Maybe, we were meant for each other.
I saw Matt this weekend. Bittersweet, as usual. Why do I do this to myself? Nah, its worth every second. I only saw him half of Saturday and half of Sunday. Lots of cheap hotel sex, lmao. Sunday we had to leave the hotel at 11 so we went to this outside mall and just walked around. Delaying the inevitable, we call it. I mean, its worth the drive and short time to see him, but I hate that the time we see each other is reserved to a weekend at a hotel. The horrible thing is that I won't get to see him until September. Fucking September. I'm still in denial. I mean, I know he's leaving sometime in June and I know its going to happen, but I don't want to think about it, so my brain kind of rejects it, so its going to make it so much worse when he actually leaves.
I HATE it when people say it will get better. It doesn't. The pain and lonliness is still there. Leaving yesterday, I couldn't help but cry for ten minutes. I just can't wait until we are together all the time.
Matt keeps asking me to start planning a wedding, but I think its too soon. I don't even know when we are getting married. He wants to next year, and that would be wonderful, but I don't know if that would work. The only rule I made was that I'm not going to get married until I can be with him permantly. I don't want to get married and then it go back to the way it was, living with my parents or in a dorm.
So that leaves the problem of school. I'm kind of starting to like UAB. I have a few friends and its a nice school and I'm not totally excited about transferring again. I have no loyalties to UAB, though. I don't absolutely love it and I'm not a part of anything. So basically, I have to decide when I switch schools. That means I'm going to switch school to somewhere in North Florida. I don't even know if there are schools close enough to where Matt has to be. If there isn't, then the decision is made for me and I'm going to have to wait until I graduate. That would be the best idea, but I can't bear being away from him that long. I just don't want to do it.
I also haven't seen my therapist in about five months. Oops. I don't know why I haven't gone in so long, just haven't. I'm not sure if I even want to go back because she will be pissed. I know thats not a good reason to stop seeing her but last summer I didn't go for six months and she was really irritated and I don't want to deal with that again. I liked her, but I don't know if she actually helped.
Stress, stress, stress.
I HATE it when people say it will get better. It doesn't. The pain and lonliness is still there. Leaving yesterday, I couldn't help but cry for ten minutes. I just can't wait until we are together all the time.
Matt keeps asking me to start planning a wedding, but I think its too soon. I don't even know when we are getting married. He wants to next year, and that would be wonderful, but I don't know if that would work. The only rule I made was that I'm not going to get married until I can be with him permantly. I don't want to get married and then it go back to the way it was, living with my parents or in a dorm.
So that leaves the problem of school. I'm kind of starting to like UAB. I have a few friends and its a nice school and I'm not totally excited about transferring again. I have no loyalties to UAB, though. I don't absolutely love it and I'm not a part of anything. So basically, I have to decide when I switch schools. That means I'm going to switch school to somewhere in North Florida. I don't even know if there are schools close enough to where Matt has to be. If there isn't, then the decision is made for me and I'm going to have to wait until I graduate. That would be the best idea, but I can't bear being away from him that long. I just don't want to do it.
I also haven't seen my therapist in about five months. Oops. I don't know why I haven't gone in so long, just haven't. I'm not sure if I even want to go back because she will be pissed. I know thats not a good reason to stop seeing her but last summer I didn't go for six months and she was really irritated and I don't want to deal with that again. I liked her, but I don't know if she actually helped.
Stress, stress, stress.