"I called you, Iz. A bunch of times." I told her as I walked into the living room and plopped down on the couch. "If you weren't avoiding me then why didn't you call me back? Or you know, answer?"
I watched her as she walked into the living room behind me, still carrying the box she'd answered the door holding. She sat across from me, which made me frown. Why was she sitting all the way over there? Whatever. I was pissed and upset and I wanted to get this whole thing resolved. We weren't going anywhere if we couldn't get past this.
My mouth went dry when she asked me if there was anything I wanted to tell her. Oh fuck. Had she talked to Faith? Did Faith tell her about the kiss? It wasn't like we were making out or anything. It just kinda happened. I didn't even like it. Okay, maybe I did. A little bit. But it's not that way with me and Faith and it's something that will never happen again. I'm still honestly not sure why it happened in the first place. But how the hell did Izzi know about it was the more important question? Okay, Kennedy you can do this. Just play it cool. There's no way she could know. Faith wouldn't do that. She wouldn't tell her. Right?
"Tell you?" I asked, curiously. "What would I need to tell you?" That's it Kennedy. Play it cool.
"I've had things going on." I said casually with a small shrug of my shoulders, my hand still on the box. "Things like trying to get my job back, so I can have a life again. Not to mention a car." I didn't mention that that was all to no avail. Calvin Pratt knew how to hold a grudge. I may have been the best assistant in the world, but it didn't matter now.
I didn't even bother to mention that I'd taken a cab and filled out a few waitressing applications. Neither of us were in the mood for that right now. I could just deal with it when the time came.
She seemed to get really nervous all of a sudden, which meant she was probably as guilty as I'd instantly believed she was. And then she tried to play it off like I was stupid or like I didn't know what was up the minute she'd gotten that look on her face.
"Oh, I think you know." I quietly accused. "And if you don't tell me yourself, if you can't be that honest with me, then I really don't think we have a relationship."
I frowned as she told me she had things going on. It grew even deeper when she said she was trying to get her job back so she could have a life again. What she didn't have one with me? Fuck. She did need a car. I forgot about that. Okay, so last time I sent furniture, this time it would be a car. See, and who says I don't know how to treat my girlfriends?
"So, you have to have a job to have a life?" I asked, feeling both judged and insulted. "You said again." I felt my brows knit together. "What? Does that mean you didn't have a life with me?" I was taking that way too personally and I knew it, but I couldn't help it.
And we're back to the whole 'what do I need to tell her' thing. God, she knows. I can tell. I swallowed hard, determined not to admit anything. Why would Faith bust me out like that? Some friend. I thought we would take this one to the grave. It has to be those drugs. She probably busted her ass to get over here and rat me out. No wonder Izzi wouldn't take my calls. She was avoiding me because of that kiss.
"No, Iz, I really don't know." I said, as honestly as I could. "So, tell me, what is it that I need to tell you? 'Cause I'm not following here."
"I didn't mean it like that!" I tried not to snap, but damn if she didn't practically make me. Everything was always about her, and her way of life. And sometimes it just felt like if I didn't fall on my knees and kiss her feet for everything she does and has done for me, then I was just simply being way too ungrateful.
"You don't have to have a job to have a life, and I do have a life with you." I said, still trying to keep my voice quiet. "I just meant that since I'm back here, and you're doing your thing, I don't have a life anymore. I don't have my life. My bank account is almost dry because all of my savings have been kept aside for retirement. My company car is gone so I have to take a cab just to get to the store or to go fill out applications. And it's not so much that I desperately need those things. I've lived without them before." I sighed. "But I'd gotten used to them."
As if I wasn't frustrated enough, she had to play dumb. Like she had no idea what I was talking about. And she knew! We both knew. With a hurt look, I pushed the box off the lounge and toward her, not even watching its contents spill at her feet as I went and locked myself in my bedroom.
There. Now she wouldn't have to pretend to not know the horrible truth she obviously couldn't live with.
I listened to her rant about how she had drained her bank account and how she was taking a cab to go places. I hated hearing that stuff. I didn't want her doing that stuff. Call me a rich brat, which, okay, I am, but I couldn't bear to see my girlfriend without a car or money. She'd gotten used to nice clothes and I made sure she had that right? Same with the shoes. No matter how much of a fight she'd put up. I still did it. And tomorrow? I'd buy her a car and I'd put some money in her account. Wouldn't be that hard to do. You can deposit money into anyone's account. It's the taking money out part that's hard. It's not like I need all the money I get. I have so much of it left over every month it just sits in my back account and draws interest. One hundred thousand dollars a month goes a very, very long way. Trust me on that one. Well, maybe not for Shannon. She goes through it like water. But me? Not so much. My big expensive splurges usually involve me getting an apartment or a new business off the ground or a car, or buy my girlfriend nice things. Other than that? I just save it.
She yelled at me and before I could say anything, she flung the box at me and stormed off to her bedroom. The slamming of the door echoed through the silence and I watched the newspaper clippings swirl around me, some landing on my lap, some in the floor, others staying in the box. My eyes fell upon the ones scattered across my lap. A frown tugged my lips down as I scanned the headline. Okay, so maybe that's why she's being so weird. Why didn't she tell me about this stuff? I read through the article before moving on to another one and another one until I'd read through a few of them. Picking them all up, I put them neatly back into the box and put the lid back on it. Lifting it up, I set it on the coffee table and walked back to the bedroom, trying the doorknob only to find it locked. Lifting my hand, I knocked gently.
"Izzi, open the door." I said through the wood. "Please?" I rested my forehead against the smooth surface of the door. I could hear quiet sobs coming from inside. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes. "I didn't know, okay?" I said, softly. "I'm sorry. Let me in."
I felt so stupid the minute the lock had clicked in to place. That was all a little dramatic, and that wasn't usually me. It's just, I knew that she knew. She had to know! She was the only person who had been in this apartment. The only one who could have moved it. Why would she do that? Why would she go through my things and spy on me like that? I just didn't get it. I never had the urge to spy on her or go digging through her life or her past.
"I know that you knew." I said through the door, placing my hand on it as I shook my head and leaned close enough to be heard through it. How could she be denying it now? She'd acted so guilty. Finally, when I realized she wasn't going away, I sighed and unlocked the door, pulling it open.
"You knew." I stated. "The box was moved, and you're the only person beside me who has been in this apartment in months." I continued to accuse.
"If... if you couldn't handle it, what my sister is, what happened to my mom, all you had to do was say instead of pretending that you didn't know at all." I said, obviously hurt. "I was going to tell you when things calmed down and it wouldn't have been a burden on you, so it's not like you could have avoided it forever."
She knew that I knew? Knew that I knew what? That stuff I'd just now read about her mom and her sister? How the hell would I have known that stuff? I didn't know any of it til like 2 minutes ago when she threw the box at me.
Finally she unlocked the door and opened it, again telling me that I knew. I wrinkled my brow in confusion as I stepped inside, tucking my hands in my back pockets. It was a habit I couldn't seem to break. I didn't know what else to do with my hands at the moment. She was accusing me of moving the box and not being able to handle it and pretending not to know about it.
I shook my head, taking a step closer to her. "I didn't know." I tried to reassure her. "I promise." I said softly. "I've never even seen that box, or anything inside of it until tonight. Until you threw it at me and basically forced me to look at it." Sliding my hands out of my pockets, I took another step closer, reaching out to cup her cheek. "Iz, I promise you I didn't know. But you're wrong about one thing. I could, and I can handle it. I'm not pretending nothing. And it's not a burden. You're my girlfriend, I love you and you can share anything about yourself with me." I nodded, offering a small grin. "Not gonna change how I feel." I shook my head. "We're not our families ya know." God that felt kinda deja vu. This was like the third person I'd said that too in the last couple of weeks.
"I love my family." I said, shaking my head. "Why would you say- I don't care if people think I'm like them. My sister was a good person. She was just sick. They couldn't help her. And my mom, she was sick too." I insisted.
I knew it. I let someone in about my history, my past, and I'm getting judged for it. They're getting judged. My family. I'm getting comforted and consoled that I'm not them but that's not even the point.
"I meant that most people are afraid to be around me because everyone around me dies." I said quietly. "I'm bad luck. Bad karma. Cursed. Whatever you want to call it. People think I'm either going to go crazy like my sister and start killing whoever the voices tell me to. Or that I'm not going to be there to save them like I wasn't there for my mom." I was so mad for the longest time that my grandparents had sent me away like they did. But now I knew what they were trying to protect me from.
It was me. I was the burden. I was the person I didn't want to be like.
"I'm sorry. I don't mean to take your head off over it."
I frowned. That's so not how I meant that. I wasn't trying to insult her, I was just trying to point out how....oh, just forget it. The damage was already done and as usual, it was my big mouth that caused it.
"I didn't mean it like that." I said quietly, still frowning. "I wasn't trying to make you feel--" I stopped, taking a breath and letting my hand fall away from her face as she continued.
How did I not know about this stuff? Well, okay, so everything between us had kinda happened so fast and then all this stuff kept happening and there had really been no time for the whole sharing of the past and stuff. Come to think of it, she really didn't know much about my past either. Other than that where I grew up, who my sister was and the whole thing with Grace.
"Well, there's this thing." I started, looking back up at her. "I'm not really afraid of much. Guess you've kinda figured that out by now." I smirked a little. "And you're not bad luck, all I meant by what I said is that just because that stuff happened to them doesn't mean it's gonna happen to you." I shrugged. "Look at Shannon." I pointed out. "I'm nothing like her, but she's still my sister and no matter how pissed off I get? I still love her, still feel protective of her. Why the hell do you think I freaked out over that whole deal with Harry? I've fought so hard to keep her out of this part of my life, and now she's right there in the middle of it." My smirk faded into a frown as I thought about the fact that my sister was living at Wolfram & Hart. Wonder if they were slipping her the drugs Faith was on?
She apologized and I shook my head. "There's nothing to be sorry for." I shrugged. "But, I really didn't know all this stuff. I didn't touch that box. I swear."
Tilting my head, I looked at her curiously. Something she said clicked and a lot of things suddenly made sense. She couldn't save her mom, because she wasn't there. "That's why you didn't want to leave me. After that whole thing with Dom. Because you felt responsible." I wasn't accusing, or even questioning. Just observing.
I watched her as she walked into the living room behind me, still carrying the box she'd answered the door holding. She sat across from me, which made me frown. Why was she sitting all the way over there? Whatever. I was pissed and upset and I wanted to get this whole thing resolved. We weren't going anywhere if we couldn't get past this.
My mouth went dry when she asked me if there was anything I wanted to tell her. Oh fuck. Had she talked to Faith? Did Faith tell her about the kiss? It wasn't like we were making out or anything. It just kinda happened. I didn't even like it. Okay, maybe I did. A little bit. But it's not that way with me and Faith and it's something that will never happen again. I'm still honestly not sure why it happened in the first place. But how the hell did Izzi know about it was the more important question? Okay, Kennedy you can do this. Just play it cool. There's no way she could know. Faith wouldn't do that. She wouldn't tell her. Right?
"Tell you?" I asked, curiously. "What would I need to tell you?" That's it Kennedy. Play it cool.
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I didn't even bother to mention that I'd taken a cab and filled out a few waitressing applications. Neither of us were in the mood for that right now. I could just deal with it when the time came.
She seemed to get really nervous all of a sudden, which meant she was probably as guilty as I'd instantly believed she was. And then she tried to play it off like I was stupid or like I didn't know what was up the minute she'd gotten that look on her face.
"Oh, I think you know." I quietly accused. "And if you don't tell me yourself, if you can't be that honest with me, then I really don't think we have a relationship."
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"So, you have to have a job to have a life?" I asked, feeling both judged and insulted. "You said again." I felt my brows knit together. "What? Does that mean you didn't have a life with me?" I was taking that way too personally and I knew it, but I couldn't help it.
And we're back to the whole 'what do I need to tell her' thing. God, she knows. I can tell. I swallowed hard, determined not to admit anything. Why would Faith bust me out like that? Some friend. I thought we would take this one to the grave. It has to be those drugs. She probably busted her ass to get over here and rat me out. No wonder Izzi wouldn't take my calls. She was avoiding me because of that kiss.
"No, Iz, I really don't know." I said, as honestly as I could. "So, tell me, what is it that I need to tell you? 'Cause I'm not following here."
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"You don't have to have a job to have a life, and I do have a life with you." I said, still trying to keep my voice quiet. "I just meant that since I'm back here, and you're doing your thing, I don't have a life anymore. I don't have my life. My bank account is almost dry because all of my savings have been kept aside for retirement. My company car is gone so I have to take a cab just to get to the store or to go fill out applications. And it's not so much that I desperately need those things. I've lived without them before." I sighed. "But I'd gotten used to them."
As if I wasn't frustrated enough, she had to play dumb. Like she had no idea what I was talking about. And she knew! We both knew. With a hurt look, I pushed the box off the lounge and toward her, not even watching its contents spill at her feet as I went and locked myself in my bedroom.
There. Now she wouldn't have to pretend to not know the horrible truth she obviously couldn't live with.
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She yelled at me and before I could say anything, she flung the box at me and stormed off to her bedroom. The slamming of the door echoed through the silence and I watched the newspaper clippings swirl around me, some landing on my lap, some in the floor, others staying in the box. My eyes fell upon the ones scattered across my lap. A frown tugged my lips down as I scanned the headline. Okay, so maybe that's why she's being so weird. Why didn't she tell me about this stuff? I read through the article before moving on to another one and another one until I'd read through a few of them. Picking them all up, I put them neatly back into the box and put the lid back on it. Lifting it up, I set it on the coffee table and walked back to the bedroom, trying the doorknob only to find it locked. Lifting my hand, I knocked gently.
"Izzi, open the door." I said through the wood. "Please?" I rested my forehead against the smooth surface of the door. I could hear quiet sobs coming from inside. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes. "I didn't know, okay?" I said, softly. "I'm sorry. Let me in."
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"I know that you knew." I said through the door, placing my hand on it as I shook my head and leaned close enough to be heard through it. How could she be denying it now? She'd acted so guilty. Finally, when I realized she wasn't going away, I sighed and unlocked the door, pulling it open.
"You knew." I stated. "The box was moved, and you're the only person beside me who has been in this apartment in months." I continued to accuse.
"If... if you couldn't handle it, what my sister is, what happened to my mom, all you had to do was say instead of pretending that you didn't know at all." I said, obviously hurt. "I was going to tell you when things calmed down and it wouldn't have been a burden on you, so it's not like you could have avoided it forever."
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Finally she unlocked the door and opened it, again telling me that I knew. I wrinkled my brow in confusion as I stepped inside, tucking my hands in my back pockets. It was a habit I couldn't seem to break. I didn't know what else to do with my hands at the moment. She was accusing me of moving the box and not being able to handle it and pretending not to know about it.
I shook my head, taking a step closer to her. "I didn't know." I tried to reassure her. "I promise." I said softly. "I've never even seen that box, or anything inside of it until tonight. Until you threw it at me and basically forced me to look at it." Sliding my hands out of my pockets, I took another step closer, reaching out to cup her cheek. "Iz, I promise you I didn't know. But you're wrong about one thing. I could, and I can handle it. I'm not pretending nothing. And it's not a burden. You're my girlfriend, I love you and you can share anything about yourself with me." I nodded, offering a small grin. "Not gonna change how I feel." I shook my head. "We're not our families ya know." God that felt kinda deja vu. This was like the third person I'd said that too in the last couple of weeks.
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I knew it. I let someone in about my history, my past, and I'm getting judged for it. They're getting judged. My family. I'm getting comforted and consoled that I'm not them but that's not even the point.
"I meant that most people are afraid to be around me because everyone around me dies." I said quietly. "I'm bad luck. Bad karma. Cursed. Whatever you want to call it. People think I'm either going to go crazy like my sister and start killing whoever the voices tell me to. Or that I'm not going to be there to save them like I wasn't there for my mom." I was so mad for the longest time that my grandparents had sent me away like they did. But now I knew what they were trying to protect me from.
It was me. I was the burden. I was the person I didn't want to be like.
"I'm sorry. I don't mean to take your head off over it."
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"I didn't mean it like that." I said quietly, still frowning. "I wasn't trying to make you feel--" I stopped, taking a breath and letting my hand fall away from her face as she continued.
How did I not know about this stuff? Well, okay, so everything between us had kinda happened so fast and then all this stuff kept happening and there had really been no time for the whole sharing of the past and stuff. Come to think of it, she really didn't know much about my past either. Other than that where I grew up, who my sister was and the whole thing with Grace.
"Well, there's this thing." I started, looking back up at her. "I'm not really afraid of much. Guess you've kinda figured that out by now." I smirked a little. "And you're not bad luck, all I meant by what I said is that just because that stuff happened to them doesn't mean it's gonna happen to you." I shrugged. "Look at Shannon." I pointed out. "I'm nothing like her, but she's still my sister and no matter how pissed off I get? I still love her, still feel protective of her. Why the hell do you think I freaked out over that whole deal with Harry? I've fought so hard to keep her out of this part of my life, and now she's right there in the middle of it." My smirk faded into a frown as I thought about the fact that my sister was living at Wolfram & Hart. Wonder if they were slipping her the drugs Faith was on?
She apologized and I shook my head. "There's nothing to be sorry for." I shrugged. "But, I really didn't know all this stuff. I didn't touch that box. I swear."
Tilting my head, I looked at her curiously. Something she said clicked and a lot of things suddenly made sense. She couldn't save her mom, because she wasn't there. "That's why you didn't want to leave me. After that whole thing with Dom. Because you felt responsible." I wasn't accusing, or even questioning. Just observing.
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