan 21, 9:42 am
... Drafts from last night
to follow...
Mon Jan 21, 12:30 pm
321a help back hurts
bad bad rub arm scared
on bridge helpplease
Mon Jan 21, 12:31 pm
517a scared anxious
scared to wakealarm i
one onehour help me
remember please where
are you!
Mon Jan 21, 12:31 pm
621a alrm goes off in 2
mins! I am lost i am
scared! I forgot what
you tld me to do! idont
know anything! This is
your fault!help me you
said iyou would!Lost me
Mon Jan 21, 12:31 pm
703a i need to know.
Mon Jan 21, 12:32 pm
??? Tonight is my dinner
at Sandy's... I am
nervous... What if...???
You know. ~hug~ (bad
day here at work. Feel
off)
Mon Jan 21, 1:09 pm
i did not do KS script
treatment Sat
nite(obviously)or Sun.
and tonight i go to
Sandy's :'( now i am,
behind. I kenw It! (but i
wouldn't have traded
Sat nite :)
Mon Jan 21, 1:52 pm
??? When do you think
you first felt this 'Fall
off the 'Acting' horse'?
And Why, do you think?
Mon Jan 21, 2:29 pm
I wanna see if it
matches. Then we can
discuss how and why?
trust.
Mon Jan 21, 2:39 pm
Do you know, how
important you are to
me?
Mon Jan 21, 3:29 pm
Please, ponder the last
(2) text you sent me.
Thank you.
Mon Jan 21, 4:16 pm
Work a bit on Eden
today, if you have not
already. If what i told
you about presentation
of it does not feel right.
It is okay not to do what
i suggested. ~hug~
Mon Jan 21, 4:20 pm
Did you have a good
time Saturday evening?
Mon Jan 21, 5:32 pm
I should have let YOU do
more of the 'cooking'
though?
Mon Jan 21, 5:34 pm
Not doubting... An
observation. It was
suppose to be 'us'
cooking, not 'you'
chopping garlic and
'me' doing the rest...
When 'we' cook i'd like
you to be...
Mon Jan 21, 5:37 pm
the 'hands on'... i
already know how. I
have some neat new
recipies.easy. That i
want to try... with doing
the work and me...
watching over.
Mon Jan 21, 5:39 pm
...some really Fun
sounding thing from
just desserts like a
cheesecake, pound
cake to spaghetti sauce,
jambalay and soups!...
We both gotta eat! :)
Mon Jan 21, 5:48 pm
Going to sandy/steve's
for dinner now... Which
me luck :p (very
nervous) ~hug~
Mon Jan 21, 6:40 pm
Thank you... I just dont
wanna get sick...
Mon Jan 21, 6:45 pm
Is there a moment in
PWF that Adam had a
'monologue'?
Mon Jan 21, 10:49 pm
Is there a moment in
PWF that Adam had a
'monologue'? ??? Isn't it
the book reading
scene???
Mon Jan 21, 10:50 pm
That's what i thought...
You just mimed it out.
But the interaction to
the moment was so
good i thought it came
from you. And
technically it did. Good
job :)
Mon Jan 21, 10:56 pm
Pill tonight?
Mon Jan 21, 11:20 pm
K... Keep warm. (house
is cold) could you pull
together Brandon's
opening as a mono
together for me, do you
think?
Mon Jan 21, 11:29 pm
'night Nate. ~hug~
Tue Jan 22, 12:14 am
'night Nate. ~hug~
(candlelight too)
Tue Jan 22, 12:17 am
TEA.read. Study.listen.
determine. teach.
imagine. Write. Grow.
feel. think. recite.
Work. practice. Stand.
TRY. Believe.
EXPERIMENT. love, c
Tue Jan 22, 9:01 am
strengthen. reflect.
ponder. ~trust~
Tue Jan 22, 10:08 am
1040a... Wow, what a
horrible day... But
SLEEP was good, thank
you... Took another
Xanax this a.m. (for
work) i am so 'doped'...
Want to talk later...
~hug~
Tue Jan 22, 10:43 am
I KNOW that i can help
you on a path of
feeling:happy, safe,
adventurous and joy.
And Confident of your
'place', 'direction' &
Acting/Performance/
Writing. ~hug~
Tue Jan 22, 12:02 pm
Maybe you could try... I
am only trying to help. I
listen to you.(even
when i sometimes don't
want to), because i trust
you & you are my
friend.
Tue Jan 22, 12:18 pm
... The outcome may
just help us both... To
be content, happier,
less fearful, and
stronger. And happy
with thoughts of the
future & present. ~hug~
Tue Jan 22, 12:24 pm
1234P i wish... for you,
three things...
Tue Jan 22, 12:35 pm
I will show (teach) you. I
am sleeping better,
with your help... thank
you.
Tue Jan 22, 1:38 pm
A little... Probably in
you collection(?) whatz
up? :)
Tue Jan 22, 2:23 pm
... Omg....please get me
out of this place! xo
(actually, i once
entertained the thought
of directing The Seagull
YEARS AGO)
Tue Jan 22, 2:27 pm
YOU Can.
Tu Jan 22, 3:20 pm
I HATE THIS
COMPANY...
EVERYONE IS
FUCKED!!!
Tue Jan 22, 9:19 pm
NEVERMIND! IT
DOESN'T MATTER. IT
JUST DOESTN MATTER.
THINGS WON'T
CHANGE!
NEVERMIND!!!
Tue Jan 22, 9:37 pm
Bullshit!
Tue Jan 22, 9:47 pm
But I don't listen to you
Tue Jan 22, 10:00 pm
Well, that's what YOU
throw at me... So
WHY... TRUST YOU???
why listen to you???
You dont listen to me.
You dont trust me! It
hurts!
Tue Jan 2, 10:14 pm
To many people at BP
get caught up in the
EXCITEMENT and run.
Wanna know what
happened at the rest of
the meeting???
Tue Jan 22, 10:19 pm
Then you should have
stayed instead of
getting all EXCITED and
run.
Tue Jan 22, 10:22 pm
That's the Power of
Vaginas and the
weakness of the 'head'.
Tue Jan 22, 10:24 pm
NEVERMIND! JUST
FUCKING NEVERMIND!
Tue Jan 22, 10:29 pm
1234a i wish... (love, c
~hug~) 'night Nate
Wed Jan 23, 12:34 am
tea. Read. Write. Let me
help you. Recite.
Practice. Imagine.
Grow. Strengthen.
Reflect. Seek. See. Feel.
Know. Please, let me
help you, trust me. Try,
love, c
Wed Jan 23, 9:02 am
The SLEEP WAS GREAT!
I SLEPT SO DEEP AND
SOUNDLY! IN A
BLANKET OF
RESTFULLNESS!! i
dread work(soon) but i
have the feeling of sleep
to remember.keep
helping me.
Wed Jan 23, 9:03 am
I CAN, get you back, on
the horse, Feeling joy
and being happy with
your talent, ability &
potential. Help me. Help
you. ~hug~
Wed Jan 23, 9:05 am
Do not trust what the
birds tell you!
Sat Jan 12, 5:05 pm
IVE GOT TO GO!!!
TRUST ME DAMMIT! IM
NOT HERE FOR
NOTHING. YOU DONT
KNOW. TRUST ME . I
AM GOING!
Sat Jan 12, 5:07 pm
Please0dont hurt me if i
rot. I do care about you.
Scripts 5
Sat Jan 12, 5:22 pm
I wish everybody would
STOP HURTING ME!
Sat Jan 12, 5:36 pm
539P i herd the geese.
Two just flew overhead.
Ouch! Fuck!!!!! I
want to die.... Poop!
Why!!!?????? +why
bother????????????????
??????? Never mind
Sat Jan 12, 5:42 pm
Black. Black. Black.
Black. Black. Black.
Black. Black. Black.
Black. Black. Black.
Black. Black. Black.
Black. Black. Black.
Black. Black. Black.
Black. Black.
Sat Jan 12, 5:47 pm
Its nice to know youre
out there
Sat Jan 12, 5:50 pm
say hi to everyone for
me.
Sat Jan 12, 5:52 pm
Anakin
Sat Jan 12, 5:54 pm
When can i hear you
recite? Anything: a
collection of
monologues???
Something from
Eden???
improvisational???
Doesnnt matter.
Sat Jan 12, 7:34 pm
Thank you, for being
there, for me. ~hug~
Sat Jan 12, 10:12 pm
tea. read. provide. heal.
seek. see. know. feel.
imagine. visualize.
study. practice. work.
recite. write. relate.
knowledge. respond.
cleanse. reflect. love, c
Sun Jan 13, 10:25 am
At reheatsal... hard to
focus. :'(
Sun Jan 13, 1:09 pm
I need to yell... I need to
scream. not in anger. I
need to let out: pain,
fear, doubt, frustration.
BLACK, loneliness.
~hug~ help me. ~hug~
Sun Jan 13, 3:56 pm
I know. I feele like a
pulled tight rubber
band... An onver fillerd
ballonon to burdt.... It
hurts!!? It is the dark the
blank wanting out!! It
hurts!! My mind
Sun Jan 13, 4:11 pm
IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!
Sun Jan 13, 4:17 pm
Drafts from Fraday a.m.
follow...
Sun Jan 13, 4:22 pm
1239a there is an army
of Aliens surrounding
this house. HELP ME!
PLEASE!
Sun Jan 13, 4:23 pm
I had 3 dreams thru the
night. All deal with
stage/screen/scripts...
You were in a few. ...
Whew. ~hug~
Sun Jan 13, 4:24 pm
932a i'm confused. I
need help to
understand.
Sun Jan 13, 4:25 pm
Drafts from this
morning follow...
Sun Jan 13, 4:25 pm
(wYw) 308a
Sun Jan 13, 4:25 pm
(wYw) 628a if possible
Sun Jan 13, 4:25 pm
704a bad imagrs i am
scared
Sun Jan 13, 4:25 pm
821a something
everything feels off
wrong. I donot feel
myself. Bad night. Very
weak. I nneed. Yoour
help. Somehow. I dont
know. Help me focus
center.i need som
Sun Jan 13, 4:26 pm
Please, can you help me
sleep? ~hug~
Sun Jan 13, 4:36 pm
Everytime i want to, go
to, intimately work on
KS or SoaT, i fail. I
cannot create the
'imagination' to
treatment the piece. I
have no 'place'. Help
me.
Sun Jan 13, 4:27 pm
(it was a rough nite /
morning) ... I worry...
Why have a signal that
means HELP if i am too
guilty to use it...When i
need to really have your
help?? thank you
Sun Jan 13, 4:30 pm
never mind.
Sun Jan 13, 4:40 pm
Im lost.
Sun Jan 13, 4:55 pm
'night Nate. I have failed
(you) again. Another
night of giving up and
giving in to Black. I did
NOTHING but sit in
darkness;
afraid,frightened and
alone. ~hug~
Sun Jan 13, 11:06 pm
843a i am in my
driveway.Started my
car and began to
cry.You donnot cry
because you are lucky.I
am sorry, to you and
Murphy, because i am a
bother in your lives
Mon Jan 14, 8:44 am
tea. read. write. hug.
hold. caress. love.
touch.kiss. feel.
imagine. create.
explore. enjoy. eat.
drink. live. c (i miss
you) Post Scriptum: i
believe in you.
Mon Jan 14, 9:09 am
908a i have given up.If
you need anything.I am
here,for you. Because i
care about you.i believe
in you;the person that
you are and the
potential you have
~hug~
Mon Jan 14, 9:12 am
I have had my phone
OFF all day. We have
been seeing pts. From
9a to present. Still at
work, still seeing pts.
not a single break. Not
even lunch...
Mon Jan 14, 4:34 pm
... Misc 'drafts' to
follow...
Mon Jan 14, 4:36 pm
239a (wYw)
Mon Jan 14, 4:37 pm
456a Nathan. I'm lost. I
cannot do this alone. I
need your help. Can you
please help me.?
Mon Jan 14, 4:37 pm
503a yup.I know i
should be stronger than
i am. The MS has
weakened me.I do need
your help. Can you help
me.Please? I will help
you. I dont know what
day it is?
Mon Jan 14, 4:38 pm
650a dream- your dad,
you & i directing a
GIGANTIC production
of Sweeney Todd... (you
also play Tob y)
Mon Jan 14, 4:38 pm
711a i wish...
Mon Jan 14, 5:39 pm
??? You 'safe' mono...
That, i guess, is in your
hands. Since you need
by tomorrow??? Only
you know what is and
would be a Stretch for
you...
Mon Jan 14, 4:45 pm
Can't talk... Still with
patients... ??? Your
safe???... If you could
consider... CLEAR
GLASS MARBLES (AS
STRETCH)... SOUNDS
NEAT...
Mon Jan 14, 4:55 pm
... Yes... I do need, to be
watched out for...
Alone is difficult. But i
am difficult... And you
have others. I
understand. Yes, i need
you.
Mon Jan 14, 5:00 pm
What are your
suggestions for safe &
stretch... (read...
Foresight... Prepare)
~hug~
Mon Jan 14, 5:01 pm
I am sorry, that. I need.
(your help).we can help
each other. It is the only
way.
Mon Jan 14, 5:06 pm
Find (know) your
stretch that YOU want
to conquer. Let me
know your picks. Thank
you.
Mon Jan 14, 5:20 pm
Reason's for each?
Mon Jan 14, 5:32 pm
Sadly, because of my
illness i remember little
of Cameron's mono
BUT remember your
portrayl very well
:)...this is why i wished
for you to recite monos
for me..
Mon Jan 14, 5:36 pm
Edmund, i agree... It
needs to be better... It
needs to be YOURS...
make it good for
Steppenwolf & other
future Auds (get back
on the horse! :)... Good
choices.
Mon Jan 14, 5:38 pm
... And to polar
opposites! GO for It!!!
(show this class and te
instructor What they
are up against :) give
them something to aim
for...
Mon Jan 14, 5:40 pm
As you KNOW YOU
CAN! ... i will email you
tonight. The distance
we have had over the
ladt two weeks has
added to my 'fear' of
you. ... I need to get
over...
Mon Jan 14, 5:42 pm
... Over this :') i fear,
friendship.i fear
admiration, because i
fear loss. ~hug~ but i
need you to know. YOU
HELP ME. SO MUCH.
and i fear lossing 'my
ground.
Mon Jan 14, 5:45 pm
I want, this year, to get
over my fear of 'you'.
Because, this year will
begin the year where
we will both conquer
our fear & doubt and
thus (part)... ~hug~
Mon Jan 14, 5:48 pm
We have this year to
become so close as
friends and companions
that the parting means,
just the beginning :)
Mon Jan 14, 5:50 pm
We will both, get on the
horse that bears us
away and we will be
brave, together. You
said, "together, we will
find a way...."
Mon Jan 14, 5:53 pm
Your voice mail... has
brought a ray of 'live'
back into my life. Thank
you.
Mon Jan 14, 5:58 pm
You have allowed me to
cross 2 items off my to
do list for today: 1) live
& 2) be helped.
Mon Jan 14, 6:00 pm
Observation: you ARE
observant with you eyes
and mind. How
observant are you with
you other senses?
Could you be more, do
you think?
Mon Jan 14, 6:25 pm
What?
Mon Jan 14, 6:38 pm
... About the 'more', i
mean do you use other
senses to 'observe'?
Mon Jan 14, 6:41 pm
I'm going to tell you
something... That wine
YOU picked at Karma
Vista? Remember i said i
knew why it was right
for you to pcik?
Devilhead Red???
Mon Jan 14, 6:46 pm
... Because it 'smelled'
like you. :) It's bouquet,
it's 'air', smelled the
same as 'you'. Your
scent. I knew it the
minute i put my nose in
the glass. :) ...
Mon Jan 14, 6:50 pm
How nutz am i now? :p
Mon Jan 14, 6:51 pm
821 P i am in dark.
Watching a british
sitcom... I feel myself
slipping away. Always
slipping without
anchorage! Where do i
belong?!Alien yawns.
Alien.
Mon Jan 14, 8:30 pm
I quwtitoin
relationschip????
Mon Jan 14, 8:57 pm
I dont feel very good.
My internet is down so i
cannot write you.and i
feel it would be
pointless anyway.
Because i am poitless.
Meaningless. Loveless.
Purpose-
Mon Jan 14, 10:48 pm
less. Embodidless.... I
am going to turn off the
light and be where i
belong. In the Black. If
you didnt have all you
were doing i would ask
you to take over...
Mon Jan 14, 10:52 pm
KS, Soat... Everything i
will fail at. Because you
succeed. You have Ut,
school, PG, UOUTH
theater, friends, love,
intimacy, popularity,
creativity, Potential,
Mon Jan 14, 10:55 pm
Talent, ability, looks,
ability, intelligence.... A
pretty total package. I
am weaker, and more
transparent everyday. I
am a staple.... a 'part' of
the office...
Mon Jan 14, 10:57 pm
a 'part' of the theater, a
'part' of the house. Just,
a part - never a whole. I
am waeker and
crumbling more
everyday. I never will
reach the potential i ...
Mon Jan 14, 11:01 pm
... Thought, i knew, i
had, when,well, i was
23 :') ... To be a
writer,artist, designer,
director, (actor) author,
performer... And now, i
go to BP, like going
Mon Jan 14, 11:04 pm
Going to the office. I
pulled up to last
Saturday's build and got
out of the car and
out-loud said"god i hate
it here." at BP. :'( I
HAVE NO PLACE...my
place(s)
Mon Jan 14, 11:07 pm
went with my past.
Hollywood (film),
NYC/CHICAGO/MINNE
APOLIS/BOSTON
(stage), Europe (art)...
You are, Limitless,
Nathan! I feel a cry
coming on... So best...
Mon Jan 14, 11:11 pm
Hah 11:11 No need to
wish.I'll go to sleep
alone
again,tonight.YOU, ARE
SO LUCKY(your bed is
warmed) sleep
well(dream your
potential)'night Nate.
love you.~hug~
Mon Jan 14, 11:18 pm
901a crying.
Tue Jan 15, 9:01 am
The sun was rising and
shining into your room
this morning it looked
so comforting and
inviting. To tea and read
and ponder by...
Tue Jan 15, 9:19 am
~hug~ (s.l.y.) thank you
Tue Jan 15, 9:59 am
11:11 a hah i could make
a wish .... But i wish no
more because i
CANNOOT DO THIS
ANY MORE! move on
nate. Write your
plays.write your
movies, star on stage...
Tue Jan 15, 11:21 am
Star in films. star on tv.
Win awards. Light up
the sky with your
fucking talent, ability.
And potential. OR END
UP LIKE ME.
REGRETTING 25 YEARS
OF LIFE...
Tue Jan 15, 11:24 am
I want to give up WITH
EVERYTHIN AND
EVERYONE! I AM NOT
WORTH IT. I AM NOT
WORTH ANYTHING. I
AM A WASTE. iam
nothing I AM SORRY. I
HAVE NO DIRECTION,
NO ORDER
Tue Jan 15, 11:31 am
If i resign from BP...
WHAT would happen? I
don't know.
Tue Jan 15, 4:36 pm
Hope you are able to get
this... Thank you. You
help me. ~hug~ i hope i
can help you. My
rehearsal was great.
Hope yours was. I
believe and have faith in
you.
Tue Jan 15, 11:50 pm
'night Nate. Post
Scriptum: it's okay to
yell. (sign of passion)
~hug~
Wed Jan 16, 12:04 am
;) ~hug~ 'hight.
Wed Jan 16, 12:30 am
Any suggestions on i
can0get to sleep better
& deeper. My lights are
out Murph is snuggled
into me... I really want
to sleep (like you) how
do i begin?
Wed Jan 16, 12:35 am
You said, "Together, we
will...". Today, i will be
stronger FOR YOU.
Today, be brave FOR
ME. Together, FOR
GOOD. WE CAN make it
happen.
Wed Jan 16, 8:59 am
tea. read (something
you normally wouldn't).
see (something you've
never seen before).
imagine (something
remarkable). write.
feel. be. Try. love, c
Wed Jan 16, 9:00 am
I Believe in YOU. thank
you. ~hug~
Wed Jan 16, 9:00 am
I would like to spend
time with you and cook
something and
seriously discuss 13-14
and 14-15 Seasons :)
Wed Jan 16, 11:03 am
It's okay.
Wed Jan 16, 12:39 pm
I know. ~hug~
Wed Jan 16, 12:54 pm
Oops.... Out of
nowhere... Just got all
panicked about
Steppenwolf Aud???
DOUBT!
Wed Jan 16, 3:47 pm
~hug~ (s.l.y.)
Wed Jan 16, 4:22 pm
Holy fuck! 13 Text
messages and 4
voicemails from
Susan... i hope to hear
you recite something
(anything) to me soon...
It relaxes me :)
Wed Jan 16, 4:57 pm
Holy shit... Why am i so
nervous about this
Steppenwolf thing?!
Wed Jan 16, 5:01 pm
I am totally no good
here... Bill will notice
nobdy else will
maybe...m!!?i'm really a
waste herebut to point
and say do.. Bill is here
nw xxxxoooo
Wed Jan 16, 7:37 pm
Im a waste!
Wed Jan 16, 7:43 pm
Fuck you! For not being
a waste!
Wed Jan 16, 7:43 pm
Im sorry im soryyyr im
sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyy
Wed Jan 16, 7:44 pm
Oh god im sooorry i m
nbnothering you im
sorrruyyyyyyyyy
Wed Jan 16, 7:45 pm
Im sorry
Wed Jan 16, 7:48 pm
I shouldnt even be
here!!! But if not me....
Whlo??!
Wed Jan 16, 7:49 pm
I at the theather and
alos fucking lost all at
the same time!!? This
fucking sucks!!! And
ihavent eaten since
yesterday. And im lost
in a building! That
sucks!
Wed Jan 16, 8:16 pm
Here are drafts.m....!
Wed Jan 16, 8:18 pm
453a water spine hurts
Wed Jan 16, 8:19 pm
cigarette into my flesh.
Because i dont care. I
have cried already this
morning, who cares.i
look at my ugly self in
the mirror. Who cares? i
dont care...
Wed Jan 16, 8:21 pm
I have a bottle of 60
Xanax (double amount)
everyday i pour it all
into my hand. I could
down it all at once. i
dont. Because i believe
in you. ~hug~
Wed Jan 16, 8:22 pm
610a im trying its hard.
To breath back hurts i
know you cant i sorry
wish you were here to
help my bak hurts thanl
you
Wed Jan 16, 8:22 pm
840a i poked myself in
the eye with a hanger, i
dont care. I cut myself
shaving, i dont care. If i
had a lover too, i would
ask them to press a
burning...
Wed Jan 16, 8:22 pm
630a water i cannott
move my right arem
pleas help me sewer
Wed Jan 16, 8:22 pm
Thats it for drafts. I just
want to say. I hate me. I
love you. Thats all. I
shouldnt be here. Bye.
Wed Jan 16, 8:23 pm
There are deer in the
aprprtment but i am
here in the teheater
Wed Jan 16, 8:43 pm
Imaginary invalid vs
tartuffe DO I
EXISTS?!?!?!?!?! IN
YOUR WORLD!?!?!
Wed Jan 16, 8:52 pm
DO I EXSIST!!!!?????
Wed Jan 16, 8:59 pm
Im becoming very angry
and violant! Everybody
will be leaving soon and
i will be here being
intervied bt Tim
majlizk!?! What is my
name? What mono r u
steppenw?
Wed Jan 16, 9:13 pm
What do i do NOW?!
YOU cant help me
becuase your are there
already helping
someone else so i will
do this alone. I am going
home i guess? I
tubular? Fucked.
Wed Jan 16, 10:05 pm
You should have
rehearsed you
shouldhave
Wed Jan 16, 10:07 pm
Hah you are as afraid of
being alone as i am :p
you are as afraid of
losing people as i am :p
hah
Wed Jan 16, 10:11 pm
Riddle me this Batbouy:
Who are You?
Wed Jan 16, 10:23 pm
I thank you should apply
for BADA & act again
too... Maybe the
Strasberg school
(acting) too. ~hug~ Post
Scriptum: i still do nt
know who i am
Wed Jan 16, 10:37 pm
tea. read. write. cum.
prioritize. strengthen.
grow. cum. ignore.
imagine. create. give.
use. reflect. accept.
join. cheat. comfort.
come. explore.
rest.love,c
Thu Jan 17, 9:01 am
902a i'm at
work,again,naturally,an
d... I don't care. THIS is
my
EVERYDAY,EVERYMIN
UTE. MY LIFE. I AM A
WASTE.
Thu Jan 17, 9:05 am
I can do nothing right. I
can please no one. I am
loved by no one. I AM
ALONE. you are lucky.
You are relied upon.
You provide. You are
loved. You are lucky.
Thu Jan 17, 9:08 am
Gotta be honest...i
originally text you last
night 'rehearsal
tonight?'... Because i
needed you, and
couldnt bring myself to
tell you or ask for your
help.
Thu Jan 17, 12:41 pm
... So that then lead to
not being able to send
these 3 drafts... I dont
know what to do?...
Thu Jan 17, 12:46 pm
(wYw) 444a(wYw)
Thu Jan 17, 12:47 pm
(wYw) 508_a please
hurts harfd
Thu Jan 17, 12:47 pm
Hard to brerathr 622a
Thu Jan 17, 12:47 pm
thank you. ~hug~
Thu Jan 17, 12:48 pm
Sorry about bothering
you three last night. I
was pretty sick.
Thu Jan 17, 4:07 pm
You must be crying.
because i cant.
Thu Jan 17, 5:13 pm
Sorry. Missed your call
...in rehearsal. Sorry.
Thu Jan 17, 7:12 pm
Adam is a little, 'flat
line'.... :)
Thu Jan 17, 8:22 pm
I wrote the following
earlier tonight...
Thu Jan 17, 11:32 pm
a chilling moon. It
throws me off. I seek
warmth.It is not fair
that mymind & body arf
aflicted with an illness
that weakens and
blackens me...Not
fair.~hold~
Thu Jan 17, 11:32 pm
About 30 minutes
before your call i was
pondering how to
resign as Artistic
Director and give up
after KS.??? ??? ??? i am
VERY happy you
enjoyed yourself!
Thu Jan 17, 11:41 pm
Just took pill, friend.
thank you. ~hug~ 'night
Nate. Post Scriptum:
love you.
Thu Jan 17, 11:42 pm
I am a little worried
about this(?)
Fri Jan 18, 12:01 am
tea. read. WRITE.
recite. practice.
rehearse. imagine. see.
feel. know. breathe.
ENJOY. believe.
Perform. love
you,always, c
Fri Jan 18, 8:58 am
Well, maybe i reached
stage 3 (you should look
up this stuff). Slept
'deeper' but not to your
depths :) i showered
and feel 'better'.We'll
see what day brings
Fri Jan 18, 9:11 am
YOU, have FUN! We
say, get the job in what
you like to do,and you
will enjoy doing it. So,
PERFORM! and say to
yourself"I like doing
this.This IS what I DO!"
Fri Jan 18, 1:32 pm
do this, and you are on
your way to doing what
many search for,THE
JOB they like to do,
because it is what they
WANT to do...Together
WE will find a way.
love,c
Fri Jan 18, 1:33 pm
Nathan, you are lucky
because you are who
you are. I am lucky
because you are in my
life. C
Fri Jan 18, 1:33 pm
I am driving and yelling
at you. ~hug~
Fri Jan 18, 2:17 pm
And you werre right... I
cant remember the
'profound' statement i
made last night that
applies to us ...
Fri Jan 18, 2:19 pm
I know. That is why i
wrote 'WRITE' this a.m.
in Caps. I could 'feel'
from the way you spoke
last night, you would
approach today with
more confidence.
Fri Jan 18, 3:25 pm
BUT... when it is time to
rehearse, you will be
more of an actor that a
writer. Because YOU,
my wonderful friend,
are limitless! ~hug~
Fri Jan 18, 3:25 pm
I,sadly, am losing
confidence in myself as
the minutes tick away...
I want to do SO MUCH
this afternoon and
evening with scripts,
but doubt my ability :'(
xo
Fri Jan 18, 3:29 pm
I really think you are
great!
Fri Jan 18, 3:32 pm
Hah... Hope you're
wearing your 'writer's
cap' ? Just wait till you
get your own Writer's
desk (soon) ~hug~
Fri Jan 18, 3:47 pm
It is 4P. My WORK week
is over. It is SO
important to make the
rest of today MINE. I
want to feel good.
Suggestions?
Fri Jan 18, 4:05 pm
Recite for me (soon).
Monologues, Eden,
improv... I miss it. And i
will need help prepping
for Steppenwolf Auds...
Fri Jan 18, 4:12 pm
have a good rehearsal
~hug~
Fri Jan 18, 6:55 pm
I feel more like a writer
than an actor today
(what's important is
that YOU feel like
something! I hope i can
feel that, or anything
again, someday ~hold~)
Fri Jan 18, 7:02 pm
Got you VM.I am here
at build till 4P (5'ish). I
really don't know...
anything :'( i get
frightened to commit to
anything or anyone...
Feeling ill all the time
Sat Jan 19, 2:03 pm
I live a rollercoaster of
wellness... I nvere
know(?) i just don't
know how, what' were
and when. I lose control
(fear) of my life and
contact with 'contact.
Xo
Sat Jan 19, 2:06 pm
Whoa 208P something
strange just
happened... I miss my
Dad. I miss Schroeder.
I miss 'the dead' ????
That's weird.
Sat Jan 19, 2:10 pm
I wish... I really wishwe
could go back in time...
I really love the times
we have together. I
really do wish... too
much. Oh my gosh!...
Sat Jan 19, 2:53 pm
... I forgot!... tea. read.
write. reflect. imagine.
create. think. work.
practice. try. believe.
(ya see... I forgot.
Something as common
as encouragement...
Sat Jan 19, 2:56 pm
... And i forgot) ...if i
can't do that ONE
simple thing, daily...
Then i truly doubt my
purpose. ~hold~
Sat Jan 19, 2:58 pm
No, i'm okay with
making mistakes. I'm
not okay with fogetting
a 'purpose'.
Sat Jan 19, 3:19 pm
Sat Jan 19, 3:20 pm
I don't know... And i
hate that :p
Sat Jan 19, 3:21 pm
I am leaving here btw 4
& 430 then i have to go
to Miejer to pick up
some stuff... Then
home... I have been
gone since 1030a... the
house is a wreck...
Sat Jan 19, 3:43 pm
I donnt know...
Sat Jan 19, 3:44 pm
I have rehearsal from
930a - 1P tomorrow... I
dont know? When will i
be able to commit &
confirm?? I don't know?
Sat Jan 19, 3:45 pm
:p ya know what i
want??? ... To... :)
Sat Jan 19, 3:53 pm
??? I am now alone here
at the theater??? Why
do i now feel happy??? I
miss you.
Sat Jan 19, 4:05 pm
Maybe i'm not Nathan.
Because i dont know
where i belong. Where
is my 'place' ~hold~
Sat Jan 19, 4:22 pm
Write. Read. Recite.
love you, c
Sat Jan 19, 4:25 pm
I am afraid.
Sat Jan 19, 4:35 pm
No turn on red. Kendra
pact.
Sat Jan 19, 4:36 pm
What is wrong with my
mind and my thoughts.
I'm sorry.
Sat Jan 19, 4:38 pm
Ahhhhhh! JOHN
MAHONEY!
Sat Jan 19, 5:16 pm
Not really.... Just
driving &' thinking how
scared i am of the
Steppenwolf Audition
thingyness. Terrified!
Sat Jan 19, 5:18 pm
I am not of sound mind.
Sat Jan 19, 5:20 pm
Draft from this morning
follows...
Sat Jan 19, 5:24 pm
728a lost & scared. I DO
NOT KNOW: where i
am,my name,why i am
sick,who you are,what
you look like,feel
like,smell like.it is hard
to breathe &move.
Help.please.
Sat Jan 19, 5:27 pm
I hate waking up scared
like that... Doubting
who i even am :'( Just
got home. .. I am
confused, but home. I
wish i could spend an
evening with you
without...
Sat Jan 19, 5:39 pm
The guilt and? Fear of
being sick. My body is
jerking a bit now... I am
egly. You are not. I am
cold. You are not. I
wander. I am sick. You
are not...i miss yo
Sat Jan 19, 5:41 pm
PHC ~hug~
Sat Jan 19, 6:01 pm
I know... But i am afraid
And confused. And tired
and weak. I am
embarrassed. i am so
confused. so confused.
I dont feel like myself.
My head hurts. I need ...
Sat Jan 19, 6:13 pm
... Wanna come over?...
We can make Shrimp
Scampi and,... I dont
know what else???...
the house is a mess. I
cant promise my
'condition' throughout
the evening.
Sat Jan 19, 6:19 pm
We can open a special
wine.
Sat Jan 19, 6:20 pm
What if we both got
accepted???
Sun Jan 20, 12:05 am
tea. READ. Write.
recite. practice. work.
think. feel. mirror.
Study. still. know.
strengthen. imagine.
create. believe. grow.
Believe. love, c
Sun Jan 20, 10:10 am
11:11 i wish... :) Post
Scriptum: rehearsal
goin GREAT! Sleep was
pretty good, despite
the wind. :)
Sun Jan 20, 11:13 pm
... I can't. But Maureen
's and the One Act Fest
is at 2P...
Sun Jan 20, 11:46 am
:p @ theater with Mary
Tablac,Bobbie & Linda
Daniels. They are all
talking @ me. I am
smiling & nodding,
totally uninterested. Am
i bad? ~hug~
Sun Jan 20, 1:52 pm
Chest, Cock... I just
spilled 1/2 pot of the
hot water for
coffee/tea on my
chest...
OWWWWWWW! (i
forgot to send you
this... Because i was
tending to myself.)
Sun Jan 20, 1:53 pm
Hi, leaving theater. I am
stopping by Kinko to
make you 3 copies of
each of your headshots
for Stepp and wherever
else you may need.
Sun Jan 20, 2:46 pm
I am :) relaxing :) good
rehearsal, your HS's are
done, dishes done
(almost)... Time for a
little R&R. Thank YOU
for last night. ~hug~ :)
Sun Jan 20, 3:46 pm
As you might suspect,
last night memories
fade in and out. I did,
very much enjoy your
Eden. Can i hear you
recite more, soon.
~hug~ i am PROUD of
you. ~hug~
Sun Jan 20, 7:51 pm
... And i would like to
make that chicken curry
again someday. ~hug~
... And YES, YOU WILL
finish school. ~hug~
Sun Jan 20, 8:12 pm
'night Nate. keep warm.
I hope your sleep &
dreams further the
dimensions of your
play. I do not feel
alrihght. I am dreading,
tomorrow. ~hold~
Mon Jan 21, 12:02 am
tea. Read. WRITE.
recite. practice. work.
imagine. Believe.
cleanse. remember.
trust in me (please).
love, c
Mon Jan 21, 9:01 am
If you need Head Shots i
have 4 printed up and
on your bed.I work till
5P.I noticed our Stepp
Apps are due 2/8,we
both try to get them out
before end of month.
Mon Jan 21, 9:42 am
... Drafts from last night
to follow...
Mon Jan 21, 12:30 pm
321a help back hurts
bad bad rub arm scared
on bridge helpplease
Mon Jan 21, 12:31 pm
517a scared anxious
scared to wakealarm i
one onehour help me
remember please where
are you!
Mon Jan 21, 12:31 pm
621a alrm goes off in 2
mins! I am lost i am
scared! I forgot what
you tld me to do! idont
know anything! This is
your fault!help me you
said iyou would!Lost me
Mon Jan 21, 12:31 pm
703a i need to know.
Mon Jan 21, 12:32 pm
??? Tonight is my dinner
at Sandy's... I am
nervous... What if...???
You know. ~hug~ (bad
day here at work. Feel
off)
Mon Jan 21, 1:09 pm
i did not do KS script
treatment Sat
nite(obviously)or Sun.
and tonight i go to
Sandy's :'( now i am,
behind. I kenw It! (but i
wouldn't have traded
Sat nite :)
Mon Jan 21, 1:52 pm
??? When do you think
you first felt this 'Fall
off the 'Acting' horse'?
And Why, do you think?
Mon Jan 21, 2:29 pm
I wanna see if it
matches. Then we can
discuss how and why?
trust.
Mon Jan 21, 2:39 pm
Do you know, how
important you are to
me?
Mon Jan 21, 3:29 pm
Please, ponder the last
(2) text you sent me.
Thank you.
Mon Jan 21, 4:16 pm
Work a bit on Eden
today, if you have not
already. If what i told
you about presentation
of it does not feel right.
It is okay not to do what
i suggested. ~hug~
Mon Jan 21, 4:20 pm
Did you have a good
time Saturday evening?
Mon Jan 21, 5:32 pm
I should have let YOU do
more of the 'cooking'
though?
Mon Jan 21, 5:34 pm
Not doubting... An
observation. It was
suppose to be 'us'
cooking, not 'you'
chopping garlic and
'me' doing the rest...
When 'we' cook i'd like
you to be...
Mon Jan 21, 5:37 pm
the 'hands on'... i
already know how. I
have some neat new
recipies.easy. That i
want to try... with doing
the work and me...
watching over.
Mon Jan 21, 5:39 pm
...some really Fun
sounding thing from
just desserts like a
cheesecake, pound
cake to spaghetti sauce,
jambalay and soups!...
We both gotta eat! :)
Mon Jan 21, 5:48 pm
Going to sandy/steve's
for dinner now... Which
me luck :p (very
nervous) ~hug~
Mon Jan 21, 6:40 pm
Thank you... I just dont
wanna get sick...
Mon Jan 21, 6:45 pm
Is there a moment in
PWF that Adam had a
'monologue'?
Mon Jan 21, 10:49 pm
Is there a moment in
PWF that Adam had a
'monologue'? ??? Isn't it
the book reading
scene???
Mon Jan 21, 10:50 pm
That's what i thought...
You just mimed it out.
But the interaction to
the moment was so
good i thought it came
from you. And
technically it did. Good
job :)
Mon Jan 21, 10:56 pm
Pill tonight?
Mon Jan 21, 11:20 pm
K... Keep warm. (house
is cold) could you pull
together Brandon's
opening as a mono
together for me, do you
think?
Mon Jan 21, 11:29 pm
'night Nate. ~hug~
Tue Jan 22, 12:14 am
'night Nate. ~hug~
(candlelight too)
Tue Jan 22, 12:17 am
TEA.read. Study.listen.
determine. teach.
imagine. Write. Grow.
feel. think. recite.
Work. practice. Stand.
TRY. Believe.
EXPERIMENT. love, c
Tue Jan 22, 9:01 am
strengthen. reflect.
ponder. ~trust~
Tue Jan 22, 10:08 am
1040a... Wow, what a
horrible day... But
SLEEP was good, thank
you... Took another
Xanax this a.m. (for
work) i am so 'doped'...
Want to talk later...
~hug~
Tue Jan 22, 10:43 am
I KNOW that i can help
you on a path of
feeling:happy, safe,
adventurous and joy.
And Confident of your
'place', 'direction' &
Acting/Performance/
Writing. ~hug~
Tue Jan 22, 12:02 pm
Maybe you could try... I
am only trying to help. I
listen to you.(even
when i sometimes don't
want to), because i trust
you & you are my
friend.
Tue Jan 22, 12:18 pm
... The outcome may
just help us both... To
be content, happier,
less fearful, and
stronger. And happy
with thoughts of the
future & present. ~hug~
Tue Jan 22, 12:24 pm
1234P i wish... for you,
three things...
Tue Jan 22, 12:35 pm
I will show (teach) you. I
am sleeping better,
with your help... thank
you.
Tue Jan 22, 1:38 pm
A little... Probably in
you collection(?) whatz
up? :)
Tue Jan 22, 2:23 pm
... Omg....please get me
out of this place! xo
(actually, i once
entertained the thought
of directing The Seagull
YEARS AGO)
Tue Jan 22, 2:27 pm
YOU Can.
Tu Jan 22, 3:20 pm
I HATE THIS
COMPANY...
EVERYONE IS
FUCKED!!!
Tue Jan 22, 9:19 pm
NEVERMIND! IT
DOESN'T MATTER. IT
JUST DOESTN MATTER.
THINGS WON'T
CHANGE!
NEVERMIND!!!
Tue Jan 22, 9:37 pm
Bullshit!
Tue Jan 22, 9:47 pm
But I don't listen to you
Tue Jan 22, 10:00 pm
Well, that's what YOU
throw at me... So
WHY... TRUST YOU???
why listen to you???
You dont listen to me.
You dont trust me! It
hurts!
Tue Jan 2, 10:14 pm
To many people at BP
get caught up in the
EXCITEMENT and run.
Wanna know what
happened at the rest of
the meeting???
Tue Jan 22, 10:19 pm
Then you should have
stayed instead of
getting all EXCITED and
run.
Tue Jan 22, 10:22 pm
That's the Power of
Vaginas and the
weakness of the 'head'.
Tue Jan 22, 10:24 pm
NEVERMIND! JUST
FUCKING NEVERMIND!
Tue Jan 22, 10:29 pm
1234a i wish... (love, c
~hug~) 'night Nate
Wed Jan 23, 12:34 am
tea. Read. Write. Let me
help you. Recite.
Practice. Imagine.
Grow. Strengthen.
Reflect. Seek. See. Feel.
Know. Please, let me
help you, trust me. Try,
love, c
Wed Jan 23, 9:02 am
The SLEEP WAS GREAT!
I SLEPT SO DEEP AND
SOUNDLY! IN A
BLANKET OF
RESTFULLNESS!! i
dread work(soon) but i
have the feeling of sleep
to remember.keep
helping me.
Wed Jan 23, 9:03 am
I CAN, get you back, on
the horse, Feeling joy
and being happy with
your talent, ability &
potential. Help me. Help
you. ~hug~
Wed Jan 23, 9:05 am